still digging

[Armee]

Taking a break sounds smart, in real life and here. Though I'd miss your caring and wise words and hugs, its a good example for us all too and for D. 

[Bach]

 

[CactusFlower]

  You have to do what's right for you. Yes, we'll miss you and will be here for you regardless, but Armee's right.  Knowing what you need and taking care of yourself is very smart and inspiring as well.

[Blueberry]

Standing with you, however you decide san We'll be here for you when you get back.

[paul72]

 
sending a hug filled with peace and love for you sanmagic.

[dollyvee]

Hi San,

I hope you guys enjoy the summer and get what you need for yourselves over the upcoming months.

Sending you support,
dolly

[sanmagic7]

armee, bach, CF, blueberry, phil, dolly - from my heart, i thank you all for accepting me, and for your kindness, caring, and well wishes. 

i'm coming back slowly.  today is the first day i felt i could come here, write something.  this morning my T and i worked on my anxiety the night before a session.  she has been nothing but kind, accepting (that was a biggie we worked on today), careful, gentle, and caring, yet inevitably the night before a session i would get anxiety about having one the following day.

we processed the idea of how much and from how many people i have been held to unrealistic expectations in my life, starting w/ my F, but including most friends, family members, relationships - coming from all aspects of my life, and so many people.  how to walk, look, put on my makeup, be perfect, always be there for them (the perfect friend, lover, wife, etc.) eat my food - i've even been criticized for the way i sweep!  at any rate, it's never been ok for me to just be ok, be average, be flawed, get angry or impatient or anything less than putting someone else first.

did the emdr flash technique on all this, and i went from having a litany of people in my life who were like this to the knowledge that my recent experience w/ my D and w/ strangers/professionals on the phone have been patient, kind, and allowed me to take my time or make mistakes.  i felt more relaxed and able to see that most people i have to interact w/ now are decent people.  my T told me i've done the hard work of eliminating the other kind from my life.  That's a good realization to know.

the second portion of this session focused on my continuing anxiety the night before a session.  what i realized is that i probably have a subconscious connection (still!) from icky L, my very first T who messed me up so thoroughly half my life ago.  it made sense to me and to my T, but it felt like a good realization and i'm looking forward to processing it on fri.

unfortunately, i don't feel up to reading everyone's posts yet, but i'm still sending love and hugs to you all every day.  you're the best.  thanks for your patience as i work on unraveling myself.

[Armee]

 

Not an ounce of pressure to do more than what feels ok.

I had only one brief uncomfortable experience with a bad therapist 20 years before my therapist and it still took me 2-3 years of being in a therapeutic relationship with him before my brain let go of the prior experience. That was just 1 single bad experience. Your relationship with icky L was so very complex in its trauma and so far reaching in so many areas of your life! You are brave to keep going and the fear is so understandable!

[CactusFlower]

Agreed, you do whatever is the amount that works for you.  And congrats on having a T that works so well with you and some EMDR helping with things. It's good that you have things that help. I really resonate with having to deal with unreasonable expectations. You are human and humans cannot be perfect, and that's perfectly okay. hugs and care from another flawed being.

[sanmagic7]

armee, as always, your support, affirmation, and acceptance are sustenance to me.  thank you so.

CF, your last line brought tears to my eyes, and they were painful.  i had to immediately leave, do something else.  not that you would ever hurt me, but the simple reality of what you said went straight to my core.  thank you and i'm sorry you've had to go thru anything similar.

this last post from CF let me know how really fragile i still am.  there was another post i read (the only one i could bring myself to, and then it was too much) about how they think they're better, can add more stuff to their routine or whatever, cut back on therapy, when bam!  the reality hits.  they mentioned not being able to last 10 min. w/o falling apart (or words to that effect).

i'm feeling just that way right now.  even this is too much.  again.  i thought i could manage, but not yet.  so, i'm stepping back again, maybe another week or so, i don't know.  too much.

[Armee]

Breaks my heart San. Take care of yourself.

Edited to add...I guess when I feel that way...stunned that I think I'm better but collapse into dissociation in therapy...it's disheartening and frustrating of course, but mostly just a reminder that for whatever reason I need to go slow. Really slow. And that in the end is faster.

[CactusFlower]

Oh San, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to trigger or upset you. Please, yes, take the time to do whatever you need. definitely gentle hugs whenever you want them. Again, so sorry, I hope you find your way back to us. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, armee, thank you so for your unceasing support.  and, i agree wholeheartedly with you about slow is faster.  it really can get frustrating, but i'm learning (slowly!) that to be overwhelmed is much worse.  i'm so glad your T is working with you on that, as mine is with me.   

CF, no apology necessary (altho if it were me, i'd be apologizing, too.  last thing we want to do is cause pain to another!).   the thing w/ me is that i've invented my own reality so many times, have lived in a floaty space for years, that something like you mentioned, which is a reality, is painful for me to ingest.  however, please don't stop.  it helps normalize reality for me, helps me be grounded, gets me out of my fairytale world.  i need it, quite frankly and appreciate so much what you wrote.  it's because of times like this on the forum that i've been able to make some true progress. 

started taking on icky L in session yesterday, and quite honestly, it was like clearing out a moldy old basement.  when we first began getting ready for it, tho, my body tensed up so badly that i began yelling at my T to start NOW!  the pressure from the thought of what i went thru w/ her over and over jacked me up till i felt like a overblown balloon.  never felt like that before, hope never to feel like that again.

so, memories came up fast and furiously.  one included how she betrayed a confidence in session w/ my ex, laid me out to be filleted.  while processing, i was able to stand up, punch her in the face, and walk out.  it felt satisfying, and allowed me to get some anger out, even tho i didn't really feel angry.  but i knew it was in me.

another one was about her trying to blame me for my ex's sex addiction.  she purported to be an addictions counselor, but upon reflection over the years, (including my own work w/ addicts) i can see where she didn't have the slightest clue as to how addictions work.  in that scene i began yelling at her precisely that - she didn't know what she was talking about, didn't know what she was doing, etc.  it also pointed out to me once again her misogyny.  between these first 2 memories, her penchant for taking care of a man's well-being  and leaving me hanging out to dry was apparent.  also disgusting to me! 

the third memory was about something (to my mind) i'd accomplished during a therapeutic outing with others of her clients.  i was put in a dual role there - bunked w/ her and listened as she spoke about the rest of the people (did a great job being her friend and confidante) at the same time i was working on my personal social skills with the others. 

when we returned from the trip, i was all bright and shiny-eyed, thinking i'd done a really good job in both capacities.  she sat me down in a room in her office suite, (i'd supposed it was to debrief), and basically ripped me a new one, telling me everything i'd done wrong (to her mind).  i was shattered.  the image i was left with was me being a young girl presenting a gift to my teacher, who took it and promptly threw it against the wall saying it was rubbish.

i was able to connect that to an incident in my childhood w/ my F (i've spoken about this before) and getting straight A's when i was 10, how he dismissed it.  that also crushed me.  so, the connection builds between what i experienced in childhood and experiences in my adulthood.  icky L treated me like she would a child (at the time i was breaking up our therapeutic relationship, she told me she'd been a good mother to me.  i told her she hadn't been perfect, and i remember the look of hurt on her face.  she'd set herself up as a parental figure w/ me which was wrong in the first place. 

as my T said, there was all kinds of wrong in that 'relationship'.  when session was first starting, and she asked me how i saw myself, how i felt about myself in the situation, i said 'like a lamb going to slaughter'. 

i still have some shame about some of the things i did for her that were not according to my morals and ethics.  in the end, she exploited me for the very attributes (putting others ahead of myself, doing more for others than for me) that she became aware of in our very first meeting.  my T was able to catch this and pointed it out to me.  like my ex, she disgusts me.  they worked really well together doing a number on me.  feeling the anger now!

[Armee]

 

What she did to you was more than icky. It was truly disgusting and broke just every moral ethical and professional boundary and then some. It had to have been absolutely crushing under that and it would take decades to get over the betrayals and messaging from that. You were brave and strong to get out and to find a new therapist. Throw a few more punches at her memory today and throw one in there for me too. I feel pretty angry about what she did to you, and certainly to others as well.

[sanmagic7]

thank you my dear armee for all your support and validation.  i'm completely worn out today, but i appreciate your punches on my behalf.  it's wonderful having someone like you in my corner.