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I'm having a genuine existential crisis feeling like I finally understand what all the key problems in my life are and where they came from, and having to deal with the fact that even all that hard-won knowledge doesn't give me the first dang clue about how to solve them.  I feel lost and hopeless and like it's time for me to accept that it's too late to fix this chronic mental pain.  There is no way to keep from having part of me always somewhere else, wanting something else, yearning underneath all the motions of wellness I go through for something that can never be. 

I hear that 

The thing about dealing with my mother is that she brings me right down to her own level. It's my own damn fault that I give her the opportunity to say things like "repress your resentments". I may not have been CONSCIOUSLY looking for opportunities to air my resentments, but underneath it all those resentments are SEETHING, ready to burst forth at the least whiff of the slightest implication of "My sufferings are more challenging  and important than anyone's but especially YOURS" in anything she says. Even if that implication is there, do I have to react to it? It doesn't hurt anyone but me!

Also: I'm craving her like a bad drug again. I hate this feeling. Of all the feelings, I think I hate this one the most 

Dealing with my mother still messes me up, but not as badly as it used to.  I still get all the same symptoms and act out in all the same ways, just a little more moderately now.  So that's fine, but I feel really out of touch with myself, unable to be present, unable to do anything except struggle through, internally lost in the world of my 8 or 9 year old self who was just starting to understand that something was very, very wrong.

I have so many things I wish I could write about, but words don't come.  Or they do, and they make me hate myself.

Sending love and good thoughts 

Yesterday, my mother texted me.  I hadn't heard from her since the 25th of August, after a spate of contact over about a week and half, first concerning her discovery that there were bats in her house (I know, the jokes write themselves), and then various other dramas that I resisted being drawn too far into.  When I saw her text I was wondered if she was going to ask something of me, but I think she was just feeling lonely and wanted someone to talk to.  Stil though even in a casual conversation, she could not help but push my buttons.  When I pushed back a little bit, she came out with this gem:

It would be nice, if we are having a conversation, if you could repress your resentments. That way for whatever time I have left, we could be friends.

Gotta love it, right?  I told her that I'm never looking for opportunities to air my resentments (that was not true two years ago but is now) but that if she stirs them up I'm not going to repress them.  I said "You want to be friends?  Well, my friends don't say things that hurt me and then expect me to keep my mouth shut."  She defended herself and then tried to pick a fight but I fended that off, and she stopped responding.  I felt good about standing up for myself like that, but it still gave me a physical trauma reaction that left me feeling anxious and out of sorts, and before I really noticed it happening, I had binged three or four days worth of snacks.  That's a classic response of mine to being upset by my mother.  I know it happens and I should be able to stop it, but somehow I can't.  Or at least I couldn't yesterday. Now I am suffering the mental and physical discomfort that follows a binge, feeling hopeless and trapped and like no matter what I do nothing will ever change and I will never be able to live the comfortable and productive life that I dream of.  If I can take good enough care of myself today maybe I will feel better tomorrow.  That's my eternal refrain: Maybe I will feel better tomorrow.

I can't cry if I'm alone but crying in front of people makes me feel shame and fear and self-loathing. Even my therapist, even just on the phone.

Earlier in this journal I wrote about the inappropriate exposure to sex I was subjected to early in my life, and how I regret that I've spent my life focused on sex at the expense of everything else I did or wanted to do. That also makes me feel shame, fear and self-loathing. I spent my therapy session talking about that today. I started with my realisation that I always had a subconscious belief that my sexuality was my only real value and recounted most of my history with sex and relationships and heard how crazy it all sounds in that context. Thought about how yesterday I was happy because Other was texting me his desire all afternoon. I really don't even know who I am or why I'm here except for that.

Moondance 

I appreciate you all so much!    I have read and taken to heart all of your support and wisdom.  Thank you   

I realised today that my recent self-disgust and fragmented emotional state is probably the result of having had an unusually high level of social activity and interaction for the past few weeks.  It's frustrating and distressing to realise how taxing social activity is for me.  I'm always wishing that I wasn't so isolated, that I had friends in real life and not just in the computer, but dealing with people drains my energy and leaves me feeling awkward and uncomfortable with myself.  This is a huge problem.  Being isolated and feeling lonely is uncomfortable, interacting with people is uncomfortable.  I feel like I really just don't belong in this world.

Thank you for the hugs and kind words, friends   I was having a really bad mental health day yesterday. 

I hate myself. I really do. I'm so sick of my stubborn self-destructiveness and my inability to be a responsible parent to myself.

I'm so afraid that people won't like me anymore if they get to know me too well. It has happened so many times that the fear has probably become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I struggle with this too, Bermuda. It often stops me from communicating because everything I say feels false or attention-seeking or exaggerated even though it isn't.

Have a good break, Hope 

I don't WANT to be haunted by all my past selves! NO! What is this life for anyway?!?