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Thank you, Kizzie. Their response is still emerging.

I am wondering if my feeling of failure might really be about leaving behind a culture that is really bad for me. I hope I can find healthier spaces!

In case you are still here!

The scariest thing in our recovery is sometimes just to tell the truth. Especially to or about people we care about.

I sent an email with feedback to someone I really care about on Friday & it has taken me 48 hours to get through an emotional flashback. They've treated me with a real lack of care & I needed to acknowledge it.

We are allowed the truth of what we experience. There is no shame in that.

Hope you are going well x

Hi there. I'm sorry to read of your distress. Hope there is a small pleasure in your day today.

Are you working with anyone or a group? I can relate to some of the things you are saying.

What helped me at different times were therapy, group coaching and a movement practice (tai chi for me - and dancing in the kitchen).

I'm only just coming to a more stable and gentle sense of self now. I questioned by gender in my childhood a bit, but for me it was really about a general sense of not fitting in and not feeling safe. I'm still an introvert, still queer, but much less distressed about my own peculiar shape

There's always some challenge, but it consumes me much less.

Hope you get some relief

I hope you can give yourself as much soothing as poss. That helpless, hopeless place is a place we share. I think you know it isn't all of you, but a quick reminder here too.

I've just spent a few hours crying and talking to my 7 year old self about how sorry I am that she wasn't cared for and how safe she is now. When she finally relaxed I asked her what she fancied doing, and she said look at trees and daydream. So I did that for a bit.

Sometimes we need to be more than we need to do x

Evening all

Tippy tapping my way out of an emotional flashback on this keyboard!

I'm going through a big life transition. I am having to accept a significant period of failure at work. Consciously, I am trying to process the pain and go through it, but it is really tough.

Part of the failure had been brought about by my trusting the wrong people for too long. Today I sent an email to try to end one professional relationship with more transparency and honesty, and it has triggered a big emotional flashback. My body is in full threat detection mode. I've managed to start the soothing process well and avoid a full panic.

Has anyone else had to make sense of failure? I'm trying not to get into replays of stories about my worth. I'm curious about healthier versions of failure. I can hear one of my parents shame about my being anything other than exceptional. I know what he says it isn't true, but better processes would help!

All thoughts welcome

Thanks, dear humans

Hi all

Long time, no post. Sending love.

I've had a health scare that has re-emphasised a relationship dynamic that I'm struggling to integrate. I'm seeing it reflected in all parts of my life, but I'm currently overwhelmed about how pervasive it is and where I start with healing it better.

The dynamic of my childhood was that I was 'good with her Dad" (him - uBPD). My mum and my brother were more of a codependent unit, and I was always assumed competent and ok. She's quite a vulnerable human. I don't parent her, but being a sledgehammer in how I approach things with her would have no value.

I've recently had quite a serious health scare. I shared it with her and she text a couple of days later (whilst she knew I was managing bleeding & travel for work) to tell me about my brother's mental health. I just gently closed it down.

This is obviously painful. However, I'm looking in the mirror of  my professional relationships in particular, and realising how depleting they are.  I'm an excellent facilitator (🙄) of people, but when I need support to get things off the ground, it's nowhere to be seen. I'm really interested in community building, but that doesn't seem to be the reality of my experience - unless I'm helping others to make it.

I'm also working class, and I feel that compounds the care and attention I don't get in quite a middle class sector.

I don't know how to shift these dynamics so I am in more reciprocal peer relationships at work. I'm playing something out here...

I can see that it sounds ridiculous to think of work when the absence of care was so ingrained early on. The core wound is clearly replicating still, but I don't know how to shift it or stop ending up here.

I have some good close friends & a partner who tries hard. It's at work where my choices are unwittingly causing me harm. Any thoughts?

Thanks so much.

Hi there. Yuck. Sorry to hear of this - I can imagine the feeling of pressure. First soothe that? You are free to choose what is right for you, and can maintain your own safety.

In case it helps, I handled a funeral by going to the service, but not the wake. My Dad (NC) asked me for a hug in front of the whole congregation. I just smiled kindly and patted his arm and walked away. I left after the burial.

Apparently he told lots of people how terribly I treated him.

It wasn't easy, but it felt good to pay my respects and maintain my boundary.

I love this forum.

Thanks, all. I totally agree with all of the above. Sometimes I nearly get convinced (again) that I should try to help or explain myself, but the answer is always the same.

I really do want to be respectful & loving because I really like everyone else, but it might well have to be from more of a distance.

Thanks, everyone. I was wobbling back into some old patterns for a minute there. Will check out the letters too.

I am so tired of being triggered

It's low level, but I am really exhausted with trying to be the bigger person. Sometimes, I feel so angry I just want to let people have it.

My brother in law is coercive. It's my partner's family and they have a culture of not talking about anything. I think my sister in law is really hoodwinked. He really shouted my partner down on her own mother's health. When she tried to walk away he grabbed her by her arms and has reframed it as a hug. No apology - of course.

I don't understand why the rest of the family are continuing to try to make nice with him - apart from well worn codependency. It's totally unacceptable. The downplaying of things makes me feel furious and unsafe. I don't understand why people play this stuff out. It's so clearly abusive in his case.

The more they drop little comments about how 'nice' he is the more worried I am. Why the constant charm offensive?

Any tips? I have gone NC with people in the past when my boundaries have been repeatedly broken, but that doesn't feel like a healthy response here. My body is pretty loud about getting as far away from him as possible.

I need to observe a mourning period before I can address this directly - if that is the right thing to do.

I feel unsure and frustrated! All wisdom welcome, lovely folk.

Hi there

I wonder if you are not putting a lot of pressure on yourself to know all the answers?

What if you went along to the event just to speculate? See if you resonate with anyone? No pressure for a particular outcome.

I've never had a partner who didn't have their own set of personal issues to deal with - I think that's part of being human!

I have also worried about what I 'bring' - I sympathise. However, it's much more nuanced really - it's about what we generate together with others in relationship too.

Thanks everyone. One last update on this thread: TW for domestic violence.

Today I spent an hour in therapy processing watching my mum get strangled. My partner is very low on patience with me atm, which is understandable because I am so hypervigilant.

It means so very much to have this space to post to. I feel a bit less alone

Hello there

I'm pretty new too. Here we are. Seems great.

Totally relate. When i first went to therapy I was totally numb. It took a little while to get a tear out. I am so pleased for your progress.

Also, I'm curious about 'traumas are mild'. I have only just realised (over 10 years of therapy) that telling myself that has been a way of still taking cate of others before myself. I don't know if the scale helps, I guess? I wonder if it just adds to our judgement of ourselves. But whatever, that part of you just needs love & kindness, right? You'll get loads of kindest on here I suspect

Best of luck with your healing

Thanks, Kizzie. I feel so determined to get well. I am also deep in actively working on healing trauma at the moment, so I have zero headspace to deal with unhealthy relationship dynamics. I feel a little uncharitable, but nobody else is going to get better for me. Thanks for the solidarity 

Thanks so much. Your message has really validated how I am feeling. My partner just keeps telling me she isn't anything to worry about. I've explained the hypervigilance repeatedly. She isn't very assertive, so I don't think she will do more. She doesn't agree that the behaviour constitutes stalking.

Sadly, i think i'll have to move out. I'm not able to cope at the moment. I've managed it for a year or so, but it's too much now

TW: abuse & stalking

Ok so.

I have C-PTSD from my first 18 years of life. I have been in therapy for over a decade, but only just realised after a recent episode of blind terror for several weeks. I'm told it is a sign of progress... 😒

My partner's ex is obsessed with her. She messages her after being asked not to, and continues to volunteer with her company. I tried to negotiate my own boundary with her directly last year, but she just kicked off. She was monitoring my social media so I've deleted that.

Now she is doing it much less (but still present). She does it always as just being nice which makes it hard to challenge. My partner ignores her.

The problem is it has been going on for a year, and so now has become a trigger. She reminds me very much of my parents & doesn't seem to understand no. Tonight i had a panic attack after her latest attempt.

My partner is unwilling to do more. I imagine she thinks it would make it worse, but I am so triggered. How the * do i manage this fear? I can't stay with my partner & get away from this woman.

All advice welcome