More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework

[Blueberry]

It is good to take a holiday from the normal run-of-the-mill even if it's just for 5 minutes (barefoot in grass) but so long as I do it really concentrating on it and absorbing with all my senses, it'll do a lot of good. I think in the next couple of days I'll write them out on paper and stick them up in my apartment to remind myself without having to get on the computer.

So I've written this list on a piece of paper that was stuck to the kitchen wall already anyway. I've also done the cleaning I mentioned (office windows, office toilet) and added some more: apartment toilet and pet living quarters.

I also turned down a translation request this morning after a bit of weighing up pros and cons, and I finally got a prescription I needed from the doc who is filling in for my gp who is sick. It's an extra hurdle having to go to a new doc's office.

So, as I remind myself while writing all this out - these are all concrete, beneficial steps. 

[sanmagic7]

i agree.   

[Blueberry]

It seems that pointing out to myself that I'd taken concrete beneficial steps helped me go on and take more of them 

Then this evening it was good when I realised that I had no energy left and also felt no desire to go and assert any boundaries that I decided to neither cycle back up to the farm nor go into the garden or take my pets with me (in case I had to deal with any neighbours). I just lay back on my sofa with a cool drink and dozed off eventually. It's a shame not to always feel able to go down into the garden, otoh it's good when I can feel that asserting any boundary is just going to be too much. I'm getting better at feeling what I need.

[Blueberry]

I'm working on a contract with a friend. She's helping me financially with a set amount of money per month which would be best paid into my business for various reasons. In return she can use my services for a set number of hours per month. It has not been totally easy for me. She presented me with a contract and went through it with me explaining why particular points are in the contract. I don't agree with all of them or with the wording. (Take some deep breaths). So this means I'm asserting myself towards a long-term friend where I have never done that before, not really. We have discussed things before e.g. I house-sat for her and her H a good number of years ago and we had an unwritten contract (I'd say) about who was responsible for what payments etc. But up until now I've viewed myself as a bit less than, a bit inferior. (Yawn). Now I'm having to, well, assert myself and say "But I do think this point from me belongs in the contract!" Thinking to myself - "hey, I'm the one who does freelance work after all, I know this."

The point is, my T said a couple of years ago that a friendship only really holds if both sides feel free to discuss an issue within the friendship. Writing a contract involving work and regular payments is an issue which has to be addressed properly before it is signed. So I'm presently working myself out of this felt position of "I'm inferior" in order to address the issues and assert myself. Not easy. But a necessary step forwards.

[sanmagic7]

best to you with all this, blueberry.  asserting oneself in a friendship can definitely be scary.  i give you a lot of credit for continuing to move forward as you are doing.  well done!    love and hugs to you, my dear

[Blueberry]

Thank you san It did me good to write it out yesterday though by the time I got back upstairs I'd forgotten all about doing any EFT on it. So now when I think about it, feeling a little ashamed that it's not easy for me. However, onwards!

I thought about going up to the farm yesterday evening as well as this early morning, but instead I've been getting on with my own things. Especially: I'm continuing to tidy and clean in my apartment. Bit by bit. To other people my apartment would still look chaotic, untidy and needing a mop and a dust, but I see a difference. Also this morning while it was still coolish I took the Little Furries down into the garden into the shade to do some lawn-mowing in their haphazard way while I did some weeding, de-mossing, cutting back of plants that are growing a bit out of control, small-stone-removal etc. Especially cutting back and doing some re-organising / planning in garden is not easy for me a lot of the time so it's worth a little celebration when I can actually get on with it.

I note that my business neighbour is being passive-aggressive in certain ways e.g. bringing communal garbage containers back into the building and putting them in front of my basement storage door instead of in their proper place (sigh, ho-hum) but otoh he's obviously making an effort to flush the business toilet properly, so I have almost automatically started making an effort in various ways that are good for me / my garden, but might also please him. If he notices, which I'm not sure he will.

Despite him having made weird remarks months ago about me using my shower daytime above his business, I took a shower a couple of hours ago to cool off a bit. Often difficult for me anyway, even worse after this neighbour alluded to it. So 

[sanmagic7]

honestly, blueberry, i am seeing so much progress, so much more positivity in you, so much less ICr stuff as you go about your day-to-day life, it's incredible.  you are doing such a fantastic job of moving forward, doing what's best for you, taking care of and accepting yourself as you are.  kudos to you!

love and hugs, my dear

[Blueberry]

Thank you san for noticing and then telling me! In fact just a few minutes ago before I came on I was thinking how low-profile my ICr is getting. I had a memory of B1 saying things my ICr would, but I don't even think it's my ICr. It really is just a memory, where I think to myself or better at B1 "your observations are irrelevant to my life"

So, I've just come in from the garden where I tried out insect observation, species determination and counting. Counting the easiest part. My resurfacing memories of FOO were this idea that you have to know your birds, insects, trees etc from day one more or less. I was mocked by my parents especially F for not knowing that kind of thing when I was a teen (despite growing up in 2 different countries with partially way different flora and fauna). But more importantly, it's never too late to learn. Anybody can join in the count I'm doing whatever your knowledge level because you learn by observing. I'll do better tomorrow, even better in 3 days and much better next year if I want to participate. Even if I don't, I'll have learned more about insects, their habitats and habits. In my memories, B1 was just mocking in general, maybe copying F despite not knowing any more than I do or did about these kinds of subjects.

A few years ago I went on a few guided wild plant / wild flower tours and then with books, Internet and general observation - including drawing leaves or stems to check when I got back home since I have neither smartphone nor camera - I learned names and characteristics of quite a lot of local wild plants. I know that I can do much the same with beetles, bees, wasps, moths, spiders, ants, dragon flies etc. I feel good about it! There are none of those voices in my head belittling my effort, telling me I'll never manage etc etc. 

[Blueberry]

I did some more of insect observation and count. Usually I end up searching for what exactly certain insects could be in books as well as Internet when I've come in from the field. The most useful thing I think is just getting to know insects and insect classification better, as well as simply observing. On Friday and Saturday I did it up at the farm where there were many more insects and a greater variety than in a town garden. Today I was scouting out some other possible places around town when I was on my way back home with my bike. But it's an overcast day and now it's even raining, so not the best day for it.

Also I'm waiting for some business person to phone me back so that I can get on with a different aspect of my advertising. Getting back in contact with him was another step, so I am getting on with a few things.

Today I did run an errand to a town about 40 minutes away by bike (uphill...) but honestly what I most feel like doing today is: nothing. I think to myself: "This is your holidays!! You're meant to be stocking up on fun things, activities that involve all the senses", some of those holiday activities I wrote further up the thread. Oh, there's that 'should' again ('meant to' is pretty much the same as 'should'). Actually I'm just happy that I have no appointments today (other than waiting for phone call) and don't have to shower or wash my hair    Others might say "Gross" and look for an emoticon of somebody holding their nose.

A while ago I asked my T the following somewhat rhetorical question: "How can taking a shower be so exhausting?!?" To which he replied that the activity itself is not what is exhausting but "all what I take with me" - emotions, buried memories etc. That makes sense of course but somehow I needed my T to say that for me to grasp it.

[marta1234]

Blueberry, lots of for taking the time to contact the business person so it helps your work and allowing yourself to do what you want which is nothing  .That's a huge step for your own good and you should be proud

P.S. Sadly, you're not alone with the "shower is exhausting" part. I've had this my entire life, taking a shower when I'm feeling low (which is most of the time these days) is too much for me and I really struggle with that. Thank you for sharing what your T said. I never knew that there was more to this.

[Blueberry]

marta, thanks for responding and applauding. That always helps me remember to keep recognising my own steps forward and also to even just notice them and not discount them.

I'm sorry you have such a struggle with showering too.       There have been posts on that by others on here before too, possibly in response to my own. We're not alone.
________________________

In the night I was reading back in my previous Journal and came up with this from about a year ago:

Two concrete beneficial steps today already, and one connected realisation.

In the retreat I came up with quite a few new Attitude Changes. One is "I'm not your therapist." This was directed internally at a previous friend of mine to whom I've written quite a few Recovery Letters. ...

But there's more to this. To my new business neighbour: "I'm not your business start-up assistant, I'm not your language assistant, who'll phone the utilities company for you." The concrete beneficial step was: I refused to help even a step further. I realised NO! My own goal rn is more important to me. (I wanted to listen to one of the trauma healing podcasts before they were taken down about half an hour ago.) I didn't have time to help him. I did of course briefly - showed him where his gas meter is - but then "No! I'm not phoning them for you." He thanks me for the help, when I give it, and goes on about my 'good heart'. Today I said I need my good helping heart chiefly for myself, and closed the door. 

Before I went on the retreat, I asked him for an easy, return favour for what I'd just done for him: Could he empty my letter box while I was away if it was overflowing. He gave a long explanation of why he didn't want to do that kind of thing (I didn't understand it, but his knowledge of the local language is shaky). I did understand that he didn't want to do it, but I pushed for him to do it this once, and he did.

Realisation: "I don't need your overflowing thanks and huge expressions of gratitude (maybe even 'charming' words, manipulating words, like 'good heart'?), I need reciprocal help." A brief thank-you is certainly good - I give that too. But it's not enough for the energy I expend helping others. So that's a person where I'll certainly need to watch and maintain the boundary, or pull it tighter.

It helps me read that now to remember how much I did help him and how much he continued to want, more and more, and how little even then he wanted to give back. No wonder I blew a fuse when he was sitting uninvited in my part of the garden dribbling cigarette ash on my mini strawberries and scuffing up my newly-sown grass a week or so ago. I've been watching and maintaining and pulling the boundary tighter out of necessity all year. As a response to my blowing a fuse, he yelled a few days later that neighbours are meant to be nice and helpful to each other and that he had expected me to offer him the opportunity to sit in my part of the garden. He expected that?!?  Having read what I quoted above from previous Journal, I'm even more flabbergasted. It is good to re-read and it's even good for me that I write such long, detailed posts because it's not till I go back to them that I remember how demanding or boundary-crushing or whatever that person's behaviour was and that my subsequent and continuing behaviour is a necessary self-protective result.

It's apt I noticed all that in the night too for a different reason. I have finally applied to the Town for permission to put up a sign outside my office advertising my services (I think it's called a 'sandwich board' in English, which more or less everybody else in the pedestrian precinct has, including my business neighbour. I note that he obviously managed to apply for it himself last year. He obviously managed the email (tho' he told me at the beginning of the Corona lock-down he didn't have email nor did his friends, just What'sApp) or managed a business letter on paper (which would involve printing it out somewhere other than my printer) and he managed it all without any of my language help. He didn't ask me presumably because I didn't have a sign at the time. He managed it all by himself. He is not as incapable or helpless as he was always trying to show. Not that his being incapable would require that I help him anyway. He's probably just being manipulative, pushing an easy-feeling boundary and then feeling annoyed when I set it and re-set it more firmly and then explode. Point is: I have to watch this guy. He's an energy-leech.

My T says something in respect to my business neighbour which makes me laugh when I think about it. That with small children you often have to repeat boundaries: "No, no more chocolate today." (for the 100th time). "No, you're not allowed to throw sand onto the sidewalk". Because I said to my T that business neighbour reminds me of a small child who doesn't get his way. He also reminds me of B1, so :lightbulb: B1's behaviour is small-child-like too, except that he adds violence, which is not easy to just brush off and it shouldn't be either.

[Blueberry]

Nice sunny day today. No appointments. I did nothing except lie on the sofa (which is doubling as a bed atm) reading, dozing and doing crossword puzzles. Didn't really drink, no meds, no shower. Not showering is certainly one reason I didn't leave the apartment till just now - I'm such a smelly unkempt mess that not even I thought it would be OK to show myself. Now it's late evening though. Everybody else probably in bed.

2 FOO emails tonight about a family friend who'd known me since before I was born passing away. I'm actually impressed both sibs managed to inform me. Can't say I feel anything. Numb I guess. Though there are undoubtedly good memories as well as some mourning to come.

Haven't eaten much today either or even fed my pets properly. Before coming online I did pick them a little grass etc. in the dark.

I have spurts of energy along with little impulses to do things, then I curl back up again and do more or less nothing. Might be good to EFT it. i.e. accept it.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I think your reflections on writing detail in your journal, and how much that is helpful when you look back on it at a later date is great, and I am going to also think of that whenever I'm writing in my own journal - as I have also found it helpful to re-read and compare how things are.

I am imagining how difficult it must have been for you to pick grass for your pets in the dark earlier!  I think that shows you tried to provide for them, even though it was difficult.  That's just something that's come to my mind, and I hope you don't mind me commenting in that way.

I want to also write that I've missed you, but ended up deleting it, as it might feel 'too much' - but I've said it, and written it again - because I have missed you. 

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Hi Hope,
Thank you for commenting I miss you too when you have your spells off the forum. At the same time I am glad you can take them, feel able to live without the forum for a while.

I only picked grass in the night where the light from the doorway was shining onto it. Today I picked grass in the sunshine and then bought my pets some carrots etc. I started eating again myself too.
___________________________

August seems to always be a hard month for me. A month of depression whatever I decide or plan in advance. Maybe I should re-name it then. It's not "depressive slump" it's me "needing to protect myself" and/or "recharge", "regroup".

[Blueberry]

It occurred to me a little while ago Horrendous Family Event #2 took place around this time of year, a little earlier actually but I was definitely dealing with the aftermath around this time 4 years ago. Other vague memories and feelings from much much earlier years are coming atm too.

Also this:  I'm sick of therapy! I'm sick of work, work, working on myself for years in order to stay semi-upright most of the time! Actually I'm not working on self atm because I am sick of it.

Often in August I'd do a healing workshop or at least a yoga retreat. During those times I'd feel a helpful framework supporting me (e.g. meals, other people around, my own chaos missing, no pets to look after) and allowing me to do some of those holiday things I like to do: go wading in a stream; going barefoot on grass, singing etc. 

So I guess I'm doing OK atm considering.  Feel sad now. Good to let that come to surface.