Taking those concrete beneficial steps

[Three Roses]

So glad you got to see a normal reaction to inappropriate behavior! Wish you'd gotten the same from your m. 

[Blueberry]

More concrete beneficial steps, though not those listed at the top of the thread:

I made myself a fairly healthy supper. I washed the dishes, they weren't just from today either. I boiled up some potatoes and parsnips that needed it. I'll make them into something tomorrow. But at least one step is accomplished. This is all means that I'm putting one foot in front of the other to get back on track.

Earlier on I went down into the garden to just have a little look around at what is growing and/or ripening in my beds.

All appropriate beneficial steps with the kind of state I'm in atm.

[Tee]

 

[Blueberry]

Thanks all for support and validation.

I'm continuing the concrete beneficial steps of not doing much. Or of allowing myself to rest and allowing myself to feel what I want to do, not what I should do. I should go up to the farm tonight but since I haven't managed to leave the house by the front door since Friday afternoon, that strikes me as being overly optimistic. And not even necessary. Yes, they could do with me tomorrow but when I fill in the form to apply to extend my disability pension there's a question: "Have you worked when you didn't feel well enough? If so, why?" So I'm asking myself 'Why go if I know I'm not well enough?' A sense of obligation. I said I would. BUT after saying that I got unwell, really unwell. That's one of the reasons why I'm not in the normal workforce.

Also when the way between here and the farm seems very loooooong, an almost unbridgeable distance, then I'm not totally in my Adult. I could maybe spend the next few hours desperately trying to get back into my Adult but that feels like forcing. Often I just need time.

The itches all over are just heat rash (though that doesn't explain why the mere thought of getting on with my plans caused a flare-up). Shower and hairwash would be beneficial, and also a concrete step that takes a lot of effort. I do have a couple of things I need to attend to for two adult students. I'm trying to convince myself that in one case I want to. Got a start on it last night but it was really difficult. I tried to do some laundry today but didn't get as far as putting it in the machine.

Now I remember: that kind of stuff goes on before bits of me begin to split up. It's as if part of me sorts the clothes and imagines another part of me is putting them in the machine. So my task today is remaining in my body and not having bits of me drifting in and out. The way to achieve that mostly involves sitting tight at home. Going into the garden (as I have already done) can be good too but not with any bigger plans than wandering about and seeing what's growing.

On Thursday I'm going to a few days of intensive group therapy, a place I quite often go to. I was registered to go in May but I got really sick, with a temperature and everything. I wasn't in a fit state to travel at all. So this is my make-up session instead. I certainly want to be well enough to travel and to use the time productively. I'm actually leaving home on Tuesday and visiting a friend en route. I've already decided to arrive at her place later than she would consider 'normal' e.g. early evening instead of just after lunch. So bit by bit I'm taking care of me.

[Tee]

  take care of you Blueberry your important. Enjoy a restful day.

[Blueberry]

Thank you Tee! I'm getting better at it. 

_________________________________________

I didn't go up to the farm. I had a couple of things to take back up there which I passed onto somebody else going up tonight. So I did manage to get out of the house and go to the train station to hand those things over. I feel together as in: I'm not splitting up. That was my goal for today. So it's reached.

It was good to have a brief chat with my farm colleague and his wife. Saturday I didn't talk to anybody.

I got myself an ice-cream on the way home. That worked out quite well, eating disorder-wise. I was happy with the flavour I chose and didn't feel afterwards as if I wanted to eat all ice-cream in sight or try out every flavour.

[Blueberry]

So what homework could I be doing:

1) Sitting with feelings instead of acting on them

What steps of my own choosing could I be doing:

5) Practise very basic self-care e.g. going to bed early enough, brushing teeth regularly etc.
6) Adjust self-talk to reflect current reality not FOO's reality

1) I'm allowing my feelings and my general state atm to just be. I wouldn't say I'm even sitting with them. I'm acknowledging that they're there but then I do other things, slowly as I'm able. I'm not eating them down though and that's a huge step forward. I don't actually have much impulse to, though a little bit sometimes.

5) Though I'm not doing too well with the examples up above, I am taking my meds and making myself healthy food to eat, and doing so. I also finally showered and washed my hair.

6) My self-talk is fairly self-accepting atm. It's certainly not self-damning, nor is my attitude. I know I've been in these kinds of phases before, I know I'll come out the other side again. There's no point in haranguing myself for not continuing the forward steps I had in mind atm, nor is there any point in giving up e.g. my office or my work.

These are all steps forward of their own. 

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
   
Hope 

[Tee]

  there's still some steps forward there even little steps are steps.

[Blueberry]

Two concrete beneficial steps today already, and one connected realisation.

In the retreat I came up with quite a few new Attitude Changes. One is "I'm not your therapist." This was directed internally at a previous friend of mine to whom I've written quite a few Recovery Letters. I was thinking that it would be good to reduce posting to others on here, or at least not feeling almost compelled to leap in and write about my experience to help another mbr. Lots of others on OOTS to do that. I've been at that point before. Good to be aware of. I'm not stopping Modding and I'm not leaving the forum, no worries.

But there's more to this. To my new business neighbour: "I'm not your business start-up assistant, I'm not your language assistant, who'll phone the utilities company for you." The concrete beneficial step was: I refused to help even a step further. I realised NO! My own goal rn is more important to me. (I wanted to listen to one of the trauma healing podcasts before they were taken down about half an hour ago.) I didn't have time to help him. I did of course briefly - showed him where his gas meter is - but then "No! I'm not phoning them for you." He thanks me for the help, when I give it, and goes on about my 'good heart'. Today I said I need my good helping heart chiefly for myself, and closed the door. 

Before I went on the retreat, I asked him for an easy, return favour for what I'd just done for him: Could he empty my letter box while I was away if it was overflowing. He gave a long explanation of why he didn't want to do that kind of thing (I didn't understand it, but his knowledge of the local language is shaky). I did understand that he didn't want to do it, but I pushed for him to do it this once, and he did.

Realisation: "I don't need your overflowing thanks and huge expressions of gratitude (maybe even 'charming' words, manipulating words, like 'good heart'?), I need reciprocal help." A brief thank-you is certainly good - I give that too. But it's not enough for the energy I expend helping others. So that's a person where I'll certainly need to watch and maintain the boundary, or pull it tighter.

[Tee]

  take care of you

[Blueberry]

Thanks Tee I'm working on it.

Another thing today with my business neighbour: he repeated his request from last week that I tell him how much my monthly utilities are. These are two separate bills and Idk them off by heart. I put him off till the afternoon, though actually I needed more time. Anyway I gave him the electricity amount but couldn't find the gas amount because I could see two on my account balance -  never noticed that before. Better phone the gas utilities company. They were mystified until I realised that the second gas amount I was seeing was actually the electricity amount I'd quoted to my neighbour. That might all sound very convuluted but it quite often happens to me that I can't read/understand or sort my bank statements and that type of document.

The realisation: it really is important for me to put myself first, especially after a healing retreat!! Good that I didn't go to the farm this early morning. I did consider it. Beneficial step not doing that. 

[Three Roses]

I don't need your overflowing thanks and huge expressions of gratitude (maybe even 'charming' words, manipulating words, like 'good heart'?), I need reciprocal help.

Talk is cheap - show me with your actions if you want me to listen. Excellent realization! 

[Blueberry]

Talk is cheap - show me with your actions if you want me to listen. Excellent realization! 

Thanks for giving me different words for the realisation! It's a bit like over at OOTF: "When people show you who they are, believe them." Different variants of the same meaning probably speak to different parts of me, so, yeah, big thanks here to you, 3R.

[sanmagic7]

i echo what 3r said, and congratulate you, blueberry, on these realizations.  the idea of reciprocation is near and dear to my heart.  like you said, we need something back to help refuel us in order to get our energy level back up where it belongs.  people who ask and ask and ask but don'e give back in kind are drainers, and we end up paying the price.

well done, blueberry.     love and hugs to you full of continuing boundaries.