Out of the Storm

Preface: While I consider all journals to come with an assumed trigger warning, I feel this one will be especially triggering to some.

This is a new thread, as I feel the other one is getting too long.

While I appreciate the freedom to make my journal as long as I want, I feel it becomes overwhelming for me and anyone new past a certain point. :)

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My journals, for reference:
Jazzy's Journal (https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=12238)
Jazzy's Journal - Phase 2 (https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13435)
Jazzy's Journal - Round 3 (https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=14182)
Jazzy's Journal: Omega (https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=14344)
Jazzy's Journal: Omega, Part II (https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=14397.0) <-- You are here! :)

Hey, glad you like that keyboard! it's the same as mine. Everyone has different needs. I have difficulty typing on a straight keyboard anymore without hurt, and my bro simply can't get the hang of this one at all. I've had this style for a long time and always request them at work for "ergonomics".

And honestly, it doesn't matter how or how long you've been typing, there will always be mistakes. We're human. I've used a keyboard since computers came about, and I still make mistakes. Especially when tired or upset. I think my brain goes faster than my hands. I just figure that's what backspace, delete, and spellcheck are for. :)

You're absolutely, right. Thank you! :)

I'm glad I chose one that is the same as yours. That tells me I made a good choice! It is much more comfortable, though still foreign.

My brain goes faster than my hands too, it's pretty speedy sometimes. :D

My point is that I'm disappointed in myself for not noticing, never mind learning for so long. I expect better of myself. As your reply indicates, my personal expectations are far too high.

I'm glad that I'm learning now, which this keyboard is showing me. This is all because you mentioned how helpful this type of keyboard is for you. Thank you again for speaking up. It is very helpful! :D

Jazzy, I haven't had a chance to read all of your journals but, I wanted to say that it's inspiring for me to see how much journaling you've done.  I noticed you started your first one almost 2 years ago and it's awesome that you've kept at it all this time.  Great job!

Thank you Zanzoken! :)

It is very encouraging to me that you are inspired by my determination over the years. Thank you so much! :hug:

<3 Jazzy

As I wrote in another post:

"One time I read in the newspaper about a pair of sisters who were kept home from school by their father for religious reasons, like I was. I was triggered and extremely emotional. It took me months to get over it. It is still clear in my mind, so I doubt I am fully over it even now, a number of years later."

In this case, the man tried running away so he wouldn't get in trouble. I understand he does not believe he did anything wrong due to his religious and cultural beliefs, but he did.

I am extremely happy and relieved that he was chased down, across provincial borders, and powerful people took extra time outside of normal hours to ensure that he cannot hurt his daughters, or others, like this any more.

This is a stark contrast to how my mother walks around freely, leading a much easier life than mine, portraying herself as the victim.

I wish I were more upset about this than I currently am. Hopefully I will be in time.

I know this is difficult to read, but I really appreciate you not only reading, but leaving any reply. It will be very helpful for me. Thank you.

[TW: Animal suffering and cruelty]

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Today I am nursing a bird back from the very brink of death. I have read about this experience in a book numerous times, and always liked it. I liked it because of the warmth, love and dedication the words portray. While I do not want any birds to suffer like this, I have wanted the experience of caring for one myself. I'm not sure what kind of bird it is, or what to call it, but it has blue on it's wings, so I am calling it Blueberry. Thank you for the inspiration, Blueberry! :)

What the books don't say, perhaps because the author's don't know, is that this has been the most eye-opening, life changing experience I have ever had. I have learned and realized so many things. Most notably how important touch is.

Blueberry was so weak that it could hardly move. It could not hold its head up at all, or keep its wings straight. However it grasped my finger and held on firmly for a long time. I was not expecting this as a bird is such a different species, and their talons are usually used for destruction, not love. This tells me how powerful loving physical contact is.

This contact is exactly what I needed going through my night terrors as a 3 year old. As Blueberry  lay dying, it only wanted to hold something compassionate. While I was not physically dying, I had the same desperate need. Fulfilling this deeply fundamental, animalistic need is what my mother denied me, among so many other things.

After Blueberry drank a bit of water I spoon-fed it, it had the strength to express how distressed and distraught it was. It flapped around crying and screeching. The power it takes to do that while so close to death is beyond words. I am especially concerned with Blueberry's neck, as it still cannot hold its head up for very long. It didn't take me too long to learn that Blueberry preferred to be held.

It has been unspeakably difficult to care for this bird. I know what to do physically because I have been in the same situation. Primarily, Blueberry is suffering from heat stroke and dehydration, physically speaking. We are in a bad heat wave here. I don't know why Blueberry couldn't find water, especially as I have some out on the front step, but the reason is not important at this time.

Emotionally, it is very different. I have had to fight through all of the triggers and memories, all of the neglect and abuse coming alive again. I have fought so incredibly hard for this bird. I do this because this bird is fighting harder than I, and I know how overwhelming and difficult this struggle is.

Furthermore, I have had to fight through so many toxic beliefs I have held, because they are what I was taught, and I have never questioned them before. My first thought on seeing Blueberry was to kill it, put it out of it's misery, as it is too far gone. I almost did, but I'm relieved I chose better. Other things I have fought through include:

• Birds are dirty
• Birds carry disease
• Birds don't like being touched
• Birds are aggressive
• Birds will attack me

Acting in completely the opposite way of what I was taught, all at the same time, has been challenging beyond expression. This is what my parent's failed to do for me. I suppose they were not hurt badly enough to find the strength required. I'm glad I have.

I'm still very concerned about Blueberry, despite how much better it is doing. Right now it is resting in my lap, which I believe is good. I'm sure it also needs to eat though. I have some tiny bread crumbs in my lap for it, but it doesn't seem interested right now. I don't have any seeds or nuts handy, and I don't want to go to the store. I'm not sure what best to do about this. I appreciate any advice.

I'm painfully aware I have no loving physical contact in my own life still, as this is what I was taught at such a young age. The only touch contact I have is with my cats. This is almost always me petting them, as cat's can't do things like give hugs.

I've taken as many pictures as I could of this entire situation, as I hope to write it in to a short story at some point. Of them all, this one stands out to me the most:


When I first brought Blueberry in to the house, I called my sister to ask what to do, as she has worked in a veterinarian's office before, and has much more empathy and experience with animals than I. She texted me back that she was at work and asked if everything is okay. We sent some text's back and forth, and she sent me some things to follow. While they were good, Blueberry was in such a bad state that I had to go with my own experience. She asked me to fill her in later about Blueberry's progress.

Now that Blueberry is doing better, I texted her and asked her to stop by after work to give me a hug and see Blueberry. I see that she has read the message, but not replied. I feel very hurt by this, but am trying to be understanding.

Jazzy I can hear how painful and triggering and healing this all is. And above all how much you are asking for people to be there with you and for you, and hurting that your sister hasn't responded. Perhaps because she is not seeing how much you need her right now.

I think I agree that letting nature take it's course and not euthanizing the bird is probably the best course though of course none of us can know that until the outcome has made itself apparent..if shock will wear off, or Blueberry needs to pass on. No matter what you've given Blueberry love and care.

Perhaps your sister can bring a bit of bird seed with her as I imagine you aren't quite in the right state to go out and get that right now.

You're right this is the kind of love and care and touch you should have received your whole life. I want to say I'm sorry this has been so triggering for you but also I hear that this has been very healing, too. Clarifying of what life needs and you were deprived of. What you are working toward.

That is an incredible story, Jazzy.  I am so moved by the love and compassion you are giving to Blueberry.  You are showing so much courage.  I hope your sister is able to stop by and be there for you both. :hug:

Thank you Zanzoken!  :hug:

My sister did stay for a couple of hours to be with us.

Sadly, Blueberry the bird is no longer with us. It is challenging to post that, mostly because it feels like I have failed to save her.

However I am glad that she went when she chose to go, surrounded by love and comfort, instead of neglected and alone as she was when I found her.

I have learned many things throughout this experience. Above all, I am happy to have a "proper childhood experience with death", despite no longer being a child physically. I'm confident that this is so far the largest step I have taken in reversing the damage my mother has done to me.

Things went great with my sister, though I cannot go in to detail about that at this time.

I have made myself this note of highest priority, which means I review it daily, if not more often:

Quote from: JazzyNo more weak *. Do your absolute best with no hesitation and no apologies. If it doesn't have desired results, then improve your absolute best for next time.

It is so sad, Jazzy, that Blueberry's time with you was so short. I send you hugs for the sadness. Having gone through the old age passing of several pets now in my life, I can say that there is nothing more important than to know they were not alone and were with someone kind and compassionate when it was time. I cried at how sweet that was for you to do for the bird. And what a step, to realize that you can do that, share your innate kindness with another being, after all that's happened.  That's very inspiring.

Thank you for your hugs and your kind and moving words Sage!  :hug:

I appreciate what you have written very much. It is compassionate, encouraging, and I feel connected with you through your writing.

I am especially touched how you spoke of Blueberry in the manner you spoke of your own pets. Blueberry was only with me for 6 or 7 hours, so even despite all I did for her, I did not really consider her a pet. The thought crossed my mind once, but I pushed it away. I am still learning to trust my instincts. Thank you for confirming them, providing me this chance to improve.

<3 Jazzy

Addendum: I have cried today too, deeper than I ever have before. Interestingly, this is what I expressed I wanted to do when I woke up this morning. The crying was very healing for me. I hope it was good for you too.   :hug:

I shared this with a friend earlier regarding my experiences today. Their reply was brief, yet strong. Based on this, I am sharing it here as well.

Pain: Mother's selfsishness (SIC). She neglected me because she was traumatized by sisters unexpected death. I understand, but she took care of herself and failed me.
Lesson: Cant do everything alone. Trying wounds others.
Uplifting: Im not alone. I have you.

Yesterday morning, I had a particularly interesting experience at the grocery store.

While I was closely examining the herbs to find some good dill to buy, a woman came and stood beside me. I noticed she was about my age, perhaps a bit younger, and very good looking. I was uncomfortable with how close she stood.

Objectively, she was not standing too close, but with the plague, my personal history, and how beautiful and confident she was, I felt uncomfortable. Because I was uncomfortable with her proximity, I paid close attention to her, while trying to focus on the dill, or at least make it look that way.

She was looking at peeled, bagged garlic. Her body language made it absolutely clear she did not want that garlic, yet she stood there for a significant amount of time considering it. After a very long 45 seconds or so, I grabbed the nearest bunch of dill. It was all recently put out, and in very good condition. It didn't really matter which bundle I grabbed. I was taking so much time because of her.

As I stepped back from the herb counter, so did she, though not as drastically. Noticing she was sub-consciously following my lead, I could not leave without saying something. Her body language was screaming for help.

I looked at her, forced myself to smile gently, and did my best to politely yet firmly ask "Would you like a suggestion?" She seemed to not be expecting this, despite all of the physical indications it is what she was looking for. After about 10 seconds, during which I patiently stood waiting for a reply, she guardedly said "sure", though with some confidence.

I said that I would buy the garlic in the jar. It tastes better because though it is already cut, it is stored in water, which helps hold the flavour, which then she (I was careful to say "you" to her) can bring out with some salt.

She was very happy with my advice, notably relaxing and happily explaining that she usually buys the garlic in the jar. She did not say directly, but I understood that she was considering the peeled bagged garlic, because she did not know where to find the jarred garlic.

I agreeably explained that the jarred garlic was likely out on the shelves in another part of the store, as jarred goods are not usually with the fresh produce. I clearly said that I did not know for sure, as I did not work there, but that I was speaking based on my experience.

I hoped she would understand the best option was to ask a store employee for help. However I was already past my limit speaking so confidently to a beautiful young woman, so I smiled and politely turned and walked far away during this pause in the conversation.

Later, when I was re-arranging the weight distribution in my bags outside, I saw her going through the checkout. She was not directly in front of me, but quite close, only off to the side a bit. While I tried not to stare, I was quite interested in her.

I noticed with some disappointment that she had the bagged garlic she did not want. While I was balancing my bags, yet still watching her, she asked the cashier something, then quickly walked off, like she was going to get something she had forgotten.

I am not sure, but I like to think that because I was paying attention to her, along with my previous interaction with her, she asked about the jarred garlic and went to get some. I don't know why, but she clearly finds it very difficult to ask for help. I expect the cashier was warm and friendly, at least enough so that the woman felt confident to leave all of her groceries in the middle of the transaction to go find what she needed.

My take away from this experience is that those subtle cues, like the ones I have mentioned here about her body language, are extremely important. Using these cues as guidance, I have opportunities to gently yet powerfully influence the lives of others, no matter how intimidating it feels.

Right now I am in bad shape in many ways, yet because of the way I acted, I had an influence on this woman who is clearly in much better condition than I am. This point is especially important to me, as it is so easy to feel defeated by my disabilities.

It has not been easy, but recently I have been writing more that I am happy about all my suffering. Happy is not the correct word, but it is the best one I know right now. I believe that I am a much better person, in many ways, now than I ever would have been without such suffering.

While the suffering is not appreciated, I am glad to be turning it in to so much positivity for my life now.

This morning on my spine-straightening walk I wanted to listen to my angry, workout music, so I did. I was hesitant to play such music in public at first, even with earbuds. However I pushed through this to enjoy myself.

Mid way through the second song, I noted that I felt happy. I realized that for the first time I was not listening to the songs because I was angry and hurt, but purely for the powerful encouraging lyrics and energetic music. This is a critical indication of the healing I went through yesterday.

Despite what anyone else may think, those lyrics are extremely powerful, encouraging, and helpful to me. I am confident they helped me find the power to stay alive through my worst. I am glad that I still find them positive to this day.

Jazzy, that was so kind and courageous of you to help at the store! It was brave to make that first step there. Who knows, she might have thought you were a chef! :) I totally understand being shy to the point of finding it hard to ask someone who works in a store for things. (I also agree with you about the jarred garlic. It gets stronger as it sits, too. And my store has the jars in shelves under the bins of bulk nuts, for some reason.) I'd like to think she finally was able to actually ask, as well.

I also resonate about the music. When I was younger (oh, this will date me), I listened to Alannis Morrisette's Jagged Little Pill after a bad breakup. Most people think her stuff back then was mostly depressive as heck, but I took some of the songs as "Bite me, I'm still here, I win" kind of thing and they helped. LOL And if your music helps you, that's all that matters. Good on you for listening to it when you needed it. :)  :hug:

Wow -- that's interesting, Jazzy. It shows, at least to this outsider, that your inner self seems to at least sometimes adjust any expectations (which can be so misleading; but also powerful).

I knew someone else for whom that apparent contradiction worked. She always preferred certain genres of music but every once in a while would insert an artist known for an almost opposite sort of music. At the least, it seemed to give her pause -- like "why do I listen to this" -- to realizing, after the fact, she all of a sudden felt better. What she avoided was making that a habit; if the aftereffect happened, so be it; if not, so be it.

Many habits lead only to addiction to the positive outcome, which might really not always pan out that way. I guess what it might indicate is a dangerous tendency on the one side while also showing that life post-cptsd can have room for these rare moments of non-expectant bliss.

The best part is recognizing your capacity for this in your life; how turning something that originated in 'anger' into a whole other mode of being. Being = Self. Many of us fail to notice that we have this ability, it's so hidden behind all the pressures we've already dealt with.

So hats off to you, Jazzy  :thumbup:

Thank you, Sage!

I wondered if she thought I may be a chef too. It helps that my brother is one, as I have learned many things from him.

I see this as a missed opportunity to ask her if she would like to have more conversations like this in the future. I need to take more affirmative action to build friendships in my life. I am not quite ready yet, but I am getting there one small step at a time.

Thanks for your understanding and for sharing your experience. I appreciate your positivity as well.

I notice that you are concerned about your age, or as you put it "dating yourself". I understand this, but I am not concerned about your age. There is much more to you, and all of us, than how many years we have been alive.

Music is very powerful, and as you note, it means different things to different people. I like the positivity you found in the "depressing" songs and how they help you. That is very impressive to me.

You're right! What matters is that the music helps me. Thank you for your positive affirmations and confirmation. :hug:

<3 Jazzy

Thank you for your post, Woodsgnome

I appreciate the insight and wisdom in your words. Being able to adjust internally is very important to me. You are correct. It is powerful and power is dangerous.

I find it very interesting what you have  written about this person. While I need to think on it further, I like their actions very much.

This is a complex topic! I appreciate the point the points you have made; I believe there are more as well.

To me it is about learning. Being able to change my reactions is based on me updating my reality, or my Self, to accurately reflect changes and other things that have brought a newness in to my life.

This newness, especially as an adult, it's very encouraging to me. I hope to see more of it in my life, as well as the lives of others.

Thank you for your encouragement and respect. These things are crucially important to me, So I appreciate them very much. :thumbup:

<3 Jazzy

I'm hurting so much today. I'm also not hurting that much. It is just under the point where it becomes too much, so my bodies switches to survival mode in order to tolerate it better.

No doubt the emotions of yesterday are taking their toll. I also neglected myself somewhat in caring for Blueberry.

I've put a lot of effort into taking care of myself today, mostly by relaxing physically, which is challenging mentally.

I'm looking forward to being in less pain tomorrow, or at least being in pain less often.

I realize I have not been posting in your journal lately. I’m sorry if this makes you feel hurt or neglected, this is not my intention.

I’ve been focused on myself, in an effort to heal and grow. I still have many things to work through. I am doing my best to work through them at a manageable pace which does not hurt me too much.

It will be some time before I am able to post in journals again, as I did before. In the meantime, I encourage you to send me a message if there is anything you would like to talk about, no matter how trivial it may seem.

If you’re uncomfortable with a private message, you may write to me here in my journal.

Thank you for your understanding, consideration, and support. :hug:

<3 Jazzy

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Addendum for clarity: This is an open letter to anyone who feels it applies to them. :)

Hey I'm sorry you are hurting today and taking time to recover from yesterday seems very wise. It was an emotionally intense experience.

I thought it was very kind of you to offer help to the young woman in the store. I think you probably kept it at a safe and respectful level for her! Good job! I would have been on guard with a stranger having opinions about my garlic purchase! The fact she responded kindly probably means you managed just the right level of engagement. Keep it up!

Thank you for your warm and encouraging words, Armadillo  :)

I appreciate your confident encouragement and positive feedback! "Just the right level" is high praise.  :thumbup:

[TW: Animal Abuse]

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I am exceedingly happy and proud to share that Tiger drank some silk (almond milk) today!

This is a huge accomplishment for her, because she was violently and physically abused by her previous owner for eating "human food". Given how rarely she eats human food with me, I expect she was starved, then abused just for trying to survive.

Setting aside my thoughts and feelings of her past abuse, I am glad she is in a much better place now, because I have healed enough to show her more love. :)

 :applause: :cheer: Awww, good for sweet Tiger! And so pretty!

I'm not going to say much because people who abuse animals anger me beyond belief. But I am so glad she's with someone who can care for her properly. She may, like us, have long-term issues, but this is a good step.

Side note: My fur kids get the juice from cans of tuna on their birthdays and Christmas. Silly, I know, but they like it and it's not too often to be unhealthy. Here, my Pumpkin is a tortoiseshell too! (partially, and part Siamese)

Thank you for your positive reply on this especially difficult topic, Sage.

I know what you mean about the anger. I am being very careful to keep myself numb and disconnected from it. As much willpower as I have, it is not enough to control myself if I were to embrace my anger on this topic. It would be very bad for me, as well as the previous owner, if I am not careful to stay away from those feelings.

Thanks for sharing about the Tuna. I have a couple of cans in the drawer for them for special occasions too. I'm not sure what or how much is best to feed them. I think it's not unhealthy, but lacking essential nutrients for them... so it's best as a treat, not a meal. I only know what I read though, at least about cats and tuna. :)

I'll try giving them some tuna water/juice more often. They certain deserve healthy-ish treats in their life!

Pumpkin sounds beautiful! I wish I could see her one day. I'm glad you have her in your life. :hug:

This evening I am feeling very peaceful. The only slight annoyance is that I wish I were asleep, but I understand that I am not tired.

While lying in bed, a thought crossed my mind. It was a fear that when I come under more pressure from outside forces (like an employer), life may go back to the way it was, specifically with me living in survival mode, as I have done constantly since I was 3 years old.

This fear, based on doubt, was gentle, yet in that gentleness it was extremely powerful. Doubt seems to be the opposite of hope. Both start out as gentle as a whisper, yet become as powerful as a hurricane.

After recognizing, accepting, then pondering this doubt I realized that no one can take this peace from me, unless I let them. I have found this peace inside of me, with the help of others, despite the raging storm of my life.

I chuckled at that doubt, then I chuckled more heartily. It is very natural to feel that doubt, and I understand why I did. However it is no longer helpful to me, as I now have the tools I need to keep my mindset healthy, without fear.

While doubt can be an important warning, it is also weakness. As I wrote the other day, no more weak *! :)

I appreciate you sharing this experience and hope you were able to get some sleep.

Thank you Rainydiary, I have slept well, thanks to the peace I felt.  :hug:

Quote from: Jazzy on July 08, 2021, 05:30:53 AM
Doubt seems to be the opposite of hope. Both start out as gentle as a whisper, yet become as powerful as a hurricane.

I'm glad you found some peace, that's to be treasured!  And that? Beautiful imagery.

Thank you Sage, your words mean so much to me; especially the compliment.  :hug:

I'm listening to my workout music as I get ready for bed. This music helps me process my anger, which right now I am feel over the way RainyDiary is being treated. Recently I have been appreciating certain songs more, and others less.

This song in particular stands out to me because it is so powerful and encouraging, not angry. It is called Hollow Ground.

While words alone do not do justice to the emotional impact this song has, they are certainly powerful in their own right:


From nothing we have risen and from nothing we still rise

Oooh!
Take your life back
(Fight, fight)
Will you fight to take your life back?

Ask yourself what's truly yours in life
Are you in control or someone's slave?
All that you cherish, all that you love
In the blink of an eye can be taken from you
In moments of tragedy we bond
And in weakness clarity thrives
I've been blessed with the inspiration
To take what little I have and always strive

Sometimes surviving is all that you can do
I never claimed to have all the answers or the solutions
My satisfaction is knowing, that my desires will not be killed
With a readiness to defend what is mine and never compromise

The foundation of our lives
Built on hollow ground
We must unlearn the prejudice
We must unlearn the lies


I've seen the calloused
I know the jaded
I've been disheartened and I've lost control
But I never crumbled in the face of adversity
And I always force myself to believe

The foundation of our lives
Built on hollow ground
We must unlearn the prejudice
We must unlearn the lies

Are you willing to fight?
Are you willing?

Oooh!
Take your life back
(Fight, fight)
Will you fight to take your life back?

I'm realizing that while strength is certainly powerful, strength and power are different things. This distinction is very important.

My recent experience with Blueberry the bird has taught me that there is far more power in supporting others than there is in "trying to fix" them.  While I have always known this logically, and been told many different ways about how important things like self agency and making choices for one's self are, I did not truly understand this until I had that experience.

Now I choose to support others, not because I "know" that it's better, but because I have experience seeing how powerful that course of action is.

My experience with Blueberry the bird is still on my mind, because it was so incredibly healing and enlightening for me. I tore down so many barriers and overcame my worst trauma.

As Blueberry lived longer for some peace and love due to my support, I healed and learned because of the support of a friend. Despite everything this person is going through, and how challenging it was for them, they made me a priority. This is the power of support I spoke of in my last message.

Furthermore, the first therapist I ever went to see told me that I likely had PTSD, and that I needed a new mother, but she couldn't get me one. This left me feeling hopeless; it's no wonder I didn't go back very often and it took another 15 years for me to accept the trauma in my life.

Through supporting me in my childhood experience (as an adult), this friend acted as the mother figure I so desperately needed. I am extremely impressed that they succeeded where a professional therapist failed. I am, and will forever be, exceedingly grateful for their support at such a difficult time. It has empowered me to make tremendous improvement in my life, which I have done, and continue to do.

I would love to name this person in order to give them proper credit, but I feel they are not comfortable with that. I hope in the future that they will tell me they are happy to receive the credit they deserve, at which point I will update this post. <3

I wrote in another thread that I thought I was "good enough" in the past. I've improved a lot, yet I still struggle every single day just to hold my back and head straight, never mind do house work or "a job". It's amazing just how strongly we have been taught we don't matter. I'd like to be more angry about this, but it's not safe yet. :)

That's really sweet, Jazzy. I'm so happy you received the support you needed from a friend and from your sis.

I'm interested in your experience with the therapist and why you ran away so quickly at her comment. To me, she was saying she can't chang the cards you were dealt but she can help you build up from here to have the life you deserve, minus the part of having a decent mom.

I'll also just tentatively put out there and I'm curious other's thoughts too...but I have had to give my therapist plenty of benefit of the doubt multiple times. No one is perfect especially dealing with clients with trauma. I've had to be hurt, confused, and had a couple situations massively mishandled. In the end I trusted him and the help he was giving to work through those issues. But it isn't smooth sailing 100% of the time. I think what helped me was he had helped my son first and I saw what he did and how changed my son was. So I had a huge cushion of trust for issues that came up when we started working together. You gotta feel comfortable with a therapist, Jazzy, but also cut them a little trust to come back and talk through things with them when something hurts or angers you. You can always quit if it is a bad match, but give it a little room to grow.  :hug:

I want to see you get the help you deserve.

Wow!  :aaauuugh:

I just threw 3 perfectly good coffee mugs in the garbage, because they trigger me so badly. I'm not used to being triggered because I kept my emotions dead for so long. I don't fully understand why all of those mugs bother me, but I feel strongly about them. I would prefer someone else have them, so I would have given them away under normal circumstances. However in this case they need to be out of my house, right now!

Yay for emotional thawing! :D

 :cheer: for emotional thawing and  :cheer: for taking care of yourself by throwing the mugs away.

Thank you Armadillo.

Your words are wise and I appreciate that you have my best interest in mind, however I am still very resistant to therapy because I have been hurt so badly by it.

The reason I reacted so strongly in this particular situation is because this therapist was also my mother's therapist at the time.... conflict of interest much? That is not acceptable to me.

Furthermore she operated out of my mother's church, which is the last place I'd willingly go. I wrote, though only a little bit, about the religious abuse I've been through in my story. With all of that attached, there is no way this therapist could help me, even if she was perfect.

Me, as an anti-theist, going to my mother's church for therapy should have been a clear sign of how severely I have been wounded, and how much damage it had, and still was, causing me, yet no one noticed. Either that or no one cared enough to do anything about it. That hurts, but not enough.

Thank you for expressing your interest in this Armadillo, as it has given me the opportunity to reflect and write about it.

Yay, thank you Notalone!

I really like your cheering!  :cheer:

Well that's relevant info!!!!  :spooked:

Yeah...that would be quite bad.

Yeah!

Sorry you feel spooked, that was not my intention. This is certainly not an easy topic though, which is why I left out a lot of details from my original post. I hope you don't infer anything in my writing about your own situation, as they are not the same. :)

Wow!  :aaauuugh:

I just removed the song "Sick Like Me" from my favourites list, as I don't really connect with it anymore. What's going on today?! It's great, but it's a lot.  ???

I'm looking for something to do that is relaxing.

Everything is so difficult because everything hurts. I can't stand, sit, lay down, or anything related to these without hurting. If I relax and slouch, it hurts less, but does more damage.

It's just so much. I usually play computer games, but even that is no longer relaxing... especially the games I play. They take a lot of mental work, because they have been my only mental stimulation for years. I don't know how to find the right balance for me between simple enough to be relaxing, yet complex enough to keep my thoughts occupied.

Other things which I do less often like reading, watching TV and playing guitar are just too much. I was hoping to play guitar tonight, but I'm overwhelmed and hurting from making dinner. I don't know what to do.

I expect this is how my mother frequently feels when she complains about being in pain. I'm glad I've finally healed enough that my life is as easy as hers.

Yes, I realize that is spiteful and perhaps unfair. I  am allowing myself that small guilty pleasure after putting up with the neglect and abuse my entire life, and continuing to endure the pain it has caused. It is not a reflection on anyone else's situation at all.

I need to be more understanding and in tune with how much I am struggling. It doesn't seem like much, because for the first time in 30 years I am out of survival mode.

I have a little electrical massager that I just put on my back. That was hard to do. I grimaced and made more noise sticking these soft pads on to my back then I did when I broke my wrist as a teenager. It's not because of the age difference.

I didn't mean this  :spooked: as me being spooked. More like...slamming the door to get away from that therapist situation. That would be quite an awful situation. No wonder you stayed away.

Ah, thank you for clarifying, as well as your empathy and understanding. :)

After my previous post here, I wrote out what I have learned about confidence and competition from the song The Devil Went Down to Georgia. I dictated most of it using my phone, as I couldn't do much physically besides lay down and rest.

While it wasn't relaxing, as speaking this stuff out loud is stressful at this time of night with that particular neighbour so close, it has brought me some peace which was helped by the physical rest.

I posted it on my own website, as it seems a more appropriate place for these types of stories. You are welcome to read it here: http://aidevelopment.org/Trauma/Stories/JohnnyAndTheDevil.html

The specific version of the song I write about is available on YouTube here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X57qD_LTRgY

As always, I appreciate any feedback, as it helps me broaden my understanding and learn new things. I hope you enjoy the story. :)

I did play guitar for a few minutes tonight. I was frustrated trying to find reliable information for a new song, so I stuck with what I knew.

While there are many songs I want to learn to play, Classical Gas by Mason Williams is my focus. It's certainly more peaceful compared to what I often listen to.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mREi_Bb85Sk

I have realized so many things in the past 6 hours.... I do my best to write them down, but this is too many to quickly for me to get them all.

I have written repeatedly about how many people have failed to help me, leaving me traumatized for over 30 years. I have always assumed it was because they didn't know, or didn't care. Now I see it differently.

All of these people simply have an attitude of tolerance and acceptance. They lack the conviction, determination, and ability to learn which is required to make big changes. This includes my doctor, my psychiatrist, every therapist I have ever talked to, and so many more people outside of the realm of mental health. I see it daily... people are simply "okay with the way things are."

I am not, and I hope above all else that I never will be. So I'm writing this down, here, and in my reminders. Because writing things down, reviewing them regularly, then taking continuous action, is how you make changes instead of just hoping and wishing.

In addition to what I wrote about my supportive friend previously:

Dear Friend,

Your support of me was exactly what was needed. You realized what and when I needed, thanks to your attention to fine details, then acted to provide that, despite everything you were dealing with in your own life. This behaviour is truly inspirational and exemplary. I hope that others see this and improve themselves based on your wonderful example. I certainly have, and continue to do so.

You have empowered me to not only save my life, but lead one that is better than I ever believed possible. Thank you from everything that is within me.

<3 Niko

That conviction to do something when things aren't right takes so much strength and there aren't that many people who have it, but I see it in a lot of people on here and it amazes me. Especially because of the perception or trite advice people like us get to "move on" or "put it in the past" etc.

I hope playing guitar becomes less painful over time and you can tolerate longer periods of playing.

I never was very good at guitar and one of the only songs I learned was "black bird" by the Beatles. I enjoyed the feeling of all the gentle slow slides on an acoustic guitar.

Yes, indeed. The trauma we endure forces us to build traits like conviction and determination. I wish there was an easier way, but I am extremely pleased with the results.

Thank you! :) Guitar is getting easier, it just feels harder now because I am noticing and feeling so much more. It will continue to get better as I work to improve the condition of my physical body.

Playing a musical instrument is not easy at all, especially for logical-focused people like you and I, because it is primarily focused in the instinctive and emotional mind.  I have a long ways to go yet, but I am learning many fundamental concepts which give me the potential to become a much better player than I otherwise could, so long as I invest the appropriate amount of time and energy.

The gentle, slow sides of the acoustic guitar are very warm and peaceful; thank you for sharing this song with me. While the acoustic guitar is too painful for me to play right now, I will try it out on electric. I've also made a note of it for the future. :)

As I'm headed out for my second spine-straightening walk of the day, I realized that I went shopping on my walk this morning to pick up a few food items I badly need.

The following points are important:

• Today is Saturday; a weekend.
• I forgot what day it was!
• I went shopping today.
• I had a great social experience with the cashier!

The reason they are important is because that for the past 30 years, I have been hyper-aware of the time and date in order to minimize the amount of contact I have with others. Even seeing other people nearby was difficult and painful for me. Yet now, I just go shopping on a Saturday morning without realize, because my biggest concern was to take care of myself. :thinking:

Whew, I still need to process that! My healing is accelerating far faster than my logical mind can keep up with, which is the primary indication that it is a true, lasting healing.  :cheer:

As the super positive woman at the thrift stores likes to say: Alright! :D

These are my thoughts from this evening: http://aidevelopment.org/Trauma/Letters/Relaxation.html

While I encourage you to visit my website, as I find it more appropriate for so much text, as well as the colours are much more pleasing to me, this is so important to me that the full text is below for those who are uncomfortable visiting another site.

---

Healing From Trauma ~ Letters from Niko
Relaxation, Peace, and Tension

Greetings Reader,

This evening I realized that what I needed most was peace. In an effort to find this peace, I meditated for about an hour. While there were a number of distractions it went much better than my meditation sessions ever have before.

After I finished, I stepped in to a warm shower for the physically relaxating sensation of being under the warm running water, safe behind the shower curtain. Feeling safe and relaxed in the shower, my sub-conscious processed how helpful the relaxation is, then turned its attention to sharing that experience through this letter.

The opposite of relaxation is tension, so my mind thought about how tense I have been. While the concept of "a scale of 1-10" is overwhelmingly popular, I find percentages help me to understand the true impact of things better.

Out of respect for the fact that trauma leads to a necessarily over-active instinct to diminish ourselves, let's say that for this exercise, you are 50% as traumatized as I have been. If you feel you are less traumatized than 50% of what I have been, that's okay, but I encourage you to think a little higher. If you feel your trauma is more than 50% of what mine has been; that's great. I encourage you to think a little higher as well.

Relative to how I'm feeling now, my average tension level over the past 30 years has been around one thousand, three hundred and sixty percent higher. Given that we've established your tension levels are be about half of mine, that puts your tension levels at approximately six hundred and eighty percent higher than peacefully relaxed.

I find that my mental capacity starts to diminish at around thirty percent increased tension. By extension, this means you are six hundred and fifty percent too tense to think clearly. This is most certainly hindering your progress on your healing journey.

While being so peaceful is great for me, it is unlikely that your tension levels have dropped 650% in the time it has taken you to read the preceding two paragraphs. It is more likely that your tension levels have risen just by being more aware of them.

The most direct solution to this problem is to simply relax. Simple is not easy though, so I would be shocked if anyone can drop that much tension over night. That is fine, because there is a more obtainable solution. It is much easier to realize without the interference from tension.

Losing that tension is the most wonderful experience of my entire life. I've previously believed pleasurable activities to be the best thing, but there is nothing I would rather do more right now than sit here and write this letter, extremely relaxed and peaceful, my only small concern being how best to share this experience with you.

While it took a lot of small steps, and a few big ones, over the past 5 years for me to get here, the primary thing I did was to respect myself more. I was able to do this because I was empowered by the support of you and others like us.

Now that I am in a much better place, I stand here; not too straight, and not too strongly, but confidently and firmly enough that you are welcome to lean on me just a little bit, if you decide that is helpful for you.

<3 Niko
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Another thing I realized this evening is that stress is a threat response, so it stops us from relaxing and finding peace to keep us safe. Therefore one of the fundamental aspects of healing is to find whatever situation feels safe, or at least safer, so we can relax, starting with feeling less stressed. This holds the potential for all of the other things which lead to full healing.

It's very difficult not to feel frustrated at how much effort it takes to sit straight. Having numerous twists, turns, and rotations in my spine is hard enough, but the way they counter each other, due to years of neglect make it so much more difficult to figure out.

It would be much simpler if I could simply see this. I can't see my spine though, at least not until I can get a copy of x-rays. For now I have to do my best to feel.

I don't have much experience with this because my mind has been busy trying to survive for my entire life, but at least I'm getting lots of practice now.

On a happier note the vegetable stock I making for my own gravy smells delicious!

A thought just occurred to me; maybe people don’t go back and review the entire post time and again in order to comment on as many things as possible.

It’s so much easier just to mention the points that come to mind naturally! Wow!

I’ve always felt so responsible for everything and everyone. It’s a big weight off my shoulders to realize I’m not!

Contrast is powerful. The opposites bring out the extremities of each other.  Like music (audible) or photography (visual), mental and physical contrast is important too. The efforts of healing are much more powerful when contrast with rest. Stress and trauma are so difficult to heal from because they deny us the ability to rest, therefore denying us the power of contrast.

I just ordered myself a beginner's keyboard so I can spend more time learning to play music that isn't so damaging to me. The guitar just is not good for the condition my spine is in.

This was very difficult for me to do, for many reasons. One of the things I thought about is how when money is tight, choices must be made, so some things must be left out, at least temporarily. Surely food is more important than music, though I'm honestly not sure by how much.

Then I realized my parents didn't even feed me properly. What was going on with the money?! I know things were tough for my parents, but I have a very nice little apartment which I found for significantly below average cost, I feed my cats well, and myself decently too, much better than I was taught. I always have something to drink besides water.

Okay, I just figured it out, and now I'm really pissed off. Their * church took our money! I have always known this at some level, but never fully realized it until just now. Billions of people see religion as a positive role model for their lives, yet they left me neglected, abused, and traumatized, and I'm not the only one they do this to.

No wonder why I've always hated religion so much. That hatred only grows the more I learn.

I've been thinking about feedback for this CPTSD survey, and better ways to give it. I have noted a few things which I will share, though I'm not sure exactly how yet.

Recently I have been writing a lot about how embracing painful truth leads to powerful healing. While it seems easy to point out painful truths to others, it is not. However it is easier than wrestling with my own painful truths.

Ignoring my own painful truths is hypocritical and weak, so I do not do that. I say this to show that I understand how difficult it is, because I live through it too.

Here is my painful truth for tonight:

We are the best of the best. We are going through a * that most people cannot even fathom. We are the best because those of us who are not the best, do not remain living under these conditions.

I've always been in awe of the fact that Beethoven wrote his best work while being deaf. I had such a tremendous amount of respect for the intellectual capacity (logic mind) it takes to understand music so completely to be able to write such beautiful pieces without ever hearing them.

For the first time in my life, I am now realizing that it was not due to his (logical) intellectual capacity, though I have no doubt this helped, as music is much more emotional and instinctive than it is logical. The power it takes to overcome such a traumatic disability, then to proceed to produce your best creations while disabled, is nothing short of legendary.

This realization has increased the amount of respect I have for him, which I didn't even realize was possible. Ignorance truly does hold us back from so much.

I find it extremely interesting how accepting and embracing my painful truth led me to a place of peace where I realized something new, which increased my respect for another.

It is nice to see such positive results in my own life. :)

New note of the highest importance:

Others and things in the world move for you out of respect for your struggles. Do not move for them unless they deserves more respect than you.

I just sent the following picture to my family on snapchat.

One of the stickers was of a cat sitting on a laptop keyboard, with my bitmoji being frustrated at this. These are my realizations:

- I used to be in that situation daily
- It hasn't happened in a while
- The reason is because I've shown my cats much more love recently
- My cats were physically standing/laying in my way in their desperate attempt to express their need for more love.
- This neglect is so common that there is a sticker for it on a widely used social media platform

That last point leaves me absolutely heartbroken.  :'(

Wow, I was so upset I didn't even post the picture. It is truly amazing to me how something like this overwhelms me, yet it is so calm and gentle compared to the feelings I've felt during my entire life, up until now. No wonder people can't understand what we go through.

(https://i.postimg.cc/jwPthBVk/IMG-0444.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/jwPthBVk)

I had a very interesting social experience today. He woman came and knocked on my door, and explained she used to live in this house 20 years ago. She said she wanted to move back in and ask for contact details for the landlord, as well as a few other questions.

It went very well! She was very respectful, which is the most important thing to me.

At one point you asked me if I was working. It was difficult, but I told her that I was currently on disability due to the fact that I'm recovering from posttraumatic stress disorder. Well she didn't say anything, her body language clearly expressed she felt sympathy and compassion.

I told her that I am a computer science engineer and then I am working to get back to it when I am able. I think this is crucial to end on a hopeful note.

I greatly appreciate her expression of sympathy even though it was not verbal. It was a very long way to emboldening me to speak the truth about my disability.

My subconscious mind is processing things as I lay here petting my cat.

Is it going over a potential scenario where I lose my friend who acted as The mother figure I needed to help me process my trauma of my sisters death.

Internally I said: it's OK, (I cannot continue dictating at this point as my voice is broken.)  I'm a fully grown man now, emotionally too.

:'(  :thumbup: :thumbup:

The only thing I have ever heard my father properly sing in his beautiful baritone voice is the first line of the song "I Can See Clearly Now".

While I have always liked this song, it has an entirely different impact on my life now that I am no longer living in trauma.

:'( ;D  :cheer:  :thumbup:

You've had a lot of insight lately!!! I love that you are getting in touch with your emotions. That's what you asked about on that post awhile back on a separate thread, and you're doing it!

I Can See Clearly Now is a beautiful song with a beautiful message. I'm relieved it doesn't seem to have been tainted too much by the connection with your father. It was the song my husband and I chose for our wedding day. It has lots of good feelings for me. 

Wow! I’m overwhelmed that you chose that song for your wedding day!

Your husband must be a wonderful man to have such a powerfully positive impact on your life.

I’m so glad you two have found each other!  :hug:

Note: when I say that I’m overwhelmed, it is now only for a brief moment instead of forever. This is how it is supposed to be.

I just realized the reason that my cat Lily eats so much human food is that I am happiest when eating, no doubt due to a lifetime of malnourishment and starvation.

When I’m happiest, I am more able to show love. It deeply saddens me that I have unintentionally neglected my cats so much.

However things are much better from now on!

UPDATE: Evidently "malnourishment" is not a word according to some dictionaries including my browser and dictation software. I feel both sad and offended by this.

I can see why that would feel offensive, and invalidating for malnourishment to not be in the dictionaries your software is using. Ouch. But you and your body know it exists. Your cat looked very well loved in the pictures you've shared. It looks like you take good care of them.   :hug:

New note of the highest importance:

Spend more time and effort learning to rest properly. Slouching and leaning are damaging; they only feel good because they provide immediately relief to an overwhelming problem. Stop what you're doing then go lay down until you feel stronger.

New note of the highest importance:

Be extremely careful doing anything because it is easier 

A very important thing happened yesterday:

My sister asked me for a small amount of help with an IT related business matter. Because it is so important to me to see her succeed, I immediately stopped what I was doing, then spent over an hour writing out a report filled with recommendations for her review.

When I asked her where she would like me to send the report, she expressed that she was not pleased with what I had done.

In the past I would have felt absolutely devastated by this response. However yesterday, it took me under 60 seconds to realize that I had failed to supply the support she requested. After coming to this realization, I shared with her only the information she requested, and then thanked her for restating what she wanted.

While this was challenging to do, it was not all that difficult and it certainly was not devastating. This tells me that I am no longer living in trauma! :cheer:

Right now, I'm panicking.... well, I was a moment ago.

Normally, I would be completely devastated, shut down, and dissociated right now. I'm not entirely sure how I feel, but relief is certainly one of those feelings.

I am also glad I am sitting here thinking about how I feel, that is inexplicably helpful.

While I have an idea about the details which lead to this situation, I do not know what they are. Even if I did know what they are, I cannot change them. I am doing my best to appreciate these facts. This is also very helpful.

I'm going to lie down and relax now, as my mind works best when it is peaceful. I have already made a number of realizations while typing out this post. :thumbup:

I now realize what I have done wrong; good job mind! 15 minutes of peace is so powerful! :)

What I've done is likely what led to the situation where I felt panic. Even if not, I will not make the same mistake again. :thumbup:

I'm very sorry that I have hurt someone whom I care deeply for.   :hug:

I saw someone write this: " don't think we've forgotten the things you wrote in the past. "

It worked on me for about three minutes. Then I realized how many horrible things I've written in the past, because I was so busy just trying to survive.

The only thing I care less about then with that person has written in the past, is empty passive desperate attempts to drag down someone with a different point of view.

New note of the highest importance:

Seeing others heal is extremely powerful. Sharing our stories is sharing our power.

I just found an old worksheet which I was given in therapy which is absolutely triggering me!

No wonder therapy was not helpful to me when it was triggering me all the time! This is very frustrating, but I feel worse for those who are still trying to work through this type of therapy.

The title which is printed in big capital bolded letters reads DISTRESS TOLERANCE HANDOUT 8

I am absolutely heartbroken at the person who made this * (I dictated sheet but * works too) has absolutely no concept how distressing their own work is. This is a complete failure if I have ever seen one.

I just got back from the mall and why was that exhausting!

I carried 10 pounds of groceries for over 3 1/2 km. Numbers don’t sound too impressive, the effort it took due to the condition of my spine was enormous, so now I am resting before I put them away.

I found the chiropractor report from five years ago, while it doesn’t even cover my primary concern, it’s based on my lower back is rotated 12°And my upper back by 22°

I expect it’s gotten worse over the past five years, there is so much work ahead of me, but I can do it!

I just had a very important realization after reviewing the hierarchy of needs.

I caught myself thinking that I need to put the groceries away and eat and then play a game.

What I am doing is eat then put the groceries away and then play a game!

On my way to the mall I had an encounter during which I felt extremely threatened. I stopped, slowly turned, and felt the full force of my anger arise within me. I firmly stood my ground without budging, and stated this threat directly in the eye as it passed not two inches from my face.

My anger is more powerful than ever because now it is fully within my control. In under five minutes It had diminished greatly, as soon as the threat was out of eyesight. This feels instinctively right. I am so very pleased!

I just realized that trying to relax while traumatized is a very damaging approach to healing. I am extremely sorry to everyone whom I have encouraged to relax and find peace.

I feel very afraid. This peace is so nice and living is so much effort. I have no experience with putting forth the effort to stay alive while not being traumatized, never mind while being peaceful. Peace is dangerous right now.

Thankfully I have good survival music to empower me!

Hope you're OK and the music is helping.

Hope you're doing ok, Jazzy!  Music can be very helpful and it seems like something you enjoy. I'm sorry the groceries were an effort, but I am impressed with your effort! I have great difficulty getting a big thing of cat litter from the car to the door, so even 1 km sounds like a triumph to me. It can be hard to relax when traumatized, but I still welcome your wishes of relaxation and peace because I know you only mean kindness when you say it. :) Sometimes, I have to literally tell myself out loud things like "I deserve to rest" and "It is ok to not be 'on' all the time." It's almost like I have to hear that permission to do it. But, whatever works!

Thank you so much for your concern and reaching out Snowdrop and Sage!

I spent the day in the psych ward because I was on my death bed last night. I have learned a number of important things today, but these stand out the most to me.

- Living in trauma is so different than living without trauma that I very nearly died trying to figure out that difference.
- Precious few people who have never lived with trauma can even begin to comprehend the difference.

Despite me clearly and repeatedly stating my issues and history, the nurse in the psych ward neglected me, specifically by not checking how much food I ate. She refused to give me water. When I told another nurse my blood sugar rose drastically after eating an orange, she dismissed it, then talked about diabetes, then dismissed it again, then offered me the water which I had asked for hours before. How many times do I need to say "I've been malnourished and dehydrated my entire life so I'm learning to eat and use the toilet" before they get it?

If I was still living in trauma, that would have resulted in dissociation and more, as it is yet another of the same trauma, on top of being locked in a room against my will etc.

Even the psychiatrist did not fully believe me, despite me clearly demonstrating that I understood the intent behind her every question, as well as me pointing out that I was repeating the same answers to her. These people have not yet learned to simply listen, trust, and notice fine details.

Along with everything else, I'm trying to figure out how to improve the situation so more people will understand what living with trauma is like. I think I need to become more "successful" according to what society believes before they will believe me. It's sad that they trust a success story more than experience, or simply listening to themselves.

Mostly I need to learn to relax though... it is so interesting to me that my life is so easy now, yet that nearly killed me. It's because I am in a different reality now, so I don't have any experience knowing how much is too much. I'm no longer in the 120-150% effort (survival mode), but in the 1-100% bracket with the rest of the world.

It's confusing to have my "scale" shifted so abruptly and no one here to help me transition. It's similar to talking about a trillionth of a second... sure we can speak about it intellectually, but we are completely incapable of truly understanding time on that scale. Shifting in to that scale is beyond words, the best I can say again is it nearly killed me. I'm sure I will continue to live through it though. I came extremely close to death, again, but as always, I made it through!

I see now why people say stress is so bad. Trauma is not stress though. CPTSD is not a stress disorder at all. I've never been stressed in my life, because I've been to busy being traumatized and surviving. Trauma is living in survival mode (120-150% effort bracket) for years, 30 out of 34 in my case. Today I was very stressed, my heart rate was 110+ BPM... but I was not traumatized; I was clear minded.

Surely if I had more money I'd have some sort of a parental figure (therapist, big brother, visiting nurse etc.) to help me learn to eat and use the toilet, but I'm poor, so I learn alone... as it always has been. Perhaps this is best in my specific case, given how I educated myself since grade 1. While information given to me in order for me to choose best would be extremely helpful, I will continue to make the absolute best out of what little I have.

Despite me living in a different reality now, I have cheated death yet again, and fully expect I will continue to grow.

It's so challenging and dangerous because of how little impact emotions have compared to being traumatized.

I'd say I'm about 80% stressed right now. All of my life I've been "120+% stressed" so 80% feels like nothing, better than I've ever been.

But I just realized that 80% is dangerous, borderline crisis for non traumatized people... so I'm going to go lie down and listen to calm music. I think that's what non-traumatized people do to relax?

I'm scared to go to sleep because I came so close to dying in my sleep last. That's a perfectly normal emotion to have though, and normal emotions are new and confusing 

It's very interesting to me that the message I sent here last night as I was almost dying is a clear cry for help before it is too late, yet no one talked about calling the hospital or anything. This is confirmation of my own experience that trauma is living in survival mode.

Almost dying mentally is the normal for trauma, so I didn't expect any such message here. I hope my words help people understand though. The psychiatrist didn't get it because she wasn't open to learning from my experiences.  I hope one day more will be. It's really not complicated.

So I just realized that they've been telling me for years what non traumatized people do. All of these trigger worksheets and stuff have the answers on them. That's great! I also realized that normal people take sedatives as their doctor prescribed so I did that too. Ugh I hate the word normal but that's how i feel.

The most confusing thing is that I don't know what to think about. There's no unsolvable crisis any more. Reviewing my every word and every action of the people at the hospital 🏥 isn't necessary.

I can ... learn a new skill or something? hahah what?

This is so bizarre to actually relax my mind. I wonder if my apparent ASD will diminish? I do really like it; though not at the price of living in trauma 

I guess we'll find out we go. That's exciting which is also a new emotion.

I need a guide or something. Going to school with other children would have been so helpful.

I just had a huge realization.

The world runs on money and I've been unable to get money because I've been traumatized and just trying to survive for one more day my entire life.

But now that the trauma is broken, I can make money, so I can get all these things I need like a dietician and a visiting nurse etc. It will just take me a bit of time to "catch up" on 30 years of missing life.

But I've waited 30 years, so I can wait a few more no problem. :)

Ah, I literally felt my stress drop significantly after writing this out.

Again, I only now feel stress because I've broken my trauma... in my experience, talking about stress to traumatized people is not a very good approach at all. That's the approach of non-traumatized people trying to make sense of our reality which they can't understand.

Another huge realization from my visit to the psych ward:

With trauma, we live in fear constantly. Most people without trauma live in fear too though, especially of us. I think that's the biggest underlying problem why this "help" is actually damaging; everyone is afraid of each other.

My first thought is obviously the trained professionals should overcome their fear and do a better job. I believe they should, but I also believe they won't. They're soft and weak, so they can't handle the reality we live in.

It shouldn't be us to have to do it, but somebody has to break the mutual fear holding us apart. Despite what society says with their degrees, certifications, titles etc. we are the experts, because we have years of the most extreme experience.

Hi Jazzy,
I'm just popping into your journal and wanted to send you a warm hug of support and care, if that's ok.   :hug: 
Hope  :)

Thank you so much, Hope! I always love your hugs and seeing your name and picture pop up.  :hug:

I am so happy to get this form from the emergency doctor at the hospital. It is the most validating thing I have. A doctor listened and believed me enough that he said I have shown a lack of competence to care for myself that will likely result in serious physical impairment to me.

This is my painful truth, and I love it! My life is in danger because my mother failed so thoroughly! This has been true for 30 years, it's just taken this long for a doctor to realize. I've made it 30 years so far, things are only going to get easier from here, so long as the doctors don't over-react. So far, so good!  :thumbup:


I'm so happy about this I'm framing it! :D  :cheer:

A little while ago I noticed that song I really like "Ride of the Valkyries" is part of an opera. I've always been attracted to operas with their powerful music and sometimes words. They have a big impact on me.

So I was listening to it today, and I had a scenario running through my imagination of the neighbour coming by and asking why I liked opera, so I began to explain to her what I liked about it and how she could enjoy it like I do.

Then I realized that I now understood why I liked opera, because my mind is clear from the trauma. I sat down and cried tears of relief and joy for a few minutes.

I won't go in to the exact details here, but my mind is exceptional. I was talking to my sister yesterday after I got out of the hospital about noticing details, and gave her some examples of the things I noticed and what those details told me. I realized this is what Sherlock Holmes does, which I quite like. Then I realized Sherlock Holmes is autistic.

I really don't like the word autistic, so I don't know much about it, as I've avoided the topic. However I greatly appreciate my mind, and now that it is beginning to work after being shut down for 30 years, the results are amazing.

My biggest fear about autism, is that every example of it I've seen is limited to one part of the brain, usually the logical part. These are the Sherlock Holmes, the Rainmans, the card counters etc.

However with how quickly and fully I understood that opera it is clear to me that it is more than just my logical mind which is exceptional.

Given all of this, I think that trauma over-activates the part of our mind which best helps us to survive. For some that's logical so we can figure out what to do next, for some that's emotional so we can know which things in our life help us feel better, surely for some it is instinctive... they just know how to do everything right, physically.

Breaking trauma brings the one part of the mind down to a normal level, which lets the other parts of the mind activate. Based on this, I suspect that Sherlock Holmes et al. are living in trauma, using their survival instincts for the world, instead of for getting their mind back to a healthier state.

Surely there are developmental consideration as well, so not every autistic person is traumatized. What I write here is about me and the others like me. :)

It has only been a few hours since I've accepted that my mind is different than most others. Already that acceptance has made a tremendous impact on my life. Everything is so much better now; I feel much more peace, which isn't scary.

I have always intellectually known how important it is to "be yourself", but I only truly know now through experience. :)

This point: "be yourself" is perhaps the most important thing I have come to realize thus far.

I've been really curious about how my mind works now. Most people consider an IQ test to be a good measurement of intelligence, so I was curious what my score would be now that I am free from trauma.

For reference, my highest score in the past is 147. At the time this was labelled "borderline genius"; I see it is now rated "highly gifted".

I took a free test online using my phone, hardly ideal circumstances, but good enough for me to answer all of the questions with time to spare. I'm confident they are all correct.

Unfortunately the results are not free, but this is what they told me for free (SIC):

"Impressive! You completed the test in: 17m 34s Your strongest category is Spatial Orientationwhere you scored higher than 99% of people tested.

They did not give me my IQ rating number, but here are my thoughts on the matter:

- I do not believe Spatial Orientation is my strongest category.
- I am in the top 1% in the category I do not consider my strongest
- 1% of people are in the highest score bracket, labelled "highly gifted"

Based on everything I've written here, I expect my IQ score is at least 160 which is the highest on the score chart.

While there is so much more to how the brain works than what the IQ test measures, I wonder how I can use my "intelligence" to improve my life.

P.S. It is interesting to note that it is so challenging for me to write about this topic that I am slightly trembling. I need to go relax now, because stress is just as deadly now as it is when I was traumatized, yet I cannot so easily access the strength to fight it now.

Jazzy. I have only just caught up with your journal, after several days away. You seem to be dealing with a lot of new things. I hope you are doing OK.

Take care, Libby.

Hi Libby!  :heythere:

Welcome back! Thank you for catching up, there's so much written here! Thanks for your well wishes too. Things are challenging, but I'm making a lot of progress, so I'm great! :)

How are you dong?

<3 Niko

Yeah, IQ is a weird thing...or rather, IQ test results. I mean, there are always so many factors in play, and it's always a snapshot.

I remember getting tested back when I was in therapy. My results were much lower than expected (for them) because I was so depressed at the time that I just couldn't concentrate, and didn't really care to do my best anyhow. Also, I was completely zonked on meds. It also turns out that I have dyscalculia, so when it comes to all the numbers and the spacial orientation, I score relatively low compared to the rest.
Anyway, I remember reading the results and there being something about "there's a risk in overestimating her because her verbal intelligence is higher than the other categories" (in other words, she sounds smarter than she is). And I was like....guys, seriously?

Makes you wonder..

Alter-eg0,

I'm so sorry you were mistreated like this!  :hug:

Those tests are not intended for people who are depressed, and certainly not for people who are drugged out of their mind. So any results from administering the test incorrectly, the way they did, are faulty. Especially this part "here's a risk in overestimating her because her verbal intelligence is higher than the other categories".

What it should say is "test results show verbal intelligence to be the strongest scored category at this point". Again, the test never should have been administered under those conditions.

I hope you realize how damaging those lies are, and that you are so much more than what they can see in you.  :)

Only when administered correctly the IQ test I took most recently is very good, yet also very lacking in breadth. They only measure the logical intellect of the mind. I would love to take a musical based IQ test, among others. I don't know if they exist, but I know musical/artistic intelligence is as real as logical intelligence.

New note of the highest import:

#1 way to reduce stress is to accept whatever my mind is doing is best. Understanding why it is doing what it is doing is the key to that acceptance.

Quote from: Jazzy on July 15, 2021, 09:04:07 PM
New note of the highest import:

#1 way to reduce stress is to accept whatever my mind is doing is best. Understanding why it is doing what it is doing is the key to that acceptance.

Agreed. Resistance and beating yourself up certainly won't reduce that stress :)

This falls in line with the thought that every behaviour (conscious or unconcious) has a positive intention as it's core. Meaning: it serves a purpose. That doesn't always mean that the execution or the result is positive, it simply means that it serves to meet a need. Which is at it's core, a positive intention.
For me personally, it helps to ask (that part of) myself: what are you trying to achieve or avoid, by doing this? That helps figure out the underlying need or intention.
It helps you treat yourself with more compassion, and when you find out the need/intention behind the behaviour, it's easier to work on developing an alternative.

As for the IQ tests, I wonder if they have those kinds of tests for "other kinds of intelligence". I'd be interested for sure! I mean, there are so many more intelligences than just the logical kind.

Thanks for your message here, Alter-eg0. It has been very nice to read. :)

Thanks for everything you have included to expand upon my note about reducing stress. I'm surprised and a bit disappointed that this simple fact has never been taught to me, despite the multitudes of handouts, worksheets, and other information I have read from the professionals.

I'm glad that not only have I realized it, but you agree and have shared more details as well as more helpful methods. Thank you so much! :)


I'm extremely interested in these other kinds of mind tests. IQ is not the most accurate title for them, but I have not yet figured out what is. I really want to write one of my own, though I'm sure it will be more widely accepted while named a "quiz".

I also will ask my psychiatrist for official ones and see what he can provide me. The IQ test I took was the only thing in my life which has properly challenged my intellectual capacity, and I want more of that! :D