Dear Blueberry, Wattlebird & Three Roses,
Thank you all for what you wrote - I feel the compassion and understanding from you all - and you all inspire me.
***********
Journal entry on 9th February 2019.
I've just written about Chapter 8 of the Dissociation book, and whilst I was processing the words of that book, I realised that I felt more emotional - as there were particular sections that resonated more with me, and also there was part of the chapter that made me feel more uncomfortable as well - so I wanted to come back here and write about it, whilst it's fresh in my mind. It's on p.172 and is a list of questions that looks at activities in daily life - and says this: "When a patient is producing hundreds of pages of journaling every week, at what price are these writings produced, and what is being neglected in daily life? What is happening with the patient's children, partner, friends, work, study, household chores, and bills? What is the purpose of the writing? Is it perhaps an avoidance of dealing with daily life, which feels overwhelming or boring? Does the patient feel unheard and unseen unless mass quantities of information are given? Does the patient feel the therapist cannot possibly understand unless he knows every detail and nuance? Is the writing actually an avoidance of fully accepting what happened? Is the patient suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder, and is the writing a symptom of that particular problem? The function of the writing becomes the focus, rather than the content of the writing." - Literally, that has made parts of me uncomfortable, because I wonder whether my seeking answers through reading and then journaling, whether I am avoiding actually processing - but I know that a consequence of doing this has been that I am 'feeling more' things - and making more realisations.
I have literally felt 'hollow' and 'empty' for a great part of today - and I couldn't bring myself to do anything - I was sitting and really not doing anything much. My partner has gone to bed - as he was tired - and sometimes I would have joined him in doing that - as it's a safe retreat to cocoon in bed - but I stayed with my uncomfortable feeling - and tried to understand it. But I'm not sure I really got anywhere - it just felt incredibly frustrating and also quite pointless - and that made me feel worse.
So in the end I reached for the Dissociation book and started to read it and summarise it - and tried to note how I was feeling as I read it. I think I was able to stay more in the moment whilst I read it - but I felt uncomfortable about the section I wrote out above - the questions about the impact on daily life of the focus on writing, or journaling etc. I recognise the avoidant aspects of myself - that I can't trust in even seeing a medical person, let alone go to see a therapist. I have seen a therapist in the past, but there is a large part of me that is reluctant to take me there again.
I think I'm scared of some things - what might be realised. But I am eager to uncover them at the same time.
When I saw the replies here from Blueberry and Wattlebird and Three Roses, I felt a whoosh of emotion - feeling a sense of validation - of true empathy - and it causes me to feel a lump in my throat of emotion - and brings tears to my eyes - but it's a good feeling - at the same time. Weirdly, I am experiencing tinnitus in my ear quite strongly at the same time.
I am glad I came here today and wrote this - I think I feel better for doing so.
Hope
Thank you all for what you wrote - I feel the compassion and understanding from you all - and you all inspire me.
***********
Journal entry on 9th February 2019.
I've just written about Chapter 8 of the Dissociation book, and whilst I was processing the words of that book, I realised that I felt more emotional - as there were particular sections that resonated more with me, and also there was part of the chapter that made me feel more uncomfortable as well - so I wanted to come back here and write about it, whilst it's fresh in my mind. It's on p.172 and is a list of questions that looks at activities in daily life - and says this: "When a patient is producing hundreds of pages of journaling every week, at what price are these writings produced, and what is being neglected in daily life? What is happening with the patient's children, partner, friends, work, study, household chores, and bills? What is the purpose of the writing? Is it perhaps an avoidance of dealing with daily life, which feels overwhelming or boring? Does the patient feel unheard and unseen unless mass quantities of information are given? Does the patient feel the therapist cannot possibly understand unless he knows every detail and nuance? Is the writing actually an avoidance of fully accepting what happened? Is the patient suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder, and is the writing a symptom of that particular problem? The function of the writing becomes the focus, rather than the content of the writing." - Literally, that has made parts of me uncomfortable, because I wonder whether my seeking answers through reading and then journaling, whether I am avoiding actually processing - but I know that a consequence of doing this has been that I am 'feeling more' things - and making more realisations.
I have literally felt 'hollow' and 'empty' for a great part of today - and I couldn't bring myself to do anything - I was sitting and really not doing anything much. My partner has gone to bed - as he was tired - and sometimes I would have joined him in doing that - as it's a safe retreat to cocoon in bed - but I stayed with my uncomfortable feeling - and tried to understand it. But I'm not sure I really got anywhere - it just felt incredibly frustrating and also quite pointless - and that made me feel worse.
So in the end I reached for the Dissociation book and started to read it and summarise it - and tried to note how I was feeling as I read it. I think I was able to stay more in the moment whilst I read it - but I felt uncomfortable about the section I wrote out above - the questions about the impact on daily life of the focus on writing, or journaling etc. I recognise the avoidant aspects of myself - that I can't trust in even seeing a medical person, let alone go to see a therapist. I have seen a therapist in the past, but there is a large part of me that is reluctant to take me there again.
I think I'm scared of some things - what might be realised. But I am eager to uncover them at the same time.
When I saw the replies here from Blueberry and Wattlebird and Three Roses, I felt a whoosh of emotion - feeling a sense of validation - of true empathy - and it causes me to feel a lump in my throat of emotion - and brings tears to my eyes - but it's a good feeling - at the same time. Weirdly, I am experiencing tinnitus in my ear quite strongly at the same time.
I am glad I came here today and wrote this - I think I feel better for doing so.
Hope
to you SanMagic, hope you're ok. 
I feel like I am also trying to do that same thing - uncover things that are buried - and seeing what I dissociated from. 
- my attempt to write a list of Goals about this time last year. I gave up on it last January though. This evening I wrote all sorts of goals and in-between steps to help me reach those goals and have taped it to the wall. Some blockage has just become unblocked 