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Hi Jdog - thank you so much - I appreciate you saying that very much - I've been thinking about you this week - as I know there have been some horrible fires in your local area - and I hope very much that you are ok.  I also hope that your wife is recuperating well. 

Hi Deep Blue - Yes, your words make a lot of sense to me - and thank you for sharing - and I think you're right, my friend wasn't judging - that is a good sign.  I am lucky to have some good friends.  I know that.    Thank you for your support - it means a lot. 

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Journal entry on 11th November 2018

I've found it quite emotional today - there are lots of articles and news items about the Remembrance Ceremonies - and it's very poignant in many ways.  I have got social stuff with the equivalent of my in-laws later today - and I feel like it's something I'd rather not have to do today - but I will go - and hopefully it will be ok. 

I had hoped to write more in the forum over the weekend, but I've not managed to do so - I was trying to think of how I could write about my 'inner parts' - and I am thinking that 'writing letters' to express their emotions and feelings might be a cathartic thing to do - but somehow I'm avoiding getting round to starting that. 

But I feel as if I might suddenly just 'write' - so if that happens, then I will no doubt do it.  Until then, I'll just take it as it comes. 

Hope 

Hi Libby,
Firstly, I just wanted to say that I've missed you - and I'm glad to see you here today -  to you.  I read what you wrote, and I saw you said that 'any feedback would be gratefully received' - so I wanted to reflect on what went through my mind as I read what you wrote - I am glad that you have 'been doing quite well' and you called that 'change' rather than 'recovery' - that makes sense to me - and I am glad that you have noticed some change.  I was also glad to hear that you felt that you were able to 'let go of a lot of guilt over nc' by contacting your parents and expressing your feelings to them.  I think that was a brave thing to have done. 

You spoke of some themes of 'denial' - and different levels of denial - and how this plays out in FOO, in-laws, and examples of your lovely dog too - and how that other owner didn't take responsibility for her part in what happened there.  I agree with you about levels of denial - I think they are quite prominent in many things - situations, scenarios, all kinds of things - and I've thought that people often are biased in terms of looking out for themselves (myself included) and then anything that doesn't fit with the perception can be minimised or denied - potentially.  When you spoke of the reaction of your parents when you phoned them, and how they acknowledged that how they had behaved had made them feel better - and of course, that was at the expensive of your feelings and your autonomy.  Denying your experience.  I felt sure that if I had contacted my FOO - that I would similarly have a response whereby they wouldn't take any responsibility for their behaviour - that seems very sad to me. 

I feel compassion for you when you say you question yourself and others, that you feel that you are a flawed individual and that you can see flaws in others.  I think you are sensitive to spotting what lies beneath denial - that you don't accept the sugary picture that can be portrayed by people - I often think of Enid Blyton at times like this, and how she wrote such carefree stories of Adventures and children having fun, and yet she had so many difficult things to deal with in her own personal life - and I wondered if maybe she dissociated into the fairytale land of writing to escape - to pretend that families were happy and content and enjoying Marmalade and Tea and cake.  Libby - the fact you are sensitive to seeing underneath these facades, and you can see the vulnerabilities in people and you feel them, I think it makes you a sensitive and more caring person - because if you didn't care, I doubt you'd feel these things and question what lies underneath denial.

Anyway, I hope you don't mind my writing so much - but you really made me think today - and what you wrote resonated strongly with me - and I just wanted to come over and give you some feedback on what you wrote - and how it made me feel - just a few reflections.

I wish you the best for the weekend, and I am happy to see you again Libby.  I hope you are able to go out walking with your lovely dog and that you have a good weekend.

Much love,
Hope 

Hi Deep Blue,
Sending you a heartfelt hug  - I also agree wholeheartedly that the shame belongs to your abuser.  You survived some terrible things - I wish I had more words.   
Hope 

Just wanted to say that I've finished reading this book - and am currently allowing my brain to settle and process in the background.  However, I do intend to start going through it chapter by chapter - and was wondering if maybe I should start that process in the section called 'Book Talk' and head the chapters appropriately - i.e. Chapter 1, then Chapter 2 so that there are separate threads, and then anyone who wanted to 'talk' or 'comment' on the relevant chapter - could do so.  I know there are a few of us reading it - i.e. Wattlebird and Boy22  and myself - and maybe others too.

I think we're all on different chapters - so maybe if any of us decide to comment on a chapter - that person could start the Chapter title (if it wasn't already done) - and the rest of us could then write in it.

I don't know - I am just putting this forward as a potential - my inner critic is telling me off for suggesting this - saying I am annoying, but I was just thinking that it would be great to be able to 'talk' about this book - and share our experiences of it.

I'm having a break today - in terms of focusing on relaxing and therefore not planning to do any self-help reading today. 

Hope 

Hi Sceal,
I would like to wish you a good trip and hope that you have an enjoyable vacation.   
Hope 

Hi Deep Blue,
I also concur strongly with the others that you are 'NOT' a bad client - I think it's most likely that parts of you don't yet feel ready to share - and they are protecting you - as they've protected you in the past - and that's because they have your back.  When the time feels right, and with appropriate prompting from your T - at a level that feels right to all parts of you - then hopefully you'll be comfortable to share some more - but in the meantime, I applaud you for the fact you're able to express your needs and pace yourself - I think that's brave - and I think you are wonderful, Deep Blue. 

Sending you a warm and loving hug 
Hope 

Hi SanMagic, It means a lot that you relate to things I've written about my 'littles' and 'parts' because it's been quite challenging to enable myself to start to do that - and sometimes I have wondered if I seem strange to be thinking in the way I do - but the more I read, in both the self-help books and here in the forum, I realise that it is a fairly common experience - for many of us - and we can relate to one another, and that feels very validating to me, and encourages me to continue on this path.  Although I have to admit I've been finding it extremely over-whelming sometimes too, so I'm trying to do my best to pace myself.  I remember you mentioning the 'Gray lady' before - and I related to that - because I mentioned my 'Edwardian/Victorian Lady' - walking with heavy skirts and she seems to wear dark and grey clothes too, when I picture her in my mind.    Love and hugs to you SanMagic, and thank you for your validation and your support.   

Hi Three Roses - Yes, this does definitely describe how I felt yesterday - it was like a 'over share hangover' - thank you so much for sharing your experience, because I feel it very closely too - and it makes sense as well.  Thank you!  Big hug to you too, Three Roses  - I really appreciate and value your validation and caring replies. 

Hi Deep Blue - I love ya too - you know.  You are such a kind and lovely person - it shines through.   

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Journal Entry on 9th November 2018
Today I am being kind to myself - I am going to do some relaxing things - I will do some dot-to-dots as well - as they are very relaxing for me. 

Just reflecting on my social with my friend last night - it went well - it was completely different to the other one with my other friend, in that I didn't share personal things so much - but I realised that my friend does know some very personal things about me already - and I have opened up to her more than I perhaps realised - and it's been ok - so that was an interesting realisation for me. 

I am planning to relax today - and then hopefully do some writing in the forum on the weekend - about my parts - as I am beginning to make some realisations, and I think it might be time to share some of those - and seek validation for them, as I know that helps me to heal and progress.  That's how I feel right at this moment - whether I will feel the same when it comes to it - I don't know - but I'll see what happens. 

At least today - at this moment - I feel quite positive and hopeful.  My over-sharing hang-over has gone away today - I feel relieved. 

Hope 

Journal Entry on 8th November 2018
I think I have had a bit of a back-lash from my inner selves - in that speaking yesterday to my friend about personal things, and then having a dream last night where I connected with a feeling of intense terror - and then today - I've just felt 'directionless' and 'down in the dumps' - I wouldn't say I'm too bad, just have this unsettling feeling that I've done something wrong, that I'll get into trouble, and feelings like that.  I also feel a sense of dread and waves of 'upset' - and then I think about what direction I should go in next - i.e. I have read many self-help books - and the ones I found most helpful were several of them - and now I wonder - where should I start.  I was going to do a plan - and I started to draft a few notes I'd taken, and then I thought - no, I can't handle this - it's too much - I feel over-whelmed.

Then I ended up watching TV and saw an American film about Christmas and it was a slushy romance - and somehow that made me feel nostalgic for some kind of chocolate-box kind of scenario - and I don't think that's reality at all. 

Although I am very happy with my partner - I don't want my watching a film about a Romance to suggest I'm not happy in my relationship - I feel the need to say that - because I love my partner so much.  I realise that part of my concern today - is that I was worried about the fact he ended up acting out a dream related to my FOO - and I did talk to him afterwards about it - and he acknowledged that seeing me being really upset in the middle of the night had played on his mind, and then he'd had a nightmare involving my FOO (parents) - and he admitted that he feels very angry towards them and blames them for how I struggle with unresolved feelings and flashbacks etc.  I told him that I appreciated his love and concern very much, and that knowing he had had such a dream (nightmare) made me worry about him - and at the same time made me feel some anger towards my FOO for upsetting him.  I did however realise that I don't seem to be able to feel much anger relating to how they treated me - at least many parts of me don't - maybe there is an angry part - who feels that, but I sense an angry part but don't know what their anger is related to/about.

I felt like I had been reasonably productive last week - in terms of things I had achieved - I could write things down in my Gratitude diary - and I felt like I was making progress.  But this week - I feel directionless really.

I had felt on a bit of high yesterday - after speaking to my friend, but coming back down with a bump again today - and I have another social thing to go to tonight - I had cancelled it last week as I felt I couldn't cope - so I will go tonight - but I don't feel like I have much energy.  I hope it will be ok, and that I'll cope ok.  I feel sure I'll get some energy from somewhere.  Maybe I'll go to bed for an hour this afternoon - to re-charge my batteries. 

Anyway, it's helped to write this, and I think I will maybe take a warm bath and go to sleep for a little while, and then try to put on some nicer clothes to go out with my friend tonight.

Hope 

Thank you Wattlebird, it is very helpful - thank you - we will keep communicating.  I appreciate your reply very much. 
Hope 

Hi - I wanted to reflect on what happened last night - in that me and my partner both went to sleep.  During the night I experienced an event whereby I felt extreme terror (which I now relate to having felt when I was a child, and it is a really intense flash-back to that feeling which replicates itself sometimes in my sleep) - so I felt that - and reacted by crying, shaking and my heart raced significantly - I could hear my partner soothing me - and telling me I am ok - this is a really good reaction for me, as I felt soothed by his words and I was able to get back to sleep again.  Hence the experience was such that I think I did wake, and he was talking to me and soothing me.  We talked about this today.

However, for him, he ended up later having a nightmare - which he told me about in the morning - although I knew he had had a nightmare as I remember in the middle of the night hearing him with a 'muffled scream' and I put my arm around him and soothed and comforted him, telling him he was ok.  He then calmed and appeared to sleep.  When we spoke about this in the morning, he told me that his experience had been that he had been dreaming that we were in a cottage somewhere, which he said was 'like a haunted house' - so it had a scary aspect to it.  Anyway, he told me that my FOO (parents) had shocked him by arriving at that house, and then proceeding to sleep in one of the bedrooms, and he had come into their room and had ***TW (mentioning physical altercation)....
tried to drag my F out of his bed by his feet (end of TW) ***

Then he had woken up, he thinks, but he's not sure.  He doesn't remember me comforting him and trying to soothe him back to restful sleep.

My concerns about this are that my own flashbacks and issues about my FOO seem to be impacting on my partner, and he has ended up being very worried for me - when he sees me experiencing my sleep issues etc, and also he seems to have developed some of his own.  I am wondering if I am ending up vicariously traumatising him.  I am worried about that.  I don't want to affect him in that way.

I realise I am personalising this again - because I do tend to think that things are my fault - 'if only I did this or that'... things would be different - and I realise it's not my fault - but I am worried for him.

We do communicate about things, but I just wanted to write about this here and see if you can share any thoughts or experiences that might help me with this dilemma of potentially passing on sleep disturbances to my partner. 

Hope 

I told him what was happening for me emotionally, he was sorry and gave me a nice massage to relax me, geez maybe I should explain myself better more often. 

That is great, Wattlebird.  I am glad you've been able to talk and that the outcome was a positive one.   
Hope 

Now I face the usual dilemma of the stress and do I package it back up and post it back or just bin it or blah blah blah... I HATE them!!

All suggestions welcome.

I agree with ThreeRoses that it was sneaky for your FOO to send you a package that wasn't identifiable till you opened it.  I have discussed with a friend in the past what to do with unwanted gifts from FOO - my friend advised me to send them back unopened.  However, I didn't manage to do that - I ended up opening them, and then I just didn't send them back.  But I wished I'd been strong enough to just send them back.  But I think part of me doesn't want to upset anyone. 

Whatever you do with it, it's your choice - I hope you'll do whatever feels right to you personally.  I don't think there's a right or wrong thing to do. 

I really hope you'll enjoy your BIrthday - I would like to wish you a lovely Birthday - I hope that you do some nice things - whatever you want to do.

Hope 

I had an interesting time going shopping - I thought it would be enjoyable, and parts of it was, but I was also experiencing more 'flashbacks' somehow today - and more experiences of being triggered and ending up unable to think or express myself properly - however, I was much more mindful of each experience, and was more aware of what the different triggers were, and I was also aware of what was happening - and I didn't worry too much about it - because I was 'aware' - and so the experiences didn't last so long - and the great thing was that I found my social meeting with my friend so much more enjoyable than I normally would - I found I was more able to open up and engage in a two-way conversation - which is different from my usual stance with friends, which is to listen to them and support them, and be quiet about my own stuff - this friend is one that I have started to open up with - and I can share things because she does understand - so that's been good. 

I actually got home and thought to myself that somehow I felt more like an 'adult' today - and less like a child - I often feel childlike and 'lost' somehow, but today I actually felt more adult and able to choose things.  I am celebrating those things.

Right at this moment, I am feeling more stable internally  - this contrasts with a feeling of angst I had felt the past day - and a feeling that I couldn't settle and was anxious.  I prefer this feelng today - but I also wonder if maybe it's because I got through those EF's whilst out and about earlier - and they haven't left me as drained or concerned as I would normally be.  Just being aware of what's happening - it seemed better. 

I am thankful for that. 
Hope 

Hi Memorex,
Just seen your reply - and thank you - you are very kind to say what you said, and also to comment about my inner critic - I appreciate that.  I think I had been slightly triggered by the word 'W*tch' as I had used that word myself somewhere in the forum - but not in a derogatory way - purely in a descriptive way - but at the same time, I have other parts of me that are guilty about the fact I even said it - hence I then worried if I might have said something to you.  I am glad it is a different thing entirely.

At least you decided against the concert and you feel glad you made the choice you did.  However, I hope you do catch David Byrne one day - I will have to look him up and see what he sounds like.  I am intrigued now.

Wishing you the best Memorex
Hope 

Hi Sceal,
I would also like to wish you much love and send you a hug 
Your Lady T sounds very supportive and I'm glad she helped you get home safely too. 
Hope