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In the past 3 years, I've kind of gone from fairly athletic still, at the very least active, to two broken wrists, one with surgery, a broken big toe, jacked up shoulder issues ongoing, and now, I have been diagnosed with osteopenia in spine and right hip, and osteoporosis in my left hip.

I'm pretty shook. I've never felt old before, could bounce back to exercising. Now I still can't put much weight on my hands, a regular dog walk threw my shoulder out, and now I need to be careful not to fall or do certain movements.

I'm planning to do all the things I can to get better, even if it costs too much. But, one thing I know I need to do is quit drinking altogether. I'm mad at myself on this, too, because a couple of years ago I quit for about 5 months and felt really good. I really talked myself into knowing that it's just simply poison and any relaxation or good feeling I had was an illusion. It seemed to work, until summer.

Anyway, at one time in my early 30's I went to AA, probably prematurely. One the one hand, I loved my friends there, on the other, I became disillusioned with the whole concept it was somehow a "disease." Dis- ease for sure. I was there 2.5 years.

Basically other than a few dry January's, or 2-3 months here and there sobriety, I have been a 3 beer a day drinker for around 30 years. I'm feelin' it. When I try to go more than one day without it, it's so so hard. I've grown pretty lonely in my isolation, and it feels like a warm hug. I know, dumb, delusional. I know I need to quit entirely and feel good like I did before. Why don't I wanna? I knew this day would come.

I've noticed sometimes if I listen to videos on "what to look out for" or "red flags" and such, many of the traits of narcissists overlap with symptoms of C-PTSD. When I hear this, I start to spiral into fear that this is how people see me.

For instance, one person's red flag to look out for to know you're dealing with a narcissist is "emotional response"- lack of eye contact and intimacy. Someone looking around or lacking a deeper response.

From a C-PTSD perspective, I feel like I struggle with these things, and I'm very aware when I'm doing it. The "trying to give responses that sound good" is really a deep sense of threat or self+consciousness about struggles with eye contact. A high sense of anxiety.

I don't know if I'm explaining myself very well. I just start feeling like is this why I struggle to connect? I'm really a narcissist like my mom? Do people misread me as a narcissist? I can feel sometimes I struggle to connect and it's usually with people I actually admire or maybe idealize. People who are doing things I wish I could do.

Between narcissism, cptsd, borderline, autism, adhd I feel like it all runs together and I get overwhelmed and feel like I am misunderstood a lot (another N trait.)

This may be common with CPTSD as it's a relational issue. I feel like the messages I receive about "improving" my life are things like "reach out to people," "be vulnerable," "know you're worthy," etc.

But when I DO what I feel is being more open, vulnerable, interactive, I am not received in a way that matches my intentions. Like, it feels like people think I'm weird, inappropriate, annoying...or at least that's how it feels. It feels like their response is like a record scratch...then I have to talk myself down from there like "I don't KNOW that's what they think, even though they don't respond, or have a weird microexpression, or weird vibe.."

Then further have to tell myself well, I know what my intentions were, and if they don't respond or misunderstand me, that's on them. It's not a reason to feel shame. But then, it feels bad, and I regret having tried or having been open or vulnerable.

This is a big reason why I don't try as much anymore. It feels really crappy to try to do the things other people seem to do with ease, and then feel like something is "wrong."

I guess it makes sense, and probably points to the essence of relational trauma. If I'm relating it back to the abuse, any and I do mean every time I authentically expressed myself, even just in being excited about something or sharing something I liked or wanted to do, it was met with negativity, sometimes extreme, really mean lashing back comments and even physical abuse at times. I think it's why I struggle she freely share, be creative and feel so much shame when I do show care or emotion and am met with weird vibes. It's not enough to just know I'm worthy intellectually. It feels like just a meme.

These parole hearings videos started popping up in my YouTube and I thought it looked interesting so I watched a couple. And then a few more. At first, they were hearing of child molesters primarily, and enablers, and the victims would speak about their experience and why this person should not get parole.

I found it very interesting the way these criminals would answer the questions and state their plea for release. Their attitudes, point of view and even some exact phrasing sound just like my NM. If she had gone to jail for her abuse as she should have, she would have said the same stuff at her parole hearings.

There is a certain affirmation and satisfaction in seeing that no one was fooling the parole board, the strength of the victims voice, and how ridiculous the perps sound, when they clearly think the "poor me" things they are saying are legit. Wow. And just the denial. Some are still saying they didn't do it, or minimizing what they did dramatically. Love seeing the parole board just throw that back in their face and state the entire offense(s).

And then the commentary during and after by the YouTuber is very good. He is obviously trying to highlight the reality and truth of these situations. I don't know why I needed this right now or why I'm a bit down the rabbit hole. I've had some set back lately and got a little confused about my situation, forgetting how abusers actually think. I got a little window into NM's continuing false narrative about me, and I just have to remember that yes, she is exactly like these clueless prisoners who are still playing the victim. Perfectly fine for their victims to not have justice or throw them under the bus. It's all about THEM wanting their freedom back, nothing about their remorse or change.

I hear a lot about these abusive behaviors being due to "generational trauma, " and thinking how to "break the cycle." My questions are:

1. In which generation did this generational trauma start? What initiated the unconscious cycle that laid the foundation for generations to come to receive unconscious and egregious abuse at the hands of those who are supposed to love them?

2. Why has it not occurred to a single generation so far to do anything to change their behavior? Are we the first to have this original thought? Why do they want to stay in those behaviors over having good relationships and a happy life?

I'm very confused by this concept of generational trauma. Was Adam traumatized by a snake? Was a caveman traumatized by a tiger attack? Who started hitting their family and then immediately denying it? Why is THAT the behavior that gets passed down? Why do we learn in school to tell the truth but we learn in our family we must lie? What got in the subconscious? We know that our own abusers were "abused themselves" so just couldn't possibly take accountability or apologize or change..Why? Why now? I understand NPD on an intellectual level, but I do keep hitting a wall with "it's generational trauma."

I got an invite to NM's milestone BD coming up. From SD. I'm confused because last year he texted me that she "let me go for good." (Which she said was MY wish, which tells me the narrative hasn't changed.) I know I am not crazy in knowing she has not and never will change. My feelings are completely numb after a lifetime of this. Almost to the point I could go because I just don't give a flip anymore.

I guess the logical thing would be not to go. Something within me questions if I should throw caution to the wind and go, or reach out and test the water. It's so ridiculous. Part of me doesn't want to leave my sister to deal with her alone for the rest of her life. One point of contention was NM would always make comments indicating she expected me to take care of her through her old age.

Then part of me wants to respond (to SD) with the actual truth. The truth he doesn't know because he belivesnNM's sob story. It's 130 am where I am and I just can't sleep. The big day is SOON. I wasn't expecting an invite and I guess it has me pondering. What's best for me, what would be easiest, would there be a chance she could at least pretend to be different?

Then I spoke to En/ND the other day and he still says things like forgive and forget, it's in the past. All the shallow dismissive and oh so enabling stuff..I kind of blew up at him and said nothing had changed so why does he want to go back to my lifelong abuser.

I think a struggle I have is I have become almost entirely alone 100%. I've lost any umph I used to have. What's the point in going or not going. But, if there's an inkling of a chance things could be different. God I sound like an alcoholic talking myself into drinking (also something I've done.) I guess I don't feel good either way. I haven't really experienced the positive life changes I thought I would by now. Still not at peace.

I've had some under the radar eating disordered thinking and eating patterns throughout life no doubt. I've gone through many phases of different forms of restriction, such as whole food vegan, 30 day green juice fasts, hgb, calorie restriction, and just obsessing over my weight and shape. No doubt stemming from NM's hyper focus on my weight and looks. I wish I had understood she was just jealous, but at the time, I took her words to heart and became highly self-conscious of my weight, looks and even mannerisms, all of which she constantly picked apart.

Anyhoo, now I have an autoimmune disorder, EoE. It has progressed and I'm going to the dr. For it again tomorrow. It's just constantly triggered. My stomachs is also messed up, and I can hardly eat anything without it inflaming and my stomach hurting. I've read the scary stuff about it where it is progressive and eventually will close up all the way..what?

I feel like this is just one more thing that goes along with CPTSD..anxiety, depression, isolation, being smeared and shunned, fatigue, insomnia and now this. I found out others at work have FMLa for this. I'm thinking of asking the dr. About this, because there are weeks when we have to go in at 7 a.m. which is very hard after nights of insomnia.

TW PA




Each year we have to do a bunch of trainings at work. A few are on sensitive topics. They say "the following contains sensitive topics. Take care." And then proceeds with the highly triggering trainings that we are required to do and take tests on. 

I believe I get highly triggered with the PA one, because it describes PA as "causing injury like broken bones, cigarette burns and bruises"(what are we, a movie from the 50's?)  and throw in the disclaimer that "this does NOT include reasonable discipline." And of course doesn't define that.

You know who thinks they used reasonable discipline? My NM. And by discipline, it meant making a peep. Having a like or dislike = "rebellion" (cause for discipline). Saying anything to abuse or to lies= "talking back" (discipline). And so forth. I'm sure you get the message.

She DID leave marks, she did physically harm me. She DID call out of control beatings "spanking" and then claims to forget they ever happened. But the emotional torture of her PA was the worst part. What about the body part being "spanked" is the FACE, and you're not allowed to BLOCK the strikes? My facial bones aren't broken so I wasn't abused I guess!

My question is, why could my mother call it whatever she wanted, do whatever she wanted, and since I didn't show up to school with a broken arm, I was not abused? Still today that is the training. I was a train wreck at school and not one teacher questioned me. I still can't make eye contact with people (which now come to find out is a trait of narcissists!)

I know there have been threads about this ("spanking is abuse") topic. I believe I shouldn't have to rewatch these over and over. Who creates these? Are they a legitimate authority on abuse? I went looking deep into the website and cannot even find a contact form on the subject.

Anyway, sorry to rant while triggered. If someone is a "spanker" snooping around on here, you need to know that any form of striking is interpreted by a young child as life long shame that will be very hard to reverse before long being in no contact with you. Choose wisely.

UGGGHHHHHHH...so my job position changed a little and I am on a new team. On day 1, the way we were supposed to introduce ourselves was to talk about where we are from, our childhood and a challenge we faced. Well, I knew not to be truthful, so I was generic and brief, but it really got my heart racing and feeling exposed and triggered.

Every person on my team described "great" or "uneventful" childhoods and challenges included things like brothers and sisters calling them a name for being to skinny, being bad at math or not being able to think of anything. I just breezed past and didn't answer the question.

Then my direct team mate said something really off color to me which was really condescending..then I notice she is "Ms. Positivity" and even got commended in the broader meeting for being a breath of fresh air. What?

I don't understand why I got moved from my team. There is no apparent reason other than my company just trying to complicate things. This is really affecting me and how I feel about my job now. I also volunteered to do one thing and have been given a ginormous task because of it, and now I want to withdraw my willingness and opt out.

In the end I know I would be screwed without this job so I'm afraid to voice anything. I feel frozen.

I'm still ruminating regularly about writing NM a letter and what it would say. It turn into a novel. Then I think if I had to reduce it down to one page what the most important things would be. In all the years I considered writing her a letter I never have, but I've written tons of journals and letters, just never sent. Now it's to the point that it's all over. She has "let me go". So, I should be free now, right? I don't understand this need to define and elaborate and point out and explain. If she could have understood she would have when I tried to talk to her about the most basic of parts of the problem.

I guess I can't get over the severity of the abuse and the utter lack of empathy. The entitlement that there was nothing wrong with it because "she's the mother." The fact the narrative is all twisted and as far as anyone knows she is the victim and "has no idea." I know it's the same 'ol' story. I've not been able to let it go for good, and I guess it's a final slap in the face that she can.

Today is a hard day, the first without my beloved dog. He has been with me since a couple of months after going NC with NM, and as I have become more of a loner, he was always there, cuddling, getting me out of the house for his walks, traveling with me for work and get-aways, and simply being the most perfect, good boy. It's unbearable not to be greeted and cuddled by him this morning. I just thought I'd share here. I've been sharing a lot about the upcoming family gatherings and ptsd from abuse lately. My baby is the one who soothed me, and I soothed him. We both came from very harsh situations and rescued each other. I don't even know how to process this. I only have images in my head from his last day, which was unexpectedly very rough.

Has anyone seen this movie? It's a biopic about the von Erich family. I didn't follow nor do I have any interest in wrestling, but I thought it sounded interesting so I watched it.

Oh my goodness. Just wow. This movie struck me so deeply. The family dynamic or should I say the narcissistic system. I did a deep dive into some documentary type stuff, and they actually made the movie more palatable.

I don't want to ruin the movie for anyone, but I would love to hear anyone's thoughts on it.

When finding the current day or more recent interview with Kevin, a very sweet seeming man, it just strikes me how he views his dad and his family. Very interesting.

My very enabling dad who I have had several long conversations with about why I am no contact with my NM... first of all, never texts me or calls yet when I text or call he says things like "do you even remember what I sound like?" And I miss you and want to talk to you more often! But yet he never calls or text me or tries to have an actual relationship.

So today, not that big of a surprise after a long period of silence, I get a text saying he hopes I am having a great Mother's Day with my mom. It's so ridiculous and out there and on the nose that on one hand, I see it for what it is. On the other hand, I didn't know he was still in denial about that. at least if he doesn't talk about it he still knows what the deal is right? I told him at great length and fine detail. Or he's not in denial, just trying to paint me a bad person for not being in contact with her.

I remember as I was talking to him about it before his face looking in shock and light deer in the headlights. I didn't realize that by telling him about my mom I would actually be pointing out to him all the things he missed. He needed to hear that anyway, so that was fine. Now he's majorly gaslighting me .

Should I respond to that at all? Probably not. Should I ask him Why do you say that? I don't really know where the conversation go if he didn't listen to me and acknowledge before. It hurts that he doesn't even think about how hard Mother's Day are for me or how this whole situation is for me. He is way more concerned about how his ex-wife feels. I've been going through a hard time with it lately, lots of SI worse than ever. And I'm just starting to do better.

He is going to be here during the period of my sister's wedding at the end of the month and expect to see me otherwise I would just ignore or maybe go NC with him right now too. Honestly, I hope I catch the flu right before the wedding. Or Covid yeah Covid.

I've been stuck in dorsal vagal shut down for a while. I haven't been on here. I think I wrote one discombobulated post that I deleted because I didn't even understand it myself.

Feeling overwhelmed and have events coming up I really don't want to go to. Having trouble staying true to myself and boundaries. Yesterday Myself in a situation where I once again fawned and stressing over whether or not to say something and if so, what?

I think I've just changed, for one thing, and have a hard time with other peoples projections and discomfort. This is why I isolate, I often feel uncomfortable around others. My boundaries are often crossed because I've always been a pleaser. I don't want to be like that anymore, but I struggle to assert myself in a functional way. Then I just shut down and isolate and people think I've ghosted them.

Why can't I just tell them how I feel and let the chips fall where they may? That is just a terrifying notion to me, unfortunately.

So, a sibling is getting married. I have a decent/good relationship with this sibling and don't want to be no contact with her.

However, everyone who I have issue with will be there. NM and her husband, who I am no contact with, LC dad and stepmom, and a sprinkling of " family is everything" aunts, and uncles who have treated me different since they caught wind. I am no contact with my mother, sort of held out hope for far too long something might change. Last thing that happened was my stepdad texted me that she is "granting me my wish and letting me go for good." so that says the narrative is still all twisted around and that there is no hope.

It's a small wedding in an intimate space. I want to support my sibling, but I don't know if I should just go and ignore everybody, or make a huge statement by not going. I know if I don't go it will be a huge deal to family who are there, and it will probably mean that I am now no contact with my entire family. it's just an example of how I'm the one who's ostracized for not taking abuse anymore.

I don't really want to miss her wedding, but it is very overwhelming and I'm kind of pissed that it's set up to where I have to choose. I also think it's sort of silly to be marrying someone she hasn't known that long. I've only met him three times and never met his large clan of young children. I feel like she doesn't really care how I feel about it which is normal but maybe we're not as close as I always thought we were.

The only diagnosis I have ever actually officially had was PTSD. I explained to that therapist about CPTSD and she said yes well this is the only thing like that we have here in the US. That is frustrating that this is a well-known problem and we are behind in acknowledging it here.

Anyway, the more I listen, or learn about all of these things, sometimes I hear the information, as maybe I have BPD or NPD, or both. What I previously thought was CPTSD. I a therapist who has a channel HEAL NPD, and he said CPTSD is in the borderline spectrum. So sometimes I hear I have CPTSD and other times it seems I may have borderline or NPD traits, that they are really the same thing.

The difference I feel is that I care how I treat people, I don't want to have these issues and try to figure them out and change them. Sometimes I feel myself doing things that I don't seem to be able to stop. I'm not verbally abusive, but, for instance, I may talk too much or reveal too much, and I'm worried I have annoyed people. And then when they don't call or reach out, I feel extreme shame about it. I had a good friend fall away and I know that it was because I was self focused in that I had a lot going on, was sick and over explaining , why I haven't been available to do the normal activities. I know we could probably talk and I do own my part but I also am overwhelmed by her impatience and lack of empathy with me. So I've just never reached out which I'm sure seems like I've ghosted her.

Anyway, it's just another source of shame to feel that I may be BPD, or NPD, as well as have CPTSD. I know it's all on a spectrum, but i've become more isolated and lonely, and all of this does not motivate me to form new relationships.

Ugh..so, my sibling is getting married. So you know NM, and flying monkeys will be there. It may even be AT her house! So, I already am feeling anxious and questioning if I will go. Which is sad.

The nephew has a thing. He is the singer at a thing his school is doing. So, they will all be there.

I feel like the only option is to move to the other side of the earth and lose my passport. I'm just really stressed. I keep wondering if I should write nm a letter but then what's the point.

This new year is weird. Usually I feel a sense of renewed energy, goals or inspiration. This year it's just another day, but I feel down on myself that it's been a long time now-almost a decade- since going NC and learning and trying to heal. I've felt a real setback and major depression lately, and a lot of shame about not moving forward or making things happen that I wanted to happen in my life.

One thing that keeps popping into my mind often, with visual, auditory and olfactory reminders is the PA aspect, and how I feel like these memories that were entertained so much with the EA and VA are the ingredient that makes it so confusing.

Maybe it is because my NM always claimed she never laid a hand on me, "only threatened." Or retold stories to new people implying she would have never treated her kids that way." Yet, I remember the enraged looks on her face as she was doing it, making me feel like she could have easily killed me, accidentally or on purpose. I remember the sadistic methods and unfair and extremely harsh "reasons" for doling out such abuse.

Her husband recently told me (in a Hoover) that "she is traumatized by how she raised me." What? I thought she "doesn't remember!" Now it's just more "poor her." Yet she has never issued a real apology, just vague gaslighting ones like "sorry if I did things I don't remember."

It's all so crazy, I logically know the deal, I understand the whole thing and why..it makes no sense to give it a morsel of energy. I just still have a lot of flashbacks or memories of it at many random things throughout my days. Just the sight of my cousins is a reminder, because a lot of amped up abuse happened when they were around, and many times it was me getting PA for what THEY in fact did.

I'm very confused and overwhelmed right now. I've been NC for a long time now, and have had some phases where I felt "healing" happening. Honestly it's felt very heavy most of the time. If I were to list what happened to me including all of the gaslighting, anyone would logically say of course get far away and never look back. I've tried to.

Then at other times I feel like I almost have an awakening where I "get it" and feel like I should reach out to my NM and radically accept her for who she is and have a "careful" type of relationship, practicing good boundaries.

I just feel so heavy and like I struggle to move forward or find creative flow states with this burden. Logically it is really HER burden, and it's not a guilty feeling, it's more of something hanging over my head that's unresolved. And I wanted the resolution to be something that it probably can't be, but maybe I can reframe and try something different?

I don't know..my life has always been all about my NM, I am seeing. Still. I just thought without her constant negativity and gaslighting I would be able to thrive and finally be myself and make something of myself. It's not that way at all. I may complete mess and still focused on my feelings about it, healing from it, and what to do moving forward. One day one of us won't be here and I don't want to question if I could have done something better.

I'm finding day to day worklife more and more difficult to sustain. And I've been looking for what other types of work I could do. I just want to struggle less and be less stressed out with work but I don't know if that goes hand-in-hand with making more money, which is needed. I'm not sure. I feel like I can do it anymore.

Any ideas or helpful paths you have found?