Recent posts
#31
General Discussion / Re: Why Did This Happen To Me?
Last post by Kizzie - April 30, 2024, 02:08:39 PMIt is difficult Rizzo and it takes time to believe it which is one reason for coming here. Writing about how you feel and having others confirm that you are trained to feel that way over and over helps defuel that belief. It takes time and hearing over and over it is NOT your fault from fellow survivors who started off believing it was them and came to see it was not. It sets into your inner self at some point.
I hope this gives you some hope that you will feel better.
I hope this gives you some hope that you will feel better.
#32
Recovery Journals / Re: Bert's Journal
Last post by Armee - April 30, 2024, 01:39:05 PM
Way to go listening to yourself!
I'm really proud of you Bert.
May I suggest only for consideration...
There are ways to put your current set of skills to good use helping people, too. For example in the US at least there's the ad council and they do advertisements for the greater good...public health etc. Or if you are willing to deal with bureaucracy...government agencies...you could find one who's mission aligns with your values and help with communications, social media, etc. For example I worked in a federal agency and we were always trying to design what we called "public outreach" to get out info on how to protect yourself and family from things like wildfire smoke. Greater good. BUT we were all scientists and engineers and had no idea how to market things. Just a thought. There are state, county, city, federal agencies who could use your skills. I don't know if you are in the US but there are agencies who focus on mental health for instance. All I'm saying is your skill set can actually help people if you wanted to keep using it. Government can be frustrating but rewarding and the worklife balance is good too. Just an idea. Dog walking also sounds really nice.
#33
Sexual Abuse / Re: I Can't Stop Feeling Disgu...
Last post by Little2Nothing - April 30, 2024, 11:33:42 AMRizzo I fully understand what you are saying. The violation of our bodies has a horrendous effect on what we feel.
Feelings of shame, disgust and worthlessness plague me nearly every day.
Feelings of shame, disgust and worthlessness plague me nearly every day.
#34
General Discussion / Re: Why Did This Happen To Me?
Last post by GoSlash27 - April 30, 2024, 09:00:58 AMRizzo,
I suppose that is all part of the normal subconscious 'self defense' wiring. "I want it to stop; make sure it never happens again. but I don't know what to do to make that happen".
When trying to make sense of an irrational situation, the brain starts looking in odd places for possible solutions.
Was it something *I* did wrong? Maybe I'm just overreacting, etc.
Stepping back and looking at it dispassionately it's easy to see that there's no reason at all, but *living* in it... Different story.
I can relate to this.
Best,
-Slashy
I suppose that is all part of the normal subconscious 'self defense' wiring. "I want it to stop; make sure it never happens again. but I don't know what to do to make that happen".
When trying to make sense of an irrational situation, the brain starts looking in odd places for possible solutions.
Was it something *I* did wrong? Maybe I'm just overreacting, etc.
Stepping back and looking at it dispassionately it's easy to see that there's no reason at all, but *living* in it... Different story.
I can relate to this.
Best,
-Slashy
#35
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by Bert - April 30, 2024, 08:14:29 AMI'm so sorry to hear NK,
Wishing you a speedy recovery!
Wishing you a speedy recovery!
#36
Recovery Journals / Re: Bert's Journal
Last post by Bert - April 30, 2024, 08:03:30 AMGood morning OOTs,
Thank you for the kind words Hope, it means a lot. I hope you're doing well
I've something quite important to say. I decided to resign. I've decided that I need align my career goals to more of who I really am. Despite the work I had done, and the excitement I felt on Day 1 of this new job, from Day 2 onwards I could feel myself slipping into the pits of despair, loss, and all-round miserable-ness. I think I've realised that this industry that I've contributed to for the past 8 years has been a product of my CPTSD. A coping mechanism if you will. The nature of the work in this career (advertising/marketing agency) is never-ending deadlines of utmost importance and with no "thank you's" or smiles along the way. Effectively, it's like me pandering endlessly and frantically to my abusive M & F and not knowing what or how I can help them or get a sense of positive feedback.
I've been far more in touch with mySelf over the past 3-6 months as I had to take a break from work, and have learned how deeply I care for people, I care about their smiles and joy, I like to enrich peoples lives and as I'm sat behind my laptop in my "new job" (that's the same old heartless and joyless graft) - I can feel my inner parts screaming "what are you doing?".
I resigned yesterday, incredibly respectfully and explained that I now know that I need to change career and align it to my values. They took it... meh. It doesn't help that the primary resource on the account I was going to lead had also resigned that day... (red flag right).
Regardless, my EFs and inner world are back at peace knowing that I'm on their side. That I'm listening to them, and they do not want us to carry on in this line of work.
What I do next? I'm unsure... But I'm not terrified. I've a few ideas... I could set-up a dog walking / dog-sitting service in my neighbourhood, I've an idea to consider being a luxury car salesmen, perhaps an estate agent? I've a bit of searching around to do. But I kind of feel like this is absolutely what I need to do. An element of "lightness" about my body.
My fear of course, is I'm giving in to avoidance. I don't know... I don't know how to discern what is what with this, but I kind of know that I can't continue as how I was before. My body simply refuses it (and boy does it get in a very bad way, quickly).
Have any of you guys experienced something similar? Let me know.
Love to you all
Thank you for the kind words Hope, it means a lot. I hope you're doing well
I've something quite important to say. I decided to resign. I've decided that I need align my career goals to more of who I really am. Despite the work I had done, and the excitement I felt on Day 1 of this new job, from Day 2 onwards I could feel myself slipping into the pits of despair, loss, and all-round miserable-ness. I think I've realised that this industry that I've contributed to for the past 8 years has been a product of my CPTSD. A coping mechanism if you will. The nature of the work in this career (advertising/marketing agency) is never-ending deadlines of utmost importance and with no "thank you's" or smiles along the way. Effectively, it's like me pandering endlessly and frantically to my abusive M & F and not knowing what or how I can help them or get a sense of positive feedback.
I've been far more in touch with mySelf over the past 3-6 months as I had to take a break from work, and have learned how deeply I care for people, I care about their smiles and joy, I like to enrich peoples lives and as I'm sat behind my laptop in my "new job" (that's the same old heartless and joyless graft) - I can feel my inner parts screaming "what are you doing?".
I resigned yesterday, incredibly respectfully and explained that I now know that I need to change career and align it to my values. They took it... meh. It doesn't help that the primary resource on the account I was going to lead had also resigned that day... (red flag right).
Regardless, my EFs and inner world are back at peace knowing that I'm on their side. That I'm listening to them, and they do not want us to carry on in this line of work.
What I do next? I'm unsure... But I'm not terrified. I've a few ideas... I could set-up a dog walking / dog-sitting service in my neighbourhood, I've an idea to consider being a luxury car salesmen, perhaps an estate agent? I've a bit of searching around to do. But I kind of feel like this is absolutely what I need to do. An element of "lightness" about my body.
My fear of course, is I'm giving in to avoidance. I don't know... I don't know how to discern what is what with this, but I kind of know that I can't continue as how I was before. My body simply refuses it (and boy does it get in a very bad way, quickly).
Have any of you guys experienced something similar? Let me know.
Love to you all
#37
When I was little, things happened to me with my father that I am still not ready to detail.
But.. we are still in touch. I can say that he kicked me out of the house at the age of 15 and I was homeless for two weeks. He cursed me, humiliated me and despised me. He told me he hated me. When I was a baby, other things of a different kind happened.
I feel that maybe something is wrong with me that I am able to put everything aside only because I value a relationship with him.
I understand that I am a person who values family very much and it is important for me to stay in touch with them.
That's one of the things he taught me as a child.
But my father did terrible things during my life and so did my mother who allowed him.
I'm trying to figure out why I'm like this.
In therapy it is difficult for me to talk about my father.
I've had a lot of things happen to me with bad people in my life who aren't my dad.. I've been sexually assaulted many times. My life felt like it wasn't my life, it was other people's.
But what I had with my father was the most complex.. Makes sense.
I feel no anger or contempt for him, no hard feelings at all, which makes me feel like a very strange human being.
Sometimes I imagine what it would have been like to be born into a normal family, but there is no such thing, I know.
But.. we are still in touch. I can say that he kicked me out of the house at the age of 15 and I was homeless for two weeks. He cursed me, humiliated me and despised me. He told me he hated me. When I was a baby, other things of a different kind happened.
I feel that maybe something is wrong with me that I am able to put everything aside only because I value a relationship with him.
I understand that I am a person who values family very much and it is important for me to stay in touch with them.
That's one of the things he taught me as a child.
But my father did terrible things during my life and so did my mother who allowed him.
I'm trying to figure out why I'm like this.
In therapy it is difficult for me to talk about my father.
I've had a lot of things happen to me with bad people in my life who aren't my dad.. I've been sexually assaulted many times. My life felt like it wasn't my life, it was other people's.
But what I had with my father was the most complex.. Makes sense.
I feel no anger or contempt for him, no hard feelings at all, which makes me feel like a very strange human being.
Sometimes I imagine what it would have been like to be born into a normal family, but there is no such thing, I know.
#38
Sexual Abuse / I Can't Stop Feeling Disgust
Last post by Rizzo - April 30, 2024, 07:37:57 AMFrom a young age, things happened to me that I would not wish on anyone.
The feeling of disgust burned through me.
Today all the time the feeling of disgust is in me, does not give rest
This is tiring, I want so badly to be normal.
Does anyone relate to the constant feeling of I can't stop feeling disgusted?
The feeling of disgust burned through me.
Today all the time the feeling of disgust is in me, does not give rest
This is tiring, I want so badly to be normal.
Does anyone relate to the constant feeling of I can't stop feeling disgusted?
#39
General Discussion / Re: Why Did This Happen To Me?
Last post by Rizzo - April 30, 2024, 07:16:20 AMI wish I didn't feel it was my fault..
Like I deserved it.
I guess there are things you're right about.. I just can't really connect to it
Like I deserved it.
I guess there are things you're right about.. I just can't really connect to it
#40
Recovery Journals / Re: Forging New Paths
Last post by Blueberry - April 30, 2024, 05:06:19 AMThank you Hope I didn't unfortunately. Oh well.
I didn't unfortunately. Oh well.