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Hi Wattlebird,
I've just read your reply here, and I've only just posted my attempt at Chapter 1 - it is here:
http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=11206.0
I have no idea if it's the right place, it appears in the Book Talk - underneath it - I woke up this morning and was feeling like I wanted to 'do it' - so it's done!  At least we have Chapter 1 now, and basically we can start the new chapters as and when we want to - i.e. you or I, or anyone else who wants to - I appreciate you offering to do it today - I was struggling yesterday!  I feel sure it was resistance on behalf of some of my parts, but thankfully today - I was just able to do it. 
I really like your suggestion to make an agreement with my parts - I will think about that and hope to do that.  Thank you! 
I am really happy you're doing this too. 
Hope 

Hi Eyessoblue - thank you so much for your reply - I appreciate it so much.  I read it before I went to sleep last night, and you know, it really helped to know that someone understands these feelings.  You know, I am surprised to hear that the NHS are strongly recommending CBT for PTSD now - my T that I saw for a while did use some of those techniques, and gave me some work sheets to use - and I have to say, that I didn't find them all that helpful. 

I very much hope that we can move this on - in terms of finding a purpose and moving through time - I do think there are ways forward - and I'm glad that you find NLP helpful - I haven't really read much about that, but it sounds a bit like Acceptance & Commitment therapy - in terms of focusing on the feelings and not distracting from them.  I don't know that much about that therapy either, I'm just going by what I read yesterday in my Dissociation book - it was mentioned there.

Hi Three Roses - thank you so much!  I appreciate your lovely reply.   

Hope 

Dear SanMagic,
I hope you can rest today - and I hope that your guts will settle and allow you to feel some peace too - I really wish that we could all come over and help fumigate your place so those little flea critters were gone - and you could have some respite.  I hope your tennis match was a good one. 
to you SanMagic
Hope 

Hi Kizzie,

I would also like to help you and Blueberry - and I would like to wish you the best. 

Hope 

Letter to My Parts 14th November 2018

Dear Parts,

I have started to re-read the book entitled 'Treating Trauma-Related Dissociation' - and I was able to read Chapter 1 again today – and one of you was wailing and distraught at several times during my reading of that Chapter – and some of you weren't happy at the thought that I would be trying to  summarise my reflections on this Chapter in the Forum – so much so that when I tried to start a new Topic – you said things like
You can't do that – there's already a section – an earlier edition of the book – who do you think you are?  You can't do that.  Who cares what you write anyway.  You can't do it.  You'll mess it up.  Don't do it.

I got flashbacks too – to the time when I woke in the night to find I had completely shredded a nightie – and honestly, if I had tried to do that – in daylight and with immense strength, I don't think I could have done it.  Literally that nightie was shredded – and would have taken immense force to do that.  How did I do that? 

Which part of you did that in the night?  Why do you remind me of that flashback now?  Are you trying to tell me that I shouldn't poke around in my memories and feelings and thoughts – allow the part of you that is constantly rubbing out my memories to continue?  I appreciate that you are trying to protect me, but I honestly think I can cope with things – I have been strong – I have got through many things – both in childhood and during adult life too. 

I worked for decades in a very stressful job – I managed to cope – even though there were times when I had to take anti-depressants and I had to take some time off work too – to recover – to try to keep going. 

I realise that I ended up taking on too many difficult issues – and I ended up trying to sort other professionals issues out – and that just took too much energy – I know I've avoided talking about my work and my working life – because I feel immense shame for the fact I couldn't keep going in the end, and my work ethic was extinguished, along with my ability to work. 

Then I was left with coming to terms with feelings that I recognised from past times – I realise that parts of me are frozen, at different ages – and I realise some things that were going on around those times – thanks to having contacted my sister and also done some detailed searching in various places and sources to get information – I feel like I was a detective of sorts – and gradually I've been piecing things together, and fragments are able to be positioned in some kind of order – whereas before they were more free-floating and disordered.  There's been a gradual re-processing of sorts – but I'm not sure at what level, and to what depth.

I've read so many self-help books over the years – and more recently found an affiliation with the concept of dissociation and wounded/fragmented parts – it sits comfortably at some levels – and at others it is deeply disturbing.  But I realise that's the conflict between parts – and that does make sense. 

As I've read each book, I've also felt 'attached' to the writers' - especially to Janina Fisher – her book was so amazing.  Many of her words and suggestions have stuck in my mind – and I have been trying to attend to every communication from inner parts – and I was trying to do regular Meditation groups – but then my focus slipped and I was distracted by tasks in current life – but I see from the 'Treating Trauma-Related Dissociation' book (by Steele, Boon & Van der Hart) that they advocate continuing with real-life tasks – as a central thing. 
I felt quite over-whelmed at times, and still do – I recognise that I seem to have a tendency to 'read about' things and then somehow avoid doing the experiential side of things – so that means I am kept in an intellectual kind of processing and not in the 'feeling' side of things.  I need to feel things – I need to experience things, and I need to go out of my comfort zone to do that – I think so.

If I was to think of a word to describe how I feel currently – I would choose the word 'frozen' - because I feel stuck or frozen in time – it's like I have things I'd like to achieve and do, but there is a great sense that I might fail, that I can't do those things – and that I am incapable of doing them. 

This is not based on evidence, as I know that I can do things, if I apply myself – I have been successful in things I've wanted to do in the past, and I've been high achieving in terms of my professional life and career.  But now – I am no longer working, and I feel frozen in a limbo.

I'm going to thaw myself out – and break free to experience some things.  I just need to work out how to do it. 

Hope 

Hi Wattlebird - I think you're doing really well - you're pacing things and not pushing yourself too much - and I think that's really sensible.    I just tried to work out whether I could add to the 'Book Talk' section - but it wasn't as easy as I thought it might be.  I saw there is already a section about the book 'Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation' - which I think was the earlier edition of the book we're reading?

I was going to start a title of Chapter 1 of 'Treating Trauma-Related Dissociation' by Kathy Steele, Suzette Boon & Onno Van der Hart (2017 edition) - as I re-read it today and was thinking of reflections to say.  For some reason I can't seem to work out how to put it in 'Book Talk' - maybe I should put it in this section - in a new thread?  I don't know. 

Anyway, I wonder if my inability to work this out is down to my being a bit phobic about writing about my parts - I know some of them are more keen for me to do that, and other parts aren't so keen.  I realise a conflict there already - but I really valued re-reading Chapter 1 today - I found it much more emotional than I did before - I think I might be processing things more.

Wattlebird - I just wanted you to know I am hoping to write Chapter 1 as a heading - once I work out where best to put it and how to do it.  Good luck with your reading - I think it's a great book.

Hope 

I feel stronger because of this realisation too.

[/quote]


Hi Blueberry - this is great!     Sending  you a warm hug 
Hope 

Hi Woodsgnome,
I appreciated your comments here very much - thank you.  I like your suggestion that it's better to absorb the totality than to recall the little details - and the 'essence' of something is what rings true - and I especially liked what you said about the heart knowing what the intellect strives so hard to get - you are expressing the kernel of it - I think you're spot on.    to you, if that's ok.   

Hi Deep Blue,
I don't think I would ever perceive you to be 'mean' in any sense of the word - you are such a lovely person - even your name encapsulates a depth - 'deep blue' - and that depth represents kindness and I always appreciate things you say, so thank you for validating my expressions.  I know you were tired when you wrote - and you said you were going to do some self-care - I hope you were able to do that, and that you feel more refreshed today.  Much love to you too.   


**********

Journal entry on 13th November 2018

I am feeling relieved today - because I am thankful that I'm not feeling so low or tearful - and I feel calmer inside.  I did a bit of de-cluttering in the house - just for about 40 minutes, but I felt it was a step closer to being more tidy and sorted.  I'm going to try to do a similar amount each day this week and that way I'll have done quite a bit by the end of the week.

I really thought I was getting a cold or run-down - but I feel as if I have a bit more energy today - so maybe I'm ok afterall. 

Hope 

Hi SanMagic,
Really good to hear you've been accepted as an educator at the community college - that is really good. 
Just wanted to send you a gentle and warm hug - and hope that you become less sore as time goes on - and hoping the chaos will give way to calm very soon.  You deserve some calm and tranquillity.
Hope 

Thanks Jdog - I have had a reasonable day in the end.  So that's good.   

****
Journal entry later on 12th November 2018
Today has felt like a more emotional day - but I allowed my emotions to rise up and I 'felt' them - which is what I've actively tried to do - rather than push the emotions aside or dissociate from them.  I think it was good for me - I also watched a very upsetting drama on TV - which made me cry a lot - and that was cathartic really - getting out remaining tears that felt like they needed expression. 

I watched a few u-tube videos about Dissociation - but didn't really find much that I related to there - I like the book I read much better.  So I hope to return to it, and maybe to start working through it again 'Chapter by Chapter' and see how that goes, and I hope to write it in a section called 'Book Talk' that I saw - I hope that's ok - I hope to read Chapter 1 again in the next couple of days - all being well. 

I have also started reading a book by Windy Dryden "Ten Steps to Positive Living" - it is written in a chatty style and he makes some good points - although typically when I try to recall any of the points he's made - at this moment - I can't remember a single one!!!  But I know I enjoyed reading it today - and it made sense.  I think he spoke about taking responsibility for things, and also choosing goals which are desirable rather than exacting in nature - thereby being 'flexible' rather than bound to any rules.  But I could be completely picking points that jumped into my mind just now, and may have not picked out the same points that he made.  I am doubting my ability to remember.  I feel silly now. 

I've been thinking about the fact that I feel 'resistance' to writing about my parts - and what that might be about.  I think it's concerning to me to be open about my feelings and my thoughts - and I wonder if I'm worried about how I'm perceived.  Part of me is, and other parts of me aren't so bothered.  So again, a conflict between them on how they feel about that.

I feel a bit better in myself at the moment - it was like I had a lot of melancholy hanging over me for most of the earlier part of the day, and now it's lifted - and I feel better.  I really wondered if I was sickening for something - that I was run down, and going to get some kind of virus or illness - or something.  But I feel better right now.   Maybe crying and being able to feel my emotions for those moments in the earlier part of the day - that was a good thing for me.

I tried to do a Meditation Circle inviting my inner parts to attend, but because I'd not done it for quite a long time, I found that I couldn't do it.  I need to try to get into a more disciplined and regular thing - because I fear that my inners will feel that I've neglected them again, and they may not communicate with me so much. 

I have been feeling a bit guilty too - for the fact that I wrote quite a lot in someone else's Journal - and I wondered if I had said too much.  I've been feeling guilty about it.  But the person did ask for comments, and somehow the part of me that was around at the time - responded with her thoughts about it.  I know that was 'me' - but I also acknowledge that I was feeling able to respond and express myself clearly at the time, and instead of holding back, and maybe thinking about what I said - I just 'said it' - and I know that one of my friends cautions me against writing spontaneously, as she tells me that I could potentially then regret an action - she often counsels me to sleep on something before acting.  She hasn't said this to me recently, but I remember her words from the  past, and I thought to myself - perhaps I shouldn't just write things sometimes without thinking and without censoring or re-thinking.

I'm going to be a bit braver right now and just say that when I am communicating in any situation - there is often 'thoughts' or 'almost voices' that I hear (maybe inner thoughts) and they can sometimes swear or say things that I would never actually say - and sometimes they indicate that they want to push someone away - or hit them even.  I have never acted on these thoughts, but it does make me wonder whether my anger has been repressed and dissociated to such a degree that I have repressed anger underlying, and then the thoughts express it. 

I am also aware that different parts of myself have acted in the past in ways I wouldn't allow myself to act in the current time.  I've done things in the past - at younger ages that I feel embarrassed about, that I feel ashamed of - and yet I also realise that I did those things to survive some difficult circumstances. 

On an emotional level - I found today hard - hearing people talk about Armistice and the incredible emotional things that were spoken about yesterday - during Remembrances - and then people spoke about trying to connect with family connections to past wars - it made me think that I have never been told anything significant about my FOO - and that I hardly know them - and I felt incredibly sad for that - it was like I wanted to erase the past and replace it with something else - something happier - something substantive.  Something meaningful.  But I can't. 

Hope 

Hi Wattlebird,
That's great that you like the Book Talk suggestion - I am gearing up to starting with Chapter 1 again soon.  I know I've been avoiding a bit - but maybe I can phrase that in terms of pacing myself better.    I hope you're managing - because I know you said Chapter 18 was emotional - I agree - there are many triggering parts - I find that I have struggled - but like you, I am also keen to work thru it all as well.  Good to know we're both reading it and getting something from it.
Hope 

Hi Luke,
Best wishes also to you.   
Hope 

Journal entry on 12th November 2018
I still feel quite emotional regarding the Armistice - and I seem to be suffering from tinnitus quite a bit today - not sure why.  I think I'm a bit run down - so I'm going to try to be kind to myself today.  I coped better than I thought I would with seeing my partner's relatives yesterday - this seems to be a pattern - I assume it will be difficult, and the reality is it is better than I anticipate - so maybe I can let my guard down a bit next time, and maybe go with the flow more - maybe I'll just relax and feel less defended in such situations.  I hope so.  They are nice people - and I think it's more the concerns of some of my 'inners' that put the barriers up - because they want to protect me from potential hurt - but maybe there aren't so many things to hurt me in the here and now - something to think about. 

Anyway, I will take it easy today.

Hope 

Hi Jdog,
Every time I see the news, and the fires in California I am thinking of you and your wife - and I am glad that you are both safe.  I heard that your President had said about Forest Management, and I thought that was a very insensitive and badly thought out response. 
Your Pumpkin bread and soup sounds so lovely - and you had some quality time together - it sounds really good - and glad you were able to get out without that cumbersome boot - freedom!!!  Very pleased to hear you're both recuperating well and enjoying one another's company - that is really good. 
Hope 

Hi BeHea1thy,  I am really happy to hear all your positives here - and I would like to wish you all the best through Winter and Christmas and beyond, and whilst I will miss you - I am also very glad to hear you're out there living life and doing things you enjoy - much love to you and big hug 
Hope