I Still Hear Her Voice *TW (Mentions of Suicide, EA, PA, SA)

[gcj07a]

I am convinced my M has undiagnosed BPD.

I've recently started doing work with my T to address the inner critic and boy has she reared her ugly head. Though I also experienced plenty of CSA and some PA, the EA might be the deepest and most difficult thing to deal with. It wasn't just that she molested me or beat me, but that she explained that she did those things because I was disgusting. And she would then apologize and offer to kill herself if I preferred to not have her as a mother.

I had to massage her feet every night. I had to massage her back every night. I had to pack her lunch for work for her. She was a teacher (God save her students) and I was often tasked to grade their papers. When she was in one of her "get healthy" moods, I was jolted out of bed at 5am to go for a walk with her no matter what else I had going on.

I never did anything correctly even if I did it in exactly the way she instructed me to. There was always a flaw. I never measured up because I was just as useless as my father. I was never clean enough for her and was forced to scrub myself over and over and over and over again. She told me that Jesus was disappointed in me for not loving her well. I was going to go to hel l for dishonoring my mother.

In my adulthood, when she began to suffer from more medical issues, she always seemed to find herself in a crisis when Dad was traveling for business. And, being trapped in the FOG, I would come to her house to take care of her for a couple of days, all of this despite that she lived 4 hours away and I had a job, a wife, and young kids. My wife was gracious to allow me to go, but I should never have been put in a position where I was forced to choose between remaining with my family or giving her the kind of reassurance she felt like she needed. And I don't know if she felt guilt for the way she treated me, but she would often hand out large amounts of money on these occasions. Wanting to believe the best of her, I took the money as an apology of sorts. Of course, as I left, she would make comments about maybe not being alive for my next visit. And I would secretly pray that she would be dead when I came back, that she would screw up the alcohol and opioid combination she was on. And then I would INSTANTLY berate myself for even thinking such a thing.

Anyhow, my internal critic sounds JUST LIKE HER. And in times of stress or during a flashback, her rage-filled or manipulative voice fills my mind. I am worthless. I am crap. I am disgusting. I can't do anything right. I will never amount to anything. I am a horrible son/father/husband/friend/coworker, etc. What will I do without her voice to guide me?

As I have been trying to deal with the inner critic, she has made absolutely clear that she is strong and powerful and will not easily be dislodged. I feel so discouraged and want to give up, to go back to drinking way too much whiskey, to zoning out to reruns of Friends over and over again, to dig a hole and crawl in. But I WON'T! Not because of shame or guilt, but because I have a RIGHT to a life of joy and peace. I didn't start this fight, but by God I am going to finish it.

Anyhow, writing all of this out really helped. I needed to externalize this. Thanks for this community that is always here.

[Kizzie]

I'm sorry I missed this GCJ.  It really is powerful especially the quote below, and I find myself wanting to cheer you on.  Our little emoji will have to do 

I didn't start this fight, but by God I am going to finish it.

My T and I were talking last session about my M who has terminal cancer and she said in her 20 years she has not met anyone who was abused who did not wish their parent dead. And that FOG is so hard to get away from without feeling a lot of shame and guilt.  It's only when we realize it's a tactic and not something we deserve or have to stay stuck in that we can shift out of it.  Lots of members here doing the same thing so you are in good company!

I'm sorry, I have to run now but I wanted to acknowledge all that you shared in your post. Hope a    is OK.

[gcj07a]

Thanks Kizzie. Much appreciated.

[Kizzie]

You are welcome 

[Saluki]

Hey Gcj,
Sending you so much empathy.
I have a very disturbed mother too and I know what a difficult struggle it is.
I had to move house and not tell her where I live in the end. But her voice is with me all day, every day. The flashbacks the nightmares the memories. Can't seem to live fully in the now. Her voice is poison and by gd I hate her as she hates me: so why the guilt and shame on wishing her dead, just like she threatened, over and over (and of course, denied it.)
FOG was my life.
I'm very proud of you for not giving up. Me neither. Therapy assessment today. I'm scared!
And whilst I'm angry on your behalf that you have to be here, because of what you suffered, I am very grateful you posted. It's reassuring to feel we have company in our awful experiences: that we're not alone in the one person who is traditionally supposed to love us unconditionally, to nurture us, did the opposite.
Sending you lots of care.
PS I binge watch too.

[gcj07a]

Saluki,

Thanks so much for the encouragement! I have an appointment with my psychiatrist today as well. I always get so anxious that she is going to try to have me institutionalized. And I still have to work all day until that appointment.