Messages

it does take time and support helps for this to feel better.  you took such a huge step and are overwhelmed by the pain right now.  i hope you find some help for this period, this pain you're going thru.  big hug filled with soothing compassion.

i have very little blood-related family with whom i'm in contact, basically just my daughter.  my foc is right here, too.  sisters and brothers of the best kind.

may i say, sceal, that i just really enjoy you. 

sorry you have to face surgery next year.  bummer.  having just had some myself, i know how it feels to play the waiting game, and it sucks.  sending you a hug filled with strength and energy.

i guess i'm a bit more battle-weary of these kinds of communications than some.  i just don't have a lot of tolerance for people who ask my opinion then blow up at me if i don't give them the one they want.  i see that as game-playing.  and, the fact that her reply was something that made you feel small, hope, flies red flags for me.  i guess i just don't like how's she's treating you.

just my opinion, and i totally support you in what you want to do with this relationship.   again, please be careful.  there are already signs that something's not healthy here for you, at least to my mind.  big hug, hope, filled with concern and clarity.

berceuse, to me, your last 2 posts show a lot of progress, like your adult you is coming to the fore and looking at your situation more realistically.  kudos to you, sweetie.  i'm really, really glad for you. 

i really like your idea about starting your day in a grounding way for yourself.  i like having a routine for myself as well.  it feels like it has a stabilizing effect.  and i think this new/different approach to grad schools has a very positive light to it.  it's like you're finding a pace that suits you, one that you can manage, and isn't that what we all need?  something individual, personal, our very own.

sending you a hug filled with love and encouragement.  you'll get to where you want to go, of that i have no doubt.

silver, i can't tell you how glad i am that you made it thru this week intact, both physically and mentally.  my heart and soul, aside from your victorious realizations, the rest of it sounds terribly, terribly stressful.  i can see how you'd be overwhelmed.

are you sure that type of therapy is the way to go?  repeatedly having to flood yourself with remembered trauma sounds dangerous to me.  i surely couldn't do that.  i need to process memories with some time and a break in between.  i hope your t knows what s/he is doing.  i don't mean to sound harsh, just giving you some honest feedback.  if you don't want it, you're absolutely welcome to ignore it.  i'm not the therapist working with you.

i'm very glad your so made it home safely.  that's an awful lot for one week.  i do hope you can rest a bit, take care of yourself, and be caring, as well, for your so.  even that sounds like a lot to me.  it's ok to take this stuff slowly, small steps.  it can be so easily overwhelming.  sending you a hug filled with care and concern.  i'm really glad you're both safe.

better today, the meds kicked in, i'm a little loopy.  thank you all again, and elise, it's never too late in my book.  you were all swell, all with me.  this is the best bunch of people i've never met!!!  love and hugs all around.

you were all wonderful.  he got it in one swell foop.  the needles were horrible, and the pain right now is quite bad.  i've got vicodin but it's not touching it much.  i'll see what happens by tomorrow - it may need to get into my system before it works at full force. 

one fun thing is that i got a bunch of people to autograph my bandaging (i look like the walking wounded from a war).  dang, if i'm gonna have to wear this for 48 hrs., i'm gonna rock it, by gum!!!

thank you one and all.  my head is now cancer-free.  survival of the 70's.  be back soon when the pain subsides.  can't think real well right now.  love you all.

peace of mind is a blessing, and   i hope you can enjoy it while it's with you.  the whole thing sounds nice.  yay for you.  big hug, a.a.

i gotta go with blueberry on this, a bit of confusion as to why she'd want you to read something that she knows you don't believe in.  it sounds like a manipulation of some sort to me.  something to hook you into conversation with her, or to get a relationship started again, albeit in a neg. way.

i'd be wary of this as well, like your friends.  it doesn't sound healthy at all for you.  just my two cents' worth.  i'm concerned for you.

diplomacy is nice, but i have to admit that i'm not always diplomatic when i think people are attempting to coerce me into something i don't want to be a part of.   my hub always told me that 'no' means 'no', and to certain kinds of people any wavering gives them the idea that you're still willing to consider it.  when they think that, they'll keep coming back, hoping to wear you down.

please be careful.  something doesn't ring right to me.  warm, loving hug to you, hope.

sceal, perhaps a shift is coming and your subconscious is getting your consciousness ready for it.  that shame and guilt belong with your abuser - you have nothing to be ashamed or guilty about.  maybe these dreams are healing dreams in the sense that they're going to allow you to move out from under those horrible feelings you've been carrying around.

i'm hoping, for your sake.  dreams can be funny critters.  that wife character could have been representing you.  i don't know, but i've had dreams like that on my way to healing or realizing something i needed to know, where one person actually was meant to be someone else.

warm and loving hug to you, sceal.  you'll get thru this.  in the meantime, you deserve to rest and sleep.  battling this beast is hard work. 

it's 5:30.  we're leaving at 6:45.  i'm calmer today.  i took time this morning to visualize all of you and my hub, the candles, and i could feel you all inside me, with me.  this will turn out all right.  thank you again.  i'll let you know how it went when i'm able.  love you all.

ok, the big day is tomorrow.  physically and emotionally, i feel horrible.  the stress of this has been overwhelming.  too many unknowns, too many emotions around it.  anger, yes, fear, hatred, confusion, sadness, gratitude for all the support both here and in real life - i don't know if there are others, but i wouldn't doubt it.  it took a lot of concentration just to pinpoint those.

my chest is tight, swirling fog inside, but heavy.  very heavy.  i have phone therapy with my t in half an hour.  my face is flushed - i've got stress flu right now.  miserable feeling.  after today i don't know when i'll be back here, but i do know you're all coming with me tomorrow.  my circle of protection. 

it's minute by minute today, and tomorrow i'm at the whim of the doc's process.  slice, scope, determine if there are still cancer cells, and if so, repeat the process.  have no idea how long it will take - i just go sit in the waiting room between determinations.  not even sure if it will all be taken care of tomorrow.  it's a pretty large area now, and still spreading.

grant me the serenity, etc.  breathe, thank you wife2.  tom petty, i won't back down.  dylan, you warm my soul.  and all the rest of you, you're my family, you give me strength to keep going thru all this b.s. that keeps clobbering me in the back of the head when i'm not ready for it.    if it weren't for the hugs, fireworks, love, caring, concern, encouragement and these wonderful candles, there'd be no way i'd have made it this far with my mind intact.  thank you all.  much love.

your time, your pace, your space, your recovery.  when you're ready.  i am always with you in spirit, el.  call on me anytime, i'll be standing next to you, skirts aswirl.   sending you a loving, caring hug full of warmth and compassion.

i missed you last nite,  but  just wanted to echo what's already been said and let you know that you're not alone, we can get thru this dang-blasted pain together.  i know how neverending it seems, how it just won't go away, how it pops up with a new head over and over.    whack-a-mole.  there is something inside us, tho, that continues to reach out.  that's just what you did.

i honor that 'something' inside you.  sending you a hug filled with compassion and care - and hope.