Rainy Journal 2022

[sanmagic7]

rainy, i love the idea of you taking a day off each week until the end.  i think it's so smart and full of self-care.  glad you stopped when you felt it was the right thing to do for you.  more self-care.  love and hugs

[Armee]

Hi Rainy. I'm glad to have this place where taking a break is ok whenever we need it.

I have the same lack of familiarity with photos when I look at them, especially the ones taken in my childhood homes. It was truly unsettling to not recognize photos of these settings.

I'm sorry your grandmother is declining quickly. We're here as you want to process things.

[paul72]

hi rainydiary
I am sorry your grandmother's health is failing and for the grief you are working through.
I can relate to what you said about the photos - I pull them out from time to time.
I can recognize the people but nothing is familiar at all, if that makes sense ... it really does just cause sadness.
I hope the rest of the school year goes quick for you and your self-care days off are beneficial. It sounds like a great idea!
It's very nice to hear from you again.

[rainydiary]

Thanks San - today taught me I'm not sure I'll be able to take days each week but I will try. 
.....
Thank you Armee - I appreciate your support.  It's helpful to know I'm not the only one that experiences not remembering in pictures.
.....
Thank you Phil - I appreciate your support too and am glad to know I'm not the only one.  I was also upset because I recognized people but not the situations in all cases.  It also seemed like I was trying to pass off interest in things and my haircuts were so crazy which was probably my way of trying to feel control.
.........
My grandmother is in her final stages of death.  I can set aside family stuff in this time.  My mom and her sisters were all able to be by her side and tell her goodbye.

I feel grief because my grandmother made choices to make her life better which helped me.  She didn't have the chance or knowledge to heal from her trauma.  I don't know if she was sexually assaulted but there was definitely sexual assault in her childhood home.  So I carry her trauma too. 

Work continues to be difficult.  I didn't react as strongly today to the latest twist.  The parent of this student is clearly needing to work something out.  It sucks to be caught in her storm.  I am hoping I learn something from this experience even if it is just that some things aren't worth me giving energy to.

[Armee]

Grandma's like that are really special Rainy. I am sorry you are losing her. I think about mine often and still grieve the loss.

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs for you if you want them, Rainy. It's hard to lose someone we truly love. I'm wishing you peace and whatever energy you need to get through this. We're here for you.

[sanmagic7]

rainy, i echo armee and CF about your grandmother.  sending love and a hug filled with peace and comfort as you go thru these final days.

[rainydiary]

Thank you all.  I received word from my mom about 10 minutes ago that my grandmother has died.

I did end up looking through all the photos in the box.

I saw how present this grandmother and her husband my grandfather were in my early life.  I think during that time my parents were more supported than they were later.

I am feeling a lot right now about many things but am not sure I have the words right now. 

[Bach]

Thinking of you, rainy.

[Armee]

Thinking of you, too. Rainy. The grief may be overwhelming. That's OK. grieve this loss however you need to.

[dollyvee]

All the best right now rainy.

[CactusFlower]

Hugs, rainy, thinking of you.

[Not Alone]

I'm truly sorry for your loss.

[paul72]

I'm so sorry for you loss, rainy

[rainydiary]

Thank you all.  I appreciate your support.  I hope to be able to engage with others journals again soon but for now am stuck in my own experience.

.........
It's hard to express how I feel about my grandmother's death.  We truly weren't that close.  She was hard to know.  She made me uncomfortable as I felt like I was annoying to her.  She was nosy and rather rude.  She did things I didn't like such as throwing trash out the window of a moving vehicle.

And yet she grew up in a horrible home where she and her siblings were abused.  She left that home as a teen to finish high school because that was important to her. She joined the military.  She made a life with my grandfather.  Although things are still difficult for women, it was even more so in her youth and adulthood. 

I am grateful that she left home and did her best even if at times she was hurtful.  I hope she is at peace now.

Work continues to be a journey.  I am proud of myself in that I am finally able to separate out what is mine and what is others.  I am upset that I am being dragged into this situation- the parent wrote a 120 page document about their complaints.  But I see that has very little to do with me.  I haven't done anything wrong other than be a human.  I have to speak with our school district's attorney this week regarding this.