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I'm feeling terribly insecure and unsafe today. I guess that's child me, and was probably triggered by the last-minute visit yesterday morning by my (half) sister, her kids and her mother. Nothing bad happened, it was fine, nice, blah blah, but it always brings stuff up. My sister always waits until the last minute to call me up and say "Hey, we're going to be in your area on our way to______, are you around?" And I always resent being an after thought but I suck it up and say Yes and the visit is always pleasant and it always kind of hollows out my soul just a little bit. Her mother (my stepmother) being along was rather a shock, I haven't seen her in probably five years. Lots of complicated history. I tend to shut out that particular set of pains, not really even let myself know it's there at all, I mean, jeez, it didn't even occur to me that might be why I woke up feeling so defeated and gloomy this morning until I talked almost my whole session with my therapist about other things before even quite remembering the visit happened.

I hear you, Bermuda.  I am listening and caring.

Could I be added too, please?

Thank you for acknowledging me, Blueberry, Kizzie and NarcKiddo.  I suppose this is triggering my issues around not belonging/being left out, especially because I read here more than I write.

this whole thing is kinda freaking me out 

That's evil, NK.  I hurt for you, reading that. 

Sometimes I wonder if there is actually a me

It's interesting that you would say that, NK.  Five or six years ago, I had a realisation that I have very little self.  Left on my own, there's very little that I think or do or want for myself.  I never really do much of anything unless someone else wants or expects me to.  The only thing that motivates me is the possibility of approval from someone else, and I pretty much spend my life waiting around for someone to want or need something from me, feeling (alive? real?) until I've fulfilled that, and then going back to waiting.  I have not figured out what to do with that.  Still, though, you say you're not sure whether you really like what you like, or whether you only like it because you're expected to, and I wouldn't say I feel that way at all.  I'm good at being interested in things that people around me are interested in, which serves me well in my job, but there are definitely things in my life that I like or love in ways that feel genuinely that they belong to me.  That feels important and valuable, but I'm not really sure what to do with that, either.

I think I have figured out why sometimes I find myself thinking "I hate my life" and then thinking "No, how can I say that? My life is full of good things that I love!  I love my life!"  and knowing, really knowing it with no toxic positivity involved, and not understanding why I can't feel it.  Today it occurred to me that it might be because my unconscious assumption is that the phrase "my life" describes what can be seen from the outside, i.e., all the "things" in my life that I like, such as my house, my garden, my partner, my job, my pet, the town I live in, my comfort things, etc., and discounts the shadow life inside me being lived by my perpetually confused nervous system.

I'm so proud of you for not only standing firm in your refusal to go to the party but also being honest about why! As a freelance/contract worker I usually hide behind "big deadline" (whether I have one or not) and always wish I did not feel that I have to lie.

This morning in therapy I was reminded of how I used to wake up My Person in the middle of the night freaking out and crying about nothing in particularly that I could identify.  I would would wake up formlessly distressed and he would be asleep and I would cry with hot tears rolling down my face, trying not to make any noise because I didn't want to wake him, and then I would wake him because I would be freaking out just from the strain of trying so hard not to.  I don't think I noticed that every time that happened it was following a visit with my mother until one night that happened, and while he was comforting me, I asked why he was comforting me and why he wasn't angry about being woken up in the middle of the night to deal with  my hysterics.  He said "It's okay.  I understand.  And I kind of knew it was going to happen, because it happens every time you visit your mother."  That confused me, because it was at a time when I thought that I had learned how to get along with her and have a pleasant time when I visited, and I thought I genuinely enjoyed those visits.  That was, of course, years before I knew anything about any scorekeeping bodies.  It all makes sense now, though.  After the freaking out in the middle of the night phase came the self-destructive bingeing myself sick phase.  It took me way more years than it should have to notice that, too.

I'm going to have to visit her in September when my brother and nephew are here from Australia.  I've got to start preparing myself for that now.  Maybe make a list of things I need to be on guard for, stupid careless little things like last time when I forgot to bring a suitable snack to the beach with me and then forgot to shower after going in the ocean on a very hot day because I was so eager to escape that accursed house, which resulted in a dizzy, scary drive home that featured sitting in my car with the air conditioner on for at least half an hour drinking bottled water at a rest stop.  My brain doesn't really work very well at that house. 
 

It is the worst part of all of this.  I hate it so much and am filled with anger and resentment that it has to be this way.  I've worked so hard for so long to have a good life and enjoy, and it's just not fair.  The injustice never ends!

Thinking of you, Not Alone 

In truth the only reason these things go as well as they do for me, these days, is because I have some measure of control over my reactions. I am able to see when I am starting to struggle and stop the rot before it gets worse.

You cannot ever let your guard down with an NM regardless of their being on "good behaviour."  I've made that mistake far too many times!  Well done on getting through it and not getting sucked in   

I relate to what you said about not being active on the forum because you're afraid of not making sense or of things not coming out right.  It's very hard when words don't cooperate.

Thinking of you   

Moondance, NarcKiddo, rainy, san, Armee, Hope, thank you for your thoughts and hugs and support.  I've been thinking that this has been a very hard summer, but it occurred to me that the height of summer in general is often a bad time for me.  Some of it is the weather, but a lot of it is childhood memories.  Just like everything else in my life. 

I had a couple of good days earlier this week.  I keep reminding myself of that as proof that it's still possible.  Also on the good side, Other has been very sweet lately, and my mother hasn't been in touch.  What do I have to complain about, really?  Not much.  My life, objectively, is pretty good.  I see that and I appreciate it, but sometimes I am just furious about how often all the stupid crap from 50 years ago hanging around in my nervous system stops me from enjoying it.