Rainy Journal 2022

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I appreciate your words and support.
.........
I think I have reached the point where I become disregulated. 


I am noticing that I am fine when we are traveling to our destination.  Today I made suggestions of activities to keep us going which seemed supportive.

Something that is hard is my husband will make one suggestion and I will then look forward to that.  Then he will change his mind and suggest something else (such as what we eat for lunch). 

Today I wasn't attached to our first decision but I realized that it is extremely difficult for me to switch gears.  I imagine the effort of holding it together and switching wears on me. 

We have had a good afternoon although I managed to bruise the ball of my foot and am now deeply uncomfortable.  We had a pleasant dinner.  Now that all if that is done, we are settling down for the night. 

And as I settle, I miss my cat and I miss my home and I want to leave.  This is the point I get to.  I also work hard to manage this but almost always sleep poorly which doesn't help.  I will have to pay attention but I think usually have a meltdown the second day of trips.  So tomorrow will be good to pay attention to even though we will go home tomorrow.

Something that surprised me today is that my husband noticed earlier that I wasn't doing very well and he gave me space to share about what is going on.  Even though that helped, I am realizing that travel is so difficult and exhausting for me because of how hard it is for me to switch gears. 

[rainydiary]

I am back home and didn't have any major meltdowns while traveling.  I did share my observations with my husband which may have helped. 

Last night I had a dream in which someone noticed I was in need of support and information and offered their help and advice.  This is the second dream of late where someone has helped me.  I've never had dreams like this before and it brings me some comfort.

There is still a lot of uncertainty moving forward and yet I think clarity and concrete next steps will emerge. 

[rainydiary]

I spent some time journaling on paper today.

I had just written that today I am feeling ok.  Almost immediately I get a text from my dad.

The text was requesting an update on the three things that seem to represent me to my parents: my new job, my planned new car, my move.  And then the finale: what about your current house? (As though people don't sell houses everyday)

I share the same information I've shared with both him and my mom several times as nothing has changed. 

As I was writing back to him, it occurred to me that my parents are most likely anxious in their attachments.  All this change for me is triggering them.

This exchange hurt me because I have been feeling really upset of late about my relationship to my parents. 

I don't feel like they like me or my husband and I don't particularly like them.  I don't think I need them to like me, but it would help to not have their anxiety seep into everything and leave me feeling unsupported. 

I also have come to realize how much they have in common with my in-laws.  All the things my in-laws do that bug me are things my parents have done in the past.

The difference between my husband and I was that I put more distance between my parents and myself.  And now these days as they age I feel a different kind of pressure than I did before.

I do not want to care for them and yet feel a wider gulf between myself and my siblings than before.  I don't see how we are going to navigate the future.  Add to that my in-laws, I sometimes dread the future. 

For now I am trying to heal.  A part of me wishes I knew more about the people I come from.  And I grieve knowing that there are parts of our history that feel gone because my grandfathers are dead and my grandmothers are not well. 

I do know I come from a particular line of people that have deviated from their parents.  In many ways I think I come from a line of cycle breakers even if they still passed along generational trauma. 

*sigh*

[rainydiary]

Today I spent a lot of time listening to podcasts and walking outdoors. 

Right now I notice I am indulging in fantasy of how I want my life to be.  I'm not sure it is always a bad thing to do that yet I worry I am still waiting for someone or something to make me all whole.

I am still waiting for things to move forward.  I am tired of all the people in my life putting pressure on me to have answers or knowledge I don't have.  I'm tired of being so unkind to myself.

[dollyvee]

Hi rainy,

I'm just wanted to say I'm sorry that you're having a difficult time right now. I like being out in nature and find it's a good way to reset.

dolly

[rainydiary]

Dolly, I appreciate your words and support.   
.........
I am feeling tired today and also I've been able to release some stuck feelings. 

I had what I believe will be my last haircut with my current stylist.  She has been a big supporter of mine and I am sorry that our relationship is ending.

There was a guest speaker in my yoga teacher training last year that I really liked.  I signed up for a mailing list she has.  Today she sent out a message about estrangement and trauma.  I felt really supported by her message.

I decided to respond to what she wrote.  In my response to her I realized how much my visit to my parents really bothered me.  I haven't gotten over it.  I can't shake the feeling that they are so disappointed in me and find my humanity gross and unacceptable.  I am also so puzzled over my relationship with my husband and with others in general. 

After I responded back to her, I cried a good cry.  It was much needed.

I decided to go for a walk and when I got back I saw that she had responded to me.  She thanked me for my message and for sharing my vulnerability with her.  It felt good to get her message.

I am taking it slow today.  I am so tired and my body is telling me to take it easy. 

[rainydiary]

Today is starting off with way more excitement than I anticipated. 

I haven't been fully sure of how to navigate the hiring for my job but also haven't heard anything from the folks there for weeks.

The HR person I've been in contact with today emailed me this morning to clarify when I will be coming to bring my paperwork and made the assumption it would be this week.

So it is Wednesday, I am still in my current state.  I have not received any confirmation of a start date from the people I would be working for.  No, I don't think I will be bringing papers this week.  And I certainly hope they don't expect me to show up on Monday. 

I left a voicemail with the person I interviewed with and who called me to let me know they wanted to hire me to get clarification.

My impression is she will be understanding.  Of course I am feeling foolish like I have missed something.  How am I supposed to know what they want if they haven't told me? 

I hope for more clarity today and I hope I will be able to be gentle with myself as things start to be set in motion.

[rainydiary]

A lot happened today and the next several days will be interesting.

First, I was able to buy my car.  I am so excited to have a car again.  I have to take it back to the dealer tomorrow because they didn't turn off some setting that limits the speed. 

Next, I got clarity from my new job.  There has been a lot of miscommunication - they are basically waiting for me to show up.  I find it so odd - every job I've had has given a set start date.  Not these folks. 

They were very nice to me about the situation but sheesh.  It is so odd.  My intention is to get myself organized tomorrow and start driving.  I've been slowly getting ready and have been wanting to get going.  I am just really overwhelmed that so much happened today. 

I hope folks will keep me in their thoughts in the next several days.  I have a lot of trauma with long distance driving and am pretty anxious with the drive.  I know I can do it as I drove here from far away.  All I can do is take my time. 

[paul72]

hi rainydiary
Absolutely sending best wishes for a peaceful drive and a smooth transition.
I hope the overwhelming feeling fades and you can enjoy some of the excitement of it all.
Definitely in my thoughts these next few days. 
The miscommunication stinks... I've had that happen the other way innocently enough... definitely worse from the new hire side. I'm glad they were very nice about it
Best wishes rainydiary!! You got this

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
I am happy to hear that you now have your new car.  I hope you enjoy driving it - and that you're safe on your journeys in it (I read that you dislike long distance driving - so I really hope that you will be ok, and stay safe)

Interesting what happened with the job, and the miscommunications.  It sounds like both of you were a bit cautious about not over-stepping things with one another, so there seemed to be some care and concern on both sides (that's what I thought, I don't know) - but I really hope that they are supportive and welcoming to you on whatever first day you have with them.  Fingers crossed for you. 

I agree with Phil72 'You got this'   

Hope 

[dollyvee]

Hi Rainy,

I just wanted to check in and say that I hope the trip has gone well and that you made it there and back safely.

I've had times in the past where it didn't make sense or feel right to question things, and also other times where I've probably questioned too much instead of just letting it happen. It's hard to find the boundary where I feel ok at times to put myself out there and question things and not question myself.

dolly

[Armee]

Wow thats really strange that they didn't give you a clear start date and were just waiting for you to show up! 

I hope the drive went well and that you feel comfortable with the job and people too. 

[Larry]

   hi rainy ,  hope you have a great day

[CactusFlower]

Just saying Hi and thinking of you. I hope everything went okay! gentle hugs if you want them.

[rainydiary]

Thank you all for the support and encouragement.

I wanted to share an update.

I made it safely to my new state.  The drive was long and with the exception of one near miss with a deer (of course a deer would try to run across a highway when I am driving a new car), it was uneventful and smooth.

When I showed up to my AirBnB type place on Sunday, I couldn't get in.  I called the property person and they said I couldn't stay there due to mold.  It is crazy no one called me.  I will say I come have a long way that this didn't set me off.  I found another hotel and stayed there.  The challenge is that I brought my cat with me and not all places take cats...plus she is a cat and not at all enjoying this constant change. 

I am now staying with a work colleague of my husband's and have a time to view an apartment today.  It is nice of these folks to let me stay but it is going to wear on me quickly.  The apartment should work out - my husband and I looked at this apartment complex when we were here in November and both liked it. 

I turned in the documents the HR people wanted.  I am still so confused by the way things are run, but I will be starting next Tuesday.  I hope someone will let me know where I need to be.  I am accepting that they are a bit dysfunctional - it seems like there is a huge gap between HR and everyone else (which is common in school districts).  I'm also not upset because my husband and I are working out how we can both stop working as soon as possible and be "retired."  So for now, this is a way to make money.

I appreciate all of your support.