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I haven't posted in a long time. Haven't been well for a long time.

So, about a month ago I went to the pysch ward for SI voluntary. They didn't tell me they put me on a 5150 hold (illegal to not inform me) then shipped me down to another hospital because county psych here is horrific and overpopulated and more like prison. I thought maybe this would be good, but I wasn't suicidal anymore. This other place put me on a 5250 two week involuntary hold and lied the whole time so they could force me to rapid taper off of valium. I am now completely losing my sanity. It was a nightmare in there. They put me on megadoses of gabapentin with horrific side effects. They trapped me and I had nurses laughing at me and telling me benzo withdrawal isn't real. In the end I had to pretend to be compliant to get out. Now i've been in my house a couple weeks losing it. I had to reinstate the valium because I couldn't take the horrible withdrawals anymore. I'm 100x worse off then when I went to the psych ward. I feel completely hopeless. 

I've been doing erratic things and feel like I've lost my sanity. I smashed my phone with a hammer. I ordered a bunch of stuff online. I'm binging on sugar. My impulse control is gone.  I can't take meds to stabilize I have massive reactions to literally ALL of them. I don't have any hope left. I'm really scared. I don't have any support and there is no way IN * I am ever calling 911 or going to a psych ward again.  I tried to go to online crisis chat and waited hours no one responds. I'm scared and I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place. Sorry 

Whew, so I recently figured out I had become dependent on Ativan (wasn't abusing, but used it near daily for 4-5 months) and it became extremely clear to me that it was playing a major role in destabilizing me because it's short acting. It did help me a lot, it really did keep me alive at points. I really did try almost every other psych drug on the market and had horrific effects and reactions. So now I'm dealing with switching to a long acting benzo (valium) to taper off gradually. That's a whole other hellish thing. I"m being compassionate with myself but I also just wanted to say that the withdrawals from the Ativan are horrific for me and I have got to completely get off of all benzos now and never go back, and it's going to take a long, long time to do this. The education on this has been beyond enlightening. I never, ever had a problem with occasional valium use in the past but the doctors wouldn't listen to me when I said that's what I needed so here I go again.

I'm reading this book for the past month titled "F*ck Feelings" (sorry for profanity moderators but it's the actual title) by a psychiatrist and his comedian daughter. I found it randomly at the library and it made me laugh so I picked it up. In no way is it minimizing of feelings, it's more about acceptance and being realistic about what we can and can't control in life, and uses some humor. It's really helped me to stop seeking this 'magic cure' to my CPTSD and other issues, and to have more realistic expectations of my recovery, and identify what I can hope to have some actual control over in my life. Sometimes, that's not much. I think I was really, really stuck in the injustice of the world. I think that was my biggest obstacle to overcoming the sort of drowning that was happening to me. In a gentle and at times humorous way, it's helped me to unravel idea of fairness and justice that was driving me mad. And also helped me see that I don't have to be fully and completely 'healed' to go on living life.

It's not so much that what I have survived was 'ok' and I accept it, more that I'm finding, for me, my biggest struggle with CPTSD was letting go of this deeply (and understandably) fear based need to have control over everything and also the feeling that everything is my fault.

What I've realized and been able to come to terms with is that crappy, abusive, and violent people exist. That horrible things happen. That I don't have to become this rainbow sunshine cured healer person who saves the world. That there is a limit to how much I can recover from trauma, and that's ok. Mostly, it's helping me let go of this perfectionist idealism that I think stems from the abuse, where we are conditioned to believe that if we do everything right, the abuser will behave, be kind, or reform somehow. It's deeply ingrained in so many of us and, for me, extends to so many different aspects of life (work, school, food, healing, people pleasing, etc). And I seem to be much more proud of what I can accomplish despite my own disabilities and struggles.

Despite the silly title, I'm finding it very empowering. It's actually written as an anti self-help book and is helping me let go of the need to constantly 'fix' myself. It really seems to have snapped me back into my body and the present and helped me move forward as well. It makes sense to me because the inability to accept lack of control over life is really the major basis of my overwhelming and debilitating fears that keep me trapped. It's a really big shift and I'm feeling quite proud of myself.

Haven't posted in awhile, I was doing much better after a diet change back to paleo (this is tricky for me because of past eating disorders and issues but has such a positive impact on my mood stabilization, gut health, and hormonal regulation I just decided to deal with it. That and I realized I had become dependent on the low dose of ativan I have been taking so when I started taking same time every day I leveled out (and now am dealing with a switch to long action so I can taper off totally, not an easy process by any means).

Anyways I'm off topic, but I had gotten a new therapist about a month ago who supposedly specializes in trauma and EMDR 20+ years. Seemed nice. I guess we have had about four sessions. I want to post the red flags for feedback cause I'm thinking I have to stop seeing her now and they are getting worse. Need to process here...

I felt for a bit that she was being to pushy, suggesting too many things for me to change, as mentioned above I've made huge changes. I've also been finally able to get out of the house and go for walks. I've been doing other things than just watching tv, I finally got some temporary aide that gives me a tiny bit more financial freedom. I've overcome MASSIVE barriers and issues. When I mentioned it was too much she said ''she didn't realize", but then she kept doing this and making more suggestions in the future anyways. This is triggering for me, it reminds me of trying to please narcissist abusers, who always move the goal posts, and I tried to explain my perfectionist tendencies and that I need to focus on keeping up the huge changes I've just made.

At first I thought I was just getting annoyed with her because it was a safe space to feel angry. Then come the super weird comments about narcissists. I'm now suspecting she may be one, or is very sympathetic anyways. There was this one moment where she said something about how they are injured, and I can't quite recall it exactly. But it was like her whole face changed in an aggressive way, she leaned forward in the chair, and it felt very defensive> I can still see it. I challenged her and said that's not always true, some are just overly entitled, because that's the current research, which also shows they don't suffer from low self esteem at all. But does it even matter? It was weird.

Then there is the matter of her pushing me to imagine or make up or remember a safe person, for the purposes of EMDR work. I kept telling her that I have never felt safe with any person and so imagining what this feels like isn't possible. No empathy at all, just frustrated with me. Keeps repeating for me to 'just imagine'. How can I imagine something with no frame of reference? Also pushing to put myself in protective bubble of safety, yeah I tried that didn't work. I feel she is annoyed that I don't find all her suggestions helpful...it feels impatient and pushy. And when I say I don't want to bring up a trauma (because I don't feel safe with her lol), she gives a loud OK switches to the weather or something stupid. It's only been like 4 sessions for goodness sake.

Then this last session was nuts. Out of nowhere, she decided to say that psychopaths can sometimes be a good thing, like as politicians. I was like WHAT? She says, oh, you don't agree? Smiling. Are you kidding me, do 6 million jews who were murdered agree? Or how about all the people being discriminated against and oppressed by these types in general. Seriously. WHAT? I had mentioned that the psychopaths I had to deal with, especially the last one, were extremely intelligent and it made them much more dangerous and psychologically abusive in so many ways. Her actual response to that was "it must have been nice to be around such smart people." AGAIN, WHAT? It took me an actual minute to understand what she had even just said.

Then she switched up to asking me if I had ever been homicidal or psychotic. Excuse me? Where did that come from? Seemed like some weird blame shifting thing. She proceeded to ask me if I knew all my triggers and then say that I'm spending all of my time being triggered, and I have built a wall around myself, and she doesn't know how not to trigger me. Felt like an attack here. And manipulative. I'm actually not spending all my time triggered and even if I was is this appropriate thing to say? Oh, and then to top it all off, she asks me "what REAL stressors I have in my life, besides my mother, since I don't have a job, I'm not going through a divorce, I don't have kids." Implying that I shouldn't be so unwell. I called her out and said that was minimizing, got very quiet, and said I need to leave and go for a walk, and left early.

I'm never going back to see her but omg, I'm having terrible luck with therapists. It took me like four months to even get into one and now this. I'm trying not to ruminate on it, she is clearly not qualified, at best. I'm scared to call and cancel because I really don't want to talk to her ever again. I feel a little unhinged because this benzodiazapine taper is rough and I had hoped to have some one on one support.

A therapist at the dual recovery program I'm in (who is awesome, wish I could see her but not possible), said something like, when you know as much as I do about trauma and abuse some therapists are just not going to be able to deal with that. And I think that's it, I think instead of being supportive her ego is threatened. I have this residual shame about not opening up about any specific trauma to her, and that's not right at all. I should feel safe and comfortable with her to a degree, luckily I have had great therapists where this was the case or I might think this was normal.

Red flags everywhere. Guess I just cut my losses. I'm getting better at that. But this is still aggravating and triggering. It's hard enough to even want to go into a new therapist or do any more work at all, LET ALONE find someone here with openings. Ok, rant over.


(moved from other thread)

Time to start one of these where I can just ramble.

I realized today that I was feeling badly about feeling good yesterday (and today). Like it's not allowed. I'm sick and just have to be sick and miserable all the time or I'm lying, I'm making it up. That's how my M treated me as a child. She would take me to Dr eventually most of the time, but always treated me like a 'hypochondriac' because I had tummy problems at age 4-5 and the doctors didn't find anything. I know now abused children often have this symptom. She never wanted me to take meds or get treatments. This was negligence abuse and gas-lighting. I still struggle today to go to the DR, or to believe my illnesses are real.

I'm having a bad bout of CPTSD, understandably, rn and many days I feel shame about it and I'm just making it up. I'm reading as much as I can to remember this is a severe illness that is very debilitating, to validate myself. I had to drop AA because of the invalidating platitudes and victim blaming stuff. I realized my sponsor who claimed she has PTSD, doesn't think it's even real. She runs the AA groups in this place where severely mentally ill individuals (majority are legally 'conserved' so their guardians have rights over them) live. I remember her saying in a meeting that, 'they choose to be there'. Most of them were put there without consent. Looking back, uhhh WHAT. No, they don't. RED FLAG. I'm glad trauma seems to be in public eye now, but I'm starting to get a little annoyed with how everyone who has experienced trauma thinks they have PTSD when I mention that I do. They don't, or they wouldn't be telling me AA will cure it.

And I'm happy for them if they don't, it's not something that is enjoyable. It's not something I 'choose' to experience, I am not 'playing a victim role'. I'm not just 'being negative,' I'm not just lazy and don't want to work, I'm not doing any of this for fun, it's excruciating. I have a very real neurologically and somatically based disorder because of what I survived and how my brain and body developed because of that and it's very difficult to overcome and just 'let go', thank you very much! It's a threat to my life bc of persistent SI and attempts, because of highly dangerous retraumatizations that have occurred. Because I am disabled and not able to work or care for myself much of my life...

It's a wonder I'm alive and so it's not always easy to know how to feel good, or even to feel allowed to a good day. Just coming out of horrific DV, I'm scared. And I'm scared of being kicked out on the streets for having a good day at my M's house, and I have no one to enjoy it with so I'm sharing it here.

So i'm feeling like I'm really seeing how I get re-victimized. Yeah, I understand a lot about abuse trauma and the personality types who perpetuate it. I'm not saying in any way it's my fault they did what they did to me. But this last relationship really broke down all my walls. It was the first time I ever, ever let anyone get that close to me. That I ever let anyone in like that. I have been in a prison cell of isolation my whole life, terrified of the world. I have been in many abusive relationships with psychopaths, in particular. But this one was so intense. It was the most traumatic in so many ways and also the most painful emotionally. I really thought he loved me. I feel like I'm finally having some insights on my core vulnerabilities that unfortunately have made me a target for these types.

I guess what I see in myself is that I have this pervasive sense of emptiness, it's more than the loneliness. I feel like I don't have an identity without being attached to someone who I sacrifice myself completely to, someone who I give everything to, who takes everything away and treats me like I'm never enough. That seems to be my subconscious belief of what 'love is'. And I knew he was a malignant narcissist and I was drawn to him anyways. That was different this time and really bizarre, I couldn't stop myself in some sense. I got away from him for six months had a breakdown and went back and it was an absolute nightmare. I was out of my mind when I returned. Almost dying in a foreign county triggered an epic dissociative episode and that's where I ended up. I had tried to create this business and the stress of it nearly killed me.

The emptiness goes further to the feeling that I don't exist if a) I'm not saving someone or b) I'm not being traumatized. I've bounced back and forth between these two roles with various toxic types, they are all takers and exploiters and none of them ever really cared about me.

I also tried to make a career out of helping people with trauma and I probably still could, but I'm starting to think that's not a good idea. I'm not mentally healthy right now and it will always be triggering. But it's really hard for me to let this go. I feel like it's my life purpose, but now I'm wondering if that's just because I don't actually know how to live a "normal" life. Like, abuse and other trauma are my normal since I was in utero. It's like my identity is trauma and when I let that go I am empty and end up consuming other people's trauma. By that I mean helping DV victims or binge watching too much TV/movies.

I don't feel like I know how to just be a human. I was reading about dissociative disorders and I definitely suffer from dissociative amnesia and also the depersonalization/derealization as well. It doesn't feel like anything is 'real'. Or more like I live in a different space of reality from the rest of the world. And I just kind of gathered that doesn't apply to other people with trauma. That's all I can really relate to. Then I feel engaged and connected and like I can do something/be somebody. It's like nothing else feels possible. As though I'm stuck in this endless trauma loop since childhood.

I found myself being terrified of him coming to get me, he did make threats, but what's really making me see my own disfunction is that it's almost exciting. I was like excited that he was going to come and kill me. Like I'm bored and listless without death threats and psychopathic abuse. This is hard to admit. Because I really don't enjoy being abused, but something in me craves the insanity. When it happens I hate it, I'm terrified, I feel trapped and it's horrible, obviously. But I wonder if I am actually chemically dependent on the adrenaline and stress hormones, in the same way I feel compelled to care take as a survival mechanism.

I only really saw this the last year or so and it's been very confusing to watch myself and have the awareness of things that were totally subconscious before, even if I couldn't stop myself from acting and seeking out these dangerous people and situations. That's the rub: I still couldn't stop myself and it allowed him to trap me further because he knew this and used it to blame me for what he did, and it led me to really blame myself and stay stuck. And it's tough to write about here.

So my whole identity at this point is being shattered. I'm not sure who I am. I mean, I'm not sure what my purpose is if I get to reinvent myself and just live. If It's not complete self sacrifice to other people in some way.

Who am I without being a victim of abuse? I'm baffled.

So I guess I give up the work I was doing, I mean at this point it's not healthy for me, but this isn't going to be so easy. Because I have no idea what else to do. What kind of regular type job should I get? I get bored so easily. I'm not sure I'm ready to work yet with as I'm still dealing with this nervous breakdown but I'm wondering has anyone ever felt this way? Like you don't know who you are without trauma or being a rescuer or victim? If so, what did you do? How did you begin to really start living. 

I am constantly exhausted, even when I do nothing at all. I'm kind of more in the depression side of things. Most nights, I wake up generally early in the am and kind of go back to sleep. I wonder if it's also fatigue from the anxiety. But even on a 'good' or better emotional day I feel like I have been hit by a truck at almost all times. Can anyone relate or have any tips. It's such a struggle.

General trigger warning, nothing graphic

So, I've gone back and forth on this over the years. I thought, in the past, I must be Bipolar II and went on medication for this, then off. I'm certain of the CPTSD diagnosis. The symptoms can really overlap. I've just gotten out of abusive relationship with psychopath (again), I feel like I compulsively repeat trauma from childhood. It used to be unconsciously now it's somewhat conscious, and seems to give me a reason to blame/hurt myself. I saw an old therapist recently as I'm in crisis and she told me her daughter had a manic episode and seems to think I'm bipolar. It felt like she was projecting a lot but I also feel safe with her and had/have no one else who will help me. I recently went to psych hospital and psychiatrist was trained in PTSD from VA hospitals and told me she wouldn't even asses for bipolar because I have been abusing substances (cocaine, felt brainwashed to do it by drug dealer bf) that have withdrawals that could make it look like mania and psychosis. Now that the withdrawals are more or less over, I'm much more stable for sure, though still very much in crisis. Anyways, I really don't feel I have bipolar but maybe I do. I really don't want to be medicated, it hasn't really helped much in the past, and I just don't like it. She seems to think if I'm medicated everything will be fine. I'm struggling because I'm so sick of the cycle of abuse I keep ending up in. I have done major work, inpatient, outpatient, partial hospitalizations, residential treatments, therapy, medication, and major self care/behavior changes. No matter what I seem to cycle between taking good care of myself and getting help, to ending up getting abused and sick again. I"m pretty hopeless at this point. She wanted me to focus on the times I've been well. But all I can see is I keep failing at life and I'm so tired of this cycle. I wonder if she just needs to believe this for her own daughter. She didn't seem to listen when I told her that I feel like my mom is a covert sociopath and I dont feel safe having to live here again but have nowhere else to go. I just dont know what to do anymore. I feel helpless again and I hate it.

Sorry, but due to stalker finding them, I have decided to take down all my posts. Take care. 

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