Hope's Journal: 2022

[Not Alone]

Sending you warm thoughts, Hope. 

[Hope67]

Hello Armee Snowdrop and Not Alone - Thank you all for what you said.   

*************
12th April 2022

I needed the support of this forum quite a few times in the past few days, and especially over Mother's Day weekend too, and I was able to come here and read things, and feel supported just be doing that.  Unfortunately, whilst I wanted sometimes to write things here, I wasn't able to do so - so I didn't fight that, I just went with it - that's how it was. 

I think I've had more strong EF's in recent days - situations where I've blended with parts of me that hold some really intense feelings - things like abandonment, terror, depression - I've managed to tolerate those feelings, and sit with them more, and actually tried to welcome those parts and communicate in some passive way with them.  I also used advice from Janina Fisher to remind myself that those parts of myself were triggered, and to be curious about the experience, thereby getting my brain online again.  That was helpful,  but I realise how difficult it is when I'm blended with parts.  But separation does happen with continual reminding that I'm triggered and blended.

I had some dreams that were vivid and seemed to be processing things more.  They were about my parents, and their lives, and how they'd kept things from me a secret, at least in terms of never talking about things, and how dysfunctional that felt.  But I also felt as if I was in the dream along with them in an earlier phase of their life, and that I could see some of their challenges that were in their lives in that time, and felt some understanding of those things, and some compassion for those things. 

But I've also felt some anger too.  Anger that they never explained things, and somehow thought I should just put up with how things were.  As if I had no rights, and no ability to challenge the status quo.  Powerless.  Not understanding.  Not a nice feeling.

I've also experienced being blended with a part of myself that feels vulnerable, and feels 'older' than I actually am, although I realise I am getting older.  That part seems to want me to go to see the medical doctor, and have a check-over of a few things.  But, there's another part that is phobic of attempting to see a doctor, and I don't think I'll be able to make myself go.  Therefore, those parts are definitely at odds with each other.  But I feel both their presences in my body, and their thought processes are at odds.

I've started reading a book by Gabor Mate called 'In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts' and it's about addictions, and it's really interesting so far.  I want to quote a couple of things he said:

"When it comes to understanding addiction, the dilemma of NOT SEEING is deep.  Our defences will not allow us to be aware of our own pain and the dysfunctions in which we seek escape from it."  (I really relate to NOT SEEING things for much of my earlier life.  My defences were indeed strong, to stop me from truely appreciating the deception around me, and that hurts that I now see things more clearly, as my defences are being broken down, or changing.

Gabor Mate said "Truth, as we know, brings freedom even as it may evoke pain." - this helps me because I do feel more pain recently, as I am looking more at the truth of things, rather than them being hidden from view via my defences.

Gabor Mate also wrote this:
"Recurring themes emerge in my interviews with addicts:
the drug as emotional anaesthetic
antidote to a frightful feeling of emptiness
tonic against fatigue, boredom, alienation and a sense of personal inadequacy
stress reliever
social lubricant
open the portals of spiritual transcendence.
He goes on to say: "It is impossible to understand addiction without asking what relief the addict finds, or hopes to find, in the drug of the addictive behaviour.  Far more than a quest for pleasure, chronic substance use is the addict's attempt to escape distress."

"A hurt is at the centre of all addictive behaviours.  It is present in the gambler, the Internet addict, the compulsive shopper and the workaholic."

I particularly related to this:
"Automatic repression of painful emotion as a helpless child's prime defence mechanism and can enable the child to endure trauma that would otherwise be catastrophic."  Consequence = wholesale dulling of emotional awareness.

((Thinking about my fear of doctors - this part resonates a lot - Gabor Mate says: "As an authority figure, the doctor triggers deeply ingrained feelings of childhood powerlessness in many of us." - Perhaps that's why I fear the doctor so much! 

Gabor Mate says "Imprinted in the developing brain circuitry of the child subjugated to abuse or neglect is fear and distrust of powerful people, especially of caregivers.  In time this ingrained wariness is reinforced by negative experiences with authority figures such as teachers, foster parents and members of the legal system or the medical profession."  (Yes, this makes sense to me, I relate to that very much).

A couple of things he said about 'mothers' also resonated in relation to my thoughts about my own mother:

"I have no doubt that if Serena's mother spoke about her life, an equally painful narrative would emerge.  The suffering down here is multigenerational."
Also, he said:
"You have always felt unwanted.  And desperate as you are to offer your baby what you never experienced - a loving welcome into this world - in the end, you'll give her the same message of rejection."

Those sentences meant something to me, when thinking about my mother.  How things pass down generations.  I know I have no children of my own, so I can't pass anything on in that way.  But I also feel sad that I didn't have a child or children.  I feel that now as I write this.  I think I'd defended from that sense of loss and the painful feeling of that realisation.  I've not really felt it so strongly but it makes me feel tearful and stings.

Good to have written some things here today.  Glad to be writing in my Journal again. 

Hope 

[rainydiary]

I read your observations Hope. I appreciate you sharing.

[Armee]

I'm really glad you were able to wrote and related to the excerpts you shared, too. Thank you for that!

Anger is a hard one and it seems like really good progress that you are feeling that about the secrets and powerlessness you were pushed under by as a kid.

[sanmagic7]

i related to the idea of pain being behind all addictions, hope.  i truly believe it is.  we've survived so much pain, more than anyone should have to, and we've all found some kind of survival mechanism to help us cope.  it can just be too much and needs to be numbed at times.  for some of us, 'at times' just isn't enough.

thanks for writing this down, my dear.  i felt it in my heart.  love and hugs

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary Armee and SanMagic  - thank you for what you wrote.   

*************
16th April 2022
I've just been attempting to say some things in response to some people's journals, but I noticed that I feel as if I am steeped in treacle, with the ability to express what I want to say, and that there's critical parts who tell me I'm not expressing myself well, so I thought I'd come here to my own journal and just write things here for a bit.

I had difficulty getting online earlier, and that was stressful.  I wonder whether it's the traffic on the Easter weekend, and lots of people on the internet at once.  Not sure, but I managed to cope by doing something else and then returning here.

I'm finding the Easter weekend to be quite difficult emotionally - I realise it's triggering me that it's typically viewed as a 'family' kind of time, and so I think that's what is going on - triggering my younger parts.  I am trying to ensure there's things for my younger parts to look forward to - but those seem to be relating to food items.  But I guess that's ok.

Hope 

[rainydiary]

Hi Hope, I relate to the feelings of Easter weekend.  I hope that the weekend passes smoothly. 

[sanmagic7]

hope, that treacle feeling can be such a downer.  i can relate.  wanting to do something yet not really able to.  sucks.  hope your easter wk.end goes smoothly.  love and hugs

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary and SanMagic - thanks so much for what you said, and it helps to see that you relate, and I feel glad that the Easter weekend is nearly over.  It's been a tough one!

**********
18th April 2022
I have been much more emotional this Easter weekend - my emotions have been bubbling up to the surface, I've been feeling things more, and I've been expressing things to my partner and talking about things - as I couldn't keep the emotions down, and so he saw them in their naked vulnerableness.  But he is a kind and sensitive and caring man, and he talked to me, and heard me, and listened to me, and I am lucky to have such a lovely person to do that.

I feel more positive about the days ahead somehow, as I've nearly got to the end of this weekend, and although I feel emotionally drained, I also feel as if I can cope a bit better somehow.  As if i've got more strength than I thought I did.  Some resilience. 

I hope that I can keep hold of that sense of optimism, and that it will indeed strengthen me as I go into the coming days.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

i hope you can retain that optimism as well, Hope.  it sounds like a shift has been made and you're now able to allow your emotions and vulnerability.  so very very glad you have a man like that.  it's wonderful, he's wonderful.  love and hugs

[Armee]

Hope, I've noticed the same in me recently....having slightly more raw emotion showing to my significant other. I see it as nothing but tremendous progress in being able to feel and not shutting down. Feeling safe enough to let go in front of someone you love is huge. I see signs of you healing so much this year.

[rainydiary]

Hope, I'm glad you have a supportive partner that you can share with.  It is so interesting to me how certain things or events or days bring up so many feelings.  I hope the intensity tones down and gives you a chance to rest. 

[Larry]

hi hope

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

I'm glad you were able to express the things coming up for you and felt some relief from it. That sounds great and that you're able to wprk through some things. I think we come out stronger on the other side when that happens even if it doesn't feel like it at the time.

dolly

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic Armee Rainydiary Larry and Dollyvee - Thank you all for what you said, and I appreciate you all 

***********
27th April 2022
I was concentrating on responding to things in the forum, and finding that my inner critic was in my ear whilst I was doing so, but thankfully I've managed to write what I wanted to write, without overly changing what I was saying - then the phone rang, and my partner answered it - meaning I was then handed the phone unexpectedly - and I had to deal with something quickly - without the ability to plan it, or decide what I was going to say - and I realised how challenging that is (I already know how challenging that is, but I've been more actively paying attention to things lately - so it was exacerbated).  Anyway, I had to say 'no' to a request on the phone, and unfortunately the person who asked me is someone I know personally - shouldn't have been, as the organisation that phoned shouldn't really use people who 'know' each other.  I feel annoyed now.  But I also feel good that I was able to say 'no' - as that was what I wanted to do.

I've been finding Gabor Mate's book about Addiction to be really helpful.  I've been writing lots of notes on it.  I am finding his final chapters of that book to be hopeful as he gives some helpful suggestions that I am considering, and which build on other things I've read before, and approaches that make sense to me.  He talks of 'bare attention' and also uses a step approach that Dr Schwartz created for people with OCD, but which can be applied to issues relating to addiction, including issues of overeating (which I do succumb to).  I'm considering trying that approach to see if it will help me with the comfort eating side of myself.  I already tried to start using it yesterday, but my partner encouraged me to join him for something to eat out - so I ended up eating more than I would have done normally.  So not the best day to start it. 

My partner told me I had some sleep issues last night - talking about things hurting in my body, but he said I'd said 'My thing hurts' - he told me that he'd then gone through the body parts, asking me 'do your legs hurt?' I'd reply 'No' till he got to my hands, and then I'd said 'yes, my hand hurt' and he'd asked me if he could rub them for me and that's when I remember the situation, as I do remember him rubbing my hands, which had been experiencing pins and needles and had gone dead from lack of blood circulation.  I don't remember any of the previous conversation of him asking about my pain.

I've noticed a tendency for myself to avoid talking about things that are painful or describing the horrible feelings I get.  I think I find it hard to do that.  But I feel them.  They come in waves.

I think I will feel a bit sad when the Gabor Mate book comes to an end, and I think I might try to get hold of another of his books.  But maybe I'll read something else, or look for something different.  I sometimes feel as if I might be dependent on the self-help side of literature, but I wonder, is that a bad thing?  It helps me.   I think so.

I'm still feeling bad about the fact I just declined the request on the phone from the person I know.  I felt no sense of control on that situation.  It's like my personal space was intruded on, and I feel violated by it.  But it was a simple request, and I had a right to say no.  But now I worry about what that person will think.  Will they judge me.  Too much thought - if I look with bare attention, it's related to past things that makes me feel that way.  It's not commensurate to the current present situation.  I realise that.  I need to mindfully attend to that.

Actually I realise I don't really know what I'm doing with that step approach.  I really don't.  It's like I was too dissociated to understand/comprehend it, and maybe parts of myself are avoidant or don't want me to. 

There is part of me now that feels very resistant to my writing all of this, and is telling me that I'm 'mad' and 'stupid' and stuff like that.  What will they think of you?  Those kind of thoughts.

My answer to that part is:  Leave her alone, I understand your wish to be cautious, and I thank you for being cautious in the past, but it's not needed now - there's nothing in the present that warrants that level of censor.  Hope wants to live her life and do things that she wants to do.  Allow her some space.  Some opportunity to work out what she wants and needs. 

Anyway, I'm glad to have written these things. 

Hope