Rainy Diary 2021

[Armee]

I'm wishing you lots of grace this week  Rainy. 💛

[rainydiary]

Thank you Armee. ❤️
..........

I think I am out of whatever EF was going on this morning.  A lot of feelings and images and thoughts are coming up. 

Right before my husband came home, I sat on my recliner with my cat.  I think it was the first time I just sat since my husband was gone.  I realized how I kept myself going and going and going.  I felt exhausted. 

Today I've been remembering how sick my cat was this summer and how she is doing so well now.  Her illness added a layer of complexity, but I'm glad she is ok now.

When my husband first got home, he asked me a question that I think was meant to be a check in.  It really threw me off because he doesn't usually ask me things like that.  I also don't do great at checking in with him.   It doesn't seem like he wants to talk about his trip and I'm not sure how to create an opening in case there is anything he would want to process. 

I felt awkward for a while when he was first home.  We are heading to the airport very early tomorrow and have a lot planned for our trip. 

I hope I can sleep tonight.  I have trouble sleeping away from home.  In general I'm worried I won't be to take care of myself.  I think it will be important to stop and check in with myself and to let my husband know what I need if I need support. 

[Larry]

i hope you have a safe trip.  please don't forget to take care of yourself

[dollyvee]

Hi rainy,

Distraction is a powerful thing and it's incredible how it sneaks up on us.

Hope you're finding some rest.

dolly

[rainydiary]

Larry, thank you, so far so good.  I think I will need this reminder several times a day.   
.....

Dolly, yes, I'm often surprised at how sneaky distraction becomes.  I am trying be understanding of myself as this is all a process and I won't always get it right.
.........

Well, we made it to our destination. 

I did not sleep well last night.  My sleep was restless for a while and then I woke up.  I went into an EF and felt pressure to get back to sleep as we needed to get up early for our flight.   I finally got back to sleep. 

Our trip has been ok so far.  I think I am overreacting to my husband.  He starts in on scripts that I feel like come from his family.  I said something to him about a worry I had (that we would not be able to find a place that both of us like to live) and his response made me realize I am responding to the past.  He said he would adjust.  I think he is probably afraid too and it comes out differently than my fear.  He has also spent a lot of time with his family and they have probably planted poison seeds. 

We have had a good time so far and have had some good experiences.  Hopefully after some sleep and a new day, we'll keep figuring out what works for us. 

[Not Alone]

Rainy Diary, I hope you sleep soundly tonight and that you and your H find a place that will be a good fit for both of you.

[dollyvee]

Hi rainy,

Yep I'm no stranger to distraction. All of a sudden it's like a fog sets in or a veil is lifted when the EF subsides.

Glad the trip is going well.

dolly

[sanmagic7]

i think the idea that you see the two of you figuring out this stuff together is a really good sign, rainy.  it can be disrupting when our old messages, old experiences come up to bite the plans we're looking forward to in the butt.  hopefully, those will eventually ease themselves out of your relationship.  i hope no poison seeds were planted.  love and a hug filled with poison seed eradicator.

[rainydiary]

Not Alone, thank you for these wishes. ❤️
.....
Dolly, yes, sometimes I feel like my brain is trying to keep twenty steps ahead and trying to keep me safe but really I just feel disoriented. 
.....
San, thank you.  I think we are both navigating unfamiliar space.  I think he has more anxiety and worry than he may realize or acknowledge and it triggers me.  It's also hard when stuff that has nothing to do with him is coming up.  Hanging in there I think.
.........

We woke up very early today due to the different time zone.  It's hard to slow down and wait right now.

I slept better last night even though I woke up very early.  I miss my cat a lot.  Her pet sitter texted me not long ago.  My cat is ok - I just feel bad leaving her. 

My husband is annoying me by talking about his niece so much.  I cannot handle still that my SIL has this child that I have a front row seat in watching being messed up.

I am trying to see that perhaps my husband is wanting to include me in his thoughts and that when he is nervous he talks about his niece (I realize she is technically my niece too but I can't handle that relationship). 

It is just weird and creepy to me the way his family acts and treats this child.  My discomfort primarily comes from concern for this child and feeling powerless to do anything other than emotionally distance myself because the situation is so gross.

We are heading to another area later today.  We will have a lot to think about and decide but I get the sense he is ok with moving here.  It's hard to make decisions as a couple as I would decide so differently if I was on my own.

[sanmagic7]

rainy, i feel for you.  having to watch unhealthy dynamics that include a child is so difficult. and the powerlessness so frustrating.  i think, for your own sake, that distancing yourself from the situation is the best you can do.  it's just not a fun place to be, for sure.

i hope eventually you and your H will be able to talk about all this, that you both will be able to open up to each other.  that would be a good thing, wouldn't it?  love and hugs

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
You are doing a lot at the moment, exploring new areas, I wanted to wish you the best with doing all of that.  I felt intrigued when you said that you would possibly make different choices if you were by yourself, and wondered if you've ever discussed those choices/preferences at all with your husband, as sometimes I think that people can assume the other person might not like a choice, but infact they might consider it - or just have thought the other person might not like it. 

I probably should consider what I've just written more, as it just 'came out' - but I'll leave it there.  I hope you'll disregard it if it's not helpful. 
Hope 

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate your words.  I think I get worked up about the child and the situation most often when I don't want to face my own worries.  I think we are talking things out, but today is feeling a little harder.
.....

Hope, I appreciate what you shared - thank you for the thoughts.  I think it might be good to tell my husband what I would prefer instead of just trying to guess and make a compromise right away.  It's hard for me to do that and to not get stuck in assuming I know what he means or wants.  Part of me has been trying to stay open minded.
.........

Things were going relatively ok and then I snapped.  I'm not exactly sure what happened - my husband said something that I interpreted as carrying out his family dynamics. 

As I start to calm down and process the limited conversation we were having, I think I misunderstood him.   We have walked and walked and walked the past several days and I am tired of the purposeless aiming walking.  My opinion is that his family walks like this to avoid dealing with anything.  I think people need to know their limits and not keep pushing just for stupid reasons.

I am acknowledging that I have not communicated that I need more rest.  We won't be here much longer and we are just trying to experience what we can.  But I hear criticism that is probably coming from the past - my parents used to give me a hard time about the amount of time I prefer to be indoors and pursuing solitary activities. 

I will say there is one area we have visited that I think we both liked.  It is still different than I would like - I want to live in the big city.  I am trying to keep an open mind and consider the options we are exploring.  My city living is something I thought I wanted when I visited this area as a 14 year old.  I got distracted and discouraged from it by my parents. 

Being away from home is difficult for me.  We have the rest of today and Friday and then go home on Saturday.

[rainydiary]

I am feeling a bit better - I think my EF is over.

Something else I noticed today that might have also contributed to me feeling upset earlier: today I did a 5K run with with husband. 

After we finished, we were waiting in line for a post race snack.  There was a family in front of us with some primary school aged children.  The kids had finished the 5K and got medals.  The younger child was so proud and kept looking at their medal.  Their parent kept hugging them and their sibling and telling them they were so proud. 

It was such a sweet moment but also made me sad.  I was glad those young children had such a supportive parent.  A part of me ached as that was not an interaction I had growing up. 

[dollyvee]

Hi rainy,

I'm sorry that you have all this stuff coming up right now and with the inlaws visit just passed. I'm wondering too if you might let him know what's been coming up for you with regards to your own family stuff and how difficult it has been for you? I'm not sure if it's something you've already mentioned or not or if he's been supportive in the past or not.

Sending you good thoughts for the rest of the trip.

dolly

[rainydiary]

Dolly, I appreciate the support and suggestions.  I think I am starting to verbalize more to my husband what I am flashing back to.  I'm not sure if it makes sense to him but I would say he tries to be understanding.  I will keep trying to share as it is still my habit to keep it in.
.........

Tomorrow we will fly home.  Today has been a good day.  I think we have found an area we both are ok with.  It isn't necessarily my vision but I feel good about it.

I am reflecting on how truly difficult this time might be for my husband.  His family is so enmeshed and his decision to move farther away probably widens the vacuum they feel with his distance.  I am under the impression he is enjoying this area we are in and making this transition with full agreement.

This will also be difficult for me.  Finding a job might be trickier than I hoped.  I also need different socialization than my husband does.  A lot of challenges in our current home are that I think that because he learned from an enmeshed family and we became rather codependent, we are rather isolated.  I think we have grown a lot but moving will emphasize where the gaps are.

I am excited to see my cat tomorrow and for us to begin defining our move more.