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I was reading Ghost's post about PNES and started googling it. One thing led to another and I saw "conversion disorder" which was mentioned in my latest inpatient report in combination with what they're labeling as OSDD atm because they're still not 100% sure where I am on the dissociative spectrum. See https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=15563.msg136356#new

So reading this now https://www.chop.edu/conditions-diseases/conversion-disorder

"Conversion disorder involves the loss of one or more bodily functions. Examples include:

    Weakness or paralysis
    Loss of balance or difficulty walking
    Tremors or seizures
    Vision problems, such as double vision or blindness
    Hearing problems or deafness
    Difficulty speaking or inability to speak
    Difficulty swallowing"

Yes to weakness, yes to loss of balance and difficulty walking, yes to hearing problems (my hearing was often very bad during inpatient stay especially in certain group trauma settings and my T eventually said that it can be caused by dissociation)
Lesser or unclear symptoms from list:
It's possible that I had tremors or seizures as a teen, I'm not sure partially because nobody in FOO ever saw it happen so nobody could tell me what it looked like on the outside. See https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=7891.msg136358#msg136358
My eyesight is getting worse and some things on this topic feel a bit nebulous or as Hope wrote on my OSDD thread, they're still hidden in a tunnel.
Difficulty speaking - yes in the sense that when things are really hard and/or I'm trying to talk about something very triggering in therapy, it can be that I can only speak in a whisper.
Difficulty swallowing - it feels that way sometimes when the lump in my throat is particularly large but I'm not sure if that would be included here. I actually had a lump in my throat for years, it was called 'post-nasal drip' then; maybe it still is. It was annoying, I was always swallowing trying to make it disappear. At the same time I also assumed that everybody had one and it was there for keeps, bad luck sort of thing.

OSDD - Symptom or Comorbidity? Does it even matter? No, atm it doesn't to me.

I can't access parts of the forum when I'm logged in anyway, including most of the symptoms threads. (A cache problem, to be solved sometime).

So anyway, I wrote my piece for the Book Project and have just written another piece for the podcast request. Both took me a while and neither piece is the same. Ask me my trauma story and I'll tell you something different, possibly even every time. Does that mean it's wrong? Or that I'm lying or being deceptive? No, it doesn't. It might mean different parts of me are speaking up. What it certainly means is that cptsd as I know it, so the way it affects me, is so broad, so all-encompassing that I can't get it all down in just a few pages or 3 minutes recording. I'd probably need more like 3 hours recording or maybe 30 hours, I really have no idea. Also the more I write, the more becomes clear again. The stuff has been clear before but I can't survive day-to-day with that clarity so I let it sink back, probably into some sort of dissociative part.

As an aside, I asked my inpatient T if not every patient with cptsd has some sort of dissociative disorder, since dissociating to some degree seems pretty common here on OOTS, and there were others in the inpatient program who seemed to dissociate in a far more visible way than I did but who could also be brought back or even be prevented from drifting off in ways that don't seem to work for me e.g. eating peppercorns, sticking their hands in ice-cold water or some such physical shock to the system.

My T said that patients are good at hiding it, though she didn't mean concealing deliberately. It's more that it can take the patients themselves and the therapists a long time to figure out that that is what is going on. Maybe some therapists are happy to give the diagnosis sooner than others, Idk. The first time I spoke to this T before I went inpatient last year, she asked me if I dissociated and I couldn't remember if I did or not   Once off the phone I remembered that "of course I do!! All the time!" There too, I didn't deliberately hide the information, it just wasn't present in my mind at the time, or not with those words.

20 years ago in group therapy in my first inpatient stay, I'd tell my T: "I'm going away now" but I didn't actually leave the room or even dissociate particularly far or deep because saying that I could feel it about to happen was enough to keep me from actually doing so. We hadn't learnt about dissociating per se there so I don't think I knew or understood the term then. Had my most recent inpatient T asked me if 'I go away internally', then I would probably have said "Yes" because that's another way I used to describe it. Parts of me know this phenomenon under different terminology and I can't access the different terms all at the same time so ask me a question and I may give the wrong answer or with a T I know and trust I may draw a blank and have to think for a while till images and words and concepts from different parts of me at different ages or even at different stages of healing though all adult ages start linking up again...

For me it comes full circle or almost full circle to what I wrote further up the post, cptsd is so all-consuming, so monstrous that I can't contain all my knowledge of how it affects me and how I experience it all in one place, all in one internal filing cabinet that I can pull out and read out to someone. It's filed all over the place with arrows pointing to additional information and examples and this led to the other and another source was that. And if I don't watch it, all the files and arrows and sticky notes will come flying out and all land in a huge messy pile on the floor and I can't bear to go through it again and sort but I also don't want to throw it out. It's part of me after all.

I see I switched to present tense in the middle. Going back into 'it' is OK briefly but then better get back into an Observer.

Does any of this make sense to anybody else on here? Or sound some way familiar? I don't really mean whether you know or work with IFS, though the Observer role probably originated there by name. It's more - how does this additional beast feel to you? (Cptsd is a beast, dissociative stuff feels like an additional beast to me). But I don't want to trigger anyone into going further than they can handle or tbh further than I can handle (sort of joking of course because I do have to know for myself when to stop reading or absorbing).

Anybody from ZG2 intending to join the meeting in a few minutes?

I think this is pretty good progress for me. I see new mbr's threads, sometimes I even glance at them. But I know I don't have the real energy to respond to them anymore. I'm putting me first. I've done my share of welcoming, now is not the time. It might be the time again sometime, but not now.

No offence to newbies    

Over the past little while I've had neutral to good memories returning. It's often just a little flash of a memory and usually about innocuous things like nature. I have had visual memories of nature/natural world return before this, but now there's more to the memory, like maybe the sound of twigs snapping or a feel for the whole situation like the cool autumn air on my skin (which is certainly not here atm!) or a quick scent from the undergrowth. It's from places in my childhood, where I haven't lived for years.

That feels like progress because multiple sensations are returning in connection to individual memories. I lost good memories a few decades ago when FOO told me I needed to forget the past. I could only do that by blocking all memories, not by just blocking the bad ones.

[it's not your fault, it was what was done to you]

Mental Health & Well-Being Global Summit
Sept. 12-18, 2023                https://www.mentalhealthglobalsummit.com/

It's free of charge.

There are some early bonuses etc. I watched one, which is an interview of Gabor Maté where 5-10 topics are mentioned which I think are either a revelation or something good to hear again. Let's see if I can note some w/o writing an essay

- differentiation of remorse and shame. Remorse can be healthy. Shame is not healthy. It comes from a pre-verbal age

- 'trauma' means 'wound'. A child can be wounded/traumatised merely by not being seen or not being heard. That can be enough. Not only is so-called Big T trauma not a 'prerequisite', but even emotional abuse and neglect , which might be termed Small T trauma isn't a 'prerequisite'.

- according to Gabor Maté, trauma is the root cause of all 'mental illness',  which is a total misnomer anyway.

- people e.g. first-responders who develop PTSD in adulthood were often traumatised in childhood, so their brain already has the stress template, so they have a higher likelyhood of developing traumatic reactions than first-responders who were not traumatised in childhood

- Gabor Maté calls ICr 'Stupid Friend' because s/he was a friend way back in childhood i.e. had a useful protective function but no longer does. The interviewer suggests this entity could be called 'Unskillful Friend' and they both discuss that.

- some explanation of Ketamine

- some surprising facts about SSRIs (anti-depressants)

- it's not your fault, it was what was done to you

For me, it was worth signing up just to hear the 45 minute talk referring to the above and more  

This is something I learned inpatient which could be helpful for someone else. Smell memories go back really really far. Sometimes a smell triggers (I've experienced that myself). What you can do about that is take a tiny little container of coffee beans around with you to sniff at if you get triggered or if you know you're about to get triggered (if you know what your trigger is and know you can't avoid it in the next 5 minutes for example). The trick is: the smell of coffee beans neutralises other scents.

In addition, you can stick your nose in the crook of your arm because apparently that's where your own body scent is strongest. That's what the body T had read somewhere though she said she didn't find much body scent there. Nor do I, but it might work for some people. But I suppose it might also trigger some people, so take with a large pinch of salt.

Help! I can't figure out how to log off after the upgrade. I might check back on Sunday, otherwise it might look as if I'm on when I'm not actually

I'll be off the forum for a good number of weeks because I'm going into inpatient treatment tomorrow. I might occasionally read my own Journals especially to find something I noted ages ago, but otherwise I'll be trying to get the most out of the treatment program! 

Ditto.

Good wishes to all

To my brothers,

I've just watched a video by some trauma expert and now understand better the way you behave towards me. I wish I could impart this information to you and that you'd at least take it in and acknowledge it. A further step would be then to change your behaviour towards me. However I know that none of that will happen. I could explain till the cows come home and I could explain in huge depth with a multitude of examples, but the information will not reach you. Why not? Because there are tapes / protocols running in both of your amygdalas saying "BB is at fault". That's what you learned subconsciously growing up in our family, it's been recorded in and programmed into your amygdalas and into the limbic system. You could only change that by actually working on it for which you would need to see/feel/sense a reason to do so. But so long as you rely on the message in your subconscious saying "BB is at fault, BB is wrong, BB must've misunderstood", then you'll never see a reason to look deeper, to change vis-a-vis me, to treat me better.

It's getting on for 7 years since I last saw you, your children, our parents and I had to make the decision to leave your company to save myself, knowing deep down that that was it and knowing that however hard it was going to be, I was going to put my own health first and not be the one in FOO to put up with bad behaviour towards me because I understand where it's coming from and you don't or some such   That's part of what's programmed into my amygdala - somehow it was my job to make allowances for other people. That doesn't really come as a surprise now that I remember - not for the first time - the way B1 made excuses for his own behaviour based on how you were treated by M. You 'inherited' her anger and somehow it was obvious to you that I was the one to bear the brunt of your anger, physically. Well, of course it was obvious to you because the reason was programmed in your amygdala: BB is at fault. And further you learnt that nobody was going to protect me so you could do what you wanted. I don't know how much the latter is amygdala or pre-frontal cortex or a mix and I don't actually really care because none of it is a viable excuse. It's more that I can see all of this in a more detached way combined with - there is absolutely no hope for our FOO. btw you can't 'inherit' anger, you can't 'inherit' an emotion. You can copy the behaviours of one parent or some other relative, but the notion of 'inheriting' says: "I can't help it, it's not my fault." In your mind, it releases you from any responsibility. It doesn't do so! I am your younger sister and that age difference was very relevant in our childhood.

Seeing this video was very important to me in connection to our relationship, B2. Now I understand why you took on the family myth of "BB is at fault" even though you possibly don't even remember or didn't even hear the things that were said to me in my childhood by M and sometimes F. B1 was around, B1 interacted with me more, got me in trouble and punished and would hear what was said to me in a way you didn't, being younger. Also you weren't played up against me the way B1 was, nor did you resort to violence in our childhood, so for years I thought we had a different and better relationship. So it was utterly devastating for me to realise 7 years ago that that is not the case. And now I know "BB is at fault" is in your amygdala, programmed in as the family truth.

I wish you could understand this, I wish I could tell you, but I know I definitely shouldn't because it would just make me vulnerable and I know that you're not even capable of understanding. Another FOO myth "BB is stupid, ignorant" etc. Just thinking of that now because your inability to understand any of the above contrasted with my ability to understand shows me that I'm way ahead of you in emotional intelligence and in plain old observation of what's going on. I'm way ahead of you in anything positive also does not fit the FOO narrative, so along with other stuff programmed into your amygdalas (in order to keep you safe!) is something like "BB is always wrong" or even "it's best to shun BB" because the latter is what our parents did. That is something you are undoubtedly not conscious of at all. But just because I am, doesn't mean I'm going to put up with it or should put up with it or must put up with it. B1, you told me in our childhood that I should stop "making a martyr out of" myself. Oh the irony! You'd all love it if I made a martyr out of myself these days and put up with everybody's treatment of me and turned the other cheek so that my withdrawal from FOO has no repercussions on you and your families.
BB
_____________________

I used to spit with rage when I wrote this type of thing to FOO. My recovery letter is longer than I expected but I'm not spitting with rage (yet), just writing what was evolving in my mind and emotions. Turned out good to write it down because while writing more understanding and realisations came.

ETA a minor clarification for when I read this in months to come

https://www.mentalhealthglobalsummit.com/

https://www.mentalhealthglobalsummit.com/?mc_cid=a69defc36a&mc_eid=4b9281fff0 is apparently the link - I've just been sent it again via email. Hope it works.

There's something from Thomas Huebl and D. Schwartz about inter-generational trauma but it's too academic-sounding for me, the words are too big atm. But if you check one of their websites, you'll probably find it.

Then there's something from AVAIYA university https://www.avaiya.com/childhood-trauma/
I watched one of today's talks twice. It was so good, so relevant for me atm. Sometimes I had to laugh - yeah, that's so me. The people who do courses and read books and engage their brains. Yup, that's me. Don't want to feel.

I took notes, maybe I'll even write them here. When I do that, it's more for me than anything or anybody else.

When deciding on a new Journal, I looked back at old Journals as usual. From earlier this year https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=15014.30 which was useful to read. But I also looked for "beneficial" and came up with 3 previous Journals of mine and read in one: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=8679.msg60768#msg60768  The following struck me particularly: Then it will be beneficial to do constructive activities that really help me move on. What these are will also vary, depending on whether i'm still stuck in an EF or already beginning to move out of it. There are some activities that are almost always beneficial and constructive to moving on: washing the dishes is one; conversing with my pets while I still had them was another. OK, good realisation. Keep in mind. But don't rush off to adopt more little furry creatures right now. Another one from spring to fall is going down into the garden and seeing what's growing. Smelling a nice scent. Moving my body, even if just stepping on the spot. I know it's good to go ahead and do one of these. If it doesn't work, try another. Don't give up.

Allow myself less beneficial activities e.g. playing Patience sometimes, but know that it's not such a mindful beneficial activity as say colouring (because the senses and creativity are not much involved). However, remember that blanket bans bring out a relatively young IC who is practised at self-destructive activities in the face of blanket bans from on high.

The second para is interesting. The first still hugely relevant.

So up to now I've had Beneficial and Constructive; Beneficial, Constructive and Mindful; Taking Those Beneficial Steps.
And now it's the Easiest, Most Beneficial and Constructive. Though up in the title line, I wrote 'concrete' instead of 'constructive' so I wonder what that's about?

When I'm sitting at the computer running my fingers through my hair and/or reading around on the news or any number of websites of which OOTS is by far the most beneficial for me, followed by photos of animals up to hijinks, followed by the month's best photos sent in by the public in one of my home countries, this is a sure sign that at least one Part of me needs something much different. This is a Journal to remind me of that, but also to point me in the direction of actually doing what that Part needs. Or at the very least doing something which is generally beneficial, which could be as simple as opening the window to let in sunshine and fresh air or looking out at the trees and really taking them in.

One beneficial activity I've been putting off for ages is to shower and wash my hair. I did actually shower a few days ago but didn't wash my hair. This may not be the easiest activity for me this evening, but it is time to go through with it. What are the benefits: I'll simply feel better afterwards, it'll be easier to go out of the house and go among other people knowing my hair isn't in an anti-social state, so I'll definitely notice things are EASIER afterwards and less exhausting, I'll get all warmed up in the shower since it's a little chilly this evening.

Just watched this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7qsxeQrKhg

Recognised B1 and other FOO mbrs. I couldn't help laughing at some of the points, they're just so ridiculous. But that's just me atm; they could be really triggering for someone else.

  Started confronting FOO this week! First via email, now phone. It's working! I'm strong. I haven't dissociated. I have cried somewhat like on the phone with B1, but I've also used strong words - and swears, because they get through to FOO. They show my brothers but also M last night that I mean business. They say things like they had no idea I was in such dire financial straits. Me: Because you won't listen to me!   Better not start quoting because I notice that's really hard, leading to internal upselt (I. Child?) But yesterday when I spoke to M and the day before when I spoke at length with B1, I was able to parry most of their crapola - all of M's, not quite all of B1's and/or I didn't see through absolutely all of his smooth-talking till later. When I was thinking: wait a minute... There's room for interpretation there... Your opinion is not fact... I have a different opinion / view of the situation...

They, especially B1, see that my uncertain financial situation is exacerbating this dire living situation where I can't afford to move (neither removal costs nor normal standard rent which is at least double my current rent) while LL sits on his backside refusing to end the situation the way he is legally required to do. He hardly even reacted to the news that water was dripping through my bedroom ceiling all over the place on Sunday. (There's more on that on one of my Journals - must be the Of Course It's Worth It!) The leaking ceiling all over the place and not just over by the window was the last straw for me. I sent B1 and B2 an email entitled Emergency and listing the current problems. B1 took the Emergency title as cue to phone, which turned out OK, as in I didn't have to dissociate or anything. There will be much more money coming on a regular basis forever as well as tax returns from B1 to prove to a prospective LL that should I not be able to pay my rent, B1 will take over. As in: you can't see it on my tax returns, but there is money in the family. More later, I have to get ready to go to occupational T. I want to too! OT is a good place for me. 

Part of final post in previous Journal of 2 pages: I realise now - once again - how important it is for me to do things that are good for me because that helps with resilience which I need in order to keep going with my plans! And I also need in order not to be bowled over by anything from whoever.

So this is my new Journal with an important healing sentence I came up with when I was inpatient: Of course it's worth it! Because huge parts of me say that it's not worth it. Not worth it to do anything, not even worth getting out of bed and getting on with my day. Or not worth doing what I'd planned/envisaged because too small, too minor w/o remembering that when that small thing is accomplished, then I can move onto the next. When I don't accomplish that small thing, I don't move onto the next bigger thing either. I just get stuck.

It's time for a new Journal. I know I had 2 possible topics in mind. I can't even find one of them though I knnow I wrote it in the previous Journal. The other possible topic was Caring for Myself or something like that.

Now it's just New Journal. [5th Jan 2023: ETA - New title: Doing Things for ME Journal]
Some of my office stuff is still in my office, waiting to be sorted before I bring it upstairs into my apt, but the main move is done. Big change: I feel safer when I'm on my computer. Nobody can see me where I'm sitting whereas everybody wandering by could see me on my computer in the office. I didn't feel consciously unsafe, but unconsciously I must have felt so. And: w/o even trying I'm not pulling my hair out much if at all. Certainly not while on computer. So apparently SH was connected to where I was translating or surfing around, not to what I was doing.

I slept about 12 hours last night and straight through to noon. I suppose I needed it. I have a bit of ear-ache and a tickly throat. I know I should do a Corona test, I knew this a couple of hours ago, but my energy plummeted at the thought of doing it. That's unlikely to do with the impending result, it's much more likely to be connected to the process of taking the test - all the little steps.

I had a good Christmas, a nice Christmas. Zero to do with FOO. I did think about my niece who is my god-daughter but decided not to run the risk of destabilising myself by sending Christmas wishes to her via B2, her father.

This week is usually a bit of limbo time, in fact here it's called 'between the years'.

Due to structural engineering problems in the building I'm presently living in, I have to move out for a few weeks ASAP. Just found out today. Quite a lot to do, including finding somewhere to live for "several" weeks, which might be 2-3 weeks or might be 6-8, who knows?  So I think I won't be on here unless I come on briefly for some support if things get really tough.

I recently saw this linked on BBC news: https://www.ucl.ac.uk/news/2022/jul/no-evidence-depression-caused-low-serotonin-levels-finds-comprehensive-review

I don't have the knowledge to figure out whether it could be true or not. But could be interesting for those of you who don't think their meds are working.

I know this thread is for the development of cptsd in adulthood. Whereas mine obviously developed in childhood.

But it's hit me in a way it hasn't before: My FOO including both parents and my brothers are continuing to abuse me. I was reading about coercive control and that's part of it. It's not over. It's not 'post'. It's ongoing. And they're all part of it. With whatever is going on, somebody is being complicit. Whether everybody's fine with seeing me left out of photo send-arounds of my niece. Or my brothers are fine atm with them knowing what money is to be given to me but me not being privy to that information about them. Or they're fine with me grovelling for information.

No wonder it's taking me so long to heal: you CAN'T heal till you've left the abusive situation. And I haven't. Yet. Though I don't believe I'll really have left it until something happens within me. Either that, or I finally go and explode.

Anyway, this is me finally admitting to myself that I'm continuing to be abused by my FOO, though I'm 52 years old and have long since left home.

And, yes, it IS that bad.

Just yesterday morning I was in trauma therapy. We didn't go especially deep because it was just the second session. But there were more questions than last time and I gave more detail. I did feel a Part - I started getting cold, but after I did some quick re-grounding, I didn't think much more of it. Afterwards during the course of the day, I developed a pain I haven't had for a long time - on my upper sternum, high up my rib cage, just down from my neck. It's really sore and I haven't hit it or bumped into anything and I can't think how I might have pulled a muscle or anything.

***TW   PA ***




Last time I can remember similar pain in a similar place though slightly further left was over 20 years ago during a breast cancer screening. I said I have this funny lump. The gynaecologist felt it. "Ever broken a rib?" she asked. Not that I was aware of. And then an image of B1 drifted through. Which shocked me because I didn't actually have a memory of him hitting me in my upper rib-cage. It wasn't actually a spot where you could have breast cancer but my grasp of anatomy, especially female anatomy, was very bad. I would read about it and/or look at a diagram and just go blank on it. It's a bit better now but not much.



*** End TW ***

The pain today is pretty bad, like when I breathe in. I presume it was triggered yesterday in trauma T. Maybe EFT will help? Or Screen Processing? It would be good to try and help myself instead of suffering.

:lightbulb: today I started a missive to B1 and B2 about some stuff that needs to be discussed - could be that that has exacerbated what pain was already there from yesterday.