Ramble about Needing Adjustments at Work

[samantha19]

I've had a job for over a year now, but my mental health has made it a real struggle. I was appearing to get better but I don't think I was really, inside, and it's all coming crashing down again, with me taking sick days and being unable to do things (like ask for help / talk to people / go to a meeting). It's becoming pretty visible now, is what I'm saying, although it might not be clear why I'm behaving like this to other people.
I'm finally seriously considering asking for adjustments to be made for my social anxiety, because it is pretty intense and it's really affecting my ability to be good at my job right now. Like today I couldn't bring myself to highlight I had no tasks, which is pretty bad because I should be making good use of my time and actually working, then I couldn't attend a meeting because I went into sheer panic and actually ended up locked in the toilet for about an hour (fun times) and going home sick about 3 hours early.
I feel if I asked for two things it would really help me go from totally incapable to maintaining functionality. These would be the option to opt out of meetings when I feel unable to handle it (because that's twice recently that meetings have triggered me really badly, and it's had a pretty major effect tbh), and to be managed a bit differently (with someone making sure I always have tasks and if I don't then that this is okay).
I think these are quite reasonable adjustments but I do feel uncomfortable to ask for extra help.
i also feel uncomfortable because I was basically told off for the way my anxiety and lack of confidence was making me act last pay review. It resulted in me being put on the lowest mark and receiving significantly less pay than my same level colleagues. Not for my productivity or my work quality, mind, for the "perception" of me. For my lack of confidence and communication skills. I can understand the latter being an issue it just felt unfair when I'd already told my manager I had anxiety and I literally couldn't help it.
For this reason I feel pressurized to be confident above all else, which makes me angry and also puts a lot of pressure on me. It's like telling someone with a broken leg they need to walk more if they want equality and respect. KInda sucks. I understand how it affects things but I feel they are asking the impossible of me. It's cost my mental health so much, because this pressure made me do things I wasn't ready for which triggered all sorts of bad things. Like I forced myself to do a presentation and involve myself more with others after receiving this review, but that quick change meant I became unable to eat most of the time due to nausea from anxiety and I became really underweight and depressed. It's harder to do my therapy when I'm depressed and I stopped doing it regularly. I'm not saying the depression is fully to blame but I think it's part of it.
I feel I should maybe say something to my work about this but I don't know if I'm really entitled to. It just made me feel like it wasn't okay for me to not be okay like this. If they'd offered me help or spoke to me about it outside of a salary-affecting review I would be grateful for the support. But it wasn't done like that, it was done as part of a critical process that docked my money. It wasn't done to help, it was done to critique. I just feel like it put me in a really bad place where I compromised my mental health to try and appear more mentally stable (or confident), and I shouldn't have had to do that, I don't think. Not when I'd already said I have anxiety, so it obviously wasn't a choice. People treat you like all this crap is a choice.

This has been a total ramble I'm just trying to get my feelings out I guess.

My other concern is I still feel ashamed to talk about this stuff. It's especially hard because my workplace is about 90% men. Women are generally way more open about these things, and way easier to talk to about emotional or mental health stuff. I feel scared and embarrassed. I want to appear cooler and calmer than someone who has to ask to be managed differently on projects because she can't bring herself to speak. And I don't know who to talk to. If I go to HR it could take a week or so for them to get back to me, but if I talk to my manager I feel uncomfortable, embarrassed and more open to being judged. I think it's harder, especially, because it's someone I am more familiar with. Like telling a stranger through HR (who should be more equipped to deal with these things) sounds much less intimidating.

I've been tempted to just give in and quit because the stress I am experiencing over work is literally ruining my life. But that would mean debt and unemployment. But I just don't know if it's worth it anymore, and I feel vulnerable to being fired anyway - as I am becoming much less valuable to them as my mental health is deteriorating.

I also don't believe I have a proper diagnosis (as much as my doctors will prescribe medication and I have been put into the mental health system before, there's never been a "congratulations, we have identified you have social anxiety disorder!" kind of thing). I feel this could be a problem, idk. Should probably find out. Would be nice to have the back up of a proper diagnosis.

Oh well. Ramble over for now 

[sanmagic7]

i think you may be correct about having a diagnosis as a backup.  my daughter went through something similar on a previous job, she wasn't able to do one of the responsibilities because of her anxiety.  she did talk to someone, but i can't remember if it was hr or supervisor, and they were ok with her not participating in that particular activity.  she was scared to death to approach someone about it, but relieved as all get out to do the talk and get it resolved.

i don't know if you have to have an actual note from a shrink for this - i don't believe my daughter did.  she just told them she had anxiety and would get panic attacks that made it impossible to do that one part of the job, and asked if she could opt out of that part, and just do other things, like you're suggesting.  i think it's a fine plan, and i know it can work, if you have the right, compassionate people above you.

best of luck with this, samantha.  i certainly hope it works out for the best.  hugs.

[PhoenixRising2015]

Hi Samantha,
It can be so difficult to ask for help for this!

My therapist helped me with a letter that went to my HR department.  The letter asked for certain things (restrictions/accommodations) that we both decided on together and that we thought were very reasonable.  She also helped me with FMLA coverage with helped as well - especially when I had a very bad breakdown and had to go completely out of work for 2 months.  I've been at my job for over 8 years and it's a relatively small, family owned company.  Our HR person is great with this stuff and helped me navigate through everything, which was a blessing because I'd never had to do anything like this before so I was clueless.

Anyway, I was terrified to ask for some accommodations but they were really great about it so I'm glad I did.  Having that additional support has been tremendously helpful to me.  I was able to get back to full time duty and still have some of the restrictions in place in case I need them.  Good to have a safety net.

I wish you the best!

[samantha19]

Thank you both <3 I spoke to HR and they're going to speak to my manager about adjustments. I'm actually feeling better recently but it's a safety net for when I get bad I think.
Thanks again :-) all the best to both of you! <3