Sligeanach's journal

[sligeanach]

More Kaizen, less Kaiju

[Armee]

If it's welcome, a hug...




My lowest moments are these: "but I thought I was better. I thought this wouldn't happen."

[sligeanach]

Thanks armee

[sligeanach]

Ok, so I've read the guidelines again, because it's been so long, and if I'm going to start using this recovery journal forum for journaling some recovery then I'd better know what the guidelines are.

But beyond those very basic and sensible guidelines, I feel like I need some ground rules for myself as well. How can I do a thing if I'm not sure what I'm meant to do?

So. The beginnings of a definition are knowing what a thing is not. For a thing to be defined, it must be finite. It's a basic condition.
So. This is not an epistolary narrative. Neither is it a private diary

[sligeanach]

Unfiltered, pen to paper. The Swype stumbles, slowing me down; I'm editing as I write

[sligeanach]

Which is fine, I think. So long as it doesn't become a hindrance.

And the thing itself has convenience; I can have a tab open on my phone and add as I'm able. Life continues and doesn't allow me to simply keep writing as long as I feel like.

I'll keep posting in pieces, though. Lest I lose the entry because of the browser closing on me, or what have you.

[sligeanach]

Sitting quietly with morning coffee, the heat and solidity of the mug, the weight and ache of my temples, jaw, shoulders, lumbar, calves, feet.i am here but also i am stopping being just here to write that i am here,

[sligeanach]

Sitting here again with my morning quiet coffee and feeling the grief-pain in my heart.

A major task change challenge is knowing and being myself; acknowledging and seeing asking seeking to to what is needed for my human being self needs

But first risking testing that it's safe to be me, to be anyone other than what I perceive the expectations and definitions limits requirements around me are

I've been like a viscous liquid that adjusts into the shape the vessel in which is poured

Years so long, that I'm not knowing really who I am. Sometime when there is no impetus, I just sit and do nothing, empty and waiting

[sligeanach]

Saturday morning, the only one who needs to be up is me, to get ready for work. And it's a mixed up feeling, not making breakfasts for everyone. And first it's nice, but then it's uncomfortable.
Because it's not for them, it's not a giving, it's a taking. "Tell me what to do, tell me who I am"
Even if I resent it, I still need it.

[sligeanach]

Maybe I do need to slow down, pause, ask more questions.
Maybe trying too hard to prove myself,, and rushing around it's never going to get me anywhere.
Maybe I'm too wrapped up in trying to be right and good enough.
Maybe I need to relax, and take time to understand where others are, what their experiences and perceptions are.
Not be in my own head so much

[sligeanach]

Really it's not that I'm trying to be right, so much as I'm trying to not be wrong. I'm trying so hard to not be wrong and do the wrong things that I've done before, that I just blunder into wrong things that are different. Just new different ways to do the wrong thing.
Just too anxious perhaps, too much fear.

[sligeanach]

I've been thinking of Sundays as my recentering days, but I'm not sure that's entirely accurate.
I think lately it's been more of a recovery/recuperation day. It is my one day with no morning alarm, and for now the only day that has no structure.
So I've been collapsing on Sundays, after six days of overindulging in coffee to prop up my... I'm not sure how to put it. My rabbit self.

I keep dancing around the Jekyll and Hyde metaphor, never acknowledging that Jekyll deliberately drank his concoction to escape himself, the constraints of responsibility, to be... What? Free of empathy and conscience. And consequences.
By the time he realizes his antidote is temporary, it's too late. The Hyde poison has built up in his system and he becomes Hyde in his sleep. He loses himself and commits suicide in his increasingly rare lucid moments of being himself.

Do I need a coffee Lent, a fasting? How much is too much?

[sligeanach]

Comorbidities. Hateful word. But appropriate.

Need to practice my "people first" language on myself.

If I'm going to be the same person everywhere

Just trying to think about how much work there is: it's exhausting

What can i do about that, how to see it differently?

[sligeanach]

Read part of "Peace is Every Breath" yesterday. The entire practice is simple, but surprisingly difficult.

[sligeanach]

It really is simple, and effective. Breathing in, breathing out, embracing and observing and inhabiting the sensations, simply letting them be.