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Messages - Bach

#1
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
February 07, 2025, 03:17:15 PM
Quote from: SenseOrgan on February 07, 2025, 08:18:53 AMHi Bach, just barging in here... Functioning well despite feeling garbage feels a bit like magic, doesn't it? I've had a few of those days too here and there. It's really empowering that feeling like garbage does not have the last say in everything!  :cheer:

It does feel like magic!  If I could do that every day, I'd really have something going on here.
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
February 06, 2025, 03:28:50 AM
I functioned very well today despite feeling like garbage. That's something to take hope from and build on.
#3
Checking Out / Re: Not Alone Occasional Posts
January 25, 2025, 01:10:37 AM
 :hug:  :hug:  :hug:
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
January 24, 2025, 01:16:31 AM
I was very depressed for about 5 months.  Then I started feeling better around mid-December and I was really conscious of and grateful for getting a break from my intrusive death-wishing thoughts.  But in the last few days, without much of anything external changing, those thoughts have come back strong and it's painful again to be conscious.  I don't know why or how to fix it.  Unless it really is because of the swimming pool being closed.  I'm not sure if the lift in my mood coincided with when I started going to the pool regularly, but it may have.  I suppose I could try doing some other kind of exercise until the pool reopens, but it's really hard because swimming is the only thing that doesn't hurt. 
#5
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
January 19, 2025, 10:55:27 PM
I'm so tired of myself.  Why can't I just be the person I want to be?
#6
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
January 09, 2025, 10:33:39 PM
Today is the third straight day of blustery cold winds.  My house is not particularly cold or drafty, but wind around my house makes NOISE.  It sounds like thunder.  Or war!  Between that and the reports of the fires in California and my heightened emotional state from all this intense unexpected ongoing dialogue with Other, I am wildly overstimulated, on high alert.  I get so tired of being afraid all the time!
#7
The Cafe / Re: Good Things Christmas thread
December 20, 2024, 03:02:26 AM
In 2019 I went to England to spend Christmas with my very special friend Penny.  She and her whole family, immediate and extended, were wonderful to me.  They included me in all their holiday traditions, gave me presents, and generally made me feel completely happy and welcome and wanted.  I wish I could spend every Christmas like that!
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
December 19, 2024, 03:58:57 PM
Thank you for the replies, friends.  My efforts to stay off from Facebook have been semi-successful.  For the first several days, I didn't have any problem staying away, and I felt great relief.  But then I started going there again, first only once a day popping on to see if I had any notifications, then leaving right away.  After a few days of that, I started scrolling again, just a little, and not clicking any links.  Once a day became twice a day, just a little scrolling became just a little more scrolling.  This morning, I clicked a link.  Now I'm fighting the urge to give in and lose myself in it.  Exactly like an addictive drug.  Scary!  I feel particularly bemused remembering how resistant I was in the beginning to even sign up for an account, and how I finally did sign up because my 25-years-younger half-sister who I barely knew encouraged me to, and I thought it would be a way to develop a relationship with her.  Not to mention that the online communities I was part of started dying because everyone was leaving for Facebook.  Now 15 years later, I still don't have much of a relationship with the sister, communities on Facebook are far too large and scattered for me to feel comfortable in, and it seems that I'm hooked on hurting myself mentally by hanging around on the periphery of everything looking for I don't even know what and getting anxious and dismayed both by the world I see there and the reflection of my isolated self. 

I long for connection.  But I cannot sustain it.  It's too scary.  The more I like someone and want to interact with them, the more afraid I get to even try.  I am not well, not well at all.

In other issues, my self-harm scars have started itching lately.  I desperately regret them.  Along with everything else I've ever not done, or done wrong.  I am not well, not well at all.  But I said that already, didn't I.
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
December 06, 2024, 02:33:12 AM
I need to stop looking at Facebook because every time I do, two things happen.  One is that I end up endlessly scrolling, clicking on stupid crap that might interest or entertain me for a few seconds but is ultimately just a waste of my time.  The other is that I see things that upset or scare me and then I have to put a lot of effort (and sometimes klonopin) into fending them off.  I really need to find distractions that are more productive, or, at least, less toxic.
#10
I love him!  You are so talented  :hug:
#11
I'm so happy for you, congratulations!  :applause:
#12
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
November 06, 2024, 07:54:04 PM
I wish I wasn't so afraid of death.  Not so I could die right now or anything, but just so I could feel like there will be a way out some day.  Sort of like how having a bottle of klonopin handy makes it easier to tolerate my anxiety without actually taking it. I feel so trapped between the often intolerable pain of life, and the fear of death.  I think life would hurt less if I didn't feel stuck here.

#13
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
October 30, 2024, 03:24:45 PM
Armee  :hug:

I'm glad that most of my conversations with my mother take place over text these days.  That way if I ever doubt myself, all I have to do is look back in my message history to know that I'm not the crazy one. 
#14
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
October 30, 2024, 03:18:11 PM
Friends, thank you as always, for your replies, for being here, for telling me things I need to hear even though they make me uncomfortable and make me want to argue with them.  Chart, I have heard of the Sedona method and looked it up a year or two ago, but I didn't really understand it.  Reading your journal post about it didn't clear it up, but san said something above that seems to be along the same lines:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on October 30, 2024, 02:21:26 PM...i've sometimes decided to simply wallow in the thoughts - no matter what they were or who they were about - and it's helped calm the rough edges to the messages, and sometimes to even disappear them, at least for a while.  it seemed the more i fought against it, the harder they'd hit me.

I found a website about the Sedona method that I'm going to dig into later when I have more time, see what's up with that and if there's anything there that can help me.

This morning I was thinking about the lesson that I hope I've learned from this most recent run-in with my mother's irredeemable horribleness; to never tell her anything about my health until after it's over, if even then.  I don't know why I felt I needed my mother's attention that day that test that was no big deal suddenly became kind of a big deal, but wow did I pay for that little bit of motherly whatever it was, which wasn't even that good when I got it. 

I paid three times:  The first time, when I thought back on the supposedly nurturing conversation I'd had with her and noticed the barbs hiding among the ersatz concern.  The second time a week later, two weeks before the procedure and well into the "not worrying about it for now", phase when she popped off an enquiry as to how I was "coping with waiting" for the procedure after some fun casual texting about the baseball playoffs.  And then, of course, the day after the procedure.  That was the toxic dose, coming as it did when I was in a weakened state and vulnerable.  Maybe the lesson I need to learn here is bigger than just "don't tell her about my health".  Maybe the real lesson is "NO.  You do NOT need that woman's attention."

#15
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
October 29, 2024, 08:25:30 PM
Aphotic, san and Chart, as always, thank you for your replies.  I agree with all of you that I do deserve to be healthy and whole, and that my mother's desire for me to be sick or dead is her own evil illness and does not make me an unworthy person.  The problem is, I cannot figure out how to get out from under the shadow of this wish of hers.  I already know all the "whys".  I already know that my mother is a very twisted individual, she is bad and wrong and a narcissistic sociopath and none of it was my fault.  But I guess deep down some part of me doesn't believe it, and I haven't found a way to convince it.  IS there a way?  That's the $64 million dollar question.