Rainy Journal 2022

[rainydiary]

My work ended ok yesterday although I think I am past the rose colored glasses portion of being new.

I am still exhausted in my work.  I feel like working with young people is my vocation and I hope to find a way to do it that doesn't trigger me so much. 

I am feeling confused as this day ends.

Last night I had a dream where a person I interpreted to be a man showed me care and kindness and it drew me to them.  I wanted more. 

Today I felt more connected to my husband than I have in a long time.  We had a good day generally and plan to explore an island near us tomorrow.  As we preparing for that, I misheard and/or misinterpreted something he said.  His response was rude and it hurt me.

What I see in him is a lot of anxiety and insecurity which I don't know if he acknowledges to himself.  I know his reaction to me misunderstanding was more about the crappy ways he was treated growing up.  I also think he demonstrated awareness that he hurt me. 

And yet we didn't talk about it.  He didn't try to say "that came out wrong."   I don't think we need to go into every single instance all the time...and yet some of my trauma has been the result of small moments adding up over time.  There has been so much in our past that I am giving myself a hard time for putting up with.

I also continue to be confused about my friend from high school.  He has been in more contact with me since I moved closer and we have similar interests.  I am no where near as passionate about the common areas as he is, but I learn a lot from him.  And I know that in the past he really respected me.  I don't want that to change.  I actually think it would help me a lot if I could talk to him about my experiences growing up.  But I'm not sure that will come up.  I'm also not sure I should ever meet up with him. 

I am embarrassed and ashamed to say this, but often when I've been sad in my relationship, I have wondered and hoped that this friend would be the "one that got away." 

I realize that a lot of my favorite shows and movies and books have a couple where the guy was really into the girl all along and I imagine that as my story.  I think this friend and I both had feelings for each other in high school....but nothing came of it and our lives have taken very different paths.  I have had this fantasy for a very long time, even before I was married.  I am not sure why I can't shake this person and this wish.  But I feel like I need to tread carefully because it feels like I am edging toward hurt.

I am so mad and ashamed at myself for feeling this way.  I'm upset because I realize when my husband isn't here, I feel like something is missing.  I'm also upset because ultimately no one can tell me how to move forward or what is right for me.  I haven't really worked out what it is I want.  Also I worry that what I want isn't possible in how humans actually are. 

[sanmagic7]

oh, those dreaded twins, embarrass and guilt. i know them well, especially around relationships.  i think those are the things that hurt us the most, rather than the actual thoughts or wishes or dreams we have. 

rainy, if i may, i think addressing 'every little thing' right now might not be a bad way to ease into a closer communication w/ your H.  as you said, it was the pileup of all those little things over the years which led to you 'putting up' with stuff, behaviors, ineffectual communication that you're now upset with yourself about.  it's up to you, tho.  would it help if you address these 'little thing' so they don't get layered over time? do you think you'd feel better toward yourself if you did?  no need to answer me - those questions just popped into my head.

wishing you all the best with this, rainy.  i don't have an answer for you either, but know that i appreciate you, your struggles, and your sharing.  very courageous to write about something embarrassing.  i hope you can begin to accept it all as part of your process.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Thank you for these words and questions, San.  I dreaded coming back and seeing any responses to what I wrote because it feels absurd.  I appreciate the questions and support you offer.
........

Today was a good day - my husband and I went on a day trip to an island near us.  We rode a ferry to get there.  I did a run and my husband hiked.  I got lost and luckily technology helped me find my way to a spot where my husband could pick me up.

My husband ran into someone from his hometown while hiking.  She works at a place that makes cider in town and we went and had a tasting there.  During lunch my husband brought up his family and their upcoming visit.  I noticed that both him seeing someone he knows and the mention of his family upset me.  I articulated this without drama and we were able to talk through it a bit. 

I think a struggle is that I have this story I am not a good communicator.  I often fawn in relationship to others and perhaps won't say what I think.  I think this comes from trying to say what is true for me and not getting anywhere.  I think I often have communicated with many people the reality of my situation and met with pain.  Keeping it in often isn't great but it is a trick to find someone I trust.

I am pretty worn out from this day trip as well as from my cat waking me up at night.  Something isn't right with her and I am acknowledging to myself how I constantly have worry about her.  I cannot tell if what is going on is something emotional or if she hurt herself.  Whatever is going on isn't an emergency and we have a vet visit next week.  I have a difficult time trusting vets especially after last summer.  I am also just worried each vet visit will bring terrible news and that I will have to face the end of my time with my cat. 

[Armee]

None of what you wrote feels absurd to me, Rainy. Just very human. Relatio ships c an actually be good kind respectful and fulfilling. That isn't a total pipe dream, either. I hope your kitty is ok.

[sanmagic7]

hey, rainy,

glad your trip went well.  as much as i have loved traveling, it can be exhausting, for sure.  and so sorry about your cat.  hope he's ok. 

if that story about your communication skills came from outside yourself, or because you became afraid of consequences if you spoke your truth, it can be truly difficult to eliminate those old messages and have faith in yourself that you can do it well.  time and practice, right?  i've seen your communication skills change on the forum and i've liked getting to know more about you and what you think.  thanks for sharing.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Armee, thank you - I am being especially hard on myself right now and it is tough to find a way through.
.....
San, I appreciate the reflection about my communication.
..........

I am not feeling well emotionally right now.  I am on a week break from work and as I settle into the rest, a lot is coming up.

My cat is having trouble jumping up onto things like the couch and bed.  I'm not sure why but it wakes me up at night when I hear her struggling.  I ordered some pet stair/ramps to try to make it more accessible. 

When her failed attempt woke me up this morning, I couldn't fall back asleep.  I felt and still feel numb and empty. 

I can't seem to focus on what it is coming up.  It is random and an assortment of a number of past and present concerns.

It continues to hurt to reconsider images I hold of myself.  I like a lot of space and time alone.  And yet depending on the situation, I struggle with being by myself. 

I was punished growing up for wanting to be alone and perhaps that is part of it.  I see how much I center other people through relationships and work and when I have chance to show attention to myself I struggle. 

I don't understand why I am being so harsh right now toward myself.  I feel how I have shifted as a person and yet each shift exposes something else. 

[Not Alone]

I don't understand why I am being so harsh right now toward myself.  I feel how I have shifted as a person and yet each shift exposes something else.

I relate to this.

I hope you are able to find space to just be and to have some peace. For me, sometimes a novel helps with that.

[sanmagic7]

as witih notalone, i, too, relate to what you're experiencing.  this whack-a-mole aspect of trauma recovery can be very wearing.  sending love and a hug filled with self-comfort

[CactusFlower]

Agreeing and also relating. Wishing you love and comfort and rest. HUGS

[dollyvee]

Hi Rainy,

I'm sorry to hear about your cat and I'm sure she'll enjoy spending time with you via the ramp.

Going back to what San said about bringing up all the little things, it sounds like maybe that's the way through it? To let people know how you're feeling even if it might not have a good result. I don't know if it's comforting, but when I was with my ex I felt like he didn't understand/try hard enough etc. He was definitely avoidant and it activated me, but he also did a lot of little things that were caring. When I look back on it, I missed those because I was so activated but they were there. Have you guys thought about couples' counselling?

Sending you support and you should have the space to do the things that you'd like to do like be alone. That's who you are and people should respect that.

dolly

[rainydiary]

Thank you all for the responses - my mind is not in a space for individual responses today.
........
I am have this gut feeling something bad is going to happen.

I have these feelings from time to time and the bad that happens is never something I anticipate.

I think I am worried it will be my cat - that I will go to the vet next week and they will share news of a major issue.  I am trying to provide her with as much comfort as I can which I have done the whole time of my ownership of her.

My mind also wondered how my grandmother is.  My mom doesn't give updates so I don't know how my grandma is but maybe I am having body reactions to her end of life processes.

My husband will be traveling soon and I always worry when he leaves that something will happen.

Oddly I don't ever worry it will be me.  I wouldn't necessarily know if something bad happens to me. 

I'm not sure why I am feeling this so strongly and it is overwhelming me.  I want to cry but crying was so punished when I was growing up that my tears are stuck right now. 

I had a good morning - I did some inline skating and it was so fun.  I am about to go have a massage. 

All I can do is try to care for myself and meet things when they come.

[sanmagic7]

gentle hugs of support.  i can relate to having those bad feelings of anticipation, and they're awful.  love and care to you, rainy.

[dollyvee]

Hi Rainy,

Hope that you're doing better. I wonder if these things are weighing on you so much because they are things outside of your control? Maybe there was a similar time that brought up these feelings when you were growing up, or there was something you had to control or x would happen?

Sending you support,
dolly

[Larry]

  hi rainy

[rainydiary]

Hi All, I appreciate the check ins. 
........

I'm not fully sure what my feeling was the other day. 

I had taken my car to have the windshield repaired.  Later they called me to say they couldn't repair it as they didn't have a replacement.  I was pretty upset because I had been called by them the day before to show up, my car sat there for several hours before they called me, and my husband and I spent time getting the car there.  There is nothing I can do but wait but it was frustrating.

I have been really feeling a lot the past several days.  The massage therapist I have started seeing here works differently than my previous therapist.  She did some work on my legs and I wonder if it released some things.  She also is such a gentle person - my hair was in my eyes and she moved it out of the way.  It was such a kind gesture and reminded me that I haven't had many things like that in my life. 

This morning I woke up in fear.  My thoughts immediately went to my former job.  I am still so hurt by what happened.  Along my run this morning, I was able to find some words to name some of what I am dealing with - power imbalances. 

I saw a seagull pull a crab out of the ocean and plop the crab on its back.  The crab was helpless and going to be eaten.  I could relate to the crab. 

I also encountered a number of dog owners with unleashed dogs (in an urban, public use trail where signs clearly state for dogs to be leashed).  Based on a recent interaction with someone where they reflected that they heard fear in my voice when I talked about encountering dogs in this way,  I considered if I am afraid of dogs.  I have been lunged at and chased by unfamiliar dogs.  So yes some dogs scare me.

But as I watched the owners and how they could not see beyond their own experience, I realized I am not afraid of the dogs but of the owners.  I am afraid of other people.  For so many reasons but mostly for the pain they cause. 

It's hard because I know I cause pain too.  I think it is human to do so because we are human.  And yet I can't seem to find the space and people to work through this with.  I want to be a positive influence on the world and yet I feel so stuck in myself. 

I dread going back to work tomorrow.  There are 65 total days (including weekends) before the end of the school year.  I am trying to decide if I want to apply for a different kind of job or ask to go part time at my current job next school year.