(Warning: PA, SA , EA talked about)Triggered by a housemate

[trying2c]

 
Hi,

I am struggling more than I can express. . I live in  group home now, due to difficulties that I have cognitively & managing things in my life. I am lucky, I have my own bedroom (and bathroom inside), I lucked out there!!

Drawbacks are sharing the house with 3 other disabled adults. We all have different issues. Physical and emotional.

A housemate of mine has an emotional disability, which can lead to loss of self control. He reached that point a couple weeks ago with me, and he walked by me furiously ~ his eyes were stuck on me, throwing darts until he got throughthegarage door. It was scary.. especially because I was talking with one of the caregivers right then about how I am at a place where I am *really struggling* with my memories of an abusive  childhood.

As supper came up, I was really scared. Very hesitant to join the others to eat & take meds. I waited around 10 minutes, and then went to the table. Unfortunately, my housemate wasn't done with his supper yet.. and my "place" at the table is right across from him.

I stared down to my plate almost the entire meal, minus a few glances at another housemate (who I'm on good terms with). She was glancing back & forth between him and I. Foolishly, I glanced at him once. Trigger warning: PA ((**He was staring at me with dark, evil, and scary eyes. It was exactly like my brother stared at me, as he was on top of me, as we reached the end of a fight). Mark's hands were held tightly around my neck, squeezing. But the scariest part were the most evil eyes I have EVER seen! He enjoyed seeing me in that position.. having complete power, maybe. I swear to God, as my witness, my brother ~ and that housemate ~ wanted me to die.))

About 2 weeks later now, and my housemate is back. I've been very scared for the entire time, dreading when he'd come home & knowing that it'd be any day. The caregivers just don't seem to understand how I feel. They assure me that my housemate is in a much better place. He's on good meds, talked with several helpers, etc.

I understand that intellectually. And I can appreciate that. However, I am still struggling. I'm kinda stuck reliving seeing those eyes looking at me & feeling the terror. The caregivers have absolutely NO comprehension of that freaking *terror*  

To make things even better   Today is my brother's birthday. (Not that I ever celebrate it) I kept waking up to night terrors.  I've been seriously scared since I got up 9 hours ago. I just want to hide away.

But these dang memories. Not just memories of what my brother did to me .. but clear memories of how he abused his girlfriends ~ emotionally (& I often worried about them physically). Every time I remember these things, I'm filled with intense fear, sorrow that my parents never believed or supported me & looked the other way as Mark abused each of us.

And I feel guilty that I did not protect his girlfriends. No one deserves the * that he put them through. When I got to be mid-teen to early 20s, I strongly encouraged his girlfriends to leave. I told them that Mark was wrong. They are decent, beautiful women! They did NOT ever deserve that EA.

I should have done more... Maybe that's why my emotions are so intense. I just can't seem to get through & over my childhood & adolescence.

Sorry this is so long... I am alone. I do have a psychologist. But, I can't get in to see him until next week ~ he is SO busy! In the meantime, I honestly don't know how to make it through. I did tell a friend about it earlier. He recommended that I go for a walk, or talk to my daughters about it. That's not happening!

Feeling terrified, just "going for a walk" isn't going to help very much. Especially because I have to walk by my housemate, who I really do need to avoid seeing fir a little bit.

If you made it all the way through, I thank you dearly.