[TW] Jazzy's Journal: Omega, Part II

[Jazzy]

I'm looking for something to do that is relaxing.

Everything is so difficult because everything hurts. I can't stand, sit, lay down, or anything related to these without hurting. If I relax and slouch, it hurts less, but does more damage.

It's just so much. I usually play computer games, but even that is no longer relaxing... especially the games I play. They take a lot of mental work, because they have been my only mental stimulation for years. I don't know how to find the right balance for me between simple enough to be relaxing, yet complex enough to keep my thoughts occupied.

Other things which I do less often like reading, watching TV and playing guitar are just too much. I was hoping to play guitar tonight, but I'm overwhelmed and hurting from making dinner. I don't know what to do.

I expect this is how my mother frequently feels when she complains about being in pain. I'm glad I've finally healed enough that my life is as easy as hers.

Yes, I realize that is spiteful and perhaps unfair. I  am allowing myself that small guilty pleasure after putting up with the neglect and abuse my entire life, and continuing to endure the pain it has caused. It is not a reflection on anyone else's situation at all.

[Jazzy]

I need to be more understanding and in tune with how much I am struggling. It doesn't seem like much, because for the first time in 30 years I am out of survival mode.

I have a little electrical massager that I just put on my back. That was hard to do. I grimaced and made more noise sticking these soft pads on to my back then I did when I broke my wrist as a teenager. It's not because of the age difference.

[Armadillo]

I didn't mean this  as me being spooked. More like...slamming the door to get away from that therapist situation. That would be quite an awful situation. No wonder you stayed away.

[Jazzy]

Ah, thank you for clarifying, as well as your empathy and understanding.

[Jazzy]

After my previous post here, I wrote out what I have learned about confidence and competition from the song The Devil Went Down to Georgia. I dictated most of it using my phone, as I couldn't do much physically besides lay down and rest.

While it wasn't relaxing, as speaking this stuff out loud is stressful at this time of night with that particular neighbour so close, it has brought me some peace which was helped by the physical rest.

I posted it on my own website, as it seems a more appropriate place for these types of stories. You are welcome to read it here: http://aidevelopment.org/Trauma/Stories/JohnnyAndTheDevil.html

The specific version of the song I write about is available on YouTube here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X57qD_LTRgY

As always, I appreciate any feedback, as it helps me broaden my understanding and learn new things. I hope you enjoy the story.

[Jazzy]

I did play guitar for a few minutes tonight. I was frustrated trying to find reliable information for a new song, so I stuck with what I knew.

While there are many songs I want to learn to play, Classical Gas by Mason Williams is my focus. It's certainly more peaceful compared to what I often listen to.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mREi_Bb85Sk

[Jazzy]

I have realized so many things in the past 6 hours.... I do my best to write them down, but this is too many to quickly for me to get them all.

I have written repeatedly about how many people have failed to help me, leaving me traumatized for over 30 years. I have always assumed it was because they didn't know, or didn't care. Now I see it differently.

All of these people simply have an attitude of tolerance and acceptance. They lack the conviction, determination, and ability to learn which is required to make big changes. This includes my doctor, my psychiatrist, every therapist I have ever talked to, and so many more people outside of the realm of mental health. I see it daily... people are simply "okay with the way things are."

I am not, and I hope above all else that I never will be. So I'm writing this down, here, and in my reminders. Because writing things down, reviewing them regularly, then taking continuous action, is how you make changes instead of just hoping and wishing.

[Jazzy]

In addition to what I wrote about my supportive friend previously:

Dear Friend,

Your support of me was exactly what was needed. You realized what and when I needed, thanks to your attention to fine details, then acted to provide that, despite everything you were dealing with in your own life. This behaviour is truly inspirational and exemplary. I hope that others see this and improve themselves based on your wonderful example. I certainly have, and continue to do so.

You have empowered me to not only save my life, but lead one that is better than I ever believed possible. Thank you from everything that is within me.

<3 Niko

[Armadillo]

That conviction to do something when things aren't right takes so much strength and there aren't that many people who have it, but I see it in a lot of people on here and it amazes me. Especially because of the perception or trite advice people like us get to "move on" or "put it in the past" etc.

I hope playing guitar becomes less painful over time and you can tolerate longer periods of playing.

I never was very good at guitar and one of the only songs I learned was "black bird" by the Beatles. I enjoyed the feeling of all the gentle slow slides on an acoustic guitar.

[Jazzy]

Yes, indeed. The trauma we endure forces us to build traits like conviction and determination. I wish there was an easier way, but I am extremely pleased with the results.

Thank you! Guitar is getting easier, it just feels harder now because I am noticing and feeling so much more. It will continue to get better as I work to improve the condition of my physical body.

Playing a musical instrument is not easy at all, especially for logical-focused people like you and I, because it is primarily focused in the instinctive and emotional mind.  I have a long ways to go yet, but I am learning many fundamental concepts which give me the potential to become a much better player than I otherwise could, so long as I invest the appropriate amount of time and energy.

The gentle, slow sides of the acoustic guitar are very warm and peaceful; thank you for sharing this song with me. While the acoustic guitar is too painful for me to play right now, I will try it out on electric. I've also made a note of it for the future.

[Jazzy]

As I'm headed out for my second spine-straightening walk of the day, I realized that I went shopping on my walk this morning to pick up a few food items I badly need.

The following points are important:

• Today is Saturday; a weekend.
• I forgot what day it was!
• I went shopping today.
• I had a great social experience with the cashier!

The reason they are important is because that for the past 30 years, I have been hyper-aware of the time and date in order to minimize the amount of contact I have with others. Even seeing other people nearby was difficult and painful for me. Yet now, I just go shopping on a Saturday morning without realize, because my biggest concern was to take care of myself. :thinking:

Whew, I still need to process that! My healing is accelerating far faster than my logical mind can keep up with, which is the primary indication that it is a true, lasting healing. 

As the super positive woman at the thrift stores likes to say: Alright!

[Jazzy]

These are my thoughts from this evening: http://aidevelopment.org/Trauma/Letters/Relaxation.html

While I encourage you to visit my website, as I find it more appropriate for so much text, as well as the colours are much more pleasing to me, this is so important to me that the full text is below for those who are uncomfortable visiting another site.



Healing From Trauma ~ Letters from Niko
Relaxation, Peace, and Tension

Greetings Reader,

This evening I realized that what I needed most was peace. In an effort to find this peace, I meditated for about an hour. While there were a number of distractions it went much better than my meditation sessions ever have before.

After I finished, I stepped in to a warm shower for the physically relaxating sensation of being under the warm running water, safe behind the shower curtain. Feeling safe and relaxed in the shower, my sub-conscious processed how helpful the relaxation is, then turned its attention to sharing that experience through this letter.

The opposite of relaxation is tension, so my mind thought about how tense I have been. While the concept of "a scale of 1-10" is overwhelmingly popular, I find percentages help me to understand the true impact of things better.

Out of respect for the fact that trauma leads to a necessarily over-active instinct to diminish ourselves, let's say that for this exercise, you are 50% as traumatized as I have been. If you feel you are less traumatized than 50% of what I have been, that's okay, but I encourage you to think a little higher. If you feel your trauma is more than 50% of what mine has been; that's great. I encourage you to think a little higher as well.

Relative to how I'm feeling now, my average tension level over the past 30 years has been around one thousand, three hundred and sixty percent higher. Given that we've established your tension levels are be about half of mine, that puts your tension levels at approximately six hundred and eighty percent higher than peacefully relaxed.

I find that my mental capacity starts to diminish at around thirty percent increased tension. By extension, this means you are six hundred and fifty percent too tense to think clearly. This is most certainly hindering your progress on your healing journey.

While being so peaceful is great for me, it is unlikely that your tension levels have dropped 650% in the time it has taken you to read the preceding two paragraphs. It is more likely that your tension levels have risen just by being more aware of them.

The most direct solution to this problem is to simply relax. Simple is not easy though, so I would be shocked if anyone can drop that much tension over night. That is fine, because there is a more obtainable solution. It is much easier to realize without the interference from tension.

Losing that tension is the most wonderful experience of my entire life. I've previously believed pleasurable activities to be the best thing, but there is nothing I would rather do more right now than sit here and write this letter, extremely relaxed and peaceful, my only small concern being how best to share this experience with you.

While it took a lot of small steps, and a few big ones, over the past 5 years for me to get here, the primary thing I did was to respect myself more. I was able to do this because I was empowered by the support of you and others like us.

Now that I am in a much better place, I stand here; not too straight, and not too strongly, but confidently and firmly enough that you are welcome to lean on me just a little bit, if you decide that is helpful for you.

<3 Niko
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[Jazzy]

Another thing I realized this evening is that stress is a threat response, so it stops us from relaxing and finding peace to keep us safe. Therefore one of the fundamental aspects of healing is to find whatever situation feels safe, or at least safer, so we can relax, starting with feeling less stressed. This holds the potential for all of the other things which lead to full healing.

[Jazzy]

It's very difficult not to feel frustrated at how much effort it takes to sit straight. Having numerous twists, turns, and rotations in my spine is hard enough, but the way they counter each other, due to years of neglect make it so much more difficult to figure out.

It would be much simpler if I could simply see this. I can't see my spine though, at least not until I can get a copy of x-rays. For now I have to do my best to feel.

I don't have much experience with this because my mind has been busy trying to survive for my entire life, but at least I'm getting lots of practice now.

On a happier note the vegetable stock I making for my own gravy smells delicious!

[Jazzy]

A thought just occurred to me; maybe people don’t go back and review the entire post time and again in order to comment on as many things as possible.

It’s so much easier just to mention the points that come to mind naturally! Wow!

I’ve always felt so responsible for everything and everyone. It’s a big weight off my shoulders to realize I’m not!