still digging

[sanmagic7]

good idea, notalone.  thanks for that and the validation.  i appreciate it and you.

did some emdr on that rising fear i was distressed about, and thankfully it was taken care of.  i was so wired afterward - sheer relief to be rid of it, i think - that when my D and i went grocery shopping, i danced my way thru the store.  i was invigorated, felt free, and absolutely didn't care what others might be thinking.  it was wonderful!

so, on w/ my life.  i've begun a new book in my shapeshifter series.  it's exciting to begin a new one - all the possibilities of what might happen to who, what problems will come up, how will they be resolved - everything is an anticipation to be unfolded.  i love anticipation - it's such a big part of any journey i undertake. 

dang, this enthusiasm sounds so different coming from me.  for so long, it seems, i've been so low, down in the dumps.  something shifted in a big, positive way during session.  it's like i can see light again.

[CactusFlower]

  So glad to see the EMDR helped and yay on feeling better! My mental image of you dancing through a store makes me smile.

[Not Alone]

I love the idea of you dancing through the store. 

[sanmagic7]

CF and notalone - you both gave me the gifts of grins after i read your posts.  thanks so much for them. 

thankfully, i'm still doing ok.  feels like i'm ready to go back to work on some of my other issues now.  was able to lift some weights this morning, and i have some energy that's been lacking for a while.  getting rid of that fear made me feel much lighter.  i'm not used to being afraid of most anything and i didn't realize, until it was gone, just how debilitating it was for me to be carrying it around.  i like this much better.

[Armee]

Oh dear San I am so happy that you have some relief and freedom now! You worked HARD for that! Trauma work is always a dance...a little forward, a little back, until we find we've managed to dance across the whole grocery store! Whoot whoot!

(I'm with you on how disgusting and frightening the racism is here. It is heartbreaking what African Americans and other non-white races go through here and it is nothing short of massively traumatizing. Daily fear, daily fawning, daily constant hyperalertness trying to read the people close to you and strangers alike. I've been feeling lately like racism is about as bad now as it ever was.)

[sanmagic7]

armee, thanks for your happiness on my behalf.  it was truly exhilarating to be able to do that w/o caring what anyone else thought.  and i have to agree with you on the racism here.  in my lifetime, i've seen it ebb and flow, but never as bad as it is now.  of course, i don't have slavery or cultural trauma that others have in their past, so my perspective is limited by what i see, hear, and learn.  but, it's horrendous right now, i do know that.

rough therapy today.  i'll write more later.  still trying to process the idea that i was traumatized physically, mentally, and emotionally by the time i was 2 days old.  my T called it tragic.  i'm very sad.

[paul72]

that really is tragic sanmagic. I'm sorry you're feeling sad. 

In my job I see so much racism ... I just got off the phone with someone telling me to send a white person. It hurts my heart.. I always tell them how wrong and horrible their comments are ( their response usually tells me whether to take care of them or not). This person apologized but I'm still left worried about how they will treat our team. So a note goes on their file "racist" ... something I thought I might need to do a handful of times.. not dozens and dozens of times. Disgusting and frightening are two very apt words

[Armee]

Sending strong supportive hugs your way.

[Not Alone]

 

[CactusFlower]

HUGS

[sanmagic7]

phil, thanks for your validation.  and i can't express how sorry i am about your experiences w/ racism.  it's just not right.

thanks for the hugs, armee.  love them and back atcha!

love that embracing hug, notalone.  thank you so.

thank you so, CF, for those hugs.  they're great!



it was difficult to realize yesterday how much abuse i'd already endured before i'd even gotten out of the hospital when i was born.  we did some emdr flash on my image of what it might have been like - i saw my parents in the hospital room, my mother holding me, my dad saying i was the ugliest baby he'd ever seen, (joke or not, i don't think my mom responded) my face bruised, my eye puffed up with a cut next to it. and neither of them cooing over me, poor baby, you poor little thing - no compassion or nurturing for my injury (my mom loved babies, but from experience in later years, she didn't do well with me when things were out of sorts in my life).

then i imagined grown me standing on the other side of the hospital room door, knowing what was and was not going on with me and my parents, and i slammed the door open, rushed in feeling like an avenging angel, started yelling at them for their non-care of this precious baby, took baby me from my mother and began rocking her in my arms, loving words, compassionate words.  i was so angry at them, so sad for me, i burst into tears in real life, cried for a good 10 min.  very painful and hurting.

someone else mentioned feeling worse after therapy - well, this was one of those times for me.  i'm ok now, kind of on a plateau of what i felt yesterday.  i know it was good to get those tears out, feel that pain, flush more of the poison from my system, but dang! 

[paul72]

then i imagined grown me standing on the other side of the hospital room door, knowing what was and was not going on with me and my parents, and i slammed the door open, rushed in feeling like an avenging angel, started yelling at them for their non-care of this precious baby, took baby me from my mother and began rocking her in my arms, loving words, compassionate words.  i was so angry at them, so sad for me, i burst into tears in real life, cried for a good 10 min.  very painful and hurting.

I wish I knew how to respond to this, other than with a supportive hug and a tear or two of my own.
That is a really powerful image of you storming in and loving that precious baby. She is so worthy of that love. 

[rainydiary]

Thank you for sharing about your experience - that is such a heavy thing to have carried.  I hope that the "flush" feels supportive in the long run.

[sanmagic7]

phil, i so appreciate what you said.  thanks for all of it.

rainy, i think you're referring to the 'flash', not flush.  it's an emdr technique that allows one to get thru memories w/o having to relive the pain.  in my case, i didn't realize how much pain their in/actions caused.  this was the first time i was able to experience it, and express it thru tears, the appropriate expression, w/o anyone trying to shush me.  and, in my experience, flash technique has been extremely helpful, giving me relief and a wider view/new perspective on how to manage the results of my trauma.  thank you so for your support.

doing a bit better the past couple days.  more energy, a little less brain drain, altho i still don't remember a lot of things, even 5 min. later.  i'm looking at that as trauma brain - i don't want to think i'm losing my mind.  mostly what i forget are tv shows or movies i've seen, but i think it's cuz there are more important things for me to remember. 

[CactusFlower]

San- that was a lot of heavy work, and some really powerful imagery. Gentle hugs for you as you rest up from that big purge.