Sligeanach's journal

[sligeanach]

Downloaded and subscribed to Andrew Johnson's app. It's amazingly difficult at first to schedule in the short meditation recordings, then gradually easier to choose to do them as scheduled.
Just being in my body, without judgement, here now

[sligeanach]

Rage. Hatred. Venom. Directed at myself, or at my own son
Or this morning, waking up in a diffused generalized rage at everything, every one, every sensation, every thought

This is what it meant by "evil taking root" it's in my cells, my fibers and suffused through every part of me.

Evil. Vicious, hateful, hurtful evil.

Virulent, parasitic, evil

[sligeanach]

Origin and meaning of *med- by Etymonline

It forms all or part of: accommodate; accommodation; commode; commodious; commodity; empty; immoderate; immodest; Medea; medical; medicament; medicaster; medicate; medication; medicine; medico; medico-; meditate; meditation; Medusa; meet (adj.) "proper, fitting;" mete (v.) "to allot;" modal; mode; model; moderate; modern; modest; modicum; modify; modular; modulate; module; modulation; mold (n.1) "hollow shape;" mood (n.2) "grammatical form indicating the function of a verb;" must (v.); premeditate; premeditation; remedial; remediation; remedy.


It is the hypothetical source of/evidence for its existence is provided by: Sanskrit midiur "I judge, estimate;" Avestan vi-mad- "physician;" Greek mēdomai "be mindful of," medesthai "think about," medein "to rule," medon "ruler;" Latin meditari "think or reflect on, consider," modus "measure, manner," modestus "moderate," modernus "modern," mederi "to heal, give medical attention to, cure;" Irish miduir "judge;" Welsh meddwl "mind, thinking;" Gothic miton, Old English metan "to measure out."
https://www.etymonline.com/word/*med-

[sligeanach]

You know, just want to be the same person everywhere. I'm in a helping profession, but then what? I'm used to even I get home? Sounds like I'm faking it then.

[Hope67]

Hi Sligeanach,
I was reading some of your journal, and wanted to say something.  I feel a bit embarrassed that now I'm here intending to write something, I can't think of the right words.  But I wanted to say that I found some things you've said very grounding - particularly when you mention holding the coffee cup. 
Hope 

[sligeanach]

Ah, Hope, you've brought tears to my eyes. This work can feel so lonely, she like there's no end to it.
I was here thinking mindfulness practice doesn't bring the promised peace, just more pain, more awareness of how deeply the wounding runs

I didn't realize how desperately I was longing for anyone to respond to me, and now I'm so grateful that you posted despite the embarrassment.

I can't fully explain it, but you've given me a reason to keep trying

[sligeanach]

I've reset my Plum Village app to play the bell of mindfulness every 19 minutes, this is an improvement

I'm reading Anam Cara, rereading. I wasn't ready for it before. I'm reading it more slowly, for itself

[sligeanach]

In "Peace is Every Breath" , Thich Nhat Hanh writes that mindful breathing is the airplane seatbelt keeping one from being thrown about the cabin when turbulence comes along

That practicing breathing, walking, sitting, and working on mindfulness for a few weeks will free one from the trauma of the past

[Armee]

Wow! Every 19 minutes is a commitment! Let us know how it helps!

If I had to pick one single tool that has been the most helpful in recovery. I'd have to say hands down it is mindfulness.

I often don't comment in your journal...mostly because  your entries feel very personal....from yourself to yourself. So I'm glad that you wrote to Hope that it felt good to have a response and I will try to write in here more, if that feels good to you.

[sligeanach]

It's the "few weeks" part that's significance to me

My reading elsewhere, from several sources, indicates that any behavior consciously chosen, despite the pushback from the self, for the span of an entire moon cycle, becomes part of one self, and no longer must be chosen

[sligeanach]

Hi Armee,

The 19 minutes is less of a commitment than it sounds like, partly because it only seems to function intermittently. I'm not sure if there's too many apps running in the background on my phone, or what. But when it has been chiming, it's been a real help to pause myself and take three breaths

Yes, you are welcome to reply in here. I don't know any other way to write in this than the way I am. It's more about getting it out of my head, where it's so diffused. The act of slowly Swype composing on my phone is like a lens

[sligeanach]

Meta can block Metta

Thinking of what I am doing, I am no longer doing it

Looking at a map is not looking at the path
Looking at the path is not walking the path

[sligeanach]

Even one breath fully taken with the bell is enough

[sligeanach]

Have to be careful about when I read Walker and have to read in little bites

[Armee]

You're not alone with that. It's smart to take pieces as you can. I still haven't read Walker's book. But the same is true for me for Van Der Kolk and Janina Fisher.