Recent posts
#31
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by Bach - July 13, 2025, 10:52:04 PMEvery single minute of every single day I'm struggling through life, pretending there's more to my existence than a constant battle to stay one step ahead of anxiety and pain and fear. I am so tired.
#32
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing journal (tw) Anger...
Last post by StartingHealing - July 13, 2025, 04:09:40 PMJuly 13 2025
Rough night last night. I have to accept that this physical frame is not what it once was and to be the best friend to myself that I can I need to accept that the memories of physical capabilities are just that. I had a few tipples, and yeah. Realized this morning over coffee that I may be better served if I create a more structured approach to things rather than just responding to outside obligations. That is something that I've lived with for ... well, at least my first breath in this realm.
Still working on what feels good to me in my living space. I haven't put up art on the walls even with the command hooks that don't damage anything since I'm a renter. I may have overshot a bit with the minimalism aspects.
I haven't gone out and walked in a fair bit either. I also haven't taken the 35mm camera and did anything. IDK .. seems like in my puzzling over things I've lost sight of enjoyment in the spaces I am in. TBH I've minimized down a great deal perhaps I've cut back in to many areas.
I have realized that many of the activities I enjoyed as a child was actually trauma responses. Reading was one of my jams. At the time though it was a means of escape from the situation that I found myself in. I mean a child has more needs than food, water, clothing, shelter.
Being out in nature, rather being away from certain people, that was a go to as well. One thing about being on the farm was if there wasn't anything else that needed to get done, there were some hours where I could just go out to the "pond" it was dry most of the year. After the spring rain(s) it would have some water in it and the toads would come out of their suspended animation to create the next generation of toads. Or go to a dry creek to see what if anything got brought to the surface from the wind / bank erosion / water flow.
I think something that would benefit me would be some sort of regular practice that grounds me into this physical frame.
Time to get some cold pizza for breakfast. Wash it down with some sun tea I did yesterday.
Wishing all here, all the best
Rough night last night. I have to accept that this physical frame is not what it once was and to be the best friend to myself that I can I need to accept that the memories of physical capabilities are just that. I had a few tipples, and yeah. Realized this morning over coffee that I may be better served if I create a more structured approach to things rather than just responding to outside obligations. That is something that I've lived with for ... well, at least my first breath in this realm.
Still working on what feels good to me in my living space. I haven't put up art on the walls even with the command hooks that don't damage anything since I'm a renter. I may have overshot a bit with the minimalism aspects.
I haven't gone out and walked in a fair bit either. I also haven't taken the 35mm camera and did anything. IDK .. seems like in my puzzling over things I've lost sight of enjoyment in the spaces I am in. TBH I've minimized down a great deal perhaps I've cut back in to many areas.
I have realized that many of the activities I enjoyed as a child was actually trauma responses. Reading was one of my jams. At the time though it was a means of escape from the situation that I found myself in. I mean a child has more needs than food, water, clothing, shelter.
Being out in nature, rather being away from certain people, that was a go to as well. One thing about being on the farm was if there wasn't anything else that needed to get done, there were some hours where I could just go out to the "pond" it was dry most of the year. After the spring rain(s) it would have some water in it and the toads would come out of their suspended animation to create the next generation of toads. Or go to a dry creek to see what if anything got brought to the surface from the wind / bank erosion / water flow.
I think something that would benefit me would be some sort of regular practice that grounds me into this physical frame.
Time to get some cold pizza for breakfast. Wash it down with some sun tea I did yesterday.
Wishing all here, all the best
#33
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by SenseOrgan - July 13, 2025, 04:00:46 PMsanmagic7
I appreciate your kind support a lot! I'm grateful that you're here. I have to work a bit on receiving compliments, but thank you. And right back at ya again
********************************************************************************************************
Oh god it was bad again last night. I woke up dozens of times, had terrible nightmares. My whole being was invaded, overpowered by a parasitic force, sapping my life energy. I experienced my mother as a demon. That's a part of it I remember.
When I woke up I was reminded of a terrifying aya experience, where the shaman turned out to be a demonic creature with hooves. I never realized this was what my subconscious projected onto him in this specific way. I could have walked away to never come back at any time, yet I felt completely powerless to do so. Even when sobered up in between the series of ceremonies that week. It looks an awful lot like a freeze response. I've always struggled a bit determining my F-type hierarchy. Freeze actually never crossed my mind as having much significance for me.
The utterly lonely, desperate stuckness I ended up in during several psychedelic experiences had the same feeling tone as my EF's. It seems quite odd now that I did go there to process trauma and somehow not recognized those experiences for what they are. They never come with a label, and the overwhelming emotional storm disguises it into something of the present. My mind has ways to be aware of things and keeping a lot of their depth out of consciousness at the same time. The reality reveals itself in bits and pieces of emotional hieroglyphs.
The state between waking and sleeping is very rich in this regard. I sometimes have a lot of access to my subconscious at night, which can be terrifying. If I don't write it down, it quickly disappears from my awareness. Just like with psychedelic experiences. Working with psychedelics has made my subconscious stuff a lot more accessible. That never gets easy or straightforward though.
During EF's, the most difficult parts are by definition overwhelming and confusing. That experience where it feels like it'll be like this forever and there's no way out whatsoever, it strips me of ways to deal with it or my ability to tap into perseverance. It reduces me to a ping pong ball on the waves of a stormy ocean. I forget what's up and down, left and right, front and back. But what hits me hardest, is the collapse of perspective, of the factor of time. I guess this is what happens when parts of the cortex go offline and things get primal and panicky. I hate those kind of nights. And trips for that matter. I never could get my head around people tripping for fun. What my mind manifests generally isn't that at all.
Whatever happens during the day, I'm never completely gone. I nearly always have the ability to do some things, however little or chaotic. It's more like most of the bandwidth I have is used up by this trauma stuff being triggered, and it takes a lot of effort to add anything else. Except if I'm floored by a sleep disorder, which is another branch of the same beast.
I appreciate your kind support a lot! I'm grateful that you're here. I have to work a bit on receiving compliments, but thank you. And right back at ya again
********************************************************************************************************
Oh god it was bad again last night. I woke up dozens of times, had terrible nightmares. My whole being was invaded, overpowered by a parasitic force, sapping my life energy. I experienced my mother as a demon. That's a part of it I remember.
When I woke up I was reminded of a terrifying aya experience, where the shaman turned out to be a demonic creature with hooves. I never realized this was what my subconscious projected onto him in this specific way. I could have walked away to never come back at any time, yet I felt completely powerless to do so. Even when sobered up in between the series of ceremonies that week. It looks an awful lot like a freeze response. I've always struggled a bit determining my F-type hierarchy. Freeze actually never crossed my mind as having much significance for me.
The utterly lonely, desperate stuckness I ended up in during several psychedelic experiences had the same feeling tone as my EF's. It seems quite odd now that I did go there to process trauma and somehow not recognized those experiences for what they are. They never come with a label, and the overwhelming emotional storm disguises it into something of the present. My mind has ways to be aware of things and keeping a lot of their depth out of consciousness at the same time. The reality reveals itself in bits and pieces of emotional hieroglyphs.
The state between waking and sleeping is very rich in this regard. I sometimes have a lot of access to my subconscious at night, which can be terrifying. If I don't write it down, it quickly disappears from my awareness. Just like with psychedelic experiences. Working with psychedelics has made my subconscious stuff a lot more accessible. That never gets easy or straightforward though.
During EF's, the most difficult parts are by definition overwhelming and confusing. That experience where it feels like it'll be like this forever and there's no way out whatsoever, it strips me of ways to deal with it or my ability to tap into perseverance. It reduces me to a ping pong ball on the waves of a stormy ocean. I forget what's up and down, left and right, front and back. But what hits me hardest, is the collapse of perspective, of the factor of time. I guess this is what happens when parts of the cortex go offline and things get primal and panicky. I hate those kind of nights. And trips for that matter. I never could get my head around people tripping for fun. What my mind manifests generally isn't that at all.
Whatever happens during the day, I'm never completely gone. I nearly always have the ability to do some things, however little or chaotic. It's more like most of the bandwidth I have is used up by this trauma stuff being triggered, and it takes a lot of effort to add anything else. Except if I'm floored by a sleep disorder, which is another branch of the same beast.
#34
Suicide Ideation/Self Harm / Re: Feeling Suicidal Again
Last post by Blueberry - July 12, 2025, 09:58:25 PMQuote from: BlueMoon_ on July 07, 2025, 07:40:15 PMMy therapist told me to look at the facts before, since they can be distorted, but this is the facts. I'll never be strong enough to defend myself.
It may have seemed that way for a long time and it still may seem that way, but that could change! Once you're well on the road to healing, surprising things can happen for the better.
I hope you're feeling a little more stable than last week. As Kizzie said, if you're actively suicidal you need to speak to somebody IRL who can support you in the moment. For other support, we are here
#35
Physical Abuse / Re: My Sister and Physical Abu...
Last post by Blueberry - July 12, 2025, 09:43:30 PMI'm sorry your sister behaves this way to you and your mother doesn't take it seriously.
If you had done something mean to her when you were kids, I'm guessing she's old enough now to speak up about that and ask for what she needs e.g. an apology instead of ambushing you and getting physical. Then the two of you could lay it to rest.
I doubt that that is what it is, though. My elder brother was physically abusive to me through most of my childhood and teenage years. My parents didn't take it seriously even though they saw it happen some of the time. Dysfunctional families are like that unfortunately.
I'm glad you're able to write about it here at least.
Quote from: BlueMoon_ on July 12, 2025, 05:58:03 AMI really don't get why she's so obsessed with hurting me. I fear maybe I did something mean to her as kids I can't recall and now she wants to punish me forever or something. Weird.
If you had done something mean to her when you were kids, I'm guessing she's old enough now to speak up about that and ask for what she needs e.g. an apology instead of ambushing you and getting physical. Then the two of you could lay it to rest.
I doubt that that is what it is, though. My elder brother was physically abusive to me through most of my childhood and teenage years. My parents didn't take it seriously even though they saw it happen some of the time. Dysfunctional families are like that unfortunately.
I'm glad you're able to write about it here at least.
#36
Physical Abuse / Re: My Sister and Physical Abu...
Last post by BlueMoon_ - July 12, 2025, 07:31:08 PMQuote from: Kizzie on July 12, 2025, 04:44:27 PMAn angry sibling in a dysfunctional, abusive family and parents who don't hold children accountable for behaviour like this is common sadly.
This seems to be something that happened a few summers back. Is she still behaving the same way towards you?
She hasn't done anything physical so far but I haven't spend much time around her this summer for obvious reasons.
#37
Physical Abuse / Re: My Sister and Physical Abu...
Last post by Kizzie - July 12, 2025, 04:44:27 PMAn angry sibling in a dysfunctional, abusive family and parents who don't hold children accountable for behaviour like this is common sadly.
This seems to be something that happened a few summers back. Is she still behaving the same way towards you?
This seems to be something that happened a few summers back. Is she still behaving the same way towards you?
#38
Symptoms - Other / Re: Do You Ever "Misread" Trau...
Last post by Kizzie - July 12, 2025, 04:23:36 PM
That's great to hear! #39
Physical Abuse / My Sister and Physical Abuse
Last post by BlueMoon_ - July 12, 2025, 05:58:03 AMI'm pretty sure my sister hit me and stuff more when we were younger but I can't remember for sure. But nowadays she does more covert stuff like touching me in other ways I dislike including poking, tickling, grabbing, etc.
But a more overt example happened a couple summers ago. I'm just going to vent it here because I haven't told the story to anyone outside of my family.
She had been bullying me a lot that summer, and it was getting really annoying, but one day we started getting along, and so decided to do an activity together. We started painting pictures together at the dining room table.
At first it was completely normal and serene, and I was having a good time. We were laughing and talking. Then suddenly my sister got up and walked behind me and grabbed me by the neck from behind painfully. I think she said something to me but I forget it, I guess because of dissociation.
Anyway, after that she went back to her seat like nothing happened. I got up and told my mom about it. When my mom confronted my sister she started crying, saying how I didn't even seem mad about it and she was just joking, and my mom didn't punish her because she always believes her when she cries for some reason.
I really don't get why she's so obsessed with hurting me. I fear maybe I did something mean to her as kids I can't recall and now she wants to punish me forever or something. Weird.
But a more overt example happened a couple summers ago. I'm just going to vent it here because I haven't told the story to anyone outside of my family.
She had been bullying me a lot that summer, and it was getting really annoying, but one day we started getting along, and so decided to do an activity together. We started painting pictures together at the dining room table.
At first it was completely normal and serene, and I was having a good time. We were laughing and talking. Then suddenly my sister got up and walked behind me and grabbed me by the neck from behind painfully. I think she said something to me but I forget it, I guess because of dissociation.
Anyway, after that she went back to her seat like nothing happened. I got up and told my mom about it. When my mom confronted my sister she started crying, saying how I didn't even seem mad about it and she was just joking, and my mom didn't punish her because she always believes her when she cries for some reason.
I really don't get why she's so obsessed with hurting me. I fear maybe I did something mean to her as kids I can't recall and now she wants to punish me forever or something. Weird.
#40
Symptoms - Other / Re: Do You Ever "Misread" Trau...
Last post by storyworld - July 11, 2025, 08:44:10 PMThanks, Kizzie, and that's a good point. Not every father is harmful. 
I married a great dad (and husband!) and am super grateful!
I married a great dad (and husband!) and am super grateful!