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it's good to know we're not alone, we're not making these feelings up, and that there is a reality behind them that we simply hadn't been in touch with before.  thanks for sharing, hope.   big hug to you.

i have no doubt you'll get yourself thru this, sweetie.  you are getting stronger by the minute.  standing right beside you on the porch - there's a soothing breeze, just the right temp, and the ocean's just the way you like it.  relax and just be for a minute.  you'll be ok.

big hug filled with consolation and love.

wowser bowser!!!  i am so jazzed for you, songbird.  congrats and kudos to you.  what a wonderful feeling for you to have.  so glad you got out of that town.  yay!

can't be happier for you.  keep going - you are doing great!   love and a big hug.

dear sceal, i can so relate.

the first couple of years that i was w/ my hub in mex., i was sick and sluggish all the time.  he was great at doing errands, etc., taking me to doc appts., just babying me.  it was wonderful.

one day i realized that i could stay this way forever and he'd never complain, but i also thought that wasn't quite fair to him.  i gave it some thought and it came to me that if i got well, there would be those expectations and such placed on me.  at the time no one asked very much from me cuz i was too sick all the time.

what was wrong with my picture was that i had ICr laying on the expectations that i had to go along with everyone else's expectations for me, and i was terrified of that.  my solution was to get as well as i could so that i could function better, but also know that i could say no to invitations and expectations i wasn't interested in, or that i couldn't 'buckle down' and do because it would be detrimental to my health and well-being.

just my experience, but reading yours rang a bell with me.  one of my mantras has become 'i'll do the best i can when i'm able', and feeling able is entirely personal and subjective.  it's ok that i can't do what i used to do, and i don't have to come up with excuses to please someone else's sense of what i should/shouldn't be able to do.

my t told me that i've learned enough, done enough right now, and it's time to rest.  may i suggest you pick and choose for yourself what exactly you feel like doing, whether it's something, nothing, or somewhere in between.  you've got a lot to deal with already - you don't need more right now.  it's ok.  no shame, no blame.  your body is telling you it needs a break.  it's ok to take one.   sending you a big hug filled with caring and love.

i agree with ah about picking and choosing who you might want to practice being more vulnerable with.  slowly, small steps, with people others than narcs.  take your time - you don't have to jump in all the way, especially at first.  see how it feels, note the experience, a little at a time.  being ourselves is such a relief, but i've discovered the hard way that i can't do that with everyone.

so, do what you can when you're able.  it's your recovery - your own pace is paramount.  wishing you the best with this, goblinchild.  sending a hug filled with care and caution.

i call what my d did to me 'torture'.  it may not have anything to do with what the UN says, but it felt like torture to me, to my mother's heart.  it felt like torture, having her withholding herself from me, giving me the silent treatment for years on end, not allowing me to share in her life, humiliating me in front of her friends and their parents, and lying about me to friends and school officials - starting back in middle school. 

i don't try to compete with anyone else's torture, and certainly don't compare.  my experience was torture to me, that's all i know.  the emotional wounds and scars i will carry to my grave.  i believe that if it was tortuous for you, you can claim it as your own brand of torture.   just my thoughts and opinions.    big hug to you.

those anniversaries are tough, no doubt.  standing with you, el.  maybe, after work, you can retreat to the porch and just be coddled through any signs of an ef.   warm loving thoughts and a big hug for you.

thanks, dee.  that's so cool!

i think you are right, too.

i've learned that narcissists, like any predator, will always go for the young, the weak and the vulnerable.  i can definitely see that in many of my relationships.  staying with the 'herd', as it were, will give you more strength and protection.   well done, sweetie.  that is a major realization for you, and i'm so happy you were able to come to it.

sending you a big hug full of love and awareness.

laughter is the best medicine, isn't it?  when my hub calls, i always am able to laugh with him.  my d and i, also, try to end our conversations with a laugh.  i watch comedies almost exclusively when i watch anything, and make sure that the last thing i'm seeing before i go to bed is some silly sitcom rerun.  keeps my mind more at ease.

very glad for you that you can laugh at work.  it's a very good thing, to my mind.  i had that as well when i was working, and it made a lot of things seem better.  yay for you, sweetie.  sending a hug full of love and laughter.

ditto, el.  it will warm me to think of that candle.  thank you, sweetie.

my body is letting me down now.  the last few days the muscles have been so tight that it hurts to just walk.  my legs haven't bothered me, just my body.  the pain is becoming overwhelming.

this morning i was going to walk - one thing i like to do that brings a sense of normalcy for me, and lets me know i'm doing something good for myself, as opposed to just sitting in this chair all day.  when i got up, a shooting pain went thru the top of my left foot.  it repeated itself several times, sharp enough that i said 'ouch' out loud.

i decided i wanted to ignore it, walk it off, as it were.  as i was stepping down the step at the front door, the pain shot through again.  there's a stairway to the ground level, it's wet in the mornings so i'm extra careful anyway cuz it's also rather steep, and the thought of 20 steps stopped me in my tracks.  i couldn't take the chance. 

back in i went, rather despondent.  my body's letting me down on too many levels, all of them painful.  i'm so tired of this bullpucky.  i don't know what to do anymore.  will this ever be over?  i don't think so.  i truly don't think i will ever be well again.  what a downer.  i can only maintain now, and that bums me out.  i can't see it any other way, and that's never happened before. 

a dark shadow has covered my landscape, and i can only say this here and to my t.  i will not let my d and hub hear this from me.  i will not distress them like that.  they are worried enough about me.  my d's roomie, the little sweetie, took off work for thurs. to make sure she would be able to use his car so she could be with me for the day of surgery.  she's still not fully healed, either, from her own surgery, so she doesn't know how long she'll be able to stay, but she's gonna be there at least for part of my day. 

such kindness from both of them, each in their own way.  i appreciate his offer - i just don't want him to jeopardize his job for me.  hopefully, this won't.  i burst into tears while writing her to thank him for me.  such acts of kindness are still quite foreign to me.  so used to pushing through on my own, 'kindness' is hard for me to take.

a candle burning for me, standing with me on that day, even heartfelt well wishes.  it seems overwhelming.  i love it.

i think your wording sounds just right.  i'd go for it.

so very glad you're able to put your art on your walls.  it feels comforting to think about it.

keep hangin' tough, a.a.  we're hangin' right beside you.  big hug filled with courage and conviction for you.

hey,

i'm suffering from neurological misgivings as well.  restless leg syndrome, for one, is caused by sending faulty messages from the brain to the nerves in the legs.  alexithymia, an inability to recognize or verbalize feelings, is due to faulty wiring in the brain.  from that has come all kinds of physical ailments, including ibs and fibromyalgia.

when i looked up fnd, i discovered that dissociative disorders can come under that broad heading.  i've certainly experienced depersonalization, as well as an inability to move my legs normally when under duress.  a generic  mri showed no abnormalities.

no, you're not the only unicorn in this forest - a national park would be wonderful.    big hug.

hey, micmacin,

just turned 70, still getting triggered as well.  i haven't been working on this as long as you, altho i've been in therapy half my life.  no one ever saw me as traumatized, so it was never a focus.

some days are better than others, same with weeks.  i think it's part of the process - our minds find their own times and pace to be ready to deal with something else, another layer of the onion, as it were.

as far as your question, i know that i've had trigger release with massage, haven't tried it with a chiropractor.  i think that would be a great question to ask him/her.  i'd love to know the answer myself.

i hope you find some relief, and release.  keep taking care of yourself.  best to you with this.   warm and caring hug to you.

plants and worms, such an interesting name.  nature lover, are you?  i am, and i value both plants and worms when i'm gardening.  growing things to nurture our bodies and spirits.  welcome!

sometimes this stuff can get overwhelming, especially when having a lot of realizations in a short time.  it may be that you need to slow down a little.  it sounds like you have a lot going on, what with continuing abuse from your mother even as you're attempting to get out from under it.

i'm sorry for all you've gone thru, sorry for what you still go through.  hopefully, as you continue in recovery, things will ease up for you.  it's good to hear from you - i hope you keep posting.  i've found wonderful support here, no matter what i might be going thru.

keep taking care of you.  warm safe hug if you want it.