I feel worthless

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

I was whinging about how I'm insecure over my typology test results and how I get really * obsessive over it and then someone responded with "its all psuedoscience" with LOL on the end (the LOL implies that I'm a laughing stock to them). Certainly not the only example. It happens to me all the time everywhere I go but whenever I speak up about it I just get labelled "paranoid", I am just so confused.

It's to the point where I pretty much need to give myself a pep talk before leaving the house, there's virtually no longer a single day in which I am overwhelmed with self-doubt only to cringe at it later once I'm in a calmer and more reasonable state of mind, and I vegetate in front of the internet and/or smoke weed to count my blessings and acknowledge the equal value of everyone and everything to feel more reassured and confident in myself but only momentarily.
I have my identity invalidated by pretty much everyone everywhere I go. The kids home did it, supported living do it, my family do it, strangers do it, people on the internet do it. I am a transgender male, I worry about looking dumb and illogical (intelligence in general, well in this case booksmart intelligence in particular as contrasted with streetsmarts or something, is a highly misunderstood and complicated concept), obviously I have AN so I am very careful about what I eat and I'm obsessed with my weight, and I can't stand being infantilised. But this * happens constantly:
- being gifted mostly FOOD GIFTS at birthday/christmas followed by * skincare products for women. I wish I could be gifted books, video games, horror films and/or weed instead.
- strangers getting my pronouns wrong.
- being told to "calm down".
- comments, remarks, etc in general that assume (either explicitly or implicitly) that I'm overly impatient, hysterical, impulsive, gluttonous, extraverted, attention-seeking, irrational, primitive, shallow, etc (e.g. "I'm surprised you managed to read the entire paragraph" "do you lash out at someone whenever you find their outfit ugly?")

[trying2c]

(((Hugs)))

I am sorry that you're struggling a lot. . It sounds like you were saying that you feel misunderstood and unloved by everyone. Did I get that right?

The interesting part (to me, anyway) is that you said that you do become more reasonable and calm later. When those moments strike, do you do anything about them?

Maybe you can write it down? That way, you can refer to it during those dark times, and hopefully it well help?

Or, if family or friends were involved & a few harsh words were said, something can be done to try to work through that during a time where you're more thoughtful? It would be terrific if they gained an understanding of your perspective & vice-versa, and eventually became closer to one another.

That last one may be wishful thinking.. but, hopefully there are a few decent people in there. I hope that you catch this post in a good time, and that you understand what I'm trying to say. Sometimes, I kinda get off track! Lol 😉