digging out of the muck

[owl25]

san, I don't know if IFS is something you have done or want to try. It can be helpful for pain. You can tune in to the pain and get curious and open about it. You can dialog with it and tell it you are there and acknowledge it. Say whatever comes to mind and makes sense to communicate to the pain or body part.  Ask it what it wants to tell you. It may seem strange but it could help. If not, nothing lost. I hope you find relief soon. 

[sanmagic7]

hi, rainy, thanks for your well wishes.  i'm actually feeling a bit better this morning.  yay!   

thanks for your thoughts and support, armee.  i'm a little confused, tho. i didn't have any physically painful experiences in my past - it was all emotional and mental, and i didn't feel pain or hurt at the time.  so, i'm not quite understanding what you wrote about physical flashbacks.  i might be missing something.

owl, actually, yesterday's session, i did picture there being a heavy thick rod of cement in my arm, which was why i found it so difficult to lift it without pain, and my T told me to talk to it, see what it might say.  it was interesting.  it told me it wanted to dissolve, and became a bit more porous, but met with resistance in going any farther.  i then told my T that the resistance may be from fear, because this was from an injury more than 30 years ago, and i didn't know how to live without the pain.  so, yeah, talking to a part of me to see what it says was kind of cool.  thanks for the suggestion.  i'll do it more often, i think.

since i read about my muscles possible being overloaded with lactic acid, i've been drinking more water to help flush it out.  it wasn't until yesterday, 2 days after i started the water regime, that my body finally let go of the poison inside.  and, i woke up at 4 this morning, soaking wet.  so, more water today, and a good feeling that i may actually be flushing some of the crapola with which i've been living so long, right outta me!  my muscles do feel better today, and i'm actually feeling a little cleansed, which is a nice feeling for a change.

last night i wondered if i'm just too absorbed with myself, always thinking of the traumatic events, feeling sad that i had to go through them, disturbed that people found me such a wonderful target for their own BS.  i used to tell people that i wanted the words 'she loved life' on my tombstone.  that was a time before now.  all these setbacks, all the pain and suffering i feel trying to get thru the gunk, making it thru one day in order to get to the next.  i'm not feeling like i love life anymore, only that i tolerate it the best i can.  what a change of perspective.

with all this comes the realization of how much i've gone thru, how much i've endured, how i'm a miracle to still be here.  my glimmer of glad is that i've had a great  life, travel, adventure, lots of new and different people and cultures along the way, accomplishments, dreams come true.  looking at the whole of it, it's really been a great life.  that's the little diamond i can carry with me in my mind that shines a light on all this every so often. 

[Armee]

She loves life.

Even without knowing you, I see this as true, San.

Here's what I see; I see a person fighting to feel as good as possible despite all kinds of set backs. Fighting through very difficult feelings and topics and memories to be able to finally be free enough to savor the present in the last quarter decade. 💛

Ideally we could do this work and still be present and joyful but *! That isn't how PTSD works! It sucks you into the past and won't release until the past has been dealt with. I fight and lament this all the time, San.

I am happy. I have everything in my life exactly exactly as I want it. There is nothing bad in the present. But the past still affects my mood and symptoms against my will. I think it is especially strong with amnesia and alexithymia because our bodies are trying to get this message to us but it's like shouting into the void. It really needs to hurl some heavy stuff at us to get our attention to what needs fixing.

Anyway, my theory is you have to really love life to go through the process of trying to heal and I see no incongruence between your desired epithet and how you are living life.

My mom did not love life. She did not attempt to feel better or to find joy. She sat and stared into space 18 hours a day. She probably wanted to love life but just couldn't try to get better. Too far gone. You are not. You are like a bulldozer trying to get through all this and be done.

San loves life.

Sorry that was long. 

I'm glad the water is working to flush out the poison. You are inspiring me!

What I meant by physical flashback is that I think your pain started when you were pulling up memories of pregnancy and childbirth and that is a uniquely physically demanding state. But it may just be the weight of that concrete rod you've been toting!

[sanmagic7]

no apology needed, armee.  i find what you write to be interesting, and caring, so it never feels like too long to me.  and i appreciate your affirmation and explanation about loving life.  it brought a new perspective for me i hadn't seen before.

thanks for the explanation of the physical flashback.  what you say may be true, but as i remember that pregnancy, there was very little pain involved.  labor was much shorter and milder than pregnancy #1.  however, i can't always connect things accurately, so i don't know.  in my mind, it was my ex's attitude, words, and neglect that caused pain and hurt i couldn't/didn't feel at the time.   i also appreciate you saying the phrase 'against my will'.  that hits the nail on the head as to what i'm going thru.  i now remember telling my mex. hub about how, if i could, i would will all this away.  so, yeah, it hovers over and shadows my life against my will.  you raised my spirits and warmed my heart.  thanks 

pain seems to be lessening today, of which i'm glad.  still didn't feel sturdy enough in my legs to walk, but i got some exercise by doing house chores, so that felt good.

[Larry]

Hi San,  I'm not good at saying helpful things,  just want to send you a little sunshine to brighten your day.   

[Snowdrop]

 

[sanmagic7]

thanks for showing up, larry.  that was helpful all by itself!   

thanks for the hug, snowdrop.  truly appreciated.  back atcha

session went well yesterday.  i told my t i've been starting to see things out of the corner of my eyes, shadow when no one's there, dark spots on th floor that look like bugs when there aren't any.  she told me it was all stress.  working on these pregnancy issues has really kicked my butt all over the place.  we worked mostly on simply calming down my brain, giving it a little peace and therefore a break.  i did feel better afterwards, which was good cuz my d and i had errands to run. 

i'm having a very difficult time getting some sense of normalcy to my sleep since we turned back the clocks.  this entire week, except for one day when i had to load myself up with meds, i've been waking at 4 a.m.  i'm also falling-asleep tired by 11:30 at nite.  and i've been waking up a couple times soaking wet, which is something i haven't experienced very much at all before this.  it makes me feel completely out of whack.  messing with my sleep has never been good for me. 

the time change twice a year has always thrown me for a loop, but it's never been as bad as this.  i hope it works itself out.  if it's also due to stress, it's giving me a much grander idea of how much trauma and toxins i've been holding inside me about that pregnancy and how my ex treated it and me during it.  i had no idea this situation went that deep, made that profound of an impact on me.  if someone wants to forgive that man, go for it.  it's beyond my capabilty.

[Not Alone]

last night i wondered if i'm just too absorbed with myself, always thinking of the traumatic events, feeling sad that i had to go through them, disturbed that people found me such a wonderful target for their own BS.  i used to tell people that i wanted the words 'she loved life' on my tombstone.  that was a time before now.  all these setbacks, all the pain and suffering i feel trying to get thru the gunk, making it thru one day in order to get to the next.  i'm not feeling like i love life anymore, only that i tolerate it the best i can.  what a change of perspective.

with all this comes the realization of how much i've gone thru, how much i've endured, how i'm a miracle to still be here.  my glimmer of glad is that i've had a great  life, travel, adventure, lots of new and different people and cultures along the way, accomplishments, dreams come true.  looking at the whole of it, it's really been a great life.  that's the little diamond i can carry with me in my mind that shines a light on all this every so often.

You absolutely are not too absorbed with yourself. Even in the middle of dealing with traumatic events, you are a very caring person. Even though we've never met in person, and our relationship is via OOTS, I have always felt and valued your care. If you could just dump the trauma and party through life, you would. Unfortunately, trauma doesn't work that way.

You are celebrating and enjoying the good moments/times/events. With all the hurt that you've experienced, that you can do that is close to miraculous and shows even more what a beautiful person you are.

[Snowdrop]

I 100% agree with Not Alone.

[Blueberry]

I 100% agree with Not Alone and Snowdrop!

It's wonderful that you can write about the little diamond you carry about with you that shines a light. So inspirational! 

[sanmagic7]

notalone, i can't tell you how your words affected me - i overflowed with such kindness.  my heart moved in my chest (at least that's how it felt).  it was especially good to hear that if i could stop the trauma from molesting me, i would.  the timing for that was perfect.  a million thanks for that.   

snowdrop, thank you for that big, embracing hug, and for agreeing with what notalone said.  you added another layer of warmth and kindness on me, a caring blanket of warmth.  thank you so. 

blueberry, thank you for even more validation and caring - on top of snowdrop's blanket, you added a down-filled comforter to the mix for me.   

i wrote the word 'molesting' above, and it was the first time that concept occurred to me, that this trauma, these layers and layers of trauma, actually molest me, assault me.  i haven't learned enough martial arts skills yet to ward off the bludgeoning that takes me by surprise.  ninjas of trauma leaping out of the dark sweeping my legs out from under me until i'm on my butt once more.  and then, i have to pick myself up one more time so i can fight another day.

that analogy might sound trite, but it is exhausting.  the wounds i encounter while fighting have been difficult to navigate, work through, and come out the other side with sanity intact.  i told my T on Fri. that i've begun seeing things that aren't there out of the corner of my eyes.  she immediately said 'stress'.  didn't realize how stressful these past nearly 3 weeks have been.  i'm usually very quick to use stress as a reason for something untoward happening to my body/mind, but this time i totally missed it.  i've been hyper-stressed for so long i can't even recognize it anymore.  another thing to put on the list of 'i don't know how to live without it'.

[Armee]

 

[Not Alone]

 

[sanmagic7]

armee and notalone, those hugs are so wonderful.  thank you for your care.

it's been a struggle these past few days.  i made a mistake, talked to a girlfriend who knows my ex about why i've been having a tough time lately.  altho she was very sympathetic and repeatedly told me she believes what i told her about him (we both agreed no one would otherwise believe it) it stirred everything up and the intrusive thoughts keep rearing their heads daily.  i've been having difficulty putting them in their places - coffins, cages, behind bars, etc. - but they've continued to leak out.  so frustrating.  the farther away from that phone call i've been getting, the less problems i'm having, tho, which is good.

one part of that call which is also bothering me is that, as i was talking about what happened, how i felt, how it's a problem even today, she asked 'but, it's so long ago. does it really matter anymore?  that also sent me into a tailspin, and i began obsessing on how i could explain this to her.  i talked to my t about it last week, we agreed that vets and ptsd examples might be a good way to go, or how something horrible can be imprinted on your brain (9-11, Jan. 6, elvis' death, kennedy's death, etc) and take you back to the place and time you were when you heard about it.  we'll see.  has anyone had any luck with this?

otherwise, with all that crapola rearing its ugly head again, i am so stressed out, feeling so fragile.  the slightest word can send me into a tailspin.  a hint that i was doing something that wasn't quite right sent me reeling.  this is about 3 weeks now that i'm having all this difficulty.  glad i'm having therapy today.  my body is reacting to this stress in awful ways.  my hair is falling out, my skin is patchy, my legs are wobbly - i'm walking like my bones and muscles can't coordinate.  i feel so downtrodden. 

[rainydiary]

San, I am thinking of you as you navigate this stress.  I haven't found anything that works to share with others of why something is still bothering me from the past.  I still carry a lot of shame around those types of things and don't tend to discuss with others.  I hope that your therapy visit today is supportive.