digging out of the muck

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope,

i did get rest and it felt good.  still felt restless and distressed the rest of the day.  my D and i were able to talk about it, and that helped.  and i did send the email, which also felt good.  thank you for your caring.

blueberry, thank you so for those hugs.  i love them.  and i'm sorry you've experienced something similar.  it really is yuck.   

hey, rainy,  thank you for your kind thoughts.  my D and i did work our way through, and we're solid.  that felt much better.   

larry, telling me you're thinking of me was very helpful.  it felt good.  thank you for that.

snowdrop, i loved the 'pooh'!  it was perfect, and lightened my being.  and thank you for that wonderfully embracing hug.

still distressed today, but it doesn't feel quite as bad as yesterday.  still, i know there are a lot of feelings roiling around inside that i just can't grab onto, and that's disturbing as well.   however, i was able to feel a great deal of anger toward him when this happened, and my D felt my hatred toward him while she was on the phone with him.  she and i talked yesterday about it all, and she's very upset that i hate him.  i told her i've never hated anyone before, am working in therapy not to hate him now, and i think she's grateful for that. 

she said maybe he's a monster and she should have nothing to do with him, but it's something she absolutely cannot abide right now.  she also told me that she only knows him as her dad, not as a friend or a husband - and i added 'or the father of your children'.  she needs both her parents right now - she's so fragile.  i told her, too, that that's why when i first got into therapy that my T told me to tell my D not to mention him, cuz there are too many triggers.  she understands it.  then she said 'but i'm the kid in the middle of this', which leads me to believe there are so many childhood issues she has yet to delve into, but can't take the reality of what she might find.  my heart aches for her.

i've said before, i'm grateful to have a do-over with her, and as independent and strong as she is, she has needed her mom to be with her and to be the kind of mom i wasn't able to be while she was a child.  it hurts to admit and feel it - oooh, i can feel it, and while that's kind of amazing, it also sucks cuz it hurts like *.  she also told me that she can't believe anything from anyone in our family about the past cuz there have been so many lies and so much dis-remembering -- one person remembers it one way, the other remembers it differently, and she doesn't know what to believe.

so, she's chosen to live only in the present with how her father and i treat her now.  she's protecting herself, and i'm ok with that.  it makes it difficult for both of us cuz he is one topic neither wants to hear about.  sometimes, often, i feel like alice in 'through the looking glass'  - running as fast as i can to stay in the same place.  if i want to make any progress, i have to run faster.  it's so stressful, so disturbing.  i'm struggling to hold onto my sanity with anything that has to do with him.

[Snowdrop]

I once read on here that hate is a mixture of anger and disgust. I don't know if thinking of it in these terms is helpful for you or D? It's just a thought that occurred to me.

Love and hugs to you, and more pooh to your ex.

[Armee]

Oh San. 

This just feels so so painful.

You have a right to set boundaries that protect your sanity. I so very much hope you can have this do-over with your daughter in a way that protects your well-being as well as hers. Big long hug. You are so strong. You haven't stopped trying and your heart is full of love.

It is not wrong to hate him. It is ok. I have hated someone. It is a feeling as valid as any other. It's there for a reason. Does he deserve to feel hated? Yeah. Yeah he does. Does your daughter need to hear about how much you hate him? Not if she respects your boundaries around him, meaning he is not a topic of conversation for the two of you.

Ugh. I'm so angry for you. You deserve to be in peace. You shouldn't have to be shackled to the memory of his abuse. 

[sanmagic7]

snowdrop, that definition fits how i feel to a tee.  he is disgusting to me, and i know there is even more anger inside than i'm even aware of.  thank you for that and for that lovely big hug.

armee, it is painful, even tho i don't feel the pain.  i'm afraid that to feel it, i think.  the first time i felt some during therapy, it knocked me out of my socks, so that's scary to feel any more or even the depth of what might be lurking beneath everything else.  thanks so much for the hatred validation.  very appreciated.  and thanks, also, for your anger on my behalf.  the first day this happened, i felt the anger full force at just this one thing.  heaven knows how much more is attached to any of the other stuff.  shackled to the memory of his abuse was a great way to describe this.  thank so much. 

the validation of how i'm feeling, how his behavior looks to others helps me know it's not just me making a mountain out of a molehill.  i'm so grateful. 

[Larry]

 

[Not Alone]

Your feelings about your ex are valid. They come from a place of deep injury.

[rainydiary]

San, your feelings and experience matter very much. 

[Armee]

 

I hope you and your daughter are hanging in there and that there hasn't been too much personal repercussions from the therapy and the ex email the past couple days. I'm good for a hug when you need it.

[sanmagic7]

thank you all for the thoughts and hugs, 

i finally got my  legs back today.  they've been out of commission for 2 days.  this intense emotion - like the fury i felt toward my ex last week - must trigger some kind of disconnect in my brain so nerve impuilses don't reach my legs somehow.  or, another thought, i've had restless legs syndrome for probably 40+ yrs., and that may be part of it.  when i've researched rls, it said that some kind of neural message was getting lost or misfires.  maybe this is an extension of that brought on by the extreme duress my brain is undergoing when i feel so angry  i don't know the real cause - all i know is that it sucks and takes part of my spirit with it.

today is my 19th anniversary w/ my mex. hub.  i didn't really remember, but i had an incredible urge to call him.  turned out that he called me at the exact same time.  he'd gotten very depressed and scared cuz he fell and broke his wrist in march (he's on crutches from childhood polio, so he needs all arm parts to be working) and is now working his physical therapy hard w/ the goal of walking.  however, he's very, very scared of another fall, and didn't know how to deal with it.

after lots of chatting, he brought it up again, and i told him 'you don't have to go back to walking'.  it was like a switch was turned on in his head and he blurted out 'thank you thank you' and a string of affectionate words in spanish.  he told me it was like he was given permission to just be, work toward getting around in a wheelchair instead of all the way up and moving.  honestly, i was taken aback.  it was such an emotional reaction from him, something i'd never really known before.

it showed me, once again, that our goals are our own, our pace is our own, and that sometimes we do need to hear that permission from someone else to simply be who we are.  i've gotten that from the people here, from my T, and from my D, and was able to share that today with a man who was floundering.  i hope everyone finds that permission somewhere from someone to be okay with who you are, how you are.  i was very moved by this experience.

[Armee]

That's such a beautiful experience. Thank you for sharing it San.

That has often been the more powerful moments in recovery when I see and have been given permission to be how I am, not how I should be. It is what ultimately lessens the suffering. It was generous of you to give that to your mex.hub.

Your legs are giving you a powerful but sucky message to back off and rest. I've had similar experiences, not to the full extent of not being able to walk but where there is a clear failure to send messages from my brain to limbs. It has been powerful to see that the trauma and reaction is so strong that parts of the nervous system truly stop functioning.

Rest up physically and mentally.

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate you sharing your story.  I'm glad that you were there for your person and that you are finding your way in your body. 

[sanmagic7]

armee,  thanks for the support.  i have been resting, and it paid off - i was able to go out and walk this morning.  felt so good!!!   

thanks, rainy.  i appreciate you.   

finally finished the proofreading job.  now, i can relax, do some tasks, write some of my own stuff and not have any deadlines.  yay! 

lurking in the near future, tho, is therapy tomorrow.  who knows what might come up?  kind of some fear that i'm going to be taken down again, just now that i'm feeling better.  dang, it's always something.  future thinking  doesn't sit well with me.

[Larry]

i will be thinking about you tomorrow, 

[Armee]

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and hoping for the best therapy session...productive but not overwhelming. Being able to walk after seems an important and reasonable measure. 

[Not Alone]

Very cool that your words were so encouraging and helpful to Mex. H.