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Hi,

I am struggling more than I can express. . I live in  group home now, due to difficulties that I have cognitively & managing things in my life. I am lucky, I have my own bedroom (and bathroom inside), I lucked out there!!

Drawbacks are sharing the house with 3 other disabled adults. We all have different issues. Physical and emotional.

A housemate of mine has an emotional disability, which can lead to loss of self control. He reached that point a couple weeks ago with me, and he walked by me furiously ~ his eyes were stuck on me, throwing darts until he got throughthegarage door. It was scary.. especially because I was talking with one of the caregivers right then about how I am at a place where I am *really struggling* with my memories of an abusive  childhood.

As supper came up, I was really scared. Very hesitant to join the others to eat & take meds. I waited around 10 minutes, and then went to the table. Unfortunately, my housemate wasn't done with his supper yet.. and my "place" at the table is right across from him.

I stared down to my plate almost the entire meal, minus a few glances at another housemate (who I'm on good terms with). She was glancing back & forth between him and I. Foolishly, I glanced at him once. Trigger warning: PA ((**He was staring at me with dark, evil, and scary eyes. It was exactly like my brother stared at me, as he was on top of me, as we reached the end of a fight). Mark's hands were held tightly around my neck, squeezing. But the scariest part were the most evil eyes I have EVER seen! He enjoyed seeing me in that position.. having complete power, maybe. I swear to God, as my witness, my brother ~ and that housemate ~ wanted me to die.))

About 2 weeks later now, and my housemate is back. I've been very scared for the entire time, dreading when he'd come home & knowing that it'd be any day. The caregivers just don't seem to understand how I feel. They assure me that my housemate is in a much better place. He's on good meds, talked with several helpers, etc.

I understand that intellectually. And I can appreciate that. However, I am still struggling. I'm kinda stuck reliving seeing those eyes looking at me & feeling the terror. The caregivers have absolutely NO comprehension of that freaking *terror*  

To make things even better   Today is my brother's birthday. (Not that I ever celebrate it) I kept waking up to night terrors.  I've been seriously scared since I got up 9 hours ago. I just want to hide away.

But these dang memories. Not just memories of what my brother did to me .. but clear memories of how he abused his girlfriends ~ emotionally (& I often worried about them physically). Every time I remember these things, I'm filled with intense fear, sorrow that my parents never believed or supported me & looked the other way as Mark abused each of us.

And I feel guilty that I did not protect his girlfriends. No one deserves the * that he put them through. When I got to be mid-teen to early 20s, I strongly encouraged his girlfriends to leave. I told them that Mark was wrong. They are decent, beautiful women! They did NOT ever deserve that EA.

I should have done more... Maybe that's why my emotions are so intense. I just can't seem to get through & over my childhood & adolescence.

Sorry this is so long... I am alone. I do have a psychologist. But, I can't get in to see him until next week ~ he is SO busy! In the meantime, I honestly don't know how to make it through. I did tell a friend about it earlier. He recommended that I go for a walk, or talk to my daughters about it. That's not happening!

Feeling terrified, just "going for a walk" isn't going to help very much. Especially because I have to walk by my housemate, who I really do need to avoid seeing fir a little bit.

If you made it all the way through, I thank you dearly.

Hi Slashy,

Just the other day, I got hit with a positive memory from my early childhood. . After it rained, in the suburbs of Chicago, we would run out into the street with a wheelbarrow and pick up worms (I was a tomboy, I guess), and had a real hoot... We got *so many*!

We left them in the wheelbarrow, in the backyard, go inside, and it'd be about bedtime. So, I guess they got out okay... just a little lost, maybe.     I hope that they found their way back! Lol...

((((Molleymae))))

It sounds like the world fell apart when those memories came through, to the nth degree..

I am so sorry that you held your memories down for SO long...I hope that you pick up lots of support and understanding here.

You are not alone. 🫂 🫂

trying2c

We're adults ~ we've naturally developed (and gotten our long-time) physical "issues" diagnosed. In most of those cases, meds are necessary to treat them.

Like others, I have those issues. I just have more illnesses than most 54 year-olds.

Unfortunately, along with my physical disability, I have a lot of challenges due to the SA, PA,and EA that I went suffered throughout my childhood and adolescence.

The long- term major depression, anxiety, cPTSD added to those physical disabilities is completely overwhelming to me!

I have been trying SO hard, for SO long!! Dr's have Dx'd my emotional case very difficult to treat, due to both physical reasons, as well as how young I was when the abuse began. 

All of this feels just like a horribe mess to me... I struggle a lot with self-hate and hopelessness. :sad:

Welcome Fennec,

I am so sorry for your long-lasting abuse in childhood and adulthood. I understand how you felt that you needed to wrap yourself into that little shell ~ to avoid more pain.

My life has been similar... You are in my thoughts. I hope that you find the support and ideas to help you find the right way for you to relieve your pain, and you can find that strength to risk coming out of your miserable shell.

Thanks again, Kizzie,

I really appreciate the support that I've gotten already

Hi Blueberry,

I'm sorry that you went through the same thing, it is a painful experience

Thank you, NarcKiddo

I really appreciate your kindness.

Thank you so much, Blueberry

I wish that so many people hadn't gone through such misery! But, it is relieving to not feel misunderstood and alone anymore.

Hi Kizzie,

I agree that starting a movement that becomes accepted by the general population & especially medicine would be SO helpful to us emotionally!

We have all been brushed aside by  almost everyone, (family, Dr's, and often general public). Most people either think that we're making it all up, or that our experiences weren't *that* bad (like my ex-husband). Just get over it. It was "when you were young & they were just curious... It's "normal". And "brothers and sisters fight", blah blah blah.

Like most others, I am sure, I  still have trouble with an extreme difficulty opening up to others &
trusting them with my deep pain.

It IS a big problem and deserves to be recognized.

Regarding my Intro post, I appreciate your feedback. As you can see, I have always struggled with the reality. And I really don't want to fix my family relationships anymore.

*Although, I don't know if that's "bad & unhealthy" for me.

The pain that's plagues me now (minus the SA) is my daughters relationships with my parents. They are close to my girls ~ and this part of me thinks, "Why now??

Why didn't you care about me??" That hurts. I avoid seeing and talking to my parents as much as I can. Everyone else, other than my sister, is pretty much out of my life completely. Which brings me a sense of relief to just be alone.

Hello Kizzie,

Thank you...

I wish SO badly that I wouldn't have to keep remembering these terrors, especially because there was so much throughout my childhood. The really painful fact that the abuse was committed by more than one person, and more than one type of abuse. I came forward to protect my aunt's baby daughter. I would NOT stand by and let her be affected by abuse.

The effect of me coming forward wasn't pretty though. Her mom - my aunt- (who I loved more than *anyone* in my family), my grandma (another who I loved and thought that she loved me), grandpa, and a couple of uncles - they all immediately their backs on me & refused to talk with me for 2 years.

THAT hurt more than (almost) everything!😭 The sorrow from the family that I was born with is just a *hard and sad* reality. I have to accept that. I stopped the ugly cycle (thank goodness!), but I have paid hard for it. And I am struggling to get through every day. My daughters have no idea of this past... it's way too ugly to burden them with! But, it also still leaves me alone inside.

Maybe that's why my terrible memories are inescapable? I just feel like a pain~ 1 hour a week, that's all that my insurance will pay for. Unless I went inpatient... and I will not do that if I can possibly control that.

Anyway, sorry that I went into my past a little further. . I just thought, maybe it would give you more idea of "me"?

Hi NarcKiddo,

I suppose that you're right about others with CPTSD not being real eager to opening up face-to-face about those things. Funny, I actually hadn't put much thought into that aspect. 

I definitely appreciate this group! It will be a relief to gain sincere support from others like myself. 

(((Hugs)))

I am sorry that you're struggling a lot. . It sounds like you were saying that you feel misunderstood and unloved by everyone. Did I get that right?

The interesting part (to me, anyway) is that you said that you do become more reasonable and calm later. When those moments strike, do you do anything about them?

Maybe you can write it down? That way, you can refer to it during those dark times, and hopefully it well help?

Or, if family or friends were involved & a few harsh words were said, something can be done to try to work through that during a time where you're more thoughtful? It would be terrific if they gained an understanding of your perspective & vice-versa, and eventually became closer to one another.

That last one may be wishful thinking.. but, hopefully there are a few decent people in there. I hope that you catch this post in a good time, and that you understand what I'm trying to say. Sometimes, I kinda get off track! Lol 😉

As you can see, I'm not "Spring chicken", at almost 55.

I have been trying hard to overcome my issues since I was 10 y.o, in therapy. Some parts, I kept stuffed away to protect myself, afraid that they psychology team would think that I'm lying & lock me up. I was terrified!

Unfortunately, those memories still come back to me (for no apparent reason that I can see) and I CANNOT handle the intense terror. 

Sadly, I've tried all of the medicines. I unbelievably agreed to ECT in December (which slammed my short-term memory hard).

I have been looking for a group that meets in my area, to talk about these topics in person.. hoping it would then be small and a little more emotionally supportive. (I'm shy :wink:) No luck with that yet, though I'm
unsure why.

I feel very alienated in this world. . I hope to meet you soon!

Hello She

I hope that this group helps you find support and tips on making everyday life easier.