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Yes, it's exhausting, to say the least. Yoga Nidra and guided meditations helped me when silent meditation was too much. Sometimes it helps me to realize it's kind of a super power. It makes me highly in tune with my surroundings and really great at doing all sorts of things. It's like heightened intuition. But when it's too intense, like it is for me now, I struggle to figure out how to come back down or even use my coping mechanisms. Self care rituals can help me, def being alone, or finding things and going places that make me feel 'safer.' But it also makes me an amazing artist, empath, intuitive, and general observer of life, too. I think we had to activate this state to survive and it made us see between the lines. Also, some medications help me, mainly benzodiazpenes. I'm not sure I've ever really come down fully from it though. 

Thanks Dee!! I appreciate it.

Thanks Libby, you helped jog me memory of why my symptoms look like bipolar and why other provides and I decided it was probably a misdiagnosis. I was actually happy with the possibility I could be bipolar and have a normal-ish life with medication and treatment. Then I realized I had same issues on heaps of medication and treatment and I totally registered with your understanding that I just never thought I would live very long. It's the trigger for me engaging in risky behaviors. This time I barely survived a tropical disease in another country at the age I never thought I would live to or past (actually hospitalized for in and had my 30th bday there, which was the date little me had in my mind, Judith Herman talks about this in her book Trauma and Recovery). So I gave up on the bipolar thing, after years of meds and all kinds of treatment etc. I think the disappointment that this wasn't helping me is triggering me more now that people want to use it again.

I texted my therapist and I'm going to talk to her today, she's actually the kind who is a social worker and she is an awesome advocate to have on my side, even if a little short sighted about meds helping her daughter to stabilize a lot. I also read this post on a cptsd fb group i'm in about ketamine infusions and it reminded me, I do NOT have a typical reaction to almost any drug or substance, legal or otherwise. This woman hadn't received help from any meds and had a lot of 'diagnoses' that I could relate to as well. That helped me feel like someone really gets it.

Your help is also invaluable because i'm coming out of such a traumatic and abusive situation I'm having trouble with dissociation and memory of past stuff has been hard to recall! 

General trigger warning, nothing graphic

So, I've gone back and forth on this over the years. I thought, in the past, I must be Bipolar II and went on medication for this, then off. I'm certain of the CPTSD diagnosis. The symptoms can really overlap. I've just gotten out of abusive relationship with psychopath (again), I feel like I compulsively repeat trauma from childhood. It used to be unconsciously now it's somewhat conscious, and seems to give me a reason to blame/hurt myself. I saw an old therapist recently as I'm in crisis and she told me her daughter had a manic episode and seems to think I'm bipolar. It felt like she was projecting a lot but I also feel safe with her and had/have no one else who will help me. I recently went to psych hospital and psychiatrist was trained in PTSD from VA hospitals and told me she wouldn't even asses for bipolar because I have been abusing substances (cocaine, felt brainwashed to do it by drug dealer bf) that have withdrawals that could make it look like mania and psychosis. Now that the withdrawals are more or less over, I'm much more stable for sure, though still very much in crisis. Anyways, I really don't feel I have bipolar but maybe I do. I really don't want to be medicated, it hasn't really helped much in the past, and I just don't like it. She seems to think if I'm medicated everything will be fine. I'm struggling because I'm so sick of the cycle of abuse I keep ending up in. I have done major work, inpatient, outpatient, partial hospitalizations, residential treatments, therapy, medication, and major self care/behavior changes. No matter what I seem to cycle between taking good care of myself and getting help, to ending up getting abused and sick again. I"m pretty hopeless at this point. She wanted me to focus on the times I've been well. But all I can see is I keep failing at life and I'm so tired of this cycle. I wonder if she just needs to believe this for her own daughter. She didn't seem to listen when I told her that I feel like my mom is a covert sociopath and I dont feel safe having to live here again but have nowhere else to go. I just dont know what to do anymore. I feel helpless again and I hate it.

Sorry, but due to stalker finding them, I have decided to take down all my posts. Take care. 

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