Messages

thanks, chart, for your perspective.  i do get the whole idea of 'my T is getting as much from this as i am' train of thought.  i felt like that with my last T - she learned a lot from working w/ me.  as you said, even so, she gave me a sense of stability which i sorely needed, and the idea that someone had my back.  but, she did learn, and was extremely helpful to me in the end.  so, best to you with yours.

DF, thank you for being here for me.  and, yeah, i agree.  the stress is wearing.  except for maybe immediately after a nap, i'm pretty much tired all the time.  of course, getting proper and consistent sleep would probably help a lot with that!  as i said to chart, i had to educate my last T on a lot of aspects of myself, my 'self', and how i function. in all my years of therapy, i have yet to find someone who 'gets it'.  but we keep doing what we can, right? 

thanks, NK.  i hope so, too.  my D told me that when my medicaid comes thru, i just call them to find out about T's who are in their system, and i can't do that until next month, so everything's on hold right now.  but, we'll see!

just tired today.  we're gonna have our 'second summer' for the next 5 days, so it's gonna be warm again.  not looking forward to that, but i don't think it'll be as hot as during the regular summer.  hope not anyway.  plus, it won't last long.

my D is having to go thru these tests for narcolepsy, which is what we want to be wrong, and not just sleep apnea.  so, stressful again.  i feel so bad for her that she has to keep going thru this bull pucky.  it's just not letting her alone!  so, we're hoping for narcolepsy, which seems weird, but it might be what she needs to get some financial help from the feds.  that would be so great!  here's hopin'!

i can only imagine how uncomfortable that might've felt, NK, but honestly, what a lot of good, hard work you have done!  the fact that you allowed yourself to go deeper into all this is a sign, to me, that you are trusting yourself more than in the past to be able to manage whatever comes up, including younger NK's.  and i agree - teen NK had to keep those plates spinning when it wasn't their job, and now adult NK wants to take over but teen NK is balking at that.  maybe a trust issue?  just a thought.

keep going!  i think you're doing a great job.  love and hugs

well done, SO!!!  way to push thru!  i do believe the time will come when you can appreciate all you accomplished with this, the planning, the doing, the pushing through, the readiness for new growth.  i find it exciting for you.  you deserve to rest after all that.  love and hugs

ditto    well done you, DF!  and so happy the results were good.  love and hugs

what a horrible situation to be in!  so very sorry you're so stuck, yael.  i've gotten backlash for speaking up as well, so i can related.  i know it's difficult to find someone who will listen, let alone advocate for you.  these mind games are the worst and leave no visible wounds, which makes it difficult, i know, to be believed, let alone validated.

i'm glad you were able to speak up here.  i believe you and want only the best for you and your son.  i wish i could help more.  hopefully you'll eventually find someone who will listen and believe.  would some kind of advocacy group be a possibility somewhere in your community? a clinic where there may be someone familiar w/ this type of situation?  they would have more resources available, i would think.  best to you with this.  sending love and a hug filled with strength and hope.

thanks a ton, blueberry and NK, for the support!  yeah, it's really nice to know i'll get some financial help w/ this, even if only for a while.    

very tired lately.  it's still so hard to feel relaxed, unless i'm in front of the tv w/ my D, we're watching something easy - my eyes will just start closing, and i have a hard time keeping them open!  but, there it is.

my medicaid benefits start in oct., and i'm hoping to find a T thru the network.  my D found one she likes, but i don't know if she's a trauma T, and i know i definitely need one of those.  talk will only get me so far, altho at least it mite be good for stabilization and grounding.  at any rate, we'll cross that bridge when i get to it, but it feels kinda nice to think i may get some help w/ all this.  we'll see.  (i can feel my mind going all over the place with anxiety now about the hassle of telling my story to someone new, settling in, letting them know what i need, catching a good vibe off them, all of that!!!)

and, maybe tomorrow WILL be different, bach.  chicken/egg, but hope springs eternal.  just last nite, my D and are were talking about how much weight we've gained during her cancer battle, especially eating so much while she was doing the radiation treatments.  we're both aware, both know what we need to do to rectify the situation, but as we both went for late-nite food last night, i said to her - i guess it's not time yet.  she agreed. 

there is no set 'time' in my mind, when we'll be able to care for ourselves correctly and constantly.  we're still wounded, injured, wrestling w/ terrible thoughts about ourselves, memories of what's been done in our lives, and it's such a slow, sometimes painful process to settle any of that down.  all we can do is grab opportunities when possible, make changes when possible, and do 'good' for ourselves when possible.  and remember it's not a straight line from there to where we want to get to.  we are only human.  love and hugs

ok, then i'll be proud of you in your stead, blueberry.  well done!  you are very productive when you have the energy to do things.  unfortunately, we have such limited energy at times, it just doesn't seem fair or right or whatever that we can't maintain it.  i often feel like giving up when i have days on end of that stress flu crapola, feel quite useless cuz i don't have the energy to get off my butt and dust!  take a shower!  drive along to help my D w/ her delivery stuff!  feel too sick to do anything but play on the computer or watch tv.  yeah, it sucks, big time. 

so i'll be proud for the both of us till you're able to get to the point where you can be proud of you for doing what you can when you can.  i, personally, think it's a great accomplishment mainly cuz the energy/feeling good or well enough is not always available.  love and hugs

interesting, DF.  i know i am totally not 'speaker oriented' - rarely do i nod along, validating what the speaker is saying.  it's like i've got a stubborn streak when i see others nodding, and i rarely do it myself.  give me the information, i'll see if it pertains to me or if i can use it, if i agree or not, if it's helpful to me cuz it's something i didn't know before.  i guess i'm 'listener oriented', which apparently isn't even a style according to the person who presented this.

our patterns are indeed hard to change, but i think, since you're recognizing them and then realizing what they mean for you, you've got one foot in the door to making the changes you want to make.  i hope you can keep focused on that, and i believe you'll eventually get to where you want to go.  best with this.  love and hugs

oh, DF, i so wish this would've had a happier outcome for you.  i'm still trying to be 'seen' by some of the people closest to me, and it doesn't work real well, either.  i think all we can do is take the chance, which you did.  there's no guarantee about the outcome, but at least you gave it a shot.  i'm proud of you for that, and i hope you can be proud of you, too.  it's all we can do is give it a shot and hopefully, one of them will hit the bullseye.  but, at least you don't have to regret not trying.

i've struggled w/ this a lot of my life - i'm still very sensitive about the idea that most people i know - and this has been verified by some of the people i've talked to - still think my moving to mexico was totally irresponsible and nonsensical, and that all i did when i was there was lay on the beach sipping margaritas.  even after i explain that i was running for my life and that was the only place i knew to go to have a chance, most of them don't get it, can't conceive of that level of desperation.  it's a horrible feeling.

i'm so sorry you go thru this, but i want to let you know you're not alone.  i truly think it's, once again!, the nature of this beast.  we're the ones who have to deal with the fallout of being wounded so terribly that it causes us this unsureness and neediness about ourselves.  totally sucks!  love and hugs

perhaps, indeed, bach.  those word associations are strong.  usually, 'esteem' is a positive, from all i know, but i can see how it could've gotten twisted for you.  that's too bad, really.  actually, till you just wrote this, i never connected 'self' and 'esteem' in quite that way - how much esteem we have for our self.  to me it was one of those phrases that was always connected and just meant something about how well i thought of myself, what kind of regard i had for my 'self'.  that kind of thing.

i hope you can either delete that neg. connotation from the phrase 'self-esteem' or replace it w/ something that works for you.  and, i've never thought of self-esteem as being connected to being egotistical, but, again, sounds like it got twisted for you.  i've thought of 'arrogance' as thinking too much of oneself, as in 'better than' in some way - that's got an egotistical ring to it in my mind.  aaaah, the power of words.

we've been dealt some rotten hands in our lives.  as kenny rogers said, we've got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to walk away, know when to run.  and that's good advice, as far as it goes, but sometimes those hands are so attached to us, it's hard to get away, walking, running, flying, folding, whatever.  we're still at the table tho, for what it's worth, still making decisions about what to do with what we got.  i give us a lot of credit for that.  love and hugs

hope, so glad that pesky headache went away.  they suck! 

keep up the good work listening to those parts, and congrats on reaching for the keyboard instead of the snack.  love and hugs

you know, bach, my D has often talked about the idea that her generation was told they could do or be anything they wanted, and they grew up believing that, only to fall on their butts time and time again cuz the reality was something totally different.  and they blamed themselves for the most part, and are not very happy. 

you were not given the tools nor the support or encouragement to reach your full potential.  that's not your fault.  yeah, if you'd gotten any of that, your life might have been different as far as 'success' goes.  but you didn't, and that's not your fault, either.  however, your intelligence, determination, and willingness to look both inside and outside yourself is intact.  you are writing here trying to figure out how to move forward from all that happened to you.  that's no mean feat, certainly not easy.  still, you persist, and for that you deserve all kinds of credit.

i have a lot of the same feelings that you mentioned about how different my social life could have been if i'd had some awareness of the positive qualities i possessed, how different my relationships might have been, how i could've recognized all the harm being done to me and stopped it much, much sooner in my adulthood.  instead i'm left with an empty feeling of 'could have been's', especially that i could have been much happier throughout my life if i'd only been given what i'd needed as a kid/adolescent.

it totally sucks, bach, but i get it. it did happen, and we're left with the aftermath, trying to live the best life possible under such a heavy shadow of neglect and abuse. i wish it weren't so for either of us.  love and hugs

hey, hope, i found it interesting that you thought your hunger pangs might be caused by a 'part' rather than it's you who are feeling hungry.  i would've never seen it that way, so it's eye opening to think of that.  thanks for sharing.  something for me to keep in mind.  i've usually put it down to the idea that i've done a lot of 'brain' (concentrating, focusing on numbers or paperwork, editing, that sort of thing) work and it's my brain that's telling me it needs extra fuel at that particular time. 

keep up the good work.  i think it's a good idea to write here about your hunger rather than run to the fridge or something.  if i could remember, i'd like to do that as well.  love and hugs

thank you, DF, for all you wrote.  it helped to 'normalize' this for me, and not be embarrassed because it happens.  i, too, think i can handle this stuff myself, but this last episode convinced me that's not so.  it often happens at doctors' offices, especially when they talk so fast and i can't follow them, or, like i said, when they give off a certain vibe that i don't really consciously feel, but i do know i'm not comfortable w/ them.  and i do go into freeze mode, now that i think of it, cuz too often there will be pain or discomfort involved and i need to stay very still in order to endure it.

but i have come to see the gray lady now as a protector, too, and am glad she's there for me.