Not so great new therapist

[artemis23]

Haven't posted in awhile, I was doing much better after a diet change back to paleo (this is tricky for me because of past eating disorders and issues but has such a positive impact on my mood stabilization, gut health, and hormonal regulation I just decided to deal with it. That and I realized I had become dependent on the low dose of ativan I have been taking so when I started taking same time every day I leveled out (and now am dealing with a switch to long action so I can taper off totally, not an easy process by any means).

Anyways I'm off topic, but I had gotten a new therapist about a month ago who supposedly specializes in trauma and EMDR 20+ years. Seemed nice. I guess we have had about four sessions. I want to post the red flags for feedback cause I'm thinking I have to stop seeing her now and they are getting worse. Need to process here...

I felt for a bit that she was being to pushy, suggesting too many things for me to change, as mentioned above I've made huge changes. I've also been finally able to get out of the house and go for walks. I've been doing other things than just watching tv, I finally got some temporary aide that gives me a tiny bit more financial freedom. I've overcome MASSIVE barriers and issues. When I mentioned it was too much she said ''she didn't realize", but then she kept doing this and making more suggestions in the future anyways. This is triggering for me, it reminds me of trying to please narcissist abusers, who always move the goal posts, and I tried to explain my perfectionist tendencies and that I need to focus on keeping up the huge changes I've just made.

At first I thought I was just getting annoyed with her because it was a safe space to feel angry. Then come the super weird comments about narcissists. I'm now suspecting she may be one, or is very sympathetic anyways. There was this one moment where she said something about how they are injured, and I can't quite recall it exactly. But it was like her whole face changed in an aggressive way, she leaned forward in the chair, and it felt very defensive> I can still see it. I challenged her and said that's not always true, some are just overly entitled, because that's the current research, which also shows they don't suffer from low self esteem at all. But does it even matter? It was weird.

Then there is the matter of her pushing me to imagine or make up or remember a safe person, for the purposes of EMDR work. I kept telling her that I have never felt safe with any person and so imagining what this feels like isn't possible. No empathy at all, just frustrated with me. Keeps repeating for me to 'just imagine'. How can I imagine something with no frame of reference? Also pushing to put myself in protective bubble of safety, yeah I tried that didn't work. I feel she is annoyed that I don't find all her suggestions helpful...it feels impatient and pushy. And when I say I don't want to bring up a trauma (because I don't feel safe with her lol), she gives a loud OK switches to the weather or something stupid. It's only been like 4 sessions for goodness sake.

Then this last session was nuts. Out of nowhere, she decided to say that psychopaths can sometimes be a good thing, like as politicians. I was like WHAT? She says, oh, you don't agree? Smiling. Are you kidding me, do 6 million jews who were murdered agree? Or how about all the people being discriminated against and oppressed by these types in general. Seriously. WHAT? I had mentioned that the psychopaths I had to deal with, especially the last one, were extremely intelligent and it made them much more dangerous and psychologically abusive in so many ways. Her actual response to that was "it must have been nice to be around such smart people." AGAIN, WHAT? It took me an actual minute to understand what she had even just said.

Then she switched up to asking me if I had ever been homicidal or psychotic. Excuse me? Where did that come from? Seemed like some weird blame shifting thing. She proceeded to ask me if I knew all my triggers and then say that I'm spending all of my time being triggered, and I have built a wall around myself, and she doesn't know how not to trigger me. Felt like an attack here. And manipulative. I'm actually not spending all my time triggered and even if I was is this appropriate thing to say? Oh, and then to top it all off, she asks me "what REAL stressors I have in my life, besides my mother, since I don't have a job, I'm not going through a divorce, I don't have kids." Implying that I shouldn't be so unwell. I called her out and said that was minimizing, got very quiet, and said I need to leave and go for a walk, and left early.

I'm never going back to see her but omg, I'm having terrible luck with therapists. It took me like four months to even get into one and now this. I'm trying not to ruminate on it, she is clearly not qualified, at best. I'm scared to call and cancel because I really don't want to talk to her ever again. I feel a little unhinged because this benzodiazapine taper is rough and I had hoped to have some one on one support.

A therapist at the dual recovery program I'm in (who is awesome, wish I could see her but not possible), said something like, when you know as much as I do about trauma and abuse some therapists are just not going to be able to deal with that. And I think that's it, I think instead of being supportive her ego is threatened. I have this residual shame about not opening up about any specific trauma to her, and that's not right at all. I should feel safe and comfortable with her to a degree, luckily I have had great therapists where this was the case or I might think this was normal.

Red flags everywhere. Guess I just cut my losses. I'm getting better at that. But this is still aggravating and triggering. It's hard enough to even want to go into a new therapist or do any more work at all, LET ALONE find someone here with openings. Ok, rant over.


(moved from other thread)

[radical]

I'm really sorry you had to experience this.  I think no matter our guesses we can never know why some therapists are so far off, whether threat, ineptitude, psychological issues of their own, lack of understanding, flat-out cruelty...

I'm so glad you are never going back.  I wish I had been wise enough to not override my feelings and instincts with a previous therapist and been able to avoid a whole lot of additional harm.  IMO there is nowhere near enough understanding of the damage that can be done by bad therapy, whatever the cause.

edited to add (after re-reading your post artemis23):
I didn't mean to be judgemental in saying we can never know. 
We never know for sure, anything anyone else thinks of feels, but we can sure-as-* read red-flags, and it's important to be able to say how we feel including the apparent reasons, when someone hurts us.  There are patterns if not knowldege.  I think what hit my buttons is that I believe the psychiatrist I mention below, was belittling my understanding on my own trauma because he knows virtually nothing about trauma. It was painful and crazy-making).

I'm in a similar situation with a psychiatrist who was just peripherally involved with me, in prescribing medication, but who due to circumstances, became involved in attempting therapy with me against my expressed wishes, in an extremely vulnerable context.  Last week I spent a couple of hours with him and still feel blind-sided, in shock almost.  I need to take action to prevent further harm and it puts me in a very difficult situation in extricating myself.

My actual therapist is wonderful, understands CPTSD.  The difference that understanding and attunement makes amazes me.  I fear that it is rare to find a competent therapist, but maybe i'm just pessimistic.  The harm in working with someone who doesn't know what they are doing, especially if they have major issues of their own, can be catastrophic, imo, and I wonder how many people have ended up with severely compunded trauma issues through inept treatment, even from the most well-meaning practitioners, and the damage is blamed on the person's underlying condition rather than the harmful and inappropriate treatment.

[FrillyFarmGirl]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this! I concur that you can and are allowed to listen to your gut.

Lots of the doctors and therapists I have ever met have a bit of a God complex. Never hurts to give them real feedback along with any gratitude for things that were actually helpful.

I have done 3 sessions with a therapist who said he is able to help with CPTSD but really he just more of a self-help encouragement style therapist. So he didn't have real ability to help me with the issues I was facing, kept chalking it up to motherhood stress.

So I have fired him, but as nicely as I could via email, for my own sake.

We have to be our own best advocate as well as manager of our care, unfortunately at times.

Again I am so sorry for the frustration and added stress this brings... And any triggers / feelings of betrayal.

Hugs.

[Libby183]

Dear Artemis.

Right now I find myself in a very similar position to you with regards to a therapist.  I came across so many similar red flags to the ones you describe.  Like your therapist,  she was very,  very pushy with advice about how I should live my life, and she was constantly telling me that my n mother was deeply injured so I had to forgive her. Sounds as if they went to the same "therapy school"!

I don't know about you, but I was left very confused.  I definitely felt as if she was playing mind games with me. So then I questioned myself whether this was because she was a poor therapist or whether she did have a genuine motive behind her seeming aggression and keeness to provoke me. I just don't know. Some of her advice was good, but it was advice anyone could give.

My whole feeling about the therapy experience was that I have been "cured" of the desire to seek help which is a positive result for the NHS.
But I am very pleased to hear that you have experienced good therapists.  Because you know what a good therapist is like, then it seems as if you have made the right decision to ditch a bad one. That's a sign of strength,  I believe.

Good luck to you and I would be very interested to hear how things go for you.

Take care,

Libby.

[Rainagain]

I agree with Libby, I too have been cured of wanting therapy.

The impression I got from your post Artemis is that the T seems quick to judge, to put her interpretation and values onto you which undermines you and your values.

I would have thought exploring your situation through your eyes would be the best approach, you aren't going to see her every week to know more about her opinions of you or her views in general.

The fact she can't separate your story and her ego is a poor sign.

All you need to recognise is that none of us here could trust someone doing that, Therapy shouldn't be like a point scoring debate which is what your experience sounds like.

Trust your instincts.

[sanmagic7]

o, artemis, my heart aches every time i read about this happening.  so very sorry you've had this experience.

i am an emdr therapist for over 25 yrs.  for one thing, your red flags are spot on in every area.

the idea of a safe person is completely uncalled for.  i belong to an emdr online support community, and it's been established that, altho the original idea was to imagine a safe place, it's been changed to helping the client find a calm place/space that they either know about or can imagine.  these t's have recognized, at least some of them, that for trauma victims, no person or place might necessarily seem 'safe'.

everything else you mentioned that caused you to question what was going on - you're absolutely right. 

libby has also posted about her t sympathizing with the perp(s), and, again, i find that completely out of line.  you are there to get help healing your wounds, not worrying about the possible wounds of others.  we don't know how anyone's past has affected them - all we know for sure is how they treat us.  that's all we need to know when seeking therapy.

as far as canceling your next appt., if there is no fee charged for not canceling, i'd encourage you to just let it be.  if there is a fee for not canceling, could you possibly send an email to do so?  keep it as impersonal and distant as possible for your own sake.  if you do have to call, maybe calling at a time when your t might be asleep, just leave a message, hang up.  if your t answers, i'd make the message short, to the point, and hang up.  you don't need to give explanations or otherwise engage in conversation.

keep yourself as safe as possible - priority one.  i am just so p'd off that there have been so many of these harmful, hurtful therapeutic experiences out there.  grinds my gears to know any of you are getting hurt all over again by a person who is supposed to be helping you to heal.  grrrrr!!!

you have nothing to be ashamed about, artemis - that t was not a safe person to open up with.  she had plenty to work with and dropped the ball.  it's all on her.  you did nothing wrong.  again, very sorry you had to go thru that.  love and hugs to you.

[artemis23]

Aw, thanks guys for the amazing support and validation. I can totally relate to those of you who feel cured of the need to seek therapy. Honestly, I'm not really even sure it has much to offer me after ten years of it. It would take someone really special/competent anyways and I'm just not finding that. I at least have this little program I'm in a few times a week and am making a lot of progress on my own now. I at least feel out of the suicidal period and deep depression and am taking really good care of myself compared to a month ago. I started to feel hope about the future. I think for me at this point self management is important anyways. And especially avoiding more toxic and abusive future relationships. I feel cured of that and I think it will be the most helpful thing. If anything, she should have been offering me coping skills for triggers for goodness sake.

[sanmagic7]

you sound plenty strong, artemis, and i think that's great.  i do think that knowing yourself and what you need is going to be your best bet.  here's to progress!  love and hugs.

[artemis23]

Thanks, I just ended up texting her to cancel all future appointments, it's not working out for me, and then I blocked her. Because I really don't feel safe and need to hear any more of her judgements about what she wants me to be doing or how it's my fault. Enough is enough. Boundaries enforced! No shame, no shame. Just a little residual disappointment it didn't work out but hey I've got my little outpatient program group therapy and that can be helpful so onwards and upwards.

[Deep Blue]

Artemis,
So sorry for having to deal with that.  Way to cancel the rest of it.   

[FrillyFarmGirl]

GOOD FOR YOU!!!!

[sanmagic7]

well done, artemis.  excellent way to deal with her.