Messages

sceal,

the only time i can remember feeling the feeling of joy is when my oldest daughter took her first step.  it washed over me so completely (i was 31 at the time) that i knew what it was even tho i'd never felt it before.  i don't remember feeling it since, either.

i know that my lack of feeling emotions comes from the alexithymia i have which pretty much prevents me from recognizing, understanding, or verbalizing how i feel.   i'd be interested to know what kind of concern your t is talking about.   that may be something for you to ask at your next session.

in the meantime, i don't think it's something for you to worry about.  you'll either feel it or you won't.  i don't know what not feeling joy means for you, or why your t would be 'concerned'.  i hope you get an explanation for that. 

sending you a hug filled with mindfulness and calm.

i've had bullies in my life, and can totally relate to grieving what i've lost, what could have been, and what never was.  sometimes i feel like that's all i'm doing is grieving because there's been so much related to loss.  just want you to know you're not alone.  sending a hug filled with compassion.

hey, dr,

i think it's a positive thing that you were able to feel that heartwarming feeling come over you.  to me it says that the part of you that intrinsically has known from the time you were born that you deserve help, care, comfort, love, and kindness is still alive, if only a spark.  still, that spark can be fanned into a brilliant flame.  by coming here, you've taken the first step in fanning that spark.

we were born knowing what we deserve, and we were very vocal about getting those needs met.  it's the messages that were louder and stronger than our own that drowned out our own knowing.   i believe we can defeat this c-ptsd beast with love, and everything love entails.  it will restore our knowing as we keep moving in recovery.

so glad you're here.  sending you a hug filled with gentleness and nurturing.

really good insight, ah, on self-care with this stuff.  it definitely can become overwhelming if we take in too much too fast.  i learned that the hard way.  so, flower, your pace, your recovery.  each step, no matter how small, counts.  you've got this.  sending you a hug filled with insight and comfort.

blueberry, thank you so much.  even an imaginary candle counts in my book.  it will be lighting my way along with the rest of them, and giving me warmth as well.  and thank you both for reaffirming for me that it's ok for me to be pissy about this.  i'm so not used to that being ok.  people usually get really upset when i get mad, and somehow i end up being hurt because of it.  a pattern in my life.

i appreciate you all so much, i can't even begin to tell you.  big hug to you.

awww, sceal, how very sweet.  3 candles, the darkness isn't quite as black.  thank you so much.  unbelievable!

i was probing the area on my scalp that the doc pretty much cleared when he took the biopsies, and felt the creeping crud growing and showing more once again.  it sent me into a pretty bad funk this morning.   if it's growing this quickly in a month, i can't imagine what it's done in 10 yrs.  not good food for thought.

i'm afraid i'm just a bummer here these past weeks.   i am not feeling well mentally or emotionally.  my body is in more pain than ever.  i feel nearly paralyzed by stress.  this is the one place i feel ok to just let this out, get it outside of me, see it on the screen. 

ok, that brought on a bought of anger, and my bed paid the price.  it felt good, tho, pounding it out.  i have a bit more energy right this minute.  i am so p.o'd about this!!!  dang, i hate that this is happening to me.  good - righteous anger to the fore.  blast those incompetents who let this grow for so long.  i hate them all!!!

i'm all for mind opening, so i'm really glad you did decide to write.  another step forward, sceal.  yay, you.

you're gonna get there, of that i have no doubt.  you're doing exactly what you need to do for you, exactly the way you're able to do it.   i see progress.   sending you a hug filled with more mind-opening moments and lots of caring.

hey, berceuse,

if i may suggest, how about starting with something small?  city and job are awfully big subjects.  could you think of something that would be positive for you, that would still be heading you back on track, only in a smaller way?  maybe to incorporate some routine or daily ritual that has a healing effect on you and helps you see options in a clearer way.

just a thought.  i know this stuff can be a struggle to the nth degree.  i wish you all the best.  i think, actually, that taking time to think about it is a step in the right direction itself.  sending you a hug filled with clarity and decisiveness.

hey, wanda,

i recently left my hub of 15 years for some of the same reasons.  i'd thought of leaving him off and on for several years before that.  altho he is a good man, and has been good to me in many ways, too many times our differences of opinion ended up in bickering, until it was nearly a daily occurrence.

you will do what's best for you in your own time and space.  living with someone who consistently calls you stupid and undermines your decisions seems like a pretty tough row to hoe.   you do deserve to be respected for what you think is right for you.  i'm another who chose what i love to do instead of following a money trail.

i'm all for discussions in a partnership, rather than having to ask permission.  discussing something seems to me to be more of an adventure between equals, whereas asking permission sounds more like an imbalance of power.  we can discuss ideas, hear the pros and cons, and still do what we want without having someone's permission.  maybe they won't agree with our decision, but that's ok.  2 adults aren't always going to agree, but can still support and respect each other.

best to you with this.   it's a difficult decision, one that only you can make.  sending you a hug filled with confidence and clarity.

hey, juliat,

i have symptoms such as yours, especially not being able to move well.  it's like my brain is sending out the messages, but my muscles aren't receiving.  i've experienced them anywhere from 3 days to 3 months.

they usually happen after an extremely stressful situation, or a culmination of same.  the stress can be mental, emotional, or physical.  onset is sudden - i'm ok going in, then my legs simply stop working.  my best bet for recovery has also been rest and reduced stimulation.

lately, i've discovered that when some type of stress occurs that would normally cause my legs to become wonky, if i get angry about it, my body doesn't react with 'the slows', as i call them.  it's led me to believe that it's an emotional repression that's causing such a reaction.

several times in the past few months (especially dealing with lots of docs and medical crap) i would just let my anger fly when hearing a diagnosis (i apologize afterwards, but it really feels good to just let it out), and i've been able to walk out of the office normally.  before that, i'd walk out on wobbly legs, bent over like an old crone, moving very slowly.  i've even been offered wheelchairs when personnel observed this.

now i'm thinking there is power in my anger, power that i haven't felt in my body for over 20 years - that's how long this has been going on for me.  i got an mri after a doc noticed this, but was told everything is normal.  they wouldn't schedule me for more than a routine mri, so i can only hold my own counsel on how 'normal' my brain/mind is.

just wanted you to know that you're not alone with this, and how i'm discovering there might be a connection between my emotions and my muscles.  i think it is 'all in my head', but now i can see it as a more positive thing.  this is something i have some control over, if i just allow myself to feel and express how i feel.  it's been quite an eye-opener. 

best to you with this, julia12.  big hug.

emotional dysregulation, indeed.

having my emotions denied, i ended up not having many.  can't remember being angry at all, no matter what, for most of my teen and adult years.  i was tolerant, patient, and understanding instead.  never got down on myself, nothing neg. about what i did/said, altho i was continually striving to be perfect at everything at all times.  came to believe i was, as a matter of fact.

how dysregulated is that.  last year, i discovered this lack of emotions (can't verbalize, recognize, or understand what i'm feeling) is called alexithymia.   yes, dysregulation comes from chronic abuse, and the brain is wounded in a way that it is not able to regulate emotional responses correctly/normally.  it's not our fault that it's become default.

reading your original post, slim, i, too, see awareness there.  if you're aware of your denial, it's no longer denial, is it.  this stuff works in mysterious ways.    big hug to you.

i've had depression and anxiety since i was a teen.  wasn't diagnosed until in my 40's, when it became overwhelming after 8 yrs. w/ a bad t.  went on meds at that time. had post-partum dep. twice, but was never treated.  moved to mex. in my 50's, was diagnosed bi-polar w/ major depression, lots of meds for that.

being a therapist, i knew a little about depression, some of what may cause it.  in my case, lots of anger and repressed emotions, and i did some therapeutic exercises for myself which eventually enabled me to wean myself off the meds and not feel depressed anymore (i don't suggest anyone do this kind of thing without a professional to help - very intense work).

since then, i haven't been on meds again, but have had bouts of depression which were situational, but i was able to get out from under them, usually therapeutically, without more meds.   the meds did help for awhile, but i also began having bad side effects after a few years. 

it's so different for everyone, but i do believe it's quite common a condition for those of us with c-ptsd.  so many unexpressed emotions that we've bottled up, and our minds get overwhelmed with the enormity of what we've dealt with. 

welcome, ola, so very glad you found us.

happy to hear that you were able to take some time off and are starting your recovery.  looking forward to hearing more from you - when you're ready. 

very sad, indeed, blueberry.

the idea of safe touch not being ok - i've run into it on many occasions, both as a t and as a client.

when i was working with adol. girls, they had an art therapy class with an art teacher and me together.  i introduced shoulder rubs as a way to get them to relax.  some said yes to the idea, but many refused.  they, too, had had abusive backgrounds, and safe, pos. touch was unknown to them.

however, things changed.  those who had been willing encouraged the other girls to try it, telling them it really helped.  soon, they were asking for them every day.  we had to limit this, so we told them that if they finished their weekly project, they could get a little massage when they handed it in.  it was amazing how enthusiastically those projects began being turned in every week.  their behaviors in class improved as well.

i'm very glad for you, blueberry, that you discovered the power of hugs/pos. touch.  it's been proven that hugs induce feel-good endorphins to be released by the brain, which, in turn, helps our entire being feel better.  babies fail to thrive if they're not touched enough, not held.  touch is something intrinsic to our survival.

to have that denied to the point that someone fears it goes against life itself.   sending you a safe hug filled with warmth and comfort.

your offer of another candle moved me to tears, rb.  i can't thank you enough.  that is so sweet and kind.  i will now have 2 candles warming me and helping to lift this shadow that is threatening to engulf me.    back atcha.

i don't want to give up or give in.  when tom petty died, i sent out my own memorial to some friends that included his song 'won't back down'.  it says 'i will stand my ground, and i won't back down.'  truly inspirational to me.  i haven't backed down yet, and i don't intend to.  still, i'm scared of being so overwhelmed with all this med. b.s. that it will crush me against my will.

i'm still standing.  as in the past, the people here are propping me up.  my gratitude is endless.  i don't know where i'd be without you.