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Yes, poor her. Just like poor her that her father SA me. And poor her that she PA me because she was "just doing what was done to her." (You know, in those times she doesn't remember.)

My family comments on my vivid memory from a young age as some kind of "bad" trait, like it's akin to holding grudges. I can describe in detail the apartment we lived in that we moved out of before I turned 2, etc.

It's funny, when I was in kindergarten, and my sister was about to be born, a teacher came to ME and said, "I bet you're so excited to become a big sister!" I distinctly remember that being the first time I felt someone be concerned with how I felt. I remember feeling kind of confused and "seen" at the same time. Someone concerned with how I felt?? Does not compute, but it felt nice.

The way my mom "taught" me was by hitting, slapping, "marching me to the bathroom" in stores to be whipped. Whipped in front of people, in public or in front of neighbors, etc. this happened a lot before my sister came along and then through the age of 12 or so. Very humiliating and much older than my peers. After I'd have been banished to my room and could often hear her in the yard talking to the neighbor saying how "when I say jump she knows to do it and not ask how high or she knows what's coming!" In her "tone." Always a tone of disgust or denigration. In hindsight she was painting a picture of what a "disrespectful bad kid" I was so no alarms would be raised, because I'm sure she thought they could hear the abuse. And they were old so they were like oh yeah you gotta discipline!

Anyway, dad was mostly gone but was present for it enough to know, and he did nothing. There were so many instances, sadistic and twisted. Not just "I did something wrong and got spanked." I would love to completely forget, get it out of my body..sometimes I can't wait to know what the next life will bring because this one is so broken.

Well-said 

Yeah, I don't know where you fall age wise in comparison to your sibling. I am 7 years older, so a LOT had happened, in private, by the time my GC sis came along. Even so, there would be things she was allowed to do that I wasn't, and many unfair instances. I questioned one of the, ONCE, and that is all it took for me to keep my mouth shut.

I would say NM was malignant and sadistic. She enjoyed making me miserable and now had GC as another source of sadistic supply. She said to me she was the favorite because they had more in common. Oh. Is that a thing parents think and say?

Thank you, Armee, for that important reminder. It took me a couple of years of NC for it to sink in that she in fact gaslit me so much I had always questioned my reality. Not that it happened, because I remember many instances clearly. But that there was any issue with it. She was after all the parent and could do as she pleased (I was raised to believe.)

The only mistake lately is I thought her husband was blocked on my phone. My sister, I
Niece and nephew are in my life, and theirs, so unfortunately I hear the random situation or comment. My niece and nephew don't know why I am NC. I assume they just think I'm wrong for it. They can't imagine. Although when she says an off color comment that to me would have been not a thing at all, they are very hurt, or sad, or angry at how "mean" or "strange" she can be. I wish she could be a distant memory but I don't want to lose them, or they me.

It's weird how NM, ND, and my GC sister all claim to not remember a single thing. Yet I remember "too much."

This new year is weird. Usually I feel a sense of renewed energy, goals or inspiration. This year it's just another day, but I feel down on myself that it's been a long time now-almost a decade- since going NC and learning and trying to heal. I've felt a real setback and major depression lately, and a lot of shame about not moving forward or making things happen that I wanted to happen in my life.

One thing that keeps popping into my mind often, with visual, auditory and olfactory reminders is the PA aspect, and how I feel like these memories that were entertained so much with the EA and VA are the ingredient that makes it so confusing.

Maybe it is because my NM always claimed she never laid a hand on me, "only threatened." Or retold stories to new people implying she would have never treated her kids that way." Yet, I remember the enraged looks on her face as she was doing it, making me feel like she could have easily killed me, accidentally or on purpose. I remember the sadistic methods and unfair and extremely harsh "reasons" for doling out such abuse.

Her husband recently told me (in a Hoover) that "she is traumatized by how she raised me." What? I thought she "doesn't remember!" Now it's just more "poor her." Yet she has never issued a real apology, just vague gaslighting ones like "sorry if I did things I don't remember."

It's all so crazy, I logically know the deal, I understand the whole thing and why..it makes no sense to give it a morsel of energy. I just still have a lot of flashbacks or memories of it at many random things throughout my days. Just the sight of my cousins is a reminder, because a lot of amped up abuse happened when they were around, and many times it was me getting PA for what THEY in fact did.

Being gentle with yourself is a great plan today, Bermuda. Happy birthday!!

I'm on board with you, un-indoctrinating ourselves of others' expectations. I want more of that this year, too. That and to be able to take action and not think everything to death, literally.

Grow wilder! I love it! 

I can relate to all of that, Kizzie. It is a give and inch take a mile scenario, or was. Very low contact for many years, and then no contact for several years now after a straw that broke the camels back conversation. By nothing would change. Do you mean that she would not see the error of her ways and become a great mom or do you mean she will naturally default back to gaslighting and raging? She seems to be a feeble little old church lady to her new husband and family And to my sibling and other family members. Maybe she could just be that for me too.

I'm very confused and overwhelmed right now. I've been NC for a long time now, and have had some phases where I felt "healing" happening. Honestly it's felt very heavy most of the time. If I were to list what happened to me including all of the gaslighting, anyone would logically say of course get far away and never look back. I've tried to.

Then at other times I feel like I almost have an awakening where I "get it" and feel like I should reach out to my NM and radically accept her for who she is and have a "careful" type of relationship, practicing good boundaries.

I just feel so heavy and like I struggle to move forward or find creative flow states with this burden. Logically it is really HER burden, and it's not a guilty feeling, it's more of something hanging over my head that's unresolved. And I wanted the resolution to be something that it probably can't be, but maybe I can reframe and try something different?

I don't know..my life has always been all about my NM, I am seeing. Still. I just thought without her constant negativity and gaslighting I would be able to thrive and finally be myself and make something of myself. It's not that way at all. I may complete mess and still focused on my feelings about it, healing from it, and what to do moving forward. One day one of us won't be here and I don't want to question if I could have done something better.

I love these!

Hi blueberry! lol I know this is meant to be light and funny so I won't go into all the triggers childhood performance brings up for me.. but, I do think of it often. I'm having a hard time thinking "lightly" of things lately but children are always endearing and priceless. When allowed to be!

Absolutely blueberrry! I would not have it any other way. I've done it for myself and my mental health and privacy. I feel safe and secure when I'm alone. But it has probably created a financial situation that was unexpected. Older age has really crept up on me fast! I still feel very young in a lot of ways.

I'm sorry you went through all of that, Saluki. I hope you are in a safe, comfortable place now. Love how the boundaryless mothers think they are entitled to YOUR space! Gawd, I could go on for ages on that topic. That is outrageous, and hello, you'd think a mother would be trying to help a daughter escape a violent relationship, but we know better with these.

This topic and all of the things y'all have said resonates heavily with me as well. I just hate that other people have to go through this as well. It is a torture like no other.

I've struggled with this lately, thinking I may write a letter, but knowing there will be no outcome that would be helpful. I thought I was past this, and had grown and become more at peace within myself, but got a text from my mom's husband, that said he hopes I'm happy now because she has let me go for good. As if she has the power to grant me freedom. But it did hit me and threw me way off.

My mental state takes the form of writing her a letter, and I did scribble out a few main points that came to mind, the same as always. The thing is in our last conversation, I did try to talk to her and it set her off into a major rage. I could not even get one sentence out or any point heard. I know what happens when I engage with her.

I did come to the conclusion that the problem here is her authoritarian entitlement. That justification. She's not sorry because she thinks she has the right to do all of the things and say all of the things. This became clear in a couple of the letters she wrote me following, no contact.

She does come from generational trauma. Her mother and father were the same. My question is when did generational trauma start? Who started abusing who and why has no generation even thought to put a stop to it? It makes sense my mother would have been in an EF while she was abusing me because she would literally say I'm just doing what was done to me. that was confusing to me as a child I would ask then why are you doing it if you didn't like it? That would just Enrage her more.

So in the last conversation in my 40s, I asked her some form of the same thing. She brought the subject up. She still repeated I just did what was done to me. But if I have any problem, she says when you turned 18 Everything was on you. I have to keep remembering that whatever her label is she is a vile, vindictive, sadistic, abusive creature. She plays the victim very well to those around her and her husband buys it hook line and sinker. It feels like she just got married later in life to play out this persona. Mousey little victim church lady, who has no idea why her evil eldest daughter does not speak to her.

I definitely get the writing letters in your head and I wonder if I'll ever be free of this rumination. I really try and go through spells of not thinking about it briefly. I'm sorry you're dealing with this as well and I truly understand.

Armee, I keep an eye out on the state and city employment websites often! I wonder if I could do something from home.

Flitzi, I agree. I've always lived the small, simple life, but always on my own, so it's more expensive than if two of us were sharing expenses. I like it that way so I know it's something I've "done to myself" really. I thought maybe the van life would be an option but I think what I am doing is cheaper these days.

I am sure that I could be relieved due to medical. I have an auto immune disease that has progressed. I think part of my CPTSD and mindset is just to power through with a smile. I would never think to not work because of a medical reason. I have worked through broken limbs, chronic conditions, and this auto immune disorder fairly well working from home, but it's getting more difficult, and the work grows exponentially each year. Making good money for that CEO.

Thanks, Bermuda   

That's a thought, Armee..I am open to anything better than what I have although maybe I'm a little spoiled and should shift my thinking.

I thought well if I lose this job spare of the moment, what would I do? Maybe put a note out on Nextdoor, a neighborhood app, that I could dog walk, pet sit interior paint, mow the yard, etc. maybe a mishmash of things but I don't see that having any health insurance. I wish that wasn't a worry.