Learning to heal, Larry's journey

[paul72]

Hey Larry
I hope you don't mind if I share something that really helps me when I can remember it.
I was asked by someone a year ago that I confided in "how do you survive everyday?" I said I smoke a lot of pot. She said that's ok , but threw in a soft "for now".
No judgement just love.
Mostly to me it was a recognition that
a) what you've been through is exceptionally hard ... as well as
b) you need something to help your pain...but
c) you are so worth the healthiest options too. You deserve them.

Now she didn't say all that but that's how I took it based on the love she said it with.
I send my love with saying that to you... if it helps. Forgive me please if it doesn't. 
(And I still smoke pot so this is no judgement ever- I'm still fighting the demons alongside  you)

[Larry]

thank you phil,     this really helps.     

[Larry]

i really have been struggling with things.  hypervigilance has been out of control,   i feel like such a burden everywhere i go.    i really do not like emotions.   i just want to feel normal !

[rainydiary]

I hope you find some ease.

[dollyvee]

Hi Larry,

I hope you find some ease too...it sounds like your inner critic is working overtime right now and it's never fun when that happens. It has a way of being really loud and disruptive as a way of trying to keep you safe. It doesn't mean that all the things it says are true. I haven't read the Pete Walker stuff on the inner critic in a while but I remember it being good. The Jay Earley stuff on the IC was helpful to me (my inner critic showed up as my mom - sometimes we inherit these things from our parents/family) and I'm still learning how to manage that but I think it's gotten better.

dolly

[Larry]

I feel good today,  why can't i always feel like this ?   not working today,  might go to the gym.   trying to keep myself busy.   

[Larry]

i have been really busy with work.   it really helps me if i stay busy.   i think i am not working tomorrow.   might take the dogs to the beach.     i have been doing better with not over drinking.   i still have a few each day,  but i haven't been getting drunk every night. 

[sanmagic7]

keep up the good work, larry.  love and hugs

[dollyvee]

Hi Larry,

It sounds great that you've been keeping busy. Sending you support for what you have going on. In my reading lately, I've come across some stuff about the DRD2 receptors and their role in addiction. Not saying you're an addict just that if these certain genes are activated ie going through a traumatic childhood, it can make the brain favour chemicals/alcohol to cope (activating those dopamine pathways) and makes peoples' reactions to those substances stronger. It's just the way their brains are wired.

Have a great day at the beach,
dolly

[Larry]

thank you san and dolly !   i have not heard of drd2 but it sounds like something i should read about. 

[sanmagic7]

i've heard something similar to what dolly said, but it was more in the context of genetic predisposition.  either way, the idea of triggers for it being pinged by trauma makes a lot of sense.  i know that with my first beer, alcohol and i became best friends (until we weren't anymore), but there was a lot of alcohol consumption in my family.  something to think about.  i hope you find some answers, larry.  love and hugs

[dollyvee]

Hi Larry,

I was messaging my cousin this morning about genetic stuff and it popped into my mind  about our grandmother also being an alcoholic. I went and had a look at my own DRD2 (SNP rs6277) and it's homozygous which is the most at risk. My mom also had alcohol/drug issues. So, I looked into it a little further and found this which talks about the DRD2 receptors, addiction, and the SNP I have and then it clicked that the DRD2 receptors are dopamine receptors which is what makes us feel good. Funnily enough, is what my FMP said was lacking for me.

Behavioral and Neural Manifestations of Reward Memory in Carriers of Low-Expressing versus High-Expressing Genetic Variants of the Dopamine D2 Receptor
https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2017.00654/full

I think commenting on your post yesterday maybe had it lurking in the back of mind and glad it resonated for you and San. I think sometimes we can blame ourselves unfairly for things when there's stuff like this going on in the background. 

dolly

[Larry]

sure explains some things, thank you !

[Larry]

i am really trying to get my wife to understand what i deal with.     she thinks i am irratable,  unreasaonable,      i just want to be left alone.    i think i was happier when i was alone and miserable. 

[Armee]

I'm so sorry, Larry. This is really difficult. I honestly relate to that feeling of finding it easier to be alone. But at the same time we deserve and need love and connection, too. Our abusers shouldn't get that win of keeping us from that deeply human experience. Screw them. Not that, too.

Does it help to find some truth to what she's saying and accept it? I mean that is part of cptsd right? I think I'm unreasonable a lot of the times...I'm always wondering * is wrong with me? Why am I acting like this? Why can't i just be normal? Why am I terrified? Maybe acknowledging that can open up a deeper conversation of what it's like for you, and what it's like for her?

At the same time - and I'm saying this gently and with love and understanding and immense compassion for what you are struggling with and how hard you are already trying- i know how kind you are and that you also believe that our trauma reactions can't be an excuse to hurt people we love, either, with our behaviors? At some point we need to move past just understanding why we are messed up and into honest efforts to repair the damage?

But mostly I'm just sending a lot of compassion your way. You have done so much to get better already! Your drinking has been lighter, you are exercising, you are reaching out here, you gave therapy a try....you are doing so much. I'm proud of you! You've got this...it's just a bumpy ride. That's the nature of the beast.