Messages

Well, I went ahead and texted her something very general about me experiencing sexual abuse by my M when I was a kid. She replied that, basically, she doesn't wish false accusations on anyone and so she won't be able to be around me or my kids so I don't falsely accuse her!

She has since sent me a demand for proof and a demand to know why I haven't pressed criminal charges if the assaults actually happened. She officially moved the goal posts from "you need to give me your reasons for NC or we can't have a relationship" to "you need to submit proof of your claims of sexual abuse or we can't have a relationship." I think I learned my lesson.

Final communication from her before I blocked her was that she had informed my M of my accusations and M did not respond like someone who had done something like that! Therefore, I must be wrong. She called my claims "ludicrous." Good riddance. Right now I am too angry to be sad. But the sadness will come. If nothing else, I have learned the hard way not to trust my FOO at all.

I am just reeling. She has said nasty stuff to me before, but I never expected such venom! She must be feeling really threatened. I expect she will try to broadcast this to the rest of the extended family, esp. my brother. But if my suspicions about my brother are correct (I think he was also sexually abused by M), then this may actually prompt him to reach out or to get help.

Anyhow, I am currently reminding myself that I am a completely independent grown man with my own family, friends, house, and job. There is nothing they can do to me anymore.

Yes, she told me it is especially common for survivors of SA. I definitely think I lucked out with this T.

Thanks Kizzie!

My T today told me that wretching/dry heaves are to be expected as I actually face my EFs instead of numbing myself.

I'm not sure where to put this note. But, lately, I can get deep into an emotional flashback (I am letting it happen, not fighting it, being in my body, checking in with my IC, etc) when I have an overwhelming urge to vomit. I do so and the EF ends more or less. It isn't vomit like stomach bug vomit. Like, I am not emptying the contents of my stomach (so sorry to be this graphic), just heaving some stuff from the top. I have an appointment with my T tomorrow and my psychiatrist at the end of the month and will talk to them, but wanted to know if anyone had a similar experience.

I journal some with an actual pen and paper, but that can feel so lonely. Lately I've really gotten taken with the idea (inspired by Patrick Teahan's excellent YouTube channel) of writing out dialogues between my inner child and my inner adult. It is really important, at least for me, to identify both the child and the adult as being "inner." In the past I have thought of myself as the adult and my inner child as a previous me. But that isn't the case at all. Both are truly me in the present. Anyway, I want to use this journal to write my dialogues. I am writing this here and not in a private paper journal or in a document on my computer because having readers a) helps remind me that all of this is real and not just some figment of my imagination and b) helps me feel safer because I am around others I trust.

A couple of bits of information that will help with context:
-I am male, straight, married to a woman, and have three young kids
-My abuser was my mother who has undiagnosed BPD.
-I was physically abused, sexually abused, and very VERY emotionally abused (the SA became covert incest when I got a bit older)
-My inner child is primarily 10 years old. I will specify when he is some other age.

Final caveat: all names and identifying details have been fictionalized.

Here is my inaugural dialogue:

* * *

Inner Child (IC): Oh no! We are going to get in SO MUCH trouble.

Inner Adult (IA): Hey buddy. Woah. What's going on?

IC: We made an inappropriate comment around some colleagues and now we are going to be fired!

IA: Gotcha. Wow, that does sound scary. Can you tell me more about it?

IC: We told a story about using the bathroom when we were a kid and Sarah made a disgusted face and said "TMI."

IA: Oh man, I am so sorry that happened. How did that make you feel?

IC: That story was inappropriate and Bill is going to fire us! I am sure HR is already processing a sexual harassment claim against us.

IA: That sounds super scary! Do you mind telling me how Sarah's reaction made you feel, though? I realize you are scared Bill will fire us or HR will discipline us, but do you mind if we talk about us for a second?

IC: What's the point? Everyone knows we are disgusting and gross. I feel like I am a gross excuse for a human being, that I am the kind of thing people wrinkle their nose at. Which is why HR would be justified in taking action or Bill would be justified in firing us.

IA: You are NOT disgusting! You are a beautiful and wonderful boy with a lot to share with others. I love you exactly as you are.

IC: Yeah right. Mom always says we are gross, that no one can love us but her.

IA: I understand that Mom told us that kind of thing, but I think Mom was wrong about that. Can I remind you of something? We married a wonderful, beautiful woman who delights in us. We have three wonderful kids who love spending time with us. They even fight over who gets to sit next to us! We have a fantastic father who is so, so proud of us. The only person who ever suggested we were gross was Mom. And we both know Mom has her problems.

IC: I know, I know. But did you see Sarah's face? She averted her eyes and grimaced and laughed a nervous little laugh while saying "TMI!"

IA: I know, I know. But what was Sarah reacting to?

IC: ME!!!

IA: But she didn't react that way until we told the story, right?

IC: I guess.

IA: And she didn't react that way once the moment had passed, right?

IC: Yeah.

IA: So what was she reacting to?

IC: The story I guess.

IA: I think so. She had a little reaction to a bit of potty humor. Lot's of people don't like potty humor. But that doesn't mean she is disgusted with you! And, to top it off, we don't even know if she was disgusted. She didn't say so.

IC: Then why does it feel like she is disgusted by me?

IA: I think it is because we learned to be disgusted with ourselves, to find ourselves loathsome. And we both know who taught us that!

IC: But what if she really was offended and goes to Bill or HR?

IA: Can we cross that bridge when we get there? Have you ever known Sarah to not address a problem with you directly if she had one? Have you ever known Bill to fire anyone for something so minor?

IC: No, I guess not. But you never know!

IA: True, we can't know for sure  how other people feel, what they think, or how they will behave. But we can choose to live our lives consistent with what we know to be true about ourselves.

IC: I understand, but I really feel like texting Sarah to apologize!

IA: Are you trying to see if she is upset with you?

IC: YES! That way, I can know what to expect.

IA: If Sarah is upset with you and holds a grudge or bitterness toward you but refuses to address it with you, then that is a problem with her, not you. Is your conscience clear?

IC: Yes. I wasn't trying to do or say anything off color. I just was telling a story from our childhood.

IA: Right! Do you think you might be more circumspect in the future where Sarah is concerned?

IC: Of course! I don't want her to feel uncomfortable.

IA: Then, I see no reason to discuss the matter further with her or anyone else unless she reaches out. In the unlikely case that she is offended, then that is on her to bring up, not you.

IC: But I am still nervous!

IA: Of course! But now we have the opportunity to manage those nerves, to practice self-love and acceptance. I love you and our wife loves you and our kids love you and our father loves you! And God loves you too, just the way you are! HUG!!!!

Thanks! I hopped back on the next night and all was fine.

Thank you all. Her last message before I blocked her was that she had revealed my claims to M who did not react like a person who is guilty, so it must mean that my claims are ludicrous. I never expected such venom from her even if she has said other hurtful things in the past. Anyhow, NOT MY CIRCUS, NOT MY MONKEYS. I feel free.

Well, my sister replied that while not dismissing what happened to me, she doesn't want to be around me or my kids so she won't be falsely accused of sexual abuse.

Thanks everyone. I just sent her a text with my disclosure. Thank you all so much for your support!

All of this is super helpful. Thank you!

So -- I decided to build the icr its very own, and very separate, room. The icr loves to feel important, and having, at last, his own room -- wow, it makes him special, and not some pesky irritant. Remember, we're talking visualization and imagination here.

In addition to his own room, I fitted it up like a home theatre, complete with films of my old life, the one he loved to denigrate and make me feel bad about. So key to the theatre are all those old films, plus scrapbooks and items like my old journals which were filled with the downside of cptsd -- anger, shame, self-depredation, deep depression, even touching on years when I teetered on the edge of staying alive when all felt so hopeless. Of course the icr loved every minute, but with the new room all his own, wow -- he loves it.

Woodsgnome, that is fantastic. I like that a lot. I think that sort of imaginative work is precisely what I need to do to make sense of the tangle in my mind.

I haven't yet got to the stage of feeding her narrative with figurative films and scrapbooks, but that sounds rather fun, in a perverse sort of way.

 
I NarcKiddo--that attitude is super similar to the way I dealt with my OCD--egg on the absurdity of it almost. It helps.

When the inner critic is a voice from my past, reason doesn't work. You can't reason with narcissist even if they are just a blip burrowed into your brain. I find it easier just to distance myself from that voice, as I would have from that person who the voice originally belonged to. It's not me, it's them. I recognise that voice as their voice, and it will never be honoured. I do find myself arguing with them a lot, but doing that is triggering. It's more harmful than helpful to engage with the unwelcome intruder.

Bermuda--That is a very helpful way of thinking about it. Learning to distinguish between the legitimate inner voice that is helpful with our current lives and the interloper from the past. In the same way I have chosen to ignore my abuser by going NC with her, I can choose the same thing with the ICr

the idea of ICr being part of my abuser who needs to be eradicated is no longer supported in the trauma T community. At least in the German one, which is where I am. According to my inpatient T last year and this year. The brain is very complicated, the psyche is very complicated. Hope this helps some way, gcj.

Blueberry,

Yes, after speaking with my T at length about dealing with the ICr, she also thinks the eradicating the ICr is unhelpful, impossible, and likely to be triggering. We are working on ignoring the ICr for now (I LOVE Woodsgnome's idea of creating a special space in my mind for the ICr) while I continue doing EMDR on specific episodes of CSA.

I texted her back to ask what she wanted to talk about. She replied that she wanted to know exactly why I went NC with Mom because if she doesn't have that info she can't be in the same room with me. She then said if I can't give her that info she will pursue a relationship with my wife and kids without me. So, um, NO. Nope nope nope nope. Not happening. I don't trust her at all and see this as a fishing expedition to feed info back to M with the typical ultimatum. I have been clear for the last four years that I would not be discussing my relationship with M with her--it is none of her business. I also think my F is a bit clouded by a desire to see his kids reconcile. I get that from his perspective, but he spent a long time enabling M by pressuring the rest of us to reconcile with her and it seems old habits are hard to break.

[feels]

Hi all--

I have been NC with uBPm for almost four years. And it has been FANTASTIC! I am continually working on myself and dealing with my C-PTSD and am excited about the journey. Shortly after I went NC, my F filed for divorce (this was not coordinated, but it was very welcome). I have a really good relationship with F. For most of my life, F enabled uBPm. Once M moved out, he and I had several heart-to-hearts and have done a lot of work. He has apologized for not being there to protect me from M and has sought to make amends. He is on his own journey of healing. He has also been my biggest champion as I continue on my healing journey.

My sister, however, took a different approach. She utterly condemned me and F for abandoning M. M eventually bought a house in Sis's neighborhood (I wish them much joy together!  ). Anyhow, after multiple years of on-again, off-again chats with me, Sis finally decided about 14 months ago that I was too toxic for her and her family and basically went no contact with me. This made me quite sad. Apart from this whole kerfluffle with M, I really like her. And I like my kids to be able to spend time with their cousins.

Well, today, out of the blue, she texted me to ask if we could talk. According to my F (who she is still cordial with b/c she wants her kids to know their grandpa), she has told him that she has grown sick of dealing with M and had the epiphany that M has systematically taken over all of Sis's attention. Again, this is secondhand, but apparently Sis told M that Sis is not responsible for the fact that M's relationship with me and F fell apart. F says he thinks Sis (who previously dismissed my account of the emotional and physical abuse I suffered at the hands of M) genuinely wants to hear why I went NC. However, what Sis doesn't know is that my M also sexually abused me.

Anyhow, I am torn about what to do. I love my sister and her kids and want them in my life and I want to be in their's. But I also don't trust her after some of the nasty things she has told me and the way she has dismissed me when jumping to M's defense. She has never reached out before to ask to actually talk (it has always been her acting as a proxy for M to heap more abuse on me--usually in the form of texts so she can show them to M to prove her loyalty (I suspect)). This feels different to me, but I don't know.

What do y'all think?

I want to echo DD. I am by no means recovered, but the community here is one of the best supports I know of.

Like you, I have a undiagnosed BPD family member. Unfortunately, she (my mother) was my abuser. I get the BPD thing. It can be hard. Lots more on that if you are interested.

If you want more info on C-PTSD, I can think of no better resource than Pete Walker's Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma. I bought a hard copy as a reference and listened to the audio book. That book helped me know myself so much better and helped me not feel so alone.

Hang in there. Proud of you for working on getting the help you need. We are here to support you. If safe, here is a 

Hey everyone,

My psychiatrist has me on Prazozin to help me sleep through the night (I often wake up at 2 or 3 in the morning in a rush of adrenaline; sometimes I remember the nightmares). It has worked SUPER well. I sleep through the night now and I am having fewer nightmares. Last night I forgot to take my prazozin and was wide awake at 1:30 unable to return to sleep. I have been sitting bolt upright in a chair in my living room for the past several hours dissociating to YouTube videos trying to relax. This seems worse than before I got on the Prazozin. I will talk about it with my psychiatrist at my next appointment, but wondered for now about other people's experiences (whether with Prazozin or not). 

Thanks to all of you!

NarcKiddo--sorry for any confusion. The stuff with my mother was me flashbacking to when I was a kid. I wrote it how it felt--like the past coming into the present in a confusing and painful way. Thankfully, I have not had contact with her for a few weeks shy of four years.