Learning to heal, Larry's journey

[Larry]

thank you armee,  that is all i really want,  to be happy,    i don't know why it is so hard.

[Armee]

It's so hard because it is much more difficult to heal a brain and nervous system injury than it is a broken arm. Except here you're also trying to heal without seeing a doctor. Like walking around living your life with your femur poking out through your skin and wondering why it won't just heal already.

[rainydiary]

Larry, I am glad you are sharing your experiences here. 

[Larry]

i am so thankkfull for everyone here.   i am so lost,  just trying to be happy,  i really appreciate all of you helping me see what is really happening.   i want to heal,    and i think i know what i need to do,  i just can't always do the things i need to do.  the few sessions i had were hard, painful and emotinal.   but i think it really helped.    it is hard with my work schedule ,   but i think i need therapy.   i need something.   i have some good days,  but sometimes the pain just makes me want to get drunk enough to forget.    i know others are feeling the same pain,   and i really feel for them,  it isn't fair.   we did not ask for this,   it is so hard

[Armee]

It is really hard. And don't think for one minute you are alone or failing. You aren't. You're going at the pace you are able to right now. I look back 4 years ago to where I was. I was sunk onto the living room floor in a corner staring into space for hours every night once the kids went to sleep. Terrified. Hating myself. Dissociated nonstop. Sitting in an empty bathtub. Unable to effectively parent. Unable to even consider asking my husband for help or to tell him how much I was suffering and unable to even see that I needed help. You are able to see. You are ahead of the curve.  You'll get there. It's also OK to try the other therapist and tell them that you need to go very very slow and gentle. Just build up slow. There's no rush. Pushing too hard too fast backfires for complex trauma as you saw.

[rainydiary]

It is difficult and challenging to balance everything - work, relationships, well-being, nutrition, activity, etc, etc, etc.  It is also difficult to wire our brains to respond differently.  We really need others to help us with that which is difficult because others can be so challenging to trust given our histories. 

[sanmagic7]

larry, i don't think you're failing, either.  it is difficult to take the step needed to see someone who could help you.  and, yeah, therapy can be hard, emotional, painful, but i also believe we have survived our traumas for a reason.  you're right, we didn't ask for this, but we are the only ones who can help ourselves heal - and if that means seeing someone for guidance, then that's what we'll do.  in the time that is manageable for us.

i'm glad you can look at your therapy experience and acknowledge how hard it was, but also that it helped.  i hope you can ride that wave.  when you do, it's ok to tell your T that you want to take therapy more slowly, give you time between for the pain, etc., to settle before going on to whatever's waiting.  best to you with this.  love and hugs

[Larry]

i feel more positive today,  i drank too much last night,  but trying to put that behind me.  i did a yoga class this morning,  going to the gym later today.  i  am really trying to focus on my health,  trying to use that to limit drinking.   i have noticed some results since i started going to the gym  ,  that really helps  me stay motivated.   i should get my schedule for april soon,  hopefully i get a day off each week,  maybe i can try to work therapy into my schedule. 

[dollyvee]

Hi Larry,

Sorry things are tough for you right now. I second what San said and that you're in control with your T. If things are difficult and hard, you can share that with them. They're not going to make you do anything you don't want to do.

I don't know if you're familiar with IFS but states that we're all made up of parts which then preform different roles in us. So, if you had a part that was hurt as a child, it will likely have a protector part that tries to protect it from being hurt that way again. When the emotions from that part get too much and "leak out" it can leads to firefighting behaviours like drinking, over eating, risky behaviour etc. If you want to look into it the book by Jay Earley called Self Therapy is pretty good at explaining step by step how to talk to those parts when they come up (you'll need to be in Self). If you are able to speak to your parts, you might be able to hear why they want to protect you, and what makes calling your T so difficult. Even thought the emotions that come up in IFS can be tricky, and sometimes I need to explore other things to compliment it, it has helped me a lot. 

dolly

[Larry]

thank you dolly !  i found that book and downloaded it.   might start reading it tonight

[Larry]

friday...  worked all day,  from 8 am until 8 pm.   had a few drinks on the way home.   i feel good,  ready for the weekend,   working all day tomorrow.   i got about 5 hours of sleep last night,  i hope i can do that tonight.   waiting to get my schedule for april,   i really want to do some therapy.   i am afraid,  scared,  and terrified,  but i know it will help.   

[rainydiary]

 

[dollyvee]

Hi Larry,

Therapy is really tough but also immensely helpful. I had to go through a learning curve I think with them. I've had a few therapists and while they were all good and helpful in their own way, I went through a couple therapists before I found a really good one. It's hard to put your feelings out there but you're always in control of what you want to talk about. Over time you guys might look at why you  don't want to talk about that stuff etc but it's your own timeline.

I thought I'd mention the book and if it's helpful for you, that's great. After learning about it here on the forum from Owl, Snowdrop and Hope, it really allowed me to access my emotions in a way I hadn't been able to before.

Glad you're feeling better,
dolly

[Hope67]

Hi Larry,
I hope that the weekend is an enjoyable one for you.  Also wishing you the best for therapy too.
Hope 

[Armee]

That's a really normal way to feel, Larry, about therapy. I still shake in fear when I get to therapy most times even after this long and feeling so trusting and in sync with my therapist. I keep going because I see the changes in me and my life and how I feel emotionally and physically and I really really want be free of this stuff.