Messages

  to you Wattlebird.  Glad to hear you are feeling a fair bit better today and talked to a few of your friends.  Great that you're connecting with your emotions a bit better.  I am also connecting more with anger this week - which is scary but also probably positive - I think.  Wishing you the best with it.
Hope 

HI Sceal,
I hope you managed to cancel something, as I know you were thinking of that.  Whatever you've done, I hope you are ok and good luck with your surgery date - as I see you're going to get to know the date hopefully next week.   
Hope 

Hi SaB,
Sorry that you've had those disappointing responses from the health service - and I can understand that you feel some sense of abandonment and invalidation about that - I think I would as well in that situation.  Just wanted to send you a hug of support   
Hope 

Hi Jdog - Thank you - I appreciate you offering me Kudos and for saying what you said.   

Hi SaB - I appreciate all you said here, and thank you for sharing your thoughts - I am glad to hear that you don't get night terrors as frequently any more - it's good that the frequency is less.  I agree that recovery is slow but worthwhile work - and here's to us continuing on, and hopefully getting where we need/want to be with it.   

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Journal Entry on 15th February 2019

I am happy that i've got through the week, and I am glad it's a weekend now.  I feel tired, but not too over-tired - and I am hoping to get things done this weekend, and I've made a list. 


TW- mentioning some violence related words/themes in this next paragraph

Last night I felt incredibly angry - it was like there was a very very angry part of myself that had awakened, and didn't like the fact my partner was even in the bed!  I kept hearing swear words from that part - and violent thoughts - wanting to punch/hit/defend - and yet the only thing that my partner was doing was struggling to sleep himself, and therefore making a few more noises and movements than normal.  This was worrying for me, because I was trying to tell myself that I was safe, and that there wasn't anything to defend or protect myself from, and yet it was like there was a part of myself that was literally seething in anger.


End of TW


I am feeling much calmer today and the anger seems to have left me.  I am relieved - because it felt like it had blended with me last night - and I feared that I might lash out in my sleep and possibly do something that I wasn't in control of.  Thankfully I fell asleep and slept ok. 


Hope 

HI Blueberry,
Just wanted to say that I am impressed by this letter, it is to the point and says many useful things.  I hope that your appointment with your student went ok.
Hope 

Hi Wattlebird - Yes, it is disconcerting, and thank you for sharing your experience and validating this - because it helps to know that I'm not alone with this.  Best wishes to you too 

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Journal entry on 13th February 2019
Regarding my anger, I have found that it has surfaced more - and that I am carrying it around with me in my daily life - things are annoying me more than they normally would, and even people - e.g. I have felt some irritation occasionally even to my partner, and I realise that he's not done anything to justify that feeling, and therefore I am wondering if my angry teen parts are hanging around and affecting me.  My relationship with work colleagues is going ok - and I am not experiencing any irritation there - maybe these things end up being pushed onto the people we care about the most, because they are a safe place to project them, but I am keen not to express my irritation to my partner, as he does not deserve it.

So I am left with the quandary of how best to address this anger, and what to do with it.  I feel as if I should write some letters directed to my FOO - to express it there - but I realise that I have some avoidance about that - and whilst part of me wants to do that, I actually fear what I'll end up saying.  But maybe I should just go for it, and see what happens.

However, I want to wait till the weekend, as I feel that I need to reign in my emotions for this week - and keep myself together - and I fear falling apart if I express myself.  But maybe this is part of my problem - that I fear losing control of my emotions, and I fear the anger and what might happen if I express it too much. 

I think I was dreaming more last night, but I can't recall the content - which is disappointing as I would like to know the themes of my dreams.  They are not nightmares or night terrors, which is good - I've not had those for a long time now - which is a positive thing.

Someone gave me some very positive feedback on my work today - which made me feel good. 

I feel quite tired - so I'm going to have a rest and relax now.

Hope 

Feeling better today. "It is what it is." I am letting go of the dysfunctional feelings of responsibility for the decisions of others.

Sending you a hug of support Three Roses 
Hope 

Hi Wattlebird,
to you and hope it goes ok when you sign the papers.
Hope 

Hi Blueberry,
Just wanted to send you a hug of support   
Hope 

Journal Entry on 12th February 2019
I feel some more realisations in terms of beginning to feel some anger - and writing about it - I made a start.  Such a physical reaction though. 

I have been beginning to get in touch with an older part of me - a teenage part - probably aged between 17 and 19 years of age, and also myself aged 11 to 16 years as well - and beginning to think about flashbacks of memory from those times. 

I realise that I have got times mixed up - things that I thought had happened at certain ages, were not in the right place, and the fragments are now beginning to make better sense - in that I can put them in a time framework, but it has been disconcerting to realise my inaccuracies - but I think it makes sense - as I was fragmented and the memories reflect that.

Hope 

I still find it very emotional and creates a physical grip on my neck area and throat to come back in here - and re-read what I wrote, but seeing all the replies from you - it is so validating and humbling.  I feel emotional about that too, and thank you all.

Three Roses - Yes, having you standing with me on this, it feels empowering - really it does, so thank you - and sending you a hug 
Kizzie - Thank you for saying that you think that it sounds like it's time, and that I'm 'ready' to let myself feel some anger - I think you could be right about that - as it is definitely surfacing and I am 'feeling' it more.  Thanks so much for the group hug 
Blueberry - Thank you, I think Anger is an area that I've avoided - or just not felt able to process - and it's early days, but I'm getting there I think.
LilyITV - It was what you said in your post about Anger that helped me - and makes me want to re-read Pete Walker's words about it - because they sound spot on, and somehow I didn't or couldn't process that previously - i.e. when I first read his book.  Thank you for replying here and saying that you think I'm making huge strides - I feel like I'm making some progress - probably more like tentative steps than strides, but I feel some change.

Hope 

I need to write something more - because having written what I just wrote - it was like my throat ended up constricting and it literally felt like there was a hand trying to strangle me - I felt intense emotion - like a whoosh of upset, of pain, of being distraught - and the hand on my throat (TW - violent kind of image)

I went into the 'letters not to send' part of the forum, and read a couple of letters there - and my throat felt even tighter - and as I try to work this out - and think why I feel such intensity - I don't know why.  But I wonder if trying to face my anger brings repressed sadness, and that considering the sadness is my repressed anger - I don't know.

Right now, as I write this, the hand has released its grip on my neck.


But I do remember that as a small child I had such a lot of tension in my neck area - and I used to really grit my teeth and grind them - and feel intense tension in my jaw area - so maybe it's connected to that - holding so many things in.  I've had more flashbacks of memories relating to the tension and stuff going on between my FOO (parents) - hearing them shout at each other, hearing the distress in my M's voice - hearing my F shout - and me not understanding why they argued and were so tense.  I was so small.


My chest feels tight now - as I think of that. 

But I think I feel better for having written about this here.

Hope 

I have just started to read some of the posts in this part of the forum, relating to Anger - and I wanted to write about the fact that whilst I read what people have written, I notice that I get a very large lump in my throat, and feel quite distressed and upset. 

I came to this area because prior to thinking about 'Anger' I was considering that I have been feeling some anger - which is quite rare for me.  But it's the first time I've come here to this area to read anything about anger, and so I think maybe I avoid it normally.

I read in one thread that LilyITV mentioned that Pete Walker's book stated that "Anger is repressed sadness and sadness is repressed anger" and this resonated with me.  I think that reading about anger makes me feel very sad and upset.  That causes a lump in my throat physically.

When I was considering my feelings internally - just before I came here - I pictured a volcano within the middle of my body - and as if there was pressure there - but I didn't know what might come out of that, and that felt scary.

Someone else wrote "Responds to the experience of powerlessness by dissociating from the experience" (I think that was in an article about Emotional Dysregulation - I am going from memory and thinking about what was written and where - didn't want to lose details, but forgot the source.

I feel as if I'd like to do some painting or drawing to try to encapsulate my feelings and express them - but I am scared of doing that - so I don't do it.   But I feel as if I want to - at the same time.

I also want to write a 'letter to - not to send' to express my anger to my FOO - but I am also scared to do that - at the moment.

I was looking at some photos of my FOO (parents) yesterday - and found that my reaction to seeing them had changed from my usual feeling 'scared and avoidant' - to actually feeling something that I think was 'anger' - and I could also see that in photos where I was also present, that there appeared to be strain in my face, and I looked uncomfortable and had a forced kind of smile on my face, and I looked unhappy in my eyes.  I can see it now, whereas I didn't notice it so much at the time. 

I can feel it more as well - wheareas I think I numb myself and dissociate from it normally.

Hope 

Hi BeHea1thy - Thank you - it has really helped me to read what you wrote here - I find that when I'm reading or trying to process things that I end up with various altercations amongst my various parts - and I think that my inner or outer critics have a go as well - and clearly they focused on those questions that I copied - and I began to feel uncomfortable - and that feeling grew.  But you're right, they are referring to 'hundreds of pages weekly' rather than the level I've been doing - I guess it's probably some guilt about addressing my own needs - when I've been trained or encouraged to look to the needs of my FOO in the past - I do feel better balanced today - this morning - so that's good!  Thanks again for your reply and also for your perspective, which I think is well balanced and healthy - living up to your name 'BeHea1thy'   

Hi Wattlebird - Thank you so much - your reply is so helpful too - and thank you for validating my progress so far - I do feel like I am making progress, but it's good to hear someone say it at the same time.  It was helpful to hear that your T spoke of the common fear in recovery of spending too much time on oneself, and that she didn't think you were doing that.  I am going to take that on board myself, and I hope to continue with my current path - because I feel like it's getting somewhere helpful.    to you and thanks for your support and encouragement.

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Journal Entry on 10th February 2019
When I think back on yesterday, I wonder if maybe I was in an EF for quite a bit of the day - it was hard for me to do anything for most of the day - but I managed to finally focus in the end, and was glad that I got back to my Dissociation book and did the chapter - it was helpful but it also evoked some internal criticism and confusion amongst different parts of me, but thankfully after a night's sleep, I have awoken feeling somewhat better - more centred and balanced and calmer. 

I did have the experience of what I think might have been some de-personalization though - in that whilst I was getting dressed, I felt as if my body was much larger than it actually is - i.e. as if there was a Little Hope there in my big adult body - and she was surprised at how big the body was.  I have felt that sense before, but haven't considered what was going on - but today I just thought - this is feeling depersonalised and I just tried to remain calm, and thankfully now I'm up and dressed - I'm feeling more in proportion to myself again.

I feel as if I could do more things today - so I'm going to try to do some of them, as I do have quite a lot of things I need to do today - and I will try to do them - with this renewed sense of energy that I think I have at this moment.
Hope 

HI Refela,
Welcome, I am glad you're here, and that you've posted your first post - I hope you'll feel supported here. 
Hope