Rainy Journal 2022

[paul72]

sending a supportive hug your way rainy.

I feel like I have a superpower but it is so misunderstood by others or frightening or something.  I've been having ideas lately of how express this side of myself through art even though I've never identified as an artist. 

I am really interested in this rainydiary if one day you'd like to share more about your superpower   Of course, no pressure or rush to do so, I'd rather you found your ease.. and weren't carrying so much first   I totally 100% believe you and can imagine how it would be so misunderstood. (I feel like I have one too ... but it might look like a weakness to others).
I hope the work week goes fast for you and your long weekend is full of fun

[Not Alone]

 

[CactusFlower]

gentle hugs if you want them.  And yeah, they should qualify that statement as "Healthy family". My family is good now, but that's a chosen one, not blood.

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate your thoughts.  I think the term family of origin helps me distinguish.  I am overwhelmed at how stressed I was yesterday by the mention of family.  Thank you for the reminder that things will continue to reveal themselves - I am feeling set back right now.
.....
Phil, I will reflect on my superpower sometime.  I appreciate the encouragement for that.  I think it would be supportive to put it into words.  I appreciate your support.
......
Thanks Not Alone 
.....
CF, the hugs are appreciated.  I think I was also triggered yesterday as I would like to develop my chosen family more.  I had some supports before I moved that I thought were good and they have turned out to not be (or perhaps just not meant to be long term).  I've been grieving their loss or what I thought they meant to me.  I feel comfort in the idea I can create my own family.
...........
Today was triggering in different ways.

The event in Texas where young people and adults are no longer with us makes me so upset. 

We had to have a review of lockdown procedures in my school and the way the principal spoke about the safety of me and colleagues like me was disheartening.  I'm sure if I were to complain I would be told "that isn't what she meant."  It doesn't change the harm her words caused me and others.  It is hard going to work wondering if your school and your life would ever be on the news. 

I had several meetings today with parents where I was trying to convey ideas that I'm not sure came across like I hoped.  My ICr is really being harsh to me about those.  I don't think I should be communicating with families right now but paperwork needs to get done.  No one cares about how I am doing as long as the paperwork gets done.

I hope I can get restful sleep tonight.  I am really agitated and not in a place of looking forward to our weekend.  Hopefully that changes.

[sanmagic7]

the texas situation is disturbing, disheartening, and so frightening.  i can't imagine working in a school situation, how much fear and paranoia it must be producing right now.  i'm beyond words as to all of what's going on.  sending love and a gentle, caring, concerned hug.

[CactusFlower]

What San said, exactly. hugs to you, dear Rainy.

[rainydiary]

Thank you San and CF - it is so heartbreaking.  I am also heartbroken because our schools are already difficult to be in and this just adds layers of complication no one needs. 
.........
I am waiting for a work meeting to start and hoping I have the right meeting link. 

Folks have been ignoring my emails a lot the past week and I find it rude and obnoxious.

I didn't get enough sleep last night and have felt a bit behind today.

I am worried that when I get home later I will melt down as that is what happened yesterday.

I am exhausted to my core.  I do have a long weekend with Friday and Monday off of work and hope that it helps some.

[rainydiary]

I am home now and getting ready to go to bed early.  I feel like this post might be longer than I mean it to be.

I got home from work and laid on the floor for a while.  Work was too much today and I felt hectic all day.  When I get home I am constantly in motion because I feel so out of control.  I am too much in survival mode these days.

I am looking forward to the area my husband and I will visit this weekend.  But I am not looking forward to our lodging.  I'm also unhappy to leave my cat.

We will be staying at a cabin at an RV park.  I am pretty sure the cabin won't have electricity. 

I struggle so much with camping as it is hard for me to self regulate and to have disrupted routines.  I also for some reason I don't understand feel incredibly unsafe while camping. 

I'm sure I agreed to this plan months ago without really thinking about what I was agreeing to.  I am sure I agreed to be pleasing to my husband. 

But I am mad at myself and at him.  I have expressed that I don't like camping.  He knows what kinds of places I like to stay in when away from home because we have talked about it many times.  And yet we keep ending up in this place.

Some of this frustration with him is about feeling abandoned by him.  He is currently on vacation from work and will be taking a leave of absence from work.  This week he went camping on his own. 

It was difficult because he was in a remote location and we had limited communication.  It really unsettled me - he was in touch when he had signal but it still felt hard.

He also made a medical appointment which I think is about him trying to get documentation to be able to make his leave of absence a medical leave.  Something happened at his appointment which he hasn't shared with me.  Ultimately some matters are private to each of us.  But I feel disconnected from him and like I won't live up to his expectations for this weekend.

He has so many plans for his leave and I just can't handle it right now.  I am really annoyed about a trip he is taking in the summer.  I'll write about that another time.  We both need different things right now and it is hard.

I am trying to stay present with my feelings.  In the past I would have started being really passive aggressive this evening.  But I am noticing that I am upset and uncomfortable for many reasons some of which have nothing to do with our trip but are coloring how I am feeling. Tomorrow will be the real test.  Because I feel unheard so often, I often express my needs and experiences in really unhelpful and unhealthy ways.  I hope I can say things in the coming days that are true and help us problem solve.

[sanmagic7]

i hope so too, rainy.  i get the whole thing about feeling uncomfortable, perhaps to the point of distress/disturbance (that can happen to me at times) about having your routine upended, especially so in a place you don't want to be.  sending love and a hug filled with support for what you're going thru, what you're looking at in the near future.  hang tough, ok?  hanging right beside you. 

[rainydiary]

Thank you San. 
.........
The trip ended up being relatively ok.  I am realizing how much anxiety and depression and bad feeling I imagine into trips.  I don't feel like I am able to be heard in my personal life which has been a lifelong thing.

Today hasn't been so good.  My husband and I are currently in the middle of heated emotions and each taking some space.  I am also really anxious about the work week ahead which isn't putting me in the best frame of mind.

I just don't feel good about myself right now.  I do my best but feel like I always fall short.  I want to feel connection and belonging but I don't with other adults. 

There are so many difficulties at odds with one another right now.  It is also frustrating when I feel like I am getting somewhere and making progress when something or some series of things knocks me down. 

I'm not even sure what I'm working toward anymore. 

[Not Alone]

Rainy Diary, my heart goes out to you and the frustration and hurt that you are experiencing. It seems that weight after weight is being placed on your shoulders.

[rainydiary]

Thank you Not Alone - I appreciate the image of weights and weights. 
.........
I am back to work today and have 15 days (including weekends) left.  I don't know how people don't count weekends as I am not completely able to turn off my brain about work on weekends.

It is hard to put into words the place I am in today.  I'll try.

Over the weekend I saw a lot of children having very public reactions to their circumstances and experiences.  I was reminded of how in many ways I continue to respond like a child to adversity.  When I thought about it more, I see how much it is because I want to be heard and I still often don't feel heard.

I struggle with the person I want to be and the one I am.  I get stuck because I think I want to be things for reasons that are not coming from me.  I am also struggling because life has felt so chaotic for the past year.

I am deeply upset with how sneaky and conniving my coworkers in my last job were.  I thought I was doing great and they tore me down.  I am not sorry for anything I did or didn't do, but I still cannot make sense of how mean they were.  And how I am in a job now that is adding to my trauma and where I feel myself giving up on this work.

I have felt of late that my husband and I are better finding our way.  The topic of his family really throws everything into chaos which is what happened yesterday. 

I'm not even sure it is his family but his way of responding to change and adversity which gets wrapped up with his family.  We moved to a new place because he had expressed a desire to live at a lower elevation.  Over the weekend he was expressing how much he liked where we lived before.......which is not what he was saying for years.  It is hard when he wishes and washes.  And yet I think I do it too. 

We both didn't have upbringings where our individual self was valued.  And now we are trying to make a way forward.  We don't have children so have different choices in terms of working and money management.  But we fall short of communicating together. 

I am feeling less triggered this morning than I have in a while.  I am trying to not put the pressure on myself to have it all figured out right now and to be kinder with myself to always have all the answers. 

[CactusFlower]

gentle hugs if you want them, Rainy.  Glad to hear a few things are going better for you at the moment. People at work can be hard to figure out, I think. It feels like a lot of people don't show their true selves or much of it in a work person, at least in my experience. Hope things get better for you.

[Bach]

 

[sanmagic7]

rainy, i'm so glad your work situation is near its end.  it has been distressing to read about it, so i can only imagine how your feelings have been. 

also happy to hear about you and your hub doing a bit better.  would couples counseling for the communication part be an option?  sometimes it's easier to see where the problems lay and how to fix them from a third perspective. 

best to you - 2 weeks to go!  love and hugs, my dear