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I'm so miserable.

I'm struggling so much with normal life.

I recently decided I'd like to go back to being a student, as I'm not coping with work nor am I happy from my job despite having a good salary. The idea of studying what I love again, doing a degree, would give me some purpose and joy in life again (I think). When things were really bad I was studying what I loved. Despite what I was going through there was something great about doing that course.

The issue is I have such low self-esteem recently and my social anxiety has reached terrible levels.

I'm struggling to even ask someone for a reference, which I need for my application.

I've lost so much confidence in anything I say. Whatever I write I think it's wrong, or it might be, I'm not sure. I don't trust my own judgement to socialise properly and be polite or not weird.

I'm also aware people might judge me for leaving a career field with great opportunities to pursue something artsy which is very difficult to break into and succeed in as an industry. It's a silly worry I guess, because who cares? It's my life and I know what makes me happy and I know I could survive financially. But even silly worries are boxing me in to being silent.

My brain just isn't being my friend and I don't know what to do.

It's getting bad. I'm scared to talk to therapists about arranging counselling. I'm scared to resign my job. I'm terrified of going back to work. So, so scared and ashamed constantly. I've lost all my confidence and self-esteem and don't know what to do, or how to believe I'm okay again.

I have these very rare experiences where I feel "real again." It's hard to describe in logical terms.
It's like most of the time I feel disconnected from myself and from experiencing my life inside of me. It's almost like I'm outside of myself, but that doesn't make logical sense and obviously I'm physically not.
A rare occasion of feeling like "me" again was a time I got really upset about things that happened in the past but sort of acknowledged them instead of being disconnected and away from it all. Then I felt like "I" was back. I felt connected to who I was in the past. I felt like the same person that lived my past memories, like those were my memories and experiences.
Usually I rationally know that but I don't really feel it or something I guess?
It made me realise what I enjoy and what I want to do a bit more as I felt that. Like that I was a sporty person. I loved sports when I was a lot younger, really did, but haven't done or enjoyed them in many, many years.
I'm realising and becoming aware again recently that I'm not in this state of being "me." It feels like I'm wasting my life if I'm not really living it but always kind of gone from myself?
I want to get back from that. But at the same time I don't know how to just deal with all my really tough emotions about all the things that happened, by myself. I'm looking into therapy but it's hard to find complex PTSD treatment, struggling to find a therapist for that in this country and I want an actual CPTSD one so I'm being guided more instead of making my own treatment plan (cause I'm not a professional and all that).
Bit of a ramble here. I just really want to come back to myself. Even right now I just feel so numb, so so numb.
It's so hard to describe but what I want is that feeling I remember:
Being involved in my life. Experiencing emotions. Feeling like myself. Feeling like all the one person with a full set of memories that connect to me. Having my own inner voice and some sort of good / neutral relationship with myself.

It sounds so basic - and it is! It's normal, right? But not for me right now.

Not to be self-pitying, just realising some things - which is good. It all motivates me to get better.

TW: suicidal feelings, panic, shame

I had a nervous breakdown at work. It was quite public in that I locked myself in the toilet for over an hour and I came out with red eyes, interrupted someone to ask for a first aider when still panicking, and had to tell two people including my boss about the panic attack situation. I've then been off work for about 2 days and counting.

I don't know whether to go back or just quit. It's highly embarrassing and I feel like my self esteem has just been shot to bits at work. My panic was triggered by a bunch of negative feedback I got and the fact some of it was telling me how to socialise essentially - I found that quite personal and insulting. Also, was told to announce to the room when I was taking a break - something that gave me immense anxiety and triggered my panic.

My toxic shame, etc keeps getting triggered at work. It's nobodys fault but it just constantly happens, because of my lovely brain

My main goal right now is to get better and recover from my mental illness. I want to get to a functional level so I can feel less horribly ashamed of myself and get by at work without too much of a fuss. Nothing specular, just be basically functional - because I'm not managing so great right now - always late, many sick days, barely talking, occasional panic attacks, etc.
I have felt like I can't go back to work - partly because I'm petrified, partly this severe shame. Everyone says just forget about it and don't care what they think of you but I just can't let go of it.
I'm not really meeting the bar of how I am expected to be. And I'm not sure I can right now.
I feel like I've destroyed my reputation and I just want to quit this job, focus on recovery then start somewhere afresh and hopefully be more functional.

I don't have the most ideal safety nets but I won't be left to die and I have enough money to maintain for a month or two unemployed reasonably well.

I've been getting the urge to literally run away, crazy things, and been dealing with very strong suicidal feelings / thoughts. Since the panic attack my social anxiety has also massively increased back to old levels - scared to go into the shop, talk on the phone - I was recovered from this!!

I don't know whether to just push myself to go in and try and say f- it to what anyone else thinks - I'm doing my best. Or to stop bloody pushing myself because it's all gone a bit too far now and I feel very vulnerable and quite weak mentally / emotionally.

On top of this if I do keep my job I'll probably be signed off on sick leave for a bit with mental illness, and I feel very guilty to get paid to do no work by a smaller company. Especially when I have low intent of returning.

Any advice is much appreciated.

I've been really struggling with work (in a new job), especially the past week or two.
I ended up crying a lot in the toilet yesterday and not being able to stop for close to an hour. This ended with me finally being able to leave composed enough to say I'd taken unwell and had to go home.
I've took today off and I'm considering taking the next day off too as it's the last day before the weekend so might as well make it a full break until Monday maybe? But I'm not sure. I feel like I should be trying my best. Minimising the harm of my absence to the company (especially as small company), but I need to get better too.

My stress just got way too much.
I've started to feel like maybe I should just give up on this job. But there's benefits too - having money, not having gaps in employment. Idk. But how worth it is that if my mental health is reaching danger level and I'm pushing myself to breaking point? Not sure that it's very worth it at all.

I can identify clear causes of the stress. It's the feeling that I'm not producing work "fast enough." This is exhaserbated by my lack of communication on this. I act like I'm doing fine when really I'm rushing things, maybe falling behind, maybe even avoiding asking for help sometimes which impacts too. Like I'm not doing fine. But I feel like admitting to what feels like failure isn't an option so I almost push it aside. No, I must just get this done. No other choice.
It's also made worse by the fact I am asked to give estimates on my time and I usually say "yes I'm sure that will be done." The issue is I'm new to this level of working - it's new for me to be giving time estimates and things. It's new for me to be working so independently as I am as well.
I realise that with estimating time I want to say yes, I doubt myself when I realise something will take longer - think it's my weakness and not just the nature of the task (I really do think I'm incorrect in thinking this but I keep doing it anyway). I'm also way too optimistic. I've been estimating on the basis of everything going smoothly and total utilisation - also, there are things I don't consider as potential issues due to my lack of experience with this technology. Then those things trip me up and I'm like ah, time to panic (: (: 
I know that it's probably smart to raise this - say to my boss - hey I've been struggling with estimating my time on tasks because of x,y,z. And maybe have a discussion out of it. Cause I'm worried and I know they rely on my estimations for tasks being complete to understand where they're at, where the projects at. It matters I'm sure, or why would they ask? And it's causing me a lot of stress to feel like I'm screwing this up time and time again. Ugh

I just struggle with talking about anything when I don't h a v e to. And I feel like obviously it's not what my boss wants to hear. But maybe they'd rather I was more open and transparent. Instead of them seeing the dips in my productivity but not having clear communication from me to know what the issue is and what it is that needs to be worked on or worked around with me.

I feel like giving up right now might be a form of social avoidance and I don't wanna do that right now. It's just a step back.

Taking the day off and sleeping in a bit (I was overtired) and just not being directly faced with stress has helped a bit I think. Things really aren't great but the absolute terror and darkness has faded.

Either way, this is a wake-up call.
I've purchased therapy even though it's bloody expensive and I'm currently living in my overdraft with uncertain job security (:
I keep making excuses to do with money about therapy but I find a way to still buy other things I don't need that don't really help me so much.
Whatever. I'm done not making my mental health a priority because it is screwing with everything!! This hasn't been a week or a month or a year,  it's been the majority of my life I've been suffering and suffering badly. It's causing clear problems in my life and I can't be bothered with that anymore!
I need to throw everything I can at it and getting better from this, because otherwise its stealing years of my life and taking everything down with it (at least it feels that way). I'm bloody sick of that.
I'm not so in denial about it anymore.
I came here looking for advice but it's really just a rant lol.
My main issue is I'm scared I'll go back to work and not change anything and just end up in the same situation again potentially leading to being let go. Idk. Will see how it goes. I'm terrified to go back and so uncomfortable after locking myself in the (only female) toilet for like an hour crying. That was deeply unpleasant and I never wanna deal with that again.
Ugh.

These aren't my only worries. My IC has been big recently and I never really noticed cause I believe in the things being "said." I'm too quiet etc. It's "bad." I should be friendly and likeable and amazing and efficient and a great communicator, smart, etc etc etc.
I've been piling pressure on myself to be this ultra amazing person and idk how to stop.

(: (: (:

I'm not really looking for a solution to this or anything, just want to write my thoughts out somewhere safe cause I feel really alone right now. My IC doesn't like when I talk about being sad, cause it says you're just like [insert narcissistic type peoples names], you're attention seeking, etc. But that's just how I feel just now, and it helps to let it out.

It started on Wednesday I think, most of my friend group were invited to a party and I wasn't. It felt sad to be left out. I mean logically, I wasn't close to the host so it made sense that I wouldn't be invited unless to include me or if there was room for plenty of guests. So logically, I can see that. But it still kinda hurt, and makes you examine yourself. I know I am very anti social a lot of the time. I live my life pretty closed in, barely speaking unless spoken to. It's not a great way to make or maintain friendships lol, but speaking up triggers my inner critic and social anxiety big time, so it's just so unpleasant and uncomfortable it makes sense to avoid instead. I did find it weird that my partner wasn't invited either, he was much closer friends with the host and a clear part of that whole friend group. It was weird to me that he / we were left out. And it makes me wonder why. Why were we not liked enough or chosen? It feels like a rejection.

I know I probably overreact to this stuff a bit, though. I've had parties where I've not invited people I genuinely really like - due to numbers or feeling like I don't talk to them enough so it'd be weird for me to invite them (hello, my old friend paranoia).

My relationship has been struggling a bit recently too. I don't feel very liked / desired in it recently. I feel like I make almost all advances for physical affection, etc. I'm the one who usually wants to spend time together. He's not as interested, or tired of me. He might just be tired and stressed or something, but I don't know. You can tell when someone is really into you then that fades out. It's different between us now. Maybe that's just the "honeymoon period" being over. It just seems like I used to be a joy to him, someone he was happy and excited to spend time with now and now I'm an obligation that doesn't go away.
He's not cruel or anything. I'm not saying that he's doing anything wrong. I just feel not really appreciated or wanted. He's often irritated with me now or lost interest. And that's not very fun. Just makes you feel hurt and more alone. It's not nice to feel like such an annoyance. Especially in your relationship. This isn't all the time and he's not like abusive or anything, I can just feel that something has changed. 

As for work and home - both are new places, new flatmates and new colleagues. I'm so quiet and socially avoidant. I can feel myself crawling back into my shell. I finally came out of it a bit and had friends at my old work, and I thought I was getting a lot better. But really it was more like my life had changed than I had changed as such. I changed a bit, for sure, there really are improvements. But all this new environments and unknown people that I'm not already friends with is a trigger. It's put me back a lot in terms of my social anxiety recovery I think. I'm way more closed in again. Way more feeling alone. More avoidant too.

I went to the pub tonight and it was nice to have a genuine conversation with someone, light hearted and that, makes you feel like a human again for a split second, like someone who people might like, who matters? But still I couldn't shake the depression I've been feeling, the loneliness. I just feel like an outsider recently, like I'm watching the groups of people I'm with, not really one of them. Just letting the conversation go on by.

I'm feeling disconnected. And I'm feeling stressed about being lonely.

But also terrified of doing anything about that loneliness. Because there's still that fear inside of me of the shame and inner criticism that socialising brings.

I'm not sure how to even be really, in social situations. I guess you just shouldn't overthink it.

I want to make friends but it's hard.

The way the world is feels like a road block too. When you're depressed or whatever it's like you can't really be genuine to re-find that connection (or not with most people). "How are you?" "Yeah, good!" Whereas inside you've already contemplated death 5 times and it's only 10am, or something. It's hard to talk intuitively in a conversation when all you can think about is the sadness you're experiencing and all that comes with that. Because you're not excited about normal things or whatever. You're just like "I hate my life, I feel so alone, everything is poop, I wanna die." That's not really normal or group conversation.

I obviously have things to work on.
And I should probably address my relationship issues soon. Because being in a relationship where you feel increasingly alone and not very liked, is probably more loneliness inducing than not being in one at all (given you don't dwell on your single life as a reason to feel lonely, double edged sword really, but yeah).
I've also clearly got depression and anxiety issues that are still affecting my life massively.
I need to get over the hump.
It's not helpful to me to feel unable to share myself with others. There's so much loneliness and hurt in living like that, cornered in by shame.

I'm quite sick of it.

Just rambling here to get it out tbh. A part of me wants to say sorry for this but I know that's just another symptom, always apologising for myself. Ugh. 

So I totally screwed up an interview today because the pressure of being left alone to do a test literally made me cry. I tried to hide it when the interviewer came back in and think I managed, but I ended up making excuses and leaving early because I just wanted out pretty much.
It's not a big deal, I was doing it as a practice interview / back up largely, but the experience wasn't fun.

I went into bad depression mode quickly, of course. Losing appetite, physically exhausted beyond belief and just the feeling of horror filled death screaming in all of my cells (idk how else to describe it with words? Lol. Srsly though).

So after many hours I was doing a bit of soul searching cause I didn't really understand why I got so severely triggered.

It's funny as well cause I was probably capable of doing the test, I done most of it before deciding to escape. It was my mental illness being triggered that seemed to screw things up so majorly.

Cause it was initially triggered by an issue that I found the solution to, that's a running theme in my work life: If I can't do something instantly, BOOM triggered... Oop I done it guess I'm not 100% crap after all better rein in the spiralling despair, I'm actually doing alright here. Yey!
And the cycle endlessly continues.

So I realised what it is. It's the terrifying fear of being caught out as not good enough, the crap person, the lowest of the low.

I was bullied in school, suffice it to say, but I was quiet and fearful long before that. I guess the feeling of not being good enough runs deep.

So that's my fear. I'll need to work around that.

My social anxiety is worse than I thought I guess, cause it was getting better - so much better.

But it keeps coming out as this performance anxiety which is just so unbearable. Because I'm thinking what if I cant do it? What if I cant even finish my attempt? And it feels like it will be so humiliating or it'll be confirmed that I'm the stupid one or whatever.

Idk.

I wanted to write this out cause it felt good to at least get to the root of the triggering and the depression: Fear of not being good enough. Or rather fear of being discovered to be / discovering I am crap. Being scorned and judged. Being seen as the lowest of the low.

(can guess what family figure that might be coming from )

It's a perfectionistic fear as well. I don't want to be not the worst but not the best. I want to be pretty damn perfect in these things, other results are terrifying.

Something to work on and look at for sure.

Trigger Warning!!

- current and past abuse in different forms, gaslighting, control, family issues, emotional abuse, resulting CPTSD



I'm in a bit of a pickle where I have witnessed verbal and emotional abuse of my young sibling. He is a constant scapegoat of both parents, treated like he is just bad, rather than his behaviour. I believe my father is narcissistic, completely lacks empathy or the ability to be wrong about anything (constant, angry deflection and defence), among other traits like being a bully, fits of rage, severe ego issues, etc.

My mother is an enabler, just as she was with me, employing gaslighting and shaming to silence, as well as the implication that the child is bad or just as bad for reacting to or "provoking" abuse.

My sibling has also said he is scared of being hit and has been hit before, something I know to be true. However, it is likely this is being hit without a lasting mark being left, which is not yet illegal here.

He also apologises frequently and says it's because he is given into trouble for basically everything.

I recognise gaslighting being attempted in my direction, suggesting my little brother is lying - but it's terribly inefficient because I know that he was hit in the past and I was too, so it's ridiculous if they expect me to believe he's lying or being dramatic.

I was severely psychologically damaged by my child abuse to the point of severe depression, social anxiety and suicidal feelings for at least 5 years.
Understandably, I am very worried and concerned about my brother. But I feel lost at how to navigate trying to fix this or help as much as possible, because of the complex web surrounding child abuse, e.g. I was treated as crazy or irrational and my brother is treated as too sensitive or bad, and this view is promoted outside of the family too (at least it was for me, increasing the amount of enablers and gaslighters). I am also still very much terrified and my father triggers my PTSD if he shows even a hint of how he would get when he was abusive to me when I was trapped. So there's a physical terror of standing up to him or criticising. I'm not sure how far he would go either, I've saw him attack another woman via Facebook, sending long messages full of hate, so when he feels crossed he does not let it go and obsesses over it tbh, expressing his hatred of the other person often and overstepping lines in a major way.

Ideally, I would like professional advise on my options, but I know that many in the field are inexperienced and don't properly understand narcissistic abuse. It would be good to find someone truly educated and understanding on this kind of thing, as the ignorance around this type of abuse is so prominent and damaging, in my experience. I've dealt with professionals who viewed my father as someone "normal" who was just under stress / making mistakes / unaware of the hurt he caused so I need to just tell the truth / confront (dangerous / damaging idea).

I guess I'm looking for advise and would appreciate hearing from anyone who has dealt with similar.

It's a sensitive situation, if I speak up / out it would crumble certain pretences and it would likely mean severe emotional damage for me (as they would attack / shame / upset me). It could also mean causing lifelong difficulty or abuse around trying to maintain contact with my dependent siblings (one is disabled so will likely always be dependent). I feel like me visiting them frequently or being in their life allows me to be a non abusive adult in their life and provide some happiness / care / love. I'm afraid to damage that opportunity.

I'm also aware that abuse / control could worsen in this situation, due to deflection / rage / insecurity leading to more severe attempts to silence and control.

There's also the issue that my brother is quite young so easily influenced and very dependent on my parents and attached to M, so not sure if risking breaking him away from the family would be a great option. I highly doubt M would leave F, so it'd be both or none I believe.

Idk. Idk how this works.

I'm just unsure my best option here. I want to protect my brother as much as I can, from severe emotional damage. Not sure if my best bet is to allow him to come stay every week or two for a break / normalcy, be supportive and believing of him, etc, then when he's an adult help him easily move out and maybe recover a bit, etc. I should be financially able to provide support in this manner, if it came to it so he's not trapped there or homeless from leaving.

But I do obviously wonder if that will ever be enough or if there is a better option.

All of this is very heavy on my conscience, even if I'm not the abuser myself. I am heavy with the idea that I could be enabling or ignoring this just like many done when it was me. And I am terrified incase he becomes severely depressed / self harming / suicidal like I did from it. I already feel he is experiencing emotional damage and abuse.

I know this is really long but it's important to me. Grateful for any input, thanks.

I am wondering if anyone is receiving help on the NHS for complex PTSD and would be able to help me understand something.

I was mistakenly referred to a domestic violence group for counsellings by the NHS a while back and it turned out they couldn't help me. I shared that I related to the diagnosis of Complex PTSD and the woman told me that I wouldn't have that, that the people diagnosed with that were the women who turned up to A&E after being severely physically assaulted by their husbands. She said sometimes people will look for places to fit on the Internet, implying this was what I had done.

TW

Thing is, the NHS website states that Complex PTSD can be caused by prolonged periods of abuse, neglect or violence. So that says to me that even neglect alone can be a cause so she was wrong to dismiss me like that. I was physically abused as a child repeatedly, but never bruised as far as I can remember. I did genuinely fear for my life at least one however, was chased upstairs and had my door battered down so it came off the hinges one time when I locked myself in my room out of fear. I also have a memory which involves a large shelving unit being thrown down as my dad trashed my room. There's a memory of me having a very small cut on my foot from this. My memories are hard to put together though so I'm not 100% sure, but I think that the cut happened. I'm just confused as to why I didn't show my mum if that happened, because my other memories involve me not telling anyone because of no physical evidence. My memories are really hard to piece together and put in a time line. I was pretty young and I'm now 21. They were always hard to relay though, I think I dissociated a bit during some of them.
I was also neglected, sometimes not eating breakfast or lunch and having to walk to the supermarket to feed myself because there was no food in the house, etc. My asking for food to be bought in was seen as me moaning and complaining, a bother. I was verbally and emotionally abused, called thick (meaning stupid) a lot in rages, told off for pretending to be a nice girl at school after parents evening, it was implied I was crazy and I was laughed at / scorned for taking a panic attack over being terrified of my dad, I was sneered at for my social anxiety, I was told I couldn't trust my own memory, I was threatened with being strangled and things, threatened with homelessness, etc, etc, etc.

I feel I am traumatized. I have a lot of the signs and symptoms. I have never felt more understood than when I read Pete Walkers book , From Surviving to Thriving.

I brought up this dismissal to a psychology worker in the NHS afterwards, anyway, and she agreed with the woman who dismissed me. I felt this was wrong because she hadn't even asked much about my life experience or my symptoms, she had only just met me that hour. I think she just automatically agreed the professional woman was probably right because you'd think she'd know better. Idk.

Anyway, I feel I am traumatized and I want the relevant treatment.

I am wondering if my abusive experience is bad enough to be considered a cause for C-PTSD on the NHS? Or is it not?

I haven't even shared everything that happened. There was also threats of abandonment, control that tried to stop my friendship with my best friend (lying I wasn't home when she phoned, not allowing me to stay at hers because "her parents are alcoholics", etc.), my dad also once smashed this friends laptop into pieces in front of us when we were 13, because he was angry and thought it was my laptop. Fun times. Probably loads more too.

When I've done tests online I score for PTSD. I don't get visual flashbacks but I do regularly experience the symptoms of emotional flashbacks. Also hear "get off of me" sometimes in my head, but I am wary I may have created that more recently. It's not so intrusive, just a thought that sometimes accompanies all the other things when triggered.

I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced help with the NHS for trauma based on this level of abuse, or if I need to have been physically abused more to qualify? Also, do I need to have visual flashbacks? I'm worried of asking for help and being dismissed in a similar way again, because it really did feel horrible and I don't want to feel that again.

One of the scariest symtoms of my mental illness recently has been feeling detached from the world around me, just from life really. I don't even entirely know how to describe it, I just feel a bit outside of it.
Like, I know I can feel different from this and involved in life - thinking about my current life, friends, goals - just feeling involved. But a lot of the time, especially recently, I just don't feel connected.
I want to feel connected again. I'm not sure how to fix this. I probably just really need therapy. I'm planning to get it at some point.
I think this is maybe like dissociation. I am feeling very anxious and on edge recently - my sleep has been disrupted a lot and I'm jumpy over little things - like recently a tap dripping and also having intense panic over lights flickering. So I can see that maybe with all my stress / anxiety recently it might make sense for me to dissociate.
It's just quite intense, not really feeling like me - like I do things but I almost feel like I'm watching myself / outside of myself a little bit. Being around other people mostly works as a distraction but it doesn't necessarily connect me again.
Is this a thing people experience? It's really scary tbh. Any way to deal with it, or do I just need to properly start healing from trauma altogether to fix these things?
It feels like life isn't real to me sometimes and that's scary because that feels like losing control to me - like my perception of reality is obviously falling apart a little bit. It's like there's a part of me that's doubting the reality of life or something. It's scaring me and I'm aware that it's a shame to ruin my life like this, in a sense. I want to be more present and feel things and feel like an active participant in my life. Cause I think I've been like this for quite a while, I don't want to feel like I'm not really living much of my life - cause my consciousness isn't so present in it.
I do remember it stopping when I started anti depressants a while back, but I'm quite uncomfortable with medication personally :/ idk. Not sure what to do.
Something I'm trying to fix myself but not really sure how to.
Should really get proper psychiatric help if I can :/!!
Mindfulness / Bhuddist teachings helped for a bit recently, really helped!, but the other day I just got back like this again, and I don't really know how to fix it :/

Totally just rambling here.

I'm wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience to what I have.
Last night I had a sleep terror for the second time (an autonomic nervous system reaction from extreme terror. Affected person sits upright, eyes open, screaming but still unconscious).
The first time I attributed it to circumstance - overworked, stressed, terrible sleeping pattern and loud music woke me up startling me.
But it happened again and this time all my boyfriend did was move in bed and maybe nudge me or something by accident. I was screaming again but this time I associated him with being what I was afraid of when I became consious and it genuinelly took over an hour before I could sit next to him again.
He was really amazingly kind and spoke to me all night to try and reassure me, but for about 3 hours straight I felt pretty terrified (of him). I felt dissociative at times and like I didn't truly recognise him or remember clearly who he was / our past. I had this feeling like he was going to shapeshift into something awful or he was an imposter.
I'm not sure if this is a flashback or not. It might just have been pure terror.
Reading up on sleep terrors I get the impression that people generally go back to sleep, so me being absolutely terrified of my boyfriend for hours after seems abnormal.
I'd to tell him to stop talking sometimes and not make eye contact with me and things when he was trying to calm me down for like 3 hours. It was pure terror. I've never felt so out of control before.
I'm now terrified of sleeping incase I feel that terror again. This means I'm at work today on 2 hours sleep (as is my ridiculously kind to me boyfriend).
I was also scared of leaving my room until it became daylight, despite being very thirsty.
I watched a horror show before bed so maybe part of it, but it didn't seem so scary to me and I've saw it before.
I'll be seeing a doctor next week, just thought I'd post here too.

TW: reflecting on childhood abuse


I started a good things journal again last night which is helping me by giving myself positive reinforcement when I do something good. This could be putting on a washing or doing some studying, positively talking to myself or asserting my needs to another.
I think this has helped me already as I am being more proactive in doing things, knowing the good feeling of being able to write it down at the end of the day.
I don't know that I received much positive reinforcement as a child and I think that may be why I struggle so much with seemingly simple tasks.
I recieved a lot of negative enforcement - for example if I didn't tidy my room after being asked I might be physically, verbally and emotionally abused.
The reason I think there was a deficit of positive reinforcement is I was criticised even for doing good things and my positive traits were completely slaughtered at times.
For example, I got called thick a lot even though I was really quite an intelligent child. I also remember being wary of parents night, knowing I would get a good report and this could trigger abuse, and having this confirmed when my dad erupted later that night and told me off essentially for pretending to be a nice, good, quiet girl at school when I'm a total brat at home / inside. He made out like I was hiding my true self from them. Something said in anger, but inexcusable.
I also did not have much support over doing homework or being on time for anything, so I was never led into these skills of taking care of myself, at least not in a positive way.
I was late to school virtually every day for years as my dad would drive me. There was a lot of neglect around those things, so I can see that not only was I not positively regarded for achieving things, but I was actively brought up to be a dysfunctional member of society.
Unsurprisingly, these patterns continued. I struggle with time keeping and organising myself a great deal.
But the positive reinforcement is helping and it seems to be quieting my inner critic - because I know I am doing my best, and I am achieving things no matter how small. My pride is going up.
I imagine some kind of positive reinforcement is important in childhood, so I see why this is helping. It's a shame that it took me so long to get it, but here I am. Better late than never...

Just thought I'd put it out there that I find ASMR videos really helpful for calming down and relaxing fully. There's some specifically made for people with PTSD too. I find them helpful when my anxiety is at an ultra-high or I'm having trouble getting to sleep.
The video's seem really weird at first - someone whispering into a camera or whatever (it's about making noises that give you tingles in your head, which works for some - myself included - but they're also generally comforting, attention-focusing and soothing) but yeah, they do really work for me and lots of other people.
Thought it was worth a shout out anyone else have experiences with this?

May be triggering, ironically.
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I'm sick of seeing or hearing people mock the idea of being triggered or trigger warnings.
I'm sick of people who think steps to make media more helpful or inclusive is ridiculous.
I'm sick of people who laugh at the idea of safe spaces or trigger warnings, or worse get angry about it, when they have no idea what it feels like to live with an incurable, agonizing mental illness.

I wish I could put my opinion out there on Facebook but I'm too scared. I used to be brave with my opinions, but one time about 2 years ago someone from my work argued with me on an opinion status, and they were totally ridiculous and didn't make sense. but it was so horrible for me I haven't posted one opinionated thing since thanks *.
I wish I could speak up when someone makes a "lol, triggered" joke in my vicinity and it makes me want to cry because I feel an emotional reaction which confirms everything they are mocking, that I am an oversensitive, pathetic person for being triggered. Not only that but being triggered in some sense by their "lol, triggered" joke. It makes you feel like an absolute joke, the punch line that so many people are laughing at, for being mentally traumatized and that kind of makes you not want to exist anymore. At least in my experience.
I just feel so horrible about the world. People are cruel and ignorant and it's horrible.
It does trigger me when people are horrible and nasty about anything that betters vulnerable peoples lives, whether that's to combat racism, or make lives easier for the disabled or whatever else. And I hate to say that because that makes me the punch line again. Triggered by a triggered joke, or a political thing that I don't like (but how could I not despair? I feel things so deeply. I hate to see victims of ignorant *. It brings back feelings from when I was a victim too). I am exactly the type of girl they are joking of when they say those things only PTSD is real and incurable and I don't want to be like this so it's like please * stop. (It's just that all the bad things in the world make me think that the world is a bad, cruel place like my mind makes me believe. It makes me not trust people. It triggers me, lol, triggered. How * hilarious.)
It just makes me feel so horribly isolated and misunderstood. It makes me feel like I am all the bad things that are implied by "lol, triggered". And it sucks. And I'm finding it really hard not to despair with the world today.

I've had a job for over a year now, but my mental health has made it a real struggle. I was appearing to get better but I don't think I was really, inside, and it's all coming crashing down again, with me taking sick days and being unable to do things (like ask for help / talk to people / go to a meeting). It's becoming pretty visible now, is what I'm saying, although it might not be clear why I'm behaving like this to other people.
I'm finally seriously considering asking for adjustments to be made for my social anxiety, because it is pretty intense and it's really affecting my ability to be good at my job right now. Like today I couldn't bring myself to highlight I had no tasks, which is pretty bad because I should be making good use of my time and actually working, then I couldn't attend a meeting because I went into sheer panic and actually ended up locked in the toilet for about an hour (fun times) and going home sick about 3 hours early.
I feel if I asked for two things it would really help me go from totally incapable to maintaining functionality. These would be the option to opt out of meetings when I feel unable to handle it (because that's twice recently that meetings have triggered me really badly, and it's had a pretty major effect tbh), and to be managed a bit differently (with someone making sure I always have tasks and if I don't then that this is okay).
I think these are quite reasonable adjustments but I do feel uncomfortable to ask for extra help.
i also feel uncomfortable because I was basically told off for the way my anxiety and lack of confidence was making me act last pay review. It resulted in me being put on the lowest mark and receiving significantly less pay than my same level colleagues. Not for my productivity or my work quality, mind, for the "perception" of me. For my lack of confidence and communication skills. I can understand the latter being an issue it just felt unfair when I'd already told my manager I had anxiety and I literally couldn't help it.
For this reason I feel pressurized to be confident above all else, which makes me angry and also puts a lot of pressure on me. It's like telling someone with a broken leg they need to walk more if they want equality and respect. KInda sucks. I understand how it affects things but I feel they are asking the impossible of me. It's cost my mental health so much, because this pressure made me do things I wasn't ready for which triggered all sorts of bad things. Like I forced myself to do a presentation and involve myself more with others after receiving this review, but that quick change meant I became unable to eat most of the time due to nausea from anxiety and I became really underweight and depressed. It's harder to do my therapy when I'm depressed and I stopped doing it regularly. I'm not saying the depression is fully to blame but I think it's part of it.
I feel I should maybe say something to my work about this but I don't know if I'm really entitled to. It just made me feel like it wasn't okay for me to not be okay like this. If they'd offered me help or spoke to me about it outside of a salary-affecting review I would be grateful for the support. But it wasn't done like that, it was done as part of a critical process that docked my money. It wasn't done to help, it was done to critique. I just feel like it put me in a really bad place where I compromised my mental health to try and appear more mentally stable (or confident), and I shouldn't have had to do that, I don't think. Not when I'd already said I have anxiety, so it obviously wasn't a choice. People treat you like all this crap is a choice.

This has been a total ramble I'm just trying to get my feelings out I guess.

My other concern is I still feel ashamed to talk about this stuff. It's especially hard because my workplace is about 90% men. Women are generally way more open about these things, and way easier to talk to about emotional or mental health stuff. I feel scared and embarrassed. I want to appear cooler and calmer than someone who has to ask to be managed differently on projects because she can't bring herself to speak. And I don't know who to talk to. If I go to HR it could take a week or so for them to get back to me, but if I talk to my manager I feel uncomfortable, embarrassed and more open to being judged. I think it's harder, especially, because it's someone I am more familiar with. Like telling a stranger through HR (who should be more equipped to deal with these things) sounds much less intimidating.

I've been tempted to just give in and quit because the stress I am experiencing over work is literally ruining my life. But that would mean debt and unemployment. But I just don't know if it's worth it anymore, and I feel vulnerable to being fired anyway - as I am becoming much less valuable to them as my mental health is deteriorating.

I also don't believe I have a proper diagnosis (as much as my doctors will prescribe medication and I have been put into the mental health system before, there's never been a "congratulations, we have identified you have social anxiety disorder!" kind of thing). I feel this could be a problem, idk. Should probably find out. Would be nice to have the back up of a proper diagnosis.

Oh well. Ramble over for now 

I am being icky but I just wanted to say I am so grateful for the support I have recieved here, so many times.
People here understand. It is so nice and therapeutic to be validated and have the rational counsel of others.
This is a place filled with love and warmth and I'm grateful tonight.
I had a really bad flashback or two the past few days and I'm feeling good and healthier again, and I just feel really filled with gratitude for this group :-)
I'm glad you're all alive and I find you to be beautiful people in your honesty, integrity, kindness and strength. Keep shining 

Trigger warning!!

A few days ago I accidentally raised my hand to my brother when he was deliberately bothering me, not getting out of my space and actually deliberately farted on me. I done it to get him off me, a spur of the moment reaction. I apologised afterwards and was not happy with myself at all. I told him I don't believe it's okay to ever hit anyone smaller than you. I honestly wouldn't have done it if I had a second to think, it was a knee jerk reaction because he was violating my space and actually farting on me. I would not deliberately harm anyone. I recognise I shouldn't have reacted this way.
My dad, who physically, verbally and emotionally abused me, has not been abusive towards me for a while. I'm talking over a year of no abuse. He has never apologised but I slowly began to forgive him slightly. I think I was living in a state of denial.
Following this thing with my brother he called me a hypocrite. I assume this refers to me saying him hitting my brothers, which he does deliberately, is wrong, and how he done it to me too.
This triggered * out of me. I was so upset thinking I am as bad as him.
He also said things were getting bad in here again, like before. I assume this refers to when he was abusing me or maybe when I ran away and made myself homeless. See my parents treat the abuse and my sometimes standing up for myself as an argument. My mum always tries to show me how it's my fault. She done it tonight: I spoke of the time he smashed my friends laptop into pieces when I was 12 and she said but you just wouldn't be quiet, you always had something to say. She must remember me arguing back with him on something. Apparently that warrants that kind of violent destruction of expensive property, that fear and intimidation. When I pointed this out she said she knows it's still wrong, yet she always has something to say to minimise it, always.

I'm cutting my family out but I don't know if I'm wrong to. I'm so alone. I don't know if I can handle the loneliness. My social anxiety has such an impact on my life and I don't have any friends that I feel I can just drop in on when I feel so bad. I'm co-dependent on the people who hurt me. But being alone is scary and unhealthy, right? Especially when you're as mentally ill as me. My mum says I shouldn't cut myself off because I am ill, but I am ill because of them.
I am doubting myself on everything after talking with my mum. I know it's probably gaslighting, right? But I can't handle it. I don't know who to talk to. I feel like nobody understand. What if I am crazy? What if I am wrong? My mum says everyone's family are like mine. So what if Im just making a big deal over the norm, blaming my mental illness on my childhood when it wasn't really that and I'm just ill?

I'm pouring my thoughts out here because I feel I have no one else to talk to. I know it might not be constructive and is really just a ramble. I'm just so stressed I can't think straight. See my mum forced a visit on me and I didn't want to even try and talk about the abuse with her because she doesn't listen and just pushes her own agenda of me overreacting and being the one in the wrong, even if I am simply being scared of my dad when I "shouldn't" be. But she forced a visit on me so I had to let her in and she wouldn't leave and we got talking and it hurts.

I'm sorry this isn't constructive. I just don't know what to do and I need help. I feel like my friends maybe can't all help me too because some of them are closely linked to my family and think my mum is such a nice person and I'm just terrified of not being listened to or believed by anyone else because it destroys me.

Hey,

I'm a bit overwhelmed by all the therapy options. There's people centred, CBT, etc, etc.

I think EDMR or whatever it is sounds good but I don't think I can commit to that cost right now.

So, what therapy helps heal C-PTSD? I feel like I am quite deeply traumatised from my life. I need help. I don't know how to find a therapist that is really good with child abuse cases because on the counselling directory they all just seem to tick everything, so everyone is good at dealing with abuse apparently.

Any insight is much appreciated! Thanks in advance.

I get along with my family now. Outside of being gaslighted over 6 months ago I haven't been abused in the past 2 years.
It's a weird relationship, I'm not close to my dad but we get along in this very strange way - where there's a distance but maybe we pretend that there's not. We do get along for the most part, but when I was younger he was neglectful and he would go into these moods for short periods of time where verbal and physical abuse would tend to occur. I wonder now if he had / has a mental health problem. I still don't understand why he wouldn't have sought help. Maybe he didn't see the abuse as wrong, but how could you not? For that he would need to be severely messed up or missing something (empathy). I don't understand.
Anyway, my family are still in my life. See, I've gotten really, badly depressed again recently and I've been going back to them sometimes. I just need comfort, sometimes I am terrified of being alone because of how I feel. I don't know if it helps.

I wonder if I should still feel angry and be cutting them out when it's in the past. See, I know what happened to me was wrong, but I recognise it's not happening anymore. Should we always feel anger about these things? Or is acceptance and living in the moment more worthwhile? Or am I just lying to myself?
I think I'm codependent cause I feel like I need them. I always rely on someone. At one point it was even an abusive boyfriend because I still always needed someone - a distraction from all the horrible crap going on in my own mind.
I don't like anger. I see it as a negative emotion. But we're told we're supposed to be angry. Why would I want to feel an unpleasant thing? But maybe I have to. But I already felt it before, so why again, if I know the abuse was wrong?
I am so conflicted by this because I do realise I need to heal further too, as I am still rather wounded psychologically, and I still beat myself up quite intensely sometimes, so I can see why maybe I need to remember that the anger belongs outward, not inward.
It's hard cause it's in the past. I guess that's the whole deal with trauma though, we didn't get to feel it at the time when we should have.
This has been a ramble I do apologise. 

(I didn't know how to delete this, as a first post, but I felt I shared too much info so I'll summarise it below:

I was basically getting a lot of anxiety over texting and seeing someone occassionally. My inner critic was going mad because of this as it always does, as I overanalysed things.

I now realise that due to anxiety I was majorly overworrying and making a big deal out of something that should be relatively simple, tehe.

Sorry for this weird way of editing it. It made me feel uncomfortable to share too many things that could identify me. I know that's probably very irrational, as a worry, but I didn't like having it on my mind...)

Trigger Warning: questioning reality, paranoia, dissociation, glaslighting affects etc.


This isn't about trauma memories, this is about the day-to-day. It's really weird but sometimes it's like I question that things are real - is this experience real? I don't feel inside of myself or completely believing. It's not necessarily a negative experience but I feel pretty detached, like I am not me, I am out with that identity, that story.
I hear things, people talking, or experience things and wonder if I've made it up. Of course I haven't, but I doubt myself. It's really weird, sometimes I think it's an anxiety thing, like my brain is warning me "what if this didn't happen? Then how silly will you look" or something. I don't even know. Like I will question that a positive social interaction has occurred, just incase. How crazy to doubt ones own solid memories, but here I am.
It's weird. I guess it's like a cross between dissociation and depersonalisation. Likely also a result of gaslighting, as my M has really messed me up with that in the past. Maybe it's a learned behaviour - you doubt your memories / sanity and analyse their legitamacy long enough I guess it makes sense if this seeps into your day to day life.
I think I do it more the more I make friends and stuff - the dissociation and that. Stresses of a c ptsd life, eh?
I'm coping with it, it's just hard to find relation to this anywhere. I figured people who also have c ptsd might understand, yano?
If you have any input or shared experiences feel free to share. If not that's fine I am p much just getting this out.
Making me realise more thinking about this as well. I am so definitely a freeze type.  I used to fantasise and hope that high school was just a terrible nightmare that I would wake up from. I dissociated from reality a lot by watching tv and then becoming like a smart phone addict.
I retreated so much and now life, as I come out my shell, feels less like reality.
Also, this definitely relates, I think, to the time I had a really bad breakdown from reading and analysing conspiracy theories. It was like a downwards spiral of believing in crazier and more terrifying ideas. My beliefs were of a paramout level of terror and paranoia, the kind most people would not even be able to think up haha. I questioned the very foundations of reality, never mind just my own existence. It was terrifying. I got over it, but I feel it relates to dissociation now I guess, as I didn't know what to believe about what was real - my experience not only didn't count, but wasn't trusted.

Oh well. I'll deal with this like ive dealt with everything else so far. It's just so weird and freaky, when you feel this way. Like am I real? Is my life even real? etc, etc. It could be viewed as spiritual but it's more like detachment. For me spiritual would be to acknowledge a soul and a current identity, not just feel like some lost and confused soul that's like "what the heck?"
Totally rambling here but yeah...