Messages

Saluki,

Thanks so much for the encouragement! I have an appointment with my psychiatrist today as well. I always get so anxious that she is going to try to have me institutionalized. And I still have to work all day until that appointment.

Dolly,

Thanks! I am definitely a flight type. So, the icr has many running scared from anything that smells like intimacy. I learned early on that I could not be vulnerable because whatever I said could and would be used against me later. I have long isolated and have very few friends that are on the inside, so to speak. The icr has generally accepted them in the past given their long track record of genuine love and affection for me. But he is jumping at shadows now (which means I am jumping at shadows) and I don't entirely know why.

Kizzie,

That is an interesting thought! In my last session, my T talked to the icr for awhile with adult me as the intermediary. He seemed to warm up to her some. But, after I left, he instantly regretted all of the vulnerability and sharing he did. He is expecting the other shoe to drop, to find out I've been had. In IFS language, my manager and my icr are merged. That is, my manager mostly helps me avoid danger my pointing out all of my flaws and suggesting ways to mitigate my inevitable failures. It is all on me.

Slowing down may be the right call. When I visualize the icr, he seems to be running backwards, trying to find a solid wall to rest against where he knows nothing will get him from behind. He is frantic. My manager tries so hard to keep me out of danger because he is especially critical of the actions generally taken by the firefighter when stuff gets tough. My firefighter mostly suggests alcohol, YouTube videos of various sorts, or food to soothe me. If I have stumbled into a situation where conflict is inevitable and I can't escape, however, the firefighter takes over and I become either ingratiating (fawn) or, more commonly, verbally dominant (fight).

A couple of other factors: 1) I stopped consuming alcohol about three months ago. 2) I am a teacher and we just started back at work after the summer holiday. I expect things to settle down sooner or later.

My icr has lately been doing a lot of the driving. He is feeling very protective and trying to defend me from any potential threat. Unfortunately, his ways of doing this is to flip on the anxiety around situations that have hitherto been no big deal. And each time I let him get his way, things calm down for a bit. But then he goes after something else.

Lately he has been systematically isolating me. He continuously suggests that my friends actually dislike me or my wife just married me for pity. He has also suggested that my young children will reject me just as soon as they get to know me better with older brains. He would like me to quit my job to protect myself from those relationships, but that is a non-starter. I need to work in order to pay the bills. He is ingeniously suggesting ways to isolate from people at work--just in case.

Problem is, I am too tired to argue with him. To resist. To reason with him. I have written an inner dialogue with him over on the recovery journal thread. It is like that nearly all the time. I feel like I have a little terrorist living in my brain. And when he doesn't get what he wants he can be so vindictive.

I don't know what to do. Part of the problem is that I at least half believe the doom and gloom scenarios he paints for me. My T says I should figure out what he really wants. She thinks I need to give him a new job where he can continue to protect me without being a jerk. I have no idea how to do that right now.

Moving alone to a cabin in the woods sounds nice, but I know the icr will just blast me for abandoning my responsibilities. It really is a darned if you do and a darned if you don't sort of situation with him.

Thanks for reading!

Please see my original post for my caveats and background information. Important for this post: I teach high school students in my day job. This dialogue is with my 13 yr old inner child who is usually HIGHLY critical and exceptionally vigilant in an effort to protect us.

As above, all names and identifying details have been fictionalized.

***

Inner Child (IC): We are going to be accused of misusing school property!

Inner Adult (IA): Whoah! That sounds terrible. What makes you think so?

IC: Supervisor told us today that he saw some social media posts which we had filmed from our office.

IA: Gotcha. Is that all he said?

IC: No. He also told us that he didn't know if having our office as a background was a problem or not. So he suggested we talk to Principal to make sure.

IA: Ok. Did you talk to Principal?

IC: NO! THAT would be crazy.

IA: Why? Principal is a nice person who told us in our last one-on-one meeting that he wants us to apply for the promotion and thinks we are great.

IC: Well, he didn't know about our social media adventures did he?

IA: Umm. I don't know, actually. It isn't like we keep our social media accounts under a rock. They are publicly viewable on purpose, right?

IC: Oh yeah . . .

IA: We made them public in order to provide educational content, right? We want to help others out there.

IC: Yeah, but we violated school policy big time by filming posts from our office!

IA: Did we? Supervisor wasn't sure and suggested we check with Principal to find out.

IC: We CANNOT let Principal find out. He will fire us.

IA: Well, he actually can't fire us. There is a board for that, though he can recommend our firing. But more importantly, do you think Supervisor would recommend we consult Principal if our actions merited firing? Wouldn't he report us to Principal and HR?

IC: Maybe. But Supervisor is a nice person and probably wants us to take action to eliminate the threat. This is probably a subtle warning from Supervisor to clean up our act!

IA: That seems very convoluted to me. What makes you think Supervisor would communicate in such a roundabout way?

IC: Because he knows he can't say something obvious without also reporting it, so he wants us to get the hint so he doesn't have to report it.

IA: Gotcha. Is this how Supervisor normally behaves? Does he usually beat around the bush or otherwise speak in code?

IC: Not usually. But if ever there was a time, this would be it!

IA: Why? Does he usually cover for teachers who commit firing offenses?

IC: Um. No. He was the one who reported Bad Person several years ago.

IA: Exactly! So, maybe he actually thinks you should consult with Principal in order to get guidance.

IC: Ok. Maybe that is true. But I suspect he doesn't actually know the policy then. Principal will definitely have us fired if he finds out.

IA: So which policy have we broken? Did you consult the Employee Manual?

IC: Well, I have looked at last year's manual, but this year's manual hasn't been released yet.

IA: What does last year's manual say about school property appearing in Social Media posts?

IC: It doesn't say anything directly.

IA: Gotcha. So, maybe Supervisor does know the policy and is uncertain? And wants you to check with Principal so we can gain clarity?

IC: Maybe, but I am SURE this year's manual will make social media posts with school property in them a firing offense.

IA: Even if that is true, would we be fired for something we were unaware of? I mean, if it is in the new manual and we made the posts last year without knowledge of the new manual, will we be fired? That doesn't seem fair.

IC: I guess not.

IA: So, how should we figure out what to do?

IC: Delete our social media accounts and pray nothing was screenshotted!!

IA: But that won't give you clarity, will it?

IC: No, but if Principal knew, we would already be fired. But we aren't fired, so he must not know. If we delete our accounts now, then Principal will never know.

IA: That may be true. But I think you will lose out on a couple of important things that way.

IC: Like what?

IA: Well, you will lose the opportunity to work on a real relationship with Principal. If you don't seek clarity, you will always think of him as ready to fire us at a moment's notice. But if you take the risk and ask, we gain the opportunity to be guided and to grow in our relational skills.

IC: But that sounds scary!!

IA: It is scary! And you have done such a great job in the past protecting us from being hurt by Mom. But she was nuts and had no idea that there could be anything less than perfection. We have learned, haven't we, to accept "Good Enough" in a number of areas, right? Can you think of any?

IC: We have accepted (mostly) being a "good enough" Dad and a "good enough" husband and a "good enough friend."

IA: Right! Can we risk being a "good enough" employee?

IC: I don't know. Our paycheck is on the line.

IA: Sure, but you can't let the financial threat be used as blackmail. If Principal really would recommend we be fired for those social media posts, and the board went along with it, then we would need to RUN as far away as possible from that school. It would be a bad place for us anyway. Haven't we learned how important it is to actually value ourself? To accept in our employment only what we are actually worth? To insist on just treatment? To push back against bullies?

IC: Yes. YES! I think you're right? We can't let ourselves be dominated by bullies. Not anymore.

IA: Right. So either Principal is a bully (which I highly doubt) and we need to walk away, or he is a reasonable person who will provide us clarity, just like Supervisor suggested.

IC: Ok. Makes sense. One problem: I already deleted our Social Media accounts.

IA: I know. But you should still talk to Principal. Whether or not you ever post on social media again, we will still gain a lot from having an honest conversation about it with Principal.

IC: You aren't mad at me for rashly deleting those accounts?

IA: Not at all! I get it.

IC: But I still feel nervous about talking to Principal. Not because I genuinely think he will fire us, but because that kind of vulnerability is difficult for us.

IA: I know. And you certainly don't have to. I am NOT pressuring you. I get it. Take it slow. We can't make these changes all at once. I just don't want us to have to live in the existential dread.

IC: Makes sense! Thank you! I love you!

IA: I love you too buddy!

DD--Thanks! I feel brave!

Kizzie,

No, I haven't. He has made it perfectly clear that he never wants to discuss our childhood experiences of her. He actually became a priest and took a vow of celibacy, I assume in part to avoid romantic entanglements. He is very quiet and soft spoken, but the one thing that makes him truly angry is mentioning the sex abuse scandal in the Catholic Church. He once told me that God designed hel specifically for those priests that abused those kids and for those priests, bishops, and church authorities that covered it up. He is not close to our M or our sister really. He keeps very busy and to himself. I may try again after M finally dies, but right now we are cordial and that is good enough for me.

Typically, EFs don't involve an actual vision of the predator, just a feeling which can centre around the gut. So maybe, in the absence of obvious physical stimuli, the brain concludes there could be a poison and tries to expel it.

I like this a lot. My psychiatrist also told me that a lot of neurotransmitters are present in great quantities in the gut. For example, 90% of the body's serotonin is in the gut.

Well, I went ahead and texted her something very general about me experiencing sexual abuse by my M when I was a kid. She replied that, basically, she doesn't wish false accusations on anyone and so she won't be able to be around me or my kids so I don't falsely accuse her!

She has since sent me a demand for proof and a demand to know why I haven't pressed criminal charges if the assaults actually happened. She officially moved the goal posts from "you need to give me your reasons for NC or we can't have a relationship" to "you need to submit proof of your claims of sexual abuse or we can't have a relationship." I think I learned my lesson.

Final communication from her before I blocked her was that she had informed my M of my accusations and M did not respond like someone who had done something like that! Therefore, I must be wrong. She called my claims "ludicrous." Good riddance. Right now I am too angry to be sad. But the sadness will come. If nothing else, I have learned the hard way not to trust my FOO at all.

I am just reeling. She has said nasty stuff to me before, but I never expected such venom! She must be feeling really threatened. I expect she will try to broadcast this to the rest of the extended family, esp. my brother. But if my suspicions about my brother are correct (I think he was also sexually abused by M), then this may actually prompt him to reach out or to get help.

Anyhow, I am currently reminding myself that I am a completely independent grown man with my own family, friends, house, and job. There is nothing they can do to me anymore.

Yes, she told me it is especially common for survivors of SA. I definitely think I lucked out with this T.

Thanks Kizzie!

My T today told me that wretching/dry heaves are to be expected as I actually face my EFs instead of numbing myself.

I'm not sure where to put this note. But, lately, I can get deep into an emotional flashback (I am letting it happen, not fighting it, being in my body, checking in with my IC, etc) when I have an overwhelming urge to vomit. I do so and the EF ends more or less. It isn't vomit like stomach bug vomit. Like, I am not emptying the contents of my stomach (so sorry to be this graphic), just heaving some stuff from the top. I have an appointment with my T tomorrow and my psychiatrist at the end of the month and will talk to them, but wanted to know if anyone had a similar experience.

I journal some with an actual pen and paper, but that can feel so lonely. Lately I've really gotten taken with the idea (inspired by Patrick Teahan's excellent YouTube channel) of writing out dialogues between my inner child and my inner adult. It is really important, at least for me, to identify both the child and the adult as being "inner." In the past I have thought of myself as the adult and my inner child as a previous me. But that isn't the case at all. Both are truly me in the present. Anyway, I want to use this journal to write my dialogues. I am writing this here and not in a private paper journal or in a document on my computer because having readers a) helps remind me that all of this is real and not just some figment of my imagination and b) helps me feel safer because I am around others I trust.

A couple of bits of information that will help with context:
-I am male, straight, married to a woman, and have three young kids
-My abuser was my mother who has undiagnosed BPD.
-I was physically abused, sexually abused, and very VERY emotionally abused (the SA became covert incest when I got a bit older)
-My inner child is primarily 10 years old. I will specify when he is some other age.

Final caveat: all names and identifying details have been fictionalized.

Here is my inaugural dialogue:

* * *

Inner Child (IC): Oh no! We are going to get in SO MUCH trouble.

Inner Adult (IA): Hey buddy. Woah. What's going on?

IC: We made an inappropriate comment around some colleagues and now we are going to be fired!

IA: Gotcha. Wow, that does sound scary. Can you tell me more about it?

IC: We told a story about using the bathroom when we were a kid and Sarah made a disgusted face and said "TMI."

IA: Oh man, I am so sorry that happened. How did that make you feel?

IC: That story was inappropriate and Bill is going to fire us! I am sure HR is already processing a sexual harassment claim against us.

IA: That sounds super scary! Do you mind telling me how Sarah's reaction made you feel, though? I realize you are scared Bill will fire us or HR will discipline us, but do you mind if we talk about us for a second?

IC: What's the point? Everyone knows we are disgusting and gross. I feel like I am a gross excuse for a human being, that I am the kind of thing people wrinkle their nose at. Which is why HR would be justified in taking action or Bill would be justified in firing us.

IA: You are NOT disgusting! You are a beautiful and wonderful boy with a lot to share with others. I love you exactly as you are.

IC: Yeah right. Mom always says we are gross, that no one can love us but her.

IA: I understand that Mom told us that kind of thing, but I think Mom was wrong about that. Can I remind you of something? We married a wonderful, beautiful woman who delights in us. We have three wonderful kids who love spending time with us. They even fight over who gets to sit next to us! We have a fantastic father who is so, so proud of us. The only person who ever suggested we were gross was Mom. And we both know Mom has her problems.

IC: I know, I know. But did you see Sarah's face? She averted her eyes and grimaced and laughed a nervous little laugh while saying "TMI!"

IA: I know, I know. But what was Sarah reacting to?

IC: ME!!!

IA: But she didn't react that way until we told the story, right?

IC: I guess.

IA: And she didn't react that way once the moment had passed, right?

IC: Yeah.

IA: So what was she reacting to?

IC: The story I guess.

IA: I think so. She had a little reaction to a bit of potty humor. Lot's of people don't like potty humor. But that doesn't mean she is disgusted with you! And, to top it off, we don't even know if she was disgusted. She didn't say so.

IC: Then why does it feel like she is disgusted by me?

IA: I think it is because we learned to be disgusted with ourselves, to find ourselves loathsome. And we both know who taught us that!

IC: But what if she really was offended and goes to Bill or HR?

IA: Can we cross that bridge when we get there? Have you ever known Sarah to not address a problem with you directly if she had one? Have you ever known Bill to fire anyone for something so minor?

IC: No, I guess not. But you never know!

IA: True, we can't know for sure  how other people feel, what they think, or how they will behave. But we can choose to live our lives consistent with what we know to be true about ourselves.

IC: I understand, but I really feel like texting Sarah to apologize!

IA: Are you trying to see if she is upset with you?

IC: YES! That way, I can know what to expect.

IA: If Sarah is upset with you and holds a grudge or bitterness toward you but refuses to address it with you, then that is a problem with her, not you. Is your conscience clear?

IC: Yes. I wasn't trying to do or say anything off color. I just was telling a story from our childhood.

IA: Right! Do you think you might be more circumspect in the future where Sarah is concerned?

IC: Of course! I don't want her to feel uncomfortable.

IA: Then, I see no reason to discuss the matter further with her or anyone else unless she reaches out. In the unlikely case that she is offended, then that is on her to bring up, not you.

IC: But I am still nervous!

IA: Of course! But now we have the opportunity to manage those nerves, to practice self-love and acceptance. I love you and our wife loves you and our kids love you and our father loves you! And God loves you too, just the way you are! HUG!!!!

Thanks! I hopped back on the next night and all was fine.

Thank you all. Her last message before I blocked her was that she had revealed my claims to M who did not react like a person who is guilty, so it must mean that my claims are ludicrous. I never expected such venom from her even if she has said other hurtful things in the past. Anyhow, NOT MY CIRCUS, NOT MY MONKEYS. I feel free.

Well, my sister replied that while not dismissing what happened to me, she doesn't want to be around me or my kids so she won't be falsely accused of sexual abuse.

Thanks everyone. I just sent her a text with my disclosure. Thank you all so much for your support!