Rainy Diary 2021

Armee · December 22, 2021, 03:04:51 PM

I'll be thinking of you and wishing you the same Rainy as I am extra gentle with myself the next few days.

dollyvee · December 22, 2021, 03:18:37 PM

Hi rainy,

I understand about feeling stressed about heading home for the holidays and will be thinking about you

I also get the emotional reaction to watching the show with the father standing up for the girl. It's hard when we didn't have people to stand up for us and with us.

I understand your frustration over your husband and his behaviour with his FOO. I don't know if it's helpful or not but I've been hearing some interesting information about tests through friends. One said he had a mild cough and was a bit under the weather but all his lateral flow tests over three days were negative. When he started feeling better, his lateral flow was positive. Another shared the different results of nasal and throat swabs and how nasal can be negative while throat positive. I've been having symptoms of water retention and night sweats over the last week which I just learned are symptoms now related to omnicron. However, I've had two negative lateral flows and one negative PCR test in the last week.

Hope you find some good space for yourself with your family over the holidays.

dolly

Larry · December 22, 2021, 03:43:55 PM

sending hugs and sunshine,

Alter-eg0 · December 23, 2021, 05:41:19 PM

Take care, rainy!

rainydiary · December 24, 2021, 05:17:30 PM

I'm glad I logged on here and appreciate all of the support.

I am at my parents' house and really feeling the strain of being here. I would like to go home.

It has been ok, I'm just wanting my own space.

Today my dad showed some of his anger and it was a bit triggering. It wasn't directed at me, but....

My mom has really felt like she needs to unload a bunch of stuff on me. I'm tired.

My husband says he is fine but I'm having trouble not owning his emotional well-being while here.

Tomorrow we will add my angry and unhappy grandmother to the mix. It's hard to say how it will go.

Last night I had weird dreams that brought up images of people I haven't thought of in a long time.

I'm not sure how to care for myself right now. I feel stuck in old dynamics. I just want to go home.

Armee · December 24, 2021, 06:37:24 PM

You'll get to go home soon. And if it gets to be too much there's no rule saying you can't just leave early if that's what you need to do.

dollyvee · December 25, 2021, 11:49:43 AM

rainydiary · December 25, 2021, 12:28:38 PM

Armee, I appreciate the reminder I have choices.

.....
Dolly, I appreciate the comfort.
........

I am just waking up on this holiday that I struggle with.

I dreamt about people from work last night.

My mom has been asking me a lot of questions about work and what happened. I have been more honest in answering those questions than others. But now I am feeling it as a danger.

I think I am still trying to defend myself in what happened. I still have a lot of unresolved feelings and anger. I also have a lot of self blame and feel like I served myself up on a platter. I feel so ashamed.

And if I had a healthier family, of course I would be able to explain my experience and receive support. That is not the family I have though. I worry my mom will repeat what I've told her to my dad. And her repetition will not be accurate. She will embellish based on her limited understanding. And that could set my dad off.

Hopefully today will go ok. I am declining a ride in the car with my dad to pick up my grandma. That is the only care I can give myself right now.

sanmagic7 · December 25, 2021, 04:03:13 PM

Blueberry · December 25, 2021, 07:12:34 PM

Standing with you rainydiary. Your feelings are valid.

for the self-care - declining a ride.

rainydiary · December 26, 2021, 01:34:55 AM

San, thank you.

.....
Blueberry, I appreciate your support, thank you.

........
I have made it to the last evening with my parents/family. It's been a relatively ok trip. It just feels empty and I feel disregulated.

This last part is hard in a different way. I feel anxiety at leaving. I feel sad at leaving. But I also can't stay.

I feel like I am a disappointment. I think my family is concerned that I quit my job. Their way of expressing concern is to ask invasive questions which I don't fully answer which just keeps the questions coming. But also, I shouldn't feel like I am a disappointment to my family.

I learned I am not the only one that doesn't tell my parents things. My mom made some comment about my brother and how he doesn't tell them things but leaves it up to his wife. I do notice that my brothers' wives communicate a lot more with my parents than my brothers and I do. I don't know how much my sister communicates with anyone.

I am noticing where some of my actions and behaviors come from. My dad didn't relax once while I was here and he and my grandma had a lot of conflict while she was here. My mom talks constantly and doesn't realize how much she contradicts herself as there is a gap between her words and her actions. I also would fall into a dynamic of talking about things or saying things to deflect attention from myself.

My husband and I did have a good conversation this morning. If I communicate my experience to him, he often does try to make adjustments when he is able. This time of year does not bring out the best in either of us and it is easy for me to lose sight of how hard he does try. I've also taken the chance while we are here to share small bursts of my experience. Like he witnessed my dad's anger toward the dogs and I shared that anger used to be used against me and my siblings (and truthfully would be again if the conditions were just right).

The moment of parting will come and go tomorrow and I will be on my way to see my cat.

Larry · December 26, 2021, 12:45:54 PM

hi rainy, i hope you have a warm and sunny day,

Armee · December 26, 2021, 04:37:17 PM

I feel relieved for you that this difficult time of year will be over soon and you can assess where things are and what you want to be different next year and what is satisfying.

rainydiary · December 26, 2021, 10:38:26 PM

Larry, thank you. It is extremely windy where we are but I am home now which is a big relief.
.....
Armee, thank you. I have much to contemplate. I don't think I prepare myself for the holiday season. I just hold my breath and try to not pass out. I am feeling in my body I need a different approach.
........

I am back home. I am glad for my things and for my cat.

I did not sleep well last night. I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't get back to sleep. Lots of feelings and an EF. I kind of went back to sleep but it was restless until my alarm went off to get up.

Leaving wasn't as tough as I thought it would be. A good thing about my family is they are timely travelers and understand that people need to go.

Our trip home was smooth. This side of Christmas I feel so much better. I did reach out to a friend last night and she offered helpful words and love.

As humans I understand the struggle of my parents and of my ancestors. There is so much trauma in my family and it is unacknowledged. Although it hurts I feel fortunate to have the tools and support to find ways to feel better.

dollyvee · December 27, 2021, 02:26:25 AM

Hi rainy,

I hope you manage to stay on your track about your job and starting your business and not be swayed by what your parents say or think. I'm sure you have the resources in you to do it. It's not their life at the end of the day - it's yours. This is what I had to do with my family and I know it isn't easy what you must be going through.

Hope you now get some time to relax.

dolly