still digging

[sanmagic7]

thanks, CF, for the acceptance and support. 

[Armee]

You deserved so much love and care and it's so dang beautiful to read about you rushing in to save and protect and love baby you. 🧡

[sanmagic7]

armee, thank you so much for that validation.

more to come, especially about being dismissed and denied in so many ways from so many people.  i believe it's why i tell certain stories to others, even here, over and over.  i'm attempting to be seen and my feelings/experiences given a weight of recognition.  you all did that for me here w/ your responses and i'm so grateful.

[Not Alone]

  i believe it's why i tell certain stories to others, even here, over and over.  i'm attempting to be seen and my feelings/experiences given a weight of recognition.

I do that too. To be seen and validated is crucial.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, notalone.  i so agree.  i don't think i realized it before tho, at least not consciously.

so much has happened since i last wrote, but i want to acknowledge how much of a difference it made to me to hear such kind, caring words about my experience being born.  i've never had that before that i can remember.  the validation part, for one - i'm realizing how little i've gotten, just about that story, altho i've told it to others throughout my life.

on the other hand, people here jumped on the validation train, saying such sweet things, kind and caring, sympathetic.  i think 'sympathetic' has been a key component here.  it's been so heartfelt from people here.  i often wonder if i'm making too big a thing out of an experience in my life that's affected me negatively because too often when i've spoken to someone about it, i didn't really feel any sympathy from them, even if they said things like 'ugh' or 'oh' or just stared at me until the subject got changed.

here, the amount of care i felt was remarkable.  you all validated my feelings about that situation, and made me feel like my experience was worth such an image as swooping in and taking that baby away from her parents to give her some sympathy and words of kindness and caring, instead of mocking her for the way she looked.  i once told my T that i couldn't even do the birth thing 'right' in my father's eyes.

so, thank you all again.  this was invaluable to me.  it helped put my fears of making too much out of this incident to rest. 

this morning i'm going to an optometrist to see about fixing my eye.  hard to explain, but i either nicked the inside of my eyelid and there's now a scar or something that's been rubbing against my eyeball, or a hair has been caught in there and i haven't been able to reach it or wash it out.  hopefully, it will get fixed this morning.  this has been a part of my physical misery for about 4 days now.

i also had a dream a few days ago where i relived my entire experience w/ hub #1, his cheating on me and leaving me when i was 7 1/2 mos. pregnant.  i spoke while i was sleeping, woke myself up.  i'd heard him say 'i need you' and my response was 'if you needed me, why did you throw me away?' then, out loud, i angrily said 'this was your choice.'

it shook me to relive all that.  i've been sitting w/ it for several days - my T was sick for our session yesterday - but i want to remember it cuz i really haven't attacked much about him and our relationship during therapy.  there's been so much else that's seemed more important.  when i look at that sentence and remember the dream, i'm seeing how much of a big deal that was in my life, how horrible, and how i've absorbed it along w/ everything else in order to keep going w/ my life.  will it never end???  we've barely touched on my D1 yet, either.  dang!!!

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate your reflection on the understanding received here versus in daily life.  I was listening to a podcast this morning where the topic of discussion was related to people in abusive relationships.  One of the hosts said something about how difficult it must be to go through life with the feeling that others are dangerous.  It made me feel like an other to hear that and I appreciate that folks here understand.  I can relate to your experience of feeling like your experience "isn't as big of a deal" when others respond with vibes of "can we move on?"  I appreciate that we are here together.  I hope your eye feels better soon.

[paul72]

  hi san
How terribly overwhelming to feel like there's just so much more to uncover.. like it'll never end.
I have to admit thinking this too lately as I sit with 6 sessions left and wanting to cover everything hahaha.
I can't even imagine bringing up my ex-wife or any other perpetrator .. just not enough time...
I hope you can enjoy some peace and that you find joy in a few places today.. and good luck with your eye appointment!!

ps.. I feel exactly like you do about this place.. like this is where all the cool cats play ... the ones who understand

[sanmagic7]

rainy, i appreciate your words of support and being able to relate to the 'not a big deal' issue, altho i'm sorry you've experienced it, too.  thank you so. 

phil, a big grin thinking about the 'cool cats'!  very clever - i loved it!  thanks for your support.  interesting that you mentioned joy and peace for me.  they sound pretty alien. 

the eye got fixed - there was something that had been stuck under my eyelid for several months, so, altho the pain is pretty much gone, i'm still dealing w/ discomfort until it all heals.  but i also found out that my eyes are pretty much ok and i don't really have to worry about them right now.  that was a relief!

so, i'm in physical healing mode, which is probably distracting me from emotional issues.  just doing what i need to do in order to make it to tomorrow.  that's all i got.

[CactusFlower]

Glad your eye is on a healing path, san. A day at a time is all we can do. gentle hugs if you want them.

[Armee]

The amount of stuff to muck through can feel overwhelming. Each shovelful gets us closer though.

I'm glad your eye is mostly OK. 

[dollyvee]

Hi San,

Glad your eye is fixed. Sometimes a pause is helpful for us to stand back and get some distance and perspective about what's going on.

Sending you support,
dolly

[sanmagic7]

thanks, CF.  i agree, one day, then another day, etc. it really has helped to keep moving along. 

armee, i love the image of the shovel and the muck.  and you're correct - each one does get us closer. thank you.   

dolly, you speak the truth.  because i wasn't so much in my head w/ these physical things, i was able to look at other things that are pressuring my D and me and see them thru a new lens.  thanks.

feeling much better today, physically.  both my eye and my nailbed feel a lot more healed, which has caused a lot less pain and discomfort. 

i've been thinking of the mental/emotional health of my D and me lately.  we've had plans to go to farmers markets this summer to sell our books - she came into some money specifically to make that possible - and we've been able to buy the necessities to make that a reality for us.  however, as much as i love being at the markets and interacting w/ the people, i've begun wondering if this is a good idea for us this year, let alone starting this month.

she just went to the doc yesterday because of symptoms that made it feel like her throat was closing at times, discovered they're due to stress.  while i've been battling this for many years, the way her body reacts to stress (usually, as i've found for myself, in ways that don't make sense and can be terrifying) is something new for her. 

with her stress levels already ramped up to affect her body in bizarre ways, and my own not really ok sense of being, i'm thinking we should at least put it off for this month, just get that out of the way.  i remember telling her a long time ago when she was struggling w/ this stuff at work, to make up her mind the night before (instead of 'i'll wait and see how i feel tomorrow') that she was going to call in sick the next day and get it off her mind.  it did help her, and i'm thinking it might do so again.

so, now i sit and wonder if/when would be a good time to bring this up.  she often doesn't like to hear things from me (no doubt due to her childhood) cuz she's still so fiercely independent and kind of stuck in how it was for her growing up.  but, i think it's worth a shot.  i know she's feeling the pressure of having to decide, and when i thought of skipping the entire season this year, it brought tears to my eyes.  that's a sure sign my thought process struck a nerve.  i just don't think we're in any shape yet to do this.

and my chest tightened up as i wrote that, my face saddened, and i wish it were different.  accepting some realities are harder than others.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
You are so caring and thoughtful towards your D, and if you do go with your gut and speak to her about your concerns about those things, then I hope it goes well.  I hope she will feel your care and your thoughtfulness towards her.

Sending you a big hug as well 

Hope 

[CactusFlower]

I also hope it'll go well, san. Stress can manifest in weird ways some times. I hope the choices you and your D make work out well for both of you. gentle hugs if you want them!

[sanmagic7]

hope, thanks for the kind words and the lovely support.  much appreciated. 

CF, you're absolutely correct - stress can do unimaginable things to us, our bodies, and our brains.  thanks for the support and hugs - they're always welcome. 

our talk went well.  we both agreed that we have some time in order to rest and relax, heal ourselves, before we even think of doing more work. we've been struggling to do day-to-day things for ourselves and our homes, which is a major indicator that our stress levels are out of control and need to be tended to as a priority.  it was a difficult decision for both of us, but we do need to put our health and well-being first for now. so, we have at least 2 mos. before we have to think further than relaxing and resting and healing.

i may have to take a break from the forum.  sometimes it's too much energy expended, even in this caring atmosphere.