dollyvee's recovery journal

[dollyvee]

Thinking about this and if he wanted a piece of jewellery to remember her by, why wouldn't he bring it up with her before she died? Why go through something that she wanted to give to me without saying something to her, or to me? I would have said ok. And then I think what have I done to make my family think that I would be unreasonable about this? That I have to remember that I don't think I have done anything except try to assert boundaries with my family, which is healthy, necessary and good for me.

[Armee]

 

It sounds really confusing and hurtful. Those situations that are all murky can be the hardest mentally to deal with.

[dollyvee]

Thank you Armee 

Looking at this again, I think I was being paranoid. But I guess there is a reason for feeling like that in the first place. I asked him about it and where he found it, just causally and he said it was in her jewellery box and that he'd show me. I guess it was where he said on the counter. I'm just feeling really off being back. There's something going on that's stressing me out about being around other people and feeling hyper protective. I'm also a bit upset with myself for being unreasonable.

I'm having a really hard time today. I'm going through the house, helping clean out my grandmother's things and came across her medical file today. Apparently she had been seeing a psychiatrist (and on valium) for a lot of the 70s/early 80s. There were things about me but also the incident at the babysitter's and how there was suspected SA because "the other boys were concerned that I wanted to 'suck them off' and that she was taking me to an SA specialist and that my dad was a suspect" The next entry makes no mention of this again, but that she should organize her life around me as much as possible as it alleviates her depression. The next entry is just about my gm and how she was trying to go back to her ex husband in anyway she could even though all they did was argue.

I remember seeing this psychologist and the incident with the babysitter. I don't remember any SA though. What was said by the psychologist? Maybe because we didn't go back it wasn't deemed worthy to follow up on? My mom, her bf and I were living with my gf when I was around this age. i remember sleeping in the same bed with them so maybe it's possible that I saw something that happened and it didn't happen to me per se. But would I be this emotional if something didn't happen? I don't know. I keep tearing up. If this happened, then it was someone close and who would that be? I'm going to go back and look at these incidents as a child where something happened (caught playing doctor etc) as I think there were a few. I don't know, I don't really understand it.

[Armee]

Oh Dolly. That is really difficult stuff to have stumbled on. Go slow, OK? And even if was witnessing something in a shared bed, being put in a position to see that is also sexual abuse of a child. Gentle hugs. 

And the paranoia....not paranoia. There's a reason you feel the way you did about what happened with the jewelry. You have a reason to not trust. I remember many such incidents with my mom where I was left feeling confused and crazy, but I wasn't. You aren't.

[dollyvee]

Thanks Armee, it's just crazy to see it written down on the paper 

[rainydiary]

Dolly, I notice you have experienced a lot on this trip beginning at home with your neighbor, exploring anger, the travel to the visit, the family dynamics influenced by the past and present, and all the questions arising.  I am sending you wishes for a gentle time.

[dollyvee]

Thank you Rainy...I appreciate you saying that.

I spoke about this with my aunt yesterday who has always been there for me. I felt crazy talking about it, part of me felt like maybe she downplayed it a bit too.

Reading the psychologist and psychiatrists reports were sort of grounding. That my childhood sort of happened as I remembered it, being with my grand mother a lot, and my mom not being around only it was way more chaotic. Maybe that's why I don't remember much from that time. They also said that my gm was unwilling to tackle her problems, that basically she was just looking for emotional support even though she could think psychologically about things. They also stated financial issues and how much chaos she was in, but never about how much money she spent ie driving a Cadillac during this time, trying to live up to an "image.". Also, her fragile sense of self and fear of being rejected, which does all sound like narcissism to me even though the T's never directly mention it which is interesting. I can see her pouring everything into me because of this depression, as it says on the reports, and that I had to carry that too. I think it's really helpful to see that written down. I'm going to show to my T though and see what she thinks.

My gf got up this morning right when I got up. I wanted to have coffee and relax but we had to open his presents right away. He gave me bracelet, told me the receipt was in there if I wanted to exchange it. I said I didn't and then he made a point of taking out the receipt and telling me how much it cost. The whole thing made me feel really uncomfortable. He kept asking me while I was cooking if I wanted things, to spend time with him but when we finally sat down to dinner he didn't say anything and watched tv. This with other stuff makes me uncomfortable and I even wonder if SA happened could it have him. I thought i remember him/my gm saying that he used to babysit me (or maybe just knew me at that age). I asked him about it today and felt like he tensed up. Another part of me is thinking what am I doing thinking this, I'm thinking very hurtful things about him. I planned on going to a hotel tomorrow and then visiting my aunt which I'm looking forward to. There's a lot to work out. Not the trip back I was expecting but probably good now to know this stuff.

[Larry]

hi dolly,  i hope your day goes well,  i will be thinking about you,   

[Armee]

Hi Dolly. Still sending tons of support. This is a lot to go through.

I think it is very natural to be reevaluating your gf and his reactions to you in light of evidence you were abused at a young age and don't know by who. There are of course other potential explanations for his odd behaviors. But also believing what your gut is telling you right now is super important. Be open to it being wrong but mostly go with what it is telling you and respect your reactions. I've found that I've needed to let my guard down a bit for important things to percolate up. If I'm constantly telling myself I'm wrong or there's no proof etc it is never going to be safe for me to get messages from my gut.

I'm also sorry that you were turned into a project to manage your grandma's depression or narcissism or borderline. That's not fair to a child. It does confirm a lot of the feelings you had and I get what you mean that it is grounding to see it written to see proof. You've been through a lot Dolly. You deserve to react, you deserve to have space and support. Go slow, go gentle. 

[dollyvee]

Thank you Larry 

Thank you Armee I think that's good advice. I'm trying to listen to my body now and what it's saying and what I'm picking up is kind of messed up. I just think about what my uncle would say who's friends with him or his nephew who he talks to all the time.

There's something that's shifted this time. There was no hug, no kiss etc with my gf. The jewellery thing was weird, the having to tell me how much he paid for my xmas present was weird. It's like I was there to serve him. The vibe was weird when sex was mentioned on the tv and if I accidentally touched his hand. Maybe this is how grandfather's/men are about sex with female relatives? I feel like I'm being assertive which is an issue for him, maybe for a lot of people right now. Maybe it's like my gm is gone and he can drop the facade? My body was reacting in a way that I find distressing.

I don't know if the psychologist's reports were maybe my gm and babysitter being dramatic about kids playing doctor since I remember them being pretty religious. There was the phone drunk phone call where my m asked my grandmother how could she let them do that (about a neighbour abusing my m) but she only mentioned it once and seemed indignant (?) or sloughed it off that my m mentioned it. I just feel like a normal reaction would be to talk about it, maybe she did with her, I don't know. Maybe she just didn't know or maybe she did the same with me? In the report it said that she stepped up spectacularly with me, taking me to the child psychologist, maybe this was guilt over my m, or that she did care and it was just a dramatic incident in my childhood?

I also found a diaries and journals. One from when I was around 11/12 which sort of sounded similar to how I behave now. That I am open and sensitive around people until they reject me. The reports also mentioned that my gm had a fear of rejection. Another was a letter that I wrote to my m in my early 20s that was really open and just said I understand if you had it difficult growing up and if a lot of things happened that I didn't even know about and that I'm sorry if I hurt her by leaving etc. The difficult thing that I think I knew was that that letter wouldn't have had any effect on the distance between us, her treatment of me. Maybe it was something that I needed to keep in my heart and keep trying to bridge, or would have I been trying to take on her stuff and receive the same treatment? I also saw some old photos of my mom when she about 4/5 and the look in her eye was quite haunting. She seemed at that age, quite sad and lost and not sure what to do. I don't know how to describe it, it just really affected me.

Hope everyone else has made it through their holiday.

[Armee]

 

I'm sorry you are going through this, and the uncertainty is really really hard to deal with. Just keep working through the feelings that come up, it's all we can do, right?

Your grandfather could just be on edge because what you discovered is uncomfortable and he doesn't know how to react. But it could also mean something else. Just go with how you feel, listen to it and believe it cause that will lead to something else.

I understand what you mean about the photos. I've had the same experience looking even at baby photos of my mom. Especially but not only because in her final years she looked so much like those baby photos, in particular what I interpret as an icy vacant stare. Those photos arrest my heart.

There's so much to process Dolly.

[dollyvee]

Thanks Armee  she just looks so confused and it breaks my heart. No child should ever have to feel like that. I didn't tell my gf what I found in the medical records. After the jewellery thing and the bracelet, I don't think there would be much understanding. My defences are up big time right now.

I remember him being adamant over having to pay $20 for fees when I sent them some money for an estate lawyer, and why should he have to pay it etc etc, when I kind of dismissed it as it's just $20 and that I was going through a difficult time at work. It's $20 I would have paid it no problem. It was just very surprising that that's all that mattered and there was no, "Oh really? What's happening at work right now? Ok get it to me when you can, I just noticed it and it would be nice since we're on a pension etc." I had a chat with their friend/housecleaner and she said that she didn't know if they were going to survive after my gm passed away given how difficult he can be. So, I'm glad I'm not the only one right now. There is just so much drama and stress with my family.

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee,
I just wanted to send you a hug,   
Hope 

[dollyvee]

Thank you Hope 

My mind feels quite paper thin right now. Seeing aunt was not the support I had hoped for. Explaining my gm and gf's behaviour was met with well they're from a different generation where things were tough. Yes but just because peoples' lives were difficult doesn't mean they can treat us any way they want. Talking of sa on the phone and she started talking about my "mom's bf's" (there were two before my sf). There is a competitiveness in my family that is still evident. I let it go and just tried to enjoy the other activities with them. This is not something I can discuss.

I think I'm just blocking stuff out until I can talk with t again in January.

[rainydiary]

Dolly, it sounds like there is a lot to process.  I hope that you are able to find some ease until you are in a space to process.