Learning to heal, Larry's journey

[dollyvee]

Hi Larry,

Hope you're doing better. Like Armee suggested, there's no shame in having to ask for help. We're all dealing with really big things that we had to carry from little children when we should have had help but didn't. It's difficult to work through all this and no one blames you for not being "better" or "normal." I don't think there is a normal. I felt that way for a long time and still do a bit, that I'm always on the outside because of what happened and how it shaped me, and that these things are something I had to get rid of, but am learning to love the strengths and qualities it's given me. It's not easy though.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Larry]

   thank you dolly,   I had a good day yesterday,   i did get some severe anxiety and hypervigilance when i was picking up some food for my wife.  the place was so busy and crowded,  i just felt in the way,   but i got out of there without freaking out too much.   no bad dreams last night,  i really feel good about today.   fingers crossed !

[sanmagic7]

my fingers are crossed for you, too, larry.  love and hugs

[Larry]

i did not drink at all yesterday,  i keep going up and down witht that,  i wasn't drinking too much,  just everyday.  trying to slow down a little,   work is getting busy,  our season is finally here.  that really helps keep me occupied.   going to a cross fit class at the gym today.   not sure what to do after that,  it has been a while ssince i did something fun.   maybe a nice bike ride on the bridge. 

[Larry]

things were going well,  i had 4 drinks today,  i don't know why,  but i started getting such negative feelings,   sometimes i feel so lonely and unwanted.  i know it probably isn't true.   i don't like all the pain,  i just want it to stop.    i really want to give therapy another try,  just having a hard time making that call. 

[Armee]

Probably the hardest thing I've done is calling a therapist. We'll be here to give you support and encouragement when you decide it's time to call. 

[sanmagic7]

ditto what armee said.  we're right beside you.  love and hugs

[Larry]

   maybe monday,   thank you both for being here

[woodsgnome]

This is all so complex and we all want answers, now. Maybe that happens for some, but it sure hasn't for me, nor for the many others I've read about here and in various writings that I've dived into over the years. I was obsessed with wanting THE answer, and it seems like there's quite a few floating around. This doesn't help our anxiety much but it presents some other options, at least in part.

I guess what prompted me to respond here is twofold -- 1) admiration that despite odds and lapses, you're keeping on even not knowing where to turn; that curiosity brought you this far and it bodes well that if you can keep it up, you will discover, maybe not THE answer, but a range of options that can help. ...2) it is a journey, it's hard, it gets discouraging, but there's hope that even a little boost is possible, and then, afterwards maybe another; and they're all worth more than just floundering around without hope.

So, keep traveling is all I can say. You've done quite well so far, even if it doesn't seem so rosy to your own understanding. How do I know any of this? I've been there, too; and I feel for you, Larry. 

[Larry]

thank you woodsgnome,  it is really nice to have someone who understsands.   
today was good,  nothing bad happened,   i had 3 drinks after work,   just trying to rest,  i need more sleep.   

[rainydiary]

Hi Larry, I hope you find some rest.

[Larry]

my wife knows a little about cptsd,  she knows i have flashbacks and nightmares.   she doesn't really know the many other things i deal with.   she gets angry with me if i don't read her mind.   somehow it is my fault if i don't do something  ,  even if i didn't know i was supposed to do it.    i really can't take it anymore.   i am so tired of people putting me down.    i am a good person,  i think of others.   i am always willing to help others.    why do so people want to belittle me?     i really don't know what to do,  but i can't take it anymore.   

[paul72]

hi Larry,
I get the feeling of being maxed out... like nobody ever understands, like you can't possibly do any more.
I am sure you are a good person.. absolutely sure of it .. and I'm sorry people put you down.
I just want to encourage you to keep on...
This hurts like heck almost every day... but it's for a bigger purpose.. for you
There are many periods I can point to in my life... and these last 2 years, of starting to really feel pain of the past,  I will count among my most difficult. But I also count it as the path to being me. I have the confidence that this will not break me (as much as it feels like it sometimes)
Would I prefer to have skipped this period? Maybe some most days ha... but I know I'm not as angry as before.. slower to panic.. more patient and understanding. Small things perhaps for the price but I see it as the bigger purpose.. to come out a realer version of me
I still haven't responded to the therapist that replied to my initial request.. I don't want to do it either.. just so you know
But I know I will ... I am taking pills for the first time ever.. and I have to say, I'm not sad about it- We are worth more than the help that we need.
I wish we could see ourselves on the other side of this. I bet you'd like you.

[rainydiary]

Larry, it is difficult for other people to understand the experience of CPTSD and that can be really frustrating and lonely.  I appreciate all that you are doing. 

[Armee]

I agree you are a good kind person, Larry. I'm glad you can see that. I am sorry that you are feeling belittled by people around you. That is painful and unfair. I'd feel hurt and angry and hurt some more by that. You're a good person. It's hard for people to understand the depth of injury from cPTSD. I don't always understand it myself. I hope with time your wife turns into a support system for you and understands.