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Same here, NarcKiddo! The very first book I read the clued me in to any of this at all was "understanding the borderline mother." I read it straight through t..twice in a row! Blown away at the new perspective and clarity.

I have never had a lasting good therapist, I gave up on that but sure wish I had a good one, who lived with me..lol.

I definitely have some fleas. My mom always angrily called me "too sensitive" and I believed her. I believe now that yes, I was born a sensitive soul, and became "overly sensitive" from constant abuse and beratement. I'm still "too sensitive" to sound, light, aggression, anger, conflict, interruption, disturbing scenes, animal suffering, rejection... or maybe I'm just simply a sensitive soul as I originally was on top of never fully developing coping or relational skills necessary for long lasting relationships.

Thank you, WabiSabi. It's helps to hear that you relate, and also thank you for the realization that I've twisted myself all in knots feeling solely responsible for "messing things up." I can acknowledge my part, but I get overwhelmed with expressions ing the things that bother ME. Because I don't see it in the moment, it's often in hindsight and then I feel like it's too late to bring up.

I am nodding along to what others are saying too. And as others have said, no N is going to ruminate, reflect, overthink and worry themselves sick THEN come to the conclusion THEY are the problem!

& I am not trying to give advice, but I very much relate to how you're feeling

Yes, totally. I think this symptom has gotten worse for me. It's like I can hardly interact with people anymore that I don't feel this way, and then feel deeply relieved when I'm alone again.

I'm working on taking a deep breath and remembering that many things have nothing to do with me. And even if they did- aka family ignoring my texts and calls- that's their perogative and ill just back away, right? I don't know the balance...did I say or do something wrong? Are they sick of my vibe? Are they believing NM's narratives or lies? Who knows. I guess a healthy person might not give a flip or think it's certainly not about any of that..

I think you're right, it stems back to always being gaslit into believing we were the wrong ones and having to over explain ourselves and still get in major trouble because you know, children aren't to be believed or right about anything. But in adulthood, that mode is so hard to break. Like I can intellectually tell myself ll of that is false but I still feel it in every fiber of my being.

I feel bombarded with so many crazy situations with various people all the time..I need to be able to shake them off and focus on something more pleasant, like art.

Thank you for the encouragement to be kind to myself. I need a day like that..

Narcissists ruin all their relationships and end up alone. I ruin all my relationships, or let them go, and end up alone. What's the difference? I wrote a friend and apology letter. I haven't sent it yet. In writing it I realize I never had any concept that I could have much affect on anyone. I tried to forget my insecurity and do an apology the right way, the way I wish I got. I didn't even mention the plethora of complaints I have, just the ways that I caused hurt and harm, and with no expectation of a response.

The thing is, even if she does accept, and we can slowly become friends again, I have no confidence that it will be the same. It's sad. After almost two years, I'm just now really grieving the friendship and feeling strongly about reconnecting. I realize I have had very little skills in a functional way in excited...some...friendships. I do have a couple that are functional I think..and a new friendship..

I think with this one, I was a little insecure. I always subconsciously felt she was better than me, and in hindsight I think she was trying to fix me...nevertheless I miss the good times and talks.

Yes!

I'm so glad to hear her surgery went well, San. I'm glad that big hurdle is past and healing can begin. Sending you all the things you love that bring comfort.

I toooootally get that, Blueberry..

Thank you, Blueberry. I know the long timers are the wise ones. Hearing those words are also like a warm hug.

I started remembering another reason my relationship with AA became out of whack..which I now understand..I guess having a pretty messed up sense of self and still full of self-blame and loathing, when it came time to do the amends, I wound up apologizing for way more than was my place to do. Blaming myself for my abuse, I had all these remorseful reasons to apologize to my abusers and enablers. You can imagine what they did with that. People would talk about what a relief making amends would bring and I thought ya know, maybe this isn't for me. I think it would be different now tho knowing what I understand later in life.

Thank you for your support and encouragement! I can understand it's hard with food because one has to eat. Im always finding it hard to strike a balance. I really want to get back to that place of "meh" with alcohol, and sugar.

 

In the past 3 years, I've kind of gone from fairly athletic still, at the very least active, to two broken wrists, one with surgery, a broken big toe, jacked up shoulder issues ongoing, and now, I have been diagnosed with osteopenia in spine and right hip, and osteoporosis in my left hip.

I'm pretty shook. I've never felt old before, could bounce back to exercising. Now I still can't put much weight on my hands, a regular dog walk threw my shoulder out, and now I need to be careful not to fall or do certain movements.

I'm planning to do all the things I can to get better, even if it costs too much. But, one thing I know I need to do is quit drinking altogether. I'm mad at myself on this, too, because a couple of years ago I quit for about 5 months and felt really good. I really talked myself into knowing that it's just simply poison and any relaxation or good feeling I had was an illusion. It seemed to work, until summer.

Anyway, at one time in my early 30's I went to AA, probably prematurely. One the one hand, I loved my friends there, on the other, I became disillusioned with the whole concept it was somehow a "disease." Dis- ease for sure. I was there 2.5 years.

Basically other than a few dry January's, or 2-3 months here and there sobriety, I have been a 3 beer a day drinker for around 30 years. I'm feelin' it. When I try to go more than one day without it, it's so so hard. I've grown pretty lonely in my isolation, and it feels like a warm hug. I know, dumb, delusional. I know I need to quit entirely and feel good like I did before. Why don't I wanna? I knew this day would come.

I'm so happy for you, Not Alone! 

Hello, friends, I so appreciate your taking the time to respond. I've been thinking so much about your responses and just hadn't had a chance to sit down "with friends" to respond. I'm happy I can do that today after a long week..maybe I'll ramble about that in my private journal.

Blueberry, I realized I didn't comment on your story about your mom going on and on about B2, and then when you gave a reasonable response supporting HER, she snapped back. That is suck a classic move showing who has the N-traits. I have experienced very similar with mine.

I have been revisiting Pete walker, and Patrick Teagan (I just call him Patrick lol) is one of my staples. Thank you for reminding me of this.

Dolly, i totally feel like people misread me because i am glitchy. I get anxious and don't represent myself well. And the cycle of blaming myself continues. I don't know if for instance my N-mom has any thoughts like this. But the last time I tried to speak openly about the subject, being way too vulnerable to her imo, she flipped out and got defensive so I backed far away from that topic, well and then went NC. I have not been diagnosed BPD, but I was listening to Dr. mark's channed Heal NPD...which got me thinking I relate to the backstory of NPD's. And my reasons for being out of whack. (His channel is more of an empathetic ear for the narcissists, so it's less of a supportive feel, but it got me wondering if that was me).  I think it's the narcissist's projection that ruined me and baffles me the most.

Papa Coco, thank so much for your response and sharing that. You helped snap me back into reality, and also reminded me that I too feel like everything is on a spectrum of sorts, and we all have traits of this and that. I think it helps in reminding ourselves we don't have that black and white thinking narcissists seem to have. I picture the "dot" shifting and changing with each interaction and thought, too..that helps. I probably think about my behavior TOO much and that of course concerns me. lol

Your creepy neighbor sounds above and beyond and gave me the chills. I know that direct stare, almost an angry stare of "the narcissist." I believe I have that built in look away or down response because of my mother's constant angry rage-full teeth clenched aggression toward me, and I just learned if I look her in the eye and defend myself in any way there is no one there to mop up the floor when she's done.

I tend to be worst with people "in authority" or even perceived "above" me status- a teacher, a pastor, an person living their life in a way that seems out of reach to me, like artists and musicians. Someone i know I am but struggle to be. and people who I would like to know or get to know. It feels useless and hopeless when it happens because I'm not that way to my closest friends..I know intellectually that "I am worthy" and that no one is really "above" me, but the automatic response and anxiety is real.

Maybe some of these YouTube channels don't get all of this quite right and I should be more selective...stick with Patrick and Pete

Thinking of you and your daughter, San. You have so much going on, I hope you can find some peace and relaxation with your daughter and that she feels a lot better soon. Wishing her lots of healing. 

Thanks, Blueberry..I like just not thinking in terms of labels. Although at times they help me understand, but it's important not to get caught up in them for sure.

I think the only people I would feel comfortable asking would be those who I know don't see me that way, like life long best friends. My best friend usually says I'm way too hard on myself.

I identify very closely with the sleep pattern you described..I got a nights sleep not long ago and I felt like a new person. It was fleeting..

Thanks, Kizzie. I get that. I am constantly self-reflecting and wondering if I should apologize for this that and the other, or improve on connection and self esteem..I know my mom doesn't care and feels entitled to throw me under the bus as evidenced by the narrative.

I just wonder though if there is a difference in the eyes of the people I care about. I think it's possible they see me that way, in some cases I care about.

I think of all of my animals. How, if I am so lucky to see them again or even now just trying to tell them how sorry I am for ways I failed them. How I wish I could do things better for them. Then I think how my mom has made it clear she isn't sorry, and she actually did do cruel things to me (whereas I'm just thinking I'd have predicted the right way and time to help my dogs better). She's aggressively told me she's not sorry and has made up a whole story about me throwing me under the bus. I just can't fathom the cruelty. But, I guess I can come across as distant and struggle to connect with friends or potential partners. My mom just wears a mask and tricks them into believing she is someone she's not. I wonder do I inadvertently do that? I feel like a fraud most of the time. Ugh.