Rainy Journal 2022

[rainydiary]

CF, thank you.  I think some of my feeling is related to working on a military base.  I think that is dragging up stuff I didn't realize bothered me so much growing up (unrelated to my family).  For instance, having to stop at the gate each morning to scan my temporary badge and knowing that they could pull me over and search my car if they felt like it makes me sick especially since my car registration is in flux and my windshield is cracked.  I feel surveilled in a way that feels oppressive.
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Bach - 
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Thank you San - I appreciate the reflection on counseling.  It is possible it would be supportive but I don't see it happening right now.  Thank you for your support and kindness about my job.
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Tuesdays are a bit less stressful as I am at a different school where I feel more respected generally.

I do have trouble on Tuesdays with my colleague who I was brought on to support.  She and I approach our work very differently and I feel so judged by her.  It was especially high yesterday.  I don't like her approach to working with kids as it isn't student centered and I know she doesn't like mine.  She says "nice" words to me but I feel like she doesn't mean them.

This morning when I was walking up to my main school, I felt sick to my stomach.  My husband left for a trip this morning and I feel unsettled with him.  I feel unsettled in surviving the last days of the school year. 

Tomorrow we are supposed to have a meeting for that student whose family and advocate have been so difficult.  The meeting is to discuss the results of an evaluation we did.  I just don't want to be a part of this, but also the leadership and communication through this situation has been so poor that it puts me on edge.  For example, no meeting request has been sent so I don't know for sure if we are meeting and I had to readjust a meeting I had scheduled weeks ago for this.

I've been having some intense dreams about work where I have been standing up to the people from the past.  It seems like I am working out a number of things in my sleep.  That feels good but doesn't help me not feel like I am being gaslighted in my current job and thrown in to things without support. 

[paul72]

hi rainydiary 
I hope the last 13? days go by so quickly for you.
It sounds like such a difficult workplace and I'm sorry it is and has been so unsupportive and unsettling for you.
Best wishes for that meeting tomorrow (not easy!) If there was ever a time to dissociate that might be it.
I do hope you find ways to get through with the least trouble possible.

[sanmagic7]

hey, rainy,

i think it would be difficult to find some resolution in dreams about events that are ongoing, like the gaslighting and non-support.  i'm glad some things are getting worked out, tho.  less than 2 weeks to go!  i'll be so happy to see you leave that place.  i find it remarkable that you've been able to stay and continue doing your job so well.  kudos to you, my dear.

sending love and a hug filled with grounding and settlement.  you've got this! 

[rainydiary]

Phil & San - thank you for the support and encouragement. 
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As I was leaving work, I saw a voicemail and it was from the clinic where my husband had his doctor visit recently.  I was so freaked out to why they called me.  He is out of town and possibly didn't answer their call.  But why call me?  I assumed it meant something serious and I had some scary thoughts as I was driving home.  I decided to call them back even though it felt inappropriate that I was called.  I wanted to make sure something wasn't wrong.  The person I spoke didn't understand why I was called as it seemed like the nurse just wanted to share recommendations.  It was bizarre.

That meeting I was worried about didn't happen today which annoys me because I rescheduled a meeting I had planned weeks ago and I also don't know when or if this dreaded meeting will happen so am not sure how to manage my energy.

I have been wondering why I keep showing up to jobs that are so harmful to me.  It feels like some sort of self-punishment.  I don't understand why we tear one another down, especially in education.  I am reflecting on how I have been able to establish relationships and have positive impact for students in every school I've worked in which I think probably makes people uncomfortable.  I am not doing my greatest work right now and I hate feeling judged by others for how I am coming across right now. 

I don't remember where I read or saw this, but I recently saw a phrase that said something like most people aren't mean but rather they are afraid.  I'm not sure if I agree with that, but it has been helpful for me to consider the ways in which others act from a place of fear.  I think I don't buy that phrase because someone can act out of fear and still cause harm which isn't excused by fear.

Last night I re-read some old journal entries I wrote in my personal journal.  They broke my heart and were hard to read because they were so intense.  I wish I didn't experience so much pain and I honestly feel like I could have written the same things today.  I have grown and I also cycle through hurts.

I mostly wish I didn't dislike myself as much as I do at times.  It is hard to not be unkind to myself when I am in situations where I am hurt. 

[sanmagic7]

oh, rainy, i don't know why it's so, why people are hurtful just cuz they're afraid of something.  maybe it's the 'i'll hurt you before you get a chance to hurt me' kind of thinking.  whatever it is, most of us here are afraid or nervous or anxious and i see so much kindness and acceptance from them.  again, so glad you're getting out of there soon.  hang tough, ok?  love and hugs

[Armee]

Rainy I wish I knew what to say. These educational work places seem so toxic and I am hoping that you find a way to be a positive resource for these kids without being in a situation that harms you. It shouldn't be this way.

[Hope67]

Dear Rainydiary,
I am so sorry that you are experiencing all that toxicity in your working environment, and I wish there was something that could help in that situation, it really seems like it's tough.  I really hope that you get some chance to rest over the weekend, and maybe recuperate some energy.  Whatever you're doing, I hope you're ok.

Sending you a gentle hug of support 

Hope 

[Not Alone]

 

[rainydiary]

San, thank you for your support.  I listen to a wide range of podcasts about a variety of topics and I am noticing a ton of patterns I haven't ever really put into words.  Generally I notice that people misunderstand each other a lot and vary in how they respond to that misunderstanding. 
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Armee, thank you, I appreciate your support.  I often question to what degree this is my perspective...but something is off and it isn't just me.  It upsets me a great deal.
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Hope, thank you.  I am ok enough and appreciate your support.  Sunday evenings are tough as I really wish I could not go tomorrow.  This weekend was good as I had time to myself to rest.
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Not Alone, 
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This weekend I did a 10 mile trail run event.  After all of the running I did last year, training for this felt like building on that work. 

Running takes a toll on me emotionally and physically.  I often find myself in an unpleasant and impatient mood with others (and myself).  I think that trauma responses pour out of me - I never feel good enough when I do athletic things.

Yet I like being outdoors and starting off my days outdoors.  I like moving and working toward a goal.  I am proud of myself for training and completing the distance.  I signed up for another run that will be in October.  I think I do have some things to unpack related to athletics and my body.

I feel unwell at the prospect of this week.  I'm just tired of showing up.  This is my last full week.  I hope to hear what my assignment for next school year will be this week.  I feel lost in what my purpose is and what I want moving forward. 

I have this story that turning 38 has made me feel "old."  I don't think it is my age but rather the past several years of experience in my work, my trauma healing, my marriage.

It hasn't even been 3 years since I acknowledged the abuse in my past.  I've come a long way in my healing and yet it is still new too.  It has changed how I approach everything. 

Right now I am struggling with how I feel like I still respond like a child in many situations.  I also see that the way adults might respond isn't always the best.  So I feel stuck in what is "right" because people are way more influenced by systems and culture and biases than they realize.

[CactusFlower]

gentle hugs if you want them, rainy.

I've heard somatic therapy can have big effects, and some people end up crying during massages without knowing why, so hearing that running has costs and benefits for you makes total sense. On a positive side, I am extremely impressed! 10 miles.... Wow. Even back when I was physically healthy, I couldn't do a tenth of that.

I hope your last full week is as uneventful as possible so you can get through it a little easier.

[rainydiary]

CF, thank you for the thought - I hadn't thought of running as a somatic release before.  That is a very helpful frame.  I appreciate your support.
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Things on my mind right now:

-So many loose ends with my car regarding titling and a cracked windshield as well as with my job as it winds down 

-Comments from my massage therapist about a connective tissue disorder she thinks I have.  She is not the first massage therapist to diagnose me with something and it bothers me as they have been off the mark.  I'm not sure I want to see her again.

-Realizing some folks have dropped me as a social media friend.  It is tough to be a person others need boundaries from.

-An odd dream last night prompted by a vulnerable post I saw from a classmate that I didn't realize had touched my heart as much as it did. 

-I am also thinking about another classmate who shared that they decided to stop cancer treatment for their child so that he can enjoy the time he has left.

-ICr acting up after parent meetings today

-A nice conversation I had with a colleague that was connecting and supportive. She has been a positive in my difficult experience. 

-Realizing I tend to have the most conflict with educators and admin that have spent all or the majority of their career in the same school and/or district. 

-How to be kinder to my body as it ages and changes.

-Emily Dickinson - we share a birthday and I am reading a book about her that I am overall finding boring but does have some interesting insights into her life that I appreciate learning.

I listened to a loving kindness meditation where the guide used the phrase "deepest wellness."  That phrase resonated with me as I do hope we all find deepest wellness.

[rainydiary]

I am at work and am triggered.  I'm not sure who to reach out to and I think if I write it out a bit here it will help.

I am at the school where I have relatively fewer problems than my other school.  I still feel really judged by colleague that I share a caseload with.  She interprets things differently than I do and thinks her way is the only way. 

I was reflecting that she is a regular cast member in the drama of my work.  She is someone that seems like a friend or support but hurts me in their support.  I do appreciate that she has helped me navigate the weirdness of this district - there is a lot of vagueness and passive communication where people expect things they aren't saying. 

But I end up feeling like crap when I speak to her.  I've tried to communicate less with her but I imagine she will force herself on my notice today.  I wish we didn't share a work space.  Today will be the last day I am working with students here so hopefully I can get through the day without her face saying a lot about the way I am doing my job.

The thing that triggered me today (really I was already triggered by a parent yesterday that lied to me on Friday and expects me to meet her with her when she blew me off and this just made it bigger) is that I got an email from someone telling me we need to evaluate a student.  This I know as I have access to the information that he was due for an evaluation.  I have learned that trying to ask clarifying questions and for help doesn't get me anywhere - I just get more vague answers and that it is someone else's responsibility.

Well the evaluation is overdue.  We have a meeting next Monday to go over his plan.  The email said something like "This is overdue, but we have consent.  We are hoping to do it on Monday.  Does that work for you?" 

I loathe the question "does that work for you?"  The answer is no.  It never works for me.  But I can't say that because that isn't a really question.  This email is really saying "this is what we are doing, make it work." 

This type of stuff is common in this job and it never stops pissing me off.  I understand if people get busy and miss things.  But I don't appreciate this type of communication.  It also just adds to my current narrative of the bad processes and systems of communication in this job. 

Really I think it is just that we are bad at communicating with each other in difficult situations and try to compensate by talking around things.  I do this too and this could be an informative opportunity to see how it feels when we aren't direct.

[CactusFlower]

gentle hugs, rainy. You are certainly not alone in experiencing passive-agressive crud in the workplace. I totally hear you about people who ask questions when there aren't actually choices for you to make. One day at a time, and I'm wishing you strength and peace!

[rainydiary]

Thank you CF - the gentle hugs are supportive so thank you.
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Today a student made a card during our session and another student told me they wanted to give me something.  I told students today was our last day working together and it was a bit solemn for some of them as we grieved a bit.  All of these were such sweet reminders that I do many things well enough. 

I struggled with other adults today.  I have had the thought recently that I don't often feel like an adult.  I certainly don't always act like one.  It is just complicated all the stuff we carry as people and how we carry hurt and pain that informs how we show up. 

I have lost my way a bit of late.  I was reflecting how many difficult things have happened in the past year with work, my cat, moving, my marriage, my FOO. 

These things brushed up against my trauma and yet have also been tests of all I have learned.  I do need to rest and let things settle. 

I'm not able to do that fully yet.  I have had so many crappy things happen at the end of school years that a part of me is waiting for something to happen.  I have 8 more days.

[Armee]

8 more days is a long time when it's a terrible environment but I hope you have many days like today with meaningful connections with your students. Those connections are way more important than the other crap. I'm sorry you have so much weighing on your mind. That was a really heavy difficult list you wrote out the other day.