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it seemed to me, from what you described, blanca, that the first girl who was meters ahead might have wanted the girl who was talking to you to hurry up, but maybe whispered cuz she didn't want to seem rude and interrupting your conversation.  i don't think she was necessarily whispering about you personally, so, if it were me, i wouldn't be too concerned about it.

it does sound like it triggered you back to an earlier time at school when those kinds of things may have happened and someone wasn't being very nice,   i wouldn't think this was the same case, though.  university level students often have more hurrying to do because their schedules are more crowded.  sorry this caused such a bad reaction for you.  big hug.

i'll take the hug, 3roses, and thanks so much.  i know that epsom salts are good for pain like that, i witnessed my elder d going thru that, having to take 2 baths/day, and she said it helped.

i think part of my reluctance here is also cuz it's a shared tub - other people use it.  i don't know, i don't feel comfy staying in that bathroom for very long.  i take the shortest showers in the house!  not that it isn't clean, cuz it is, but right now i'm just not comfy with the idea.  thank you for the suggestion, too.  i didn't mean to be abrupt.  i would've never thought of it.

maybe one day i'll get up my nerve.  we'll see.    back to you.

i don't blame you for being angry about that.  she kept denying your personal experience, like she knows how everyone is supposed to feel, think. be, etc.    sorry you went thru that, blanca.   big hug to you.

i also thought of writing it down.  maybe that could even be a first step for you, dee.  see if you can even write it down, make it tangible.  then you can decide if you want to go further, when, how, all that stuff.

you're absolutely right, therapy can be very, very hard.  after all, we're searching into the darkest corners of our beings to bring the muck out into the light.  take your time, sweetie.  your pace, your space.  it will come out when you're ready.   

i totally agree it's hard to discover some of these things.  i do the flight thing by hurrying, also - not necessarily walking fast, but by getting all my chores/errands done so that i can go back to my room and relax.  just by saying that here, i discovered how unrelaxed i must feel the rest of the time.  yikes!

i can relate, too.  it feels like some people are asking because they're intrusive, like they're checking up on me.  those are the ones i feel defensive toward.

just got triggered in another post.  no fault of theirs, it's my own stuff, but man o man, this was a bad one.  i'm worn out now, but lots of crap was let loose.  too much pain.  i don't know.

your post just came while i was writing this.  thanks for the suggestion, 3roses.  unfortunately, since i've been a little girl, i have not liked baths.  tried bubble and whatever when an adult, too, they don't relax me.  never have.  neither do showers.  i wish they did - so many people speak of them so lovingly.  just a weirdo, i guess. 

that just brought more tears.  i wish i could be more like others, find this stuff relaxing, soothing, and such.  i really do.  crying too hard now, gotta stop.

redrat, somehow i knew exactly what she meant when she said she couldn't believe it.  i could feel it - that she couldn't believe how hurtful people could be.  i could feel it that she knew about you and your truth, could speak to it, acknowledge it, and let you know that she knew.  i could kiss her, too.  big hug full of hope and love and a great whoppin' bunny tail.

d.r., i really enjoy your dialogues.  such creativity.  such truths.

i don't think any one of us can totally understand any other one of us.  context, itself, can be subjective.  like, yeah, i can relate to being emotionally neglected like you (as an example), but the pure context of that situation will be completely personal.  it won't have been done by exactly the same person in exactly the same way, time, or place in our lives. 

you mentioned before that as you're getting more in touch with your emotional side, that you are also now feeling more of others' pain.  that must mean you are becoming more than just an observer already.  it sounds like a shift has been made.  that, to me, my friend, is magic.  the magic of the universe.  non-logical.  does that give you context?

i don't know.  i do think it gives you something valuable, tho.  it gives you the knowledge that life and interaction are more than logic and reasoning.  i see you growing, d.r., in a fine and wonderful way.  beautiful.  magical.  sparkling.

big hug to you, sweetie, filled with continuance and love. 

thank you, d.r.  so very sweet of you.  and, you're right, it's been the amount of time this has gone on without appropriate emotional expression, without any emotional relief, that is taking its toll.  still, i'm going downhill because of it right now, and if i don't do something, i'll drown.

the muscle and mind relaxers yesterday seem to have helped a bit.  lots of sleep, not so many knives stabbing me in the back (hmmm . . .  do i smell a metaphor there?  o my heart, i do!   death by a thousand cuts.)

i'll be looking into a massage therapist tomorrow, see if i can get some help that way.  i massage my muscles several times a day, but i can't do this by myself.  i just know, from past experience, how much it will hurt, and i'm not looking forward to that at all.  hopefully, she will eventually work out and will get to know me and my problems, and will be intuitive enough to know what my body needs.  is that too much to ask?  hahahaha!

anyway, a better day today.  i'm getting pretty doggone tired of this, tho.  one more time.

3roses, you beautiful, courageous thing, you.  stampeding turtles.  absolutely loved that. 

i'm just so glad you're feeling better, that you took that break, that you've worked thru enough to make a difference for yourself in a pos. way.  that's the best.   big hug full of laughter and love.

hey, a.a.,

sounds like you've definitely made some great progress.  you're doing a lot of hard work to accomplish that.

severe depression is going to mess with your mind, making it hard to concentrate and focus on things such as your identity.  i wouldn't be so hard on myself, if i were you.  getting out of a severely depressed state is going to take a lot of energy all by itself.  it doesn't leave much room for some of the finer details we want to tackle.

i believe that as you continue to progress in your recovery, you'll be able to find your 'self' more and more.  it'll come.  it's the old saying of 'we have to learn to walk before we can run'.  you'll get there - of that i have no doubt.  big hug to you my dear, full of patience and love.

i'm with blueberry on this, and couldn't have said it better.  you deserve to have the help and care you need.  all these indications of not being able to move forward warrant something more than what's going on for you right now. 

big warm, loving hug to you.

camille, maybe this is an ef (i had one last year that lasted 8 mos., just had to wait it out, cuz, like you, i couldn't follow those steps, either), and maybe you're feeling this way cuz you have a unique perspective on the world, life, living, that those other 'real' adults just don't have.  that doesn't mean anything bad for you, just different.

there are as many perspectives as there are people.  i've written about having a 4-yr. old's curiosity, optimism, sense of adventure, and universal love for people and everything else.  i'm not going to 'grow up; from that cuz i like those qualities about myself.  they could be classified as naive or childish, too, but i'd rather think of them as 'childlike' in their acceptance and simplicity.

it could be that these people who are labeling you are causing self-doubt in yourself.  maybe you could step back, take a look at what they're saying about you specifically, and decide for yourself what's true, what isn't, what you want to keep, what you want to change.  that's a very adult thing to do.

having difficulty in public places is pretty common for those of us who have been traumatized.  i don't see it the way it's been labeled for you, but as symptoms left over from our various traumas that we definitely can 'grow' thru as we continue in recovery.   personally, i think you're doing fine.  a few blips on the radar here and there, maybe, but as you keep posting, you're continuing to grow. 

big hug, camille, filled with self-confidence and love.

welcome, aliasgrace. 

i don't quite know where i am in recovery, either.  sometimes it's more up, sometimes not so much.  but, progress is key, and you'll get a lot of support to help you with that.  glad you're out of that relationship.  i'm a recovering alcoholic, so i know a bit about that part, too.  very glad you're here.