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I've noticed sometimes if I listen to videos on "what to look out for" or "red flags" and such, many of the traits of narcissists overlap with symptoms of C-PTSD. When I hear this, I start to spiral into fear that this is how people see me.

For instance, one person's red flag to look out for to know you're dealing with a narcissist is "emotional response"- lack of eye contact and intimacy. Someone looking around or lacking a deeper response.

From a C-PTSD perspective, I feel like I struggle with these things, and I'm very aware when I'm doing it. The "trying to give responses that sound good" is really a deep sense of threat or self+consciousness about struggles with eye contact. A high sense of anxiety.

I don't know if I'm explaining myself very well. I just start feeling like is this why I struggle to connect? I'm really a narcissist like my mom? Do people misread me as a narcissist? I can feel sometimes I struggle to connect and it's usually with people I actually admire or maybe idealize. People who are doing things I wish I could do.

Between narcissism, cptsd, borderline, autism, adhd I feel like it all runs together and I get overwhelmed and feel like I am misunderstood a lot (another N trait.)

Thank you for sharing your takeaways from the books you read, Hope. My dad was a singer and musician, and my parents always c9pared me to Lisa Marie Presley and Cassidy bono. I didn't know what they were talking about lol. But, while I don't compare myself to the children of superstars and what that must entail, I think it's interesting that they have similar experiences and they have a platform to talk about these things where the masses can hear it. I know Priscilla had some similar experiences to my mom and my mom claims to have married my dad to get away from her father.

I asked her once why it would have been inconceivable to simply "get away" on her own and she looked like deer in the headlights. It's not hard to put together why my mother treated me the way she did, but she didn't "have" to.

Repression..I relate so strongly to that, too, San. It's like my parents could have been more free-I was born in the late 60's, but they were stuck in the 50's as if they were little versions of their own parents, trying to repress and dictate and stay tightly wound.

 

Thinking of you and your D San. It was sweet of you to make your friends some festive Chex mix! Yum! 

  I can understand how complex receiving support in a really difficult time can be. I'm glad you're able to lean into it and accept support from caring people through this time. Big hugs to you San 

San, I'm so sorry about your D's diagnosis. I'm thinking of you and her as you tackle this one step at a time. That is a lot. I hope your reconnection with your cousin was helpful and non-judgemental. Thinking of you and sending loads of support 

It's like once you see it, you can't unsee it.

I know that's a tough spot to be in. It's totally up to you how you handle it. My first year going NC, I agreed to Christmas morning by the tree because the kids were little. NM managed to get in her usual delusional gaslighting. I have not spent the holidays with her since then, but do find time separately with the kids when I can. It's never easy but it was to the point I could not ignore it.

NK, I love how you are thinking about this..and that you sent out the card prints! That was brave, and also a wonderful gift for your family to have a piece of their talented relative's artwork! I'm sure enjoying creativity and what that's like isn't on their radar..just judgement of others, if they're anything like mine! I gave my mother my original artwork for years and she barely commented, sometimes giving a sideways grimace. She can't appreciate originality. What will everyone else think!? Will they approve?

I had a similar experience once about making a card- our extended family was going to all be together for Christmas, and I made a printmaking linoleum block for it, and made prints for everyone as a card/gift. About 30 people. Not a single person commented on it.

I'm just glad you did this, and I imagine it is more appreciated than was expressed by many. I think it's super cool!!

I totally get that, too, Aphotic. It's sad that some parents train their kids to be in panic and fear all the time. We had way too much on our little brains..not much time for play and discovery, or developing interests. You were clearly a very caring, empathic kid who deserved to be seen for that, not taken advantage of.

As I got a little older like in Ms and Hs, I would feel more like I was envious that some people were "allowed" to voice their opinion without getting in major trouble. I think I still feel that way. I had a problem with a lifetime of abuse, so I'm the one alone. Had I known all of what I was experiencing would just be turned around on me, I would have left asap and never looked back..

Thanks, Mathilda, and it looks like a post I made after your last one isn't on here..? I was just supporting you in your difficult situation.

You're so right, Kizzie..a huge part of the physical abuse is the psychological abuse that goes with it. I realized recently through a thread on here that my grandpa, who was SA with me (not R, but touching in private, saying sexual things), would, after I reported him to my parents and of course nothing happened, but he knew...he would come into the room I was sleeping in at very early hours and wake me up by tickling me and saying what are you gonna do, sleep all day? He would be sitting on the bed next to me and tickling me, my chest and up and down my torso and legs. When I said to stop and that i don't like being tickled he just kept right on, all the time.. I never realized that was abusive, but I knew I didn't like it. I was just always taught that adults get to do what they want and I don't have a say. That included PA of all kinds as well.

It was sick. Man. I WANT one of those a-holes to approach me and hit me now because I want to press charges. If I could press charges and prove what they did I would. The worst part about it is having been gaslit and basically ousted from my family. Despite all the abuse I was full of love for these people and only wanted to please them and "earn" their love.

Narckiddo! Wow! That is fantastic! How fun that you take an art class with other people too.

 I'm glad your teacher validated your work and I can certainly see why she wanted it, or a print. I guess your teacher also taught how hard it is to name a price..so many factors, and then it's hard for "us" to do that sort of thing, too.

WHAT!?!?  He hit you in the face as an adult?! That is called "assault" and it's illegal. You would not be out of line to press charges, but I hear what you are saying. Society, the system, church and family are perfectly fine with a parent abusing because it would be uncomfortable for them to intervene. It took me a long. Time to wrap my head around this, to unbrainwash myself, and I still have to revisit that sometimes.

I'm not sure how old you are but do you mean you called CPS as a minor yourself after the abuse, or the adult version? I know the adult version will say adults have their own choice whether to stay with abusers. I called them about a friend once and they showed up at the door and handed them a pamphlet. All it did was stir up drama about who would have told whoever called them.

I'm very riled up for you, Mathilde! If you are current in a position to potentially get physically assaulted, I truly support you in getting far far away.

That's great, Mathilde..good idea to open up to only understanding people, if I knew where to look! Haha. I mainly only talk about any of this on here with you guys!

I guess I make progress and feel like I'm past this kind of stuff, and then I have set backs and get triggered.

  

I can feel that, narc..I used to get upset by passing people on the sidewalk who I would say hello to and they would completely ignore me as if this person speaking to them did not exist..not even a tiny movement in their eye even..I don't expect it anymore and I don't give my energy when someone is looking straight forward with no friendliness..that helps. If they look at me and smile or speak, then great, I return the gesture.

That said, I think one issue of my CPTSD is that growing up, I was expected to "smile" at all times. Even if I was just abused moments before or talked down to harshly in the car, when I emerged to others, the "act" had to be put on. I got lots of compliments for how bubbly and cheery I always was. I'm not saying I ever felt that way, I just got used to always being friendly, polite and cheerful. I can't even tell you how many times I've been told to smile by creepy older men, even though I thought that's what I am doing.

 I understand not everyone came from that. Not everyone is happy, and some people have always been allowed to act how they feel. Good for them, really.

The current issues, I think I have an issue because the two people in question always come across as uber Christian, uber churchy and upstanding. So to receive a comment of support and just ignore it, it's saying something, it feels like.

And to take it a step further, I've always suspected my mom has reached out to friends and spread her smear campaign. I thought for a while I was just being paranoid, but then found out from a couple of people it was the case. So I wonder if it made it to them, and they believed it.