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PC, i totally get the 'times it's safer to drive' thing!  where i live, it seems most accidents happen at intersections, so those are the places, especially in the afternoon when work's getting out, i'm more cautious than ever before.  and more scared.  and, yep, i have those fears you mentioned as well.  driving, especially on the road, so to speak, was my 'safe' place, and that's taken away now.  it doesn't leave us w/ a lot, does it.

i hate that we have to go thru this. fyi.

as far as what's trauma based and what's natural, i'm not sure either.  maybe they're intermixed for us now. my ex had terrible road rage, and i know there are others out there like that, for no reason except what was in his mind and how he perceived some perfectly normal (to me) lane-changing or whatever.  he took it completely personally, like they were doing it to him on purpose to make a fool out of him or something.  so, yeah, i think some of it is mixed.  my reflexes aren't as quick as they used to be, so i'm going to make some inadvertent mistakes once in a while, but how those might be perceived by others?  well, who knows?  fingers crossed and prayers flyin', for the most part.

we'll figure it out, or it won't really be worth figuring out, and we'll just do the best we can with what we've got.  or so i want to believe.  love and hugs

hey, D.A.G, i get it about the therapist thing - i don't have one right now for the same reasons. so, we do what we can with what we have.  thanks for sharing, for not hiding - as i've come to believe, we've taken on the shame for others, that they're the ones who deserve to feel ashamed.  whatever happened to us, it is not on us.  we didn't do it, it was done to us, no matter the circumstances.  their fault, their shame, guilt, all of it.  i think it's ok to let them have what's rightfully theirs, so we don't have to carry it around anymore.

not that it's easy to do that.  no, it's not.  it takes practice, mistakes, learning, more practice.  just know you're not alone in this.  we're all practicing together.  i'm smiling now at that notion - it's nice to feel the extra energy.  i hope you get to feel it as well.  sending love and a gentle hug for all you're going thru, even w/ scrambled egg brain.

hi, dark.art.girl.

i believe you are healing for the most part, altho some of it may feel like you're just holding on.  i totally relate to the idea of triggers being everywhere at any time - i've thought of it as tho the present is now tainted in so many ways and on so many levels by the past that i can't get around them.  they're there, they grab me, the feelings come again.  no, you're not alone in this.

it sounds like you've gotten to a deeper part of all this perhaps? i'm very sorry you're going thru it at all, altho i'm very glad for you that your partner is there by your side, not letting go.  do you have a therapist?  i think this may be something to speak to them about, work on resolving these issues so the triggers fade.  it's rough, tho, when no matter what you do, where you go, something reaches out and sends you spiraling.

i do hope you find justice and closure.  best to you with this.  sending a gentle hug, if that's ok.

i agree, PC, that with age the feeling of empowerment lessens.  we aren't as strong as we used to be, i know i'm not mentally as quick as before in sorting things out, coming up w/ viable solutions, not as quick on my feet - i couldn't outrun a baby anymore.  as someone once said, growing older is not for  . . . well, everyone, i guess, yet it's inevitable that we grow older so we have to make adjustments, including adjusting to the facts that we're not the way we used to be.  it's tough stuff, for sure.

driving has been a rough one for me.  i used to drive across the country by myself to visit another country, take weekend trips on my own to other parts of my country, enjoyed the freedom of being on the road alone, and had no cares or worries about what might happen.  that is not my truth anymore.  there are a few places around town i feel ok in driving to and from, but otherwise anxiety grips me.  what was is no more in so many ways. 

like i've said before to others - hang tough - i'm hangin' right beside you.  you're not alone is this.  love and hugs

i agree with blueberry, bach.  hang tough, ok?  we're hangin' right beside you.  you're not alone in this.  i found many relatable thoughts in what you wrote.  sending love and a big hug filled w/ care and comfort.

i agree, NK, about the prolonged nature of this beast.  when i think about how i was as a child, what i endured, then put decades of relationship abuse from all sides - family, child, friends, therapists, husbands, doctors, etc. - all those layers, well, at this time in my life i'm quite sure i won't get thru them all, but i just want to live somewhat ok from day to day.  and, no, i barely made it to this point, can't imagine (well, yes i can) what would've happened if it had been sprung on me all at once.  thank you so for your support. 

my D gave me a little stuffed bison (my spirit animal) for my birthday.  i've never had one as a child, altho i did have a doll i adored which got me to sleep every night until one night she was gone, disappeared, and i made up a story about how the fairly kind took her cuz he needed her.  many decades later i asked my mom if she remembered that doll, she said she did, threw it away cuz it was yucky.  and that's how my mom dealt w/ stuff i was attached to - just disappeared them. that happened more than once.

i've gotten a few over the years, but just put them on a shelf or something, until this one.  the past couple nights i've discovered that i can gather him in, hold onto him, and he's comforting to me, and i can fall asleep during the nite pretty quickly and easily.  will wonders never cease.  i've only done this twice w/o realizing what was happening, so i do want to do more of this.  i never got it before.  at one point in my life, after hub 1 left, i did sleep w/ our 2 big dogs on the bed, and i slept quite easily then, too.  it's a safety thing, and a cuddling thing, and a touch thing for me.  the best sleep i ever had was w/ a guy who cocooned me, just wrapped me all the way up. hmmm . . .

i wrote to our senator yesterday about losing our food stamps.  i just want this madness to stop.

i've also discovered something i've been utilizing the past few nites re: my D1 and ex.  they're the main reasons i can't fall back asleep.  in my mind, i've pictured them standing there, told them to sit on the sidelines, they can talk to each other but not to me, can't interfere w/ me, and i give them 5 or 10 min. during the day, let all the thoughts come at me.  visualization, indeed!  thanks, blueberry.

thanks so much, chart.  i think so, too, that c-ptsd is more devastating than we might have ever thought, no matter what its source.  also, as i get to know about myself more intimately, i'm finding new ways that this is true, how it affects me in an everyday way.  i don't know if it's cuz of age, cuz my brain doesn't work quite the same way, or what might be at the root of it, but new symptoms pop up that i have to now cope with - such as i'm finding that if i have something personal to tell or something distressing, i can't find the words i want.  so frustrating.  anyway, i appreciate your insights a lot. 

thank you, DF, for checking in and validating me in my struggles.  i really appreciate it. 

just feeling dragged out today.  this stuff takes a lot out of me, i guess. the colors of the trees right now are so beautiful. i'm kind of amazed at how detached i've been from myself.  so unaware.  this awareness that i keep piling on takes its toll, tho.  like a big hand that covers my face and pushes me down and i can picture my arms and legs thrashing around under it.

DF, i hope it goes well and you get what you want/need from this retreat.  see you when you get back!  love and hugs

thank you so much DF, and NK - your posts were so thoughtful and kind and i truly appreciated hearing your thoughts on this.  i've done this kind of thing so often in life, trying to foresee a conversation or incident, like rehearsing for it or something, and honestly, it has rarely gone the way i imagined.  so i appreciate you seeing my contemplation about it as something pos.  that helped a lot.  thank you both again.     

i talked to my D about this upcoming doc visit, told her i would write a list of things i want to bring up and asked her if she saw the gray lady appear would she take the list and cover the stuff on it for me, and she agreed.  so, that's good.

i'm trying to think about what kinds of people or situations the gray lady shows up for, and it's definitely w/ aggressive people i have to get information from or get care from, but honestly, that hasn't always been the case.  she's also shown up with neutral people, or people who weren't even in the same room as me, so i don't really know why, what her criteria are.  she showed up on the first appt. i had w/ my last T.  i think that was a holdover from the T i had before that, who i fired cuz she was so clueless and once sent me into an EF (and when i told her about it, she dismissed it as a 'miscommunication'.)

my last T, who i was w/ for 5 yrs. until i moved, told me she remembered meeting the gray lady, said she'd never seen anyone so emotionally flat.  and that's kind of what it feels like to be overtaken by her - as if all the air in me has been let out, and i'm just kind of a sitting-up deflated balloon.  this has really gotten into my head.  so, there's been no clear-cut type of person who triggers the gray lady to come out and take over.  authority types maybe?  maybe it's not important.

but what has seemed important is the realization of how very traumatized i've been that this phenomenon happens at all.  that's not 'normal'.  i'm much more mentally ill than i even know.  maybe mentally ill isn't the correct term.  maybe mentally/emotionally wounded/traumatized.  dang, i just didn't realize . . .

bach, i just went thru a realization similar to yours about 'that was abuse, that was wrong' because most of mine was of the mental/emotional variety, and it never seemed to be 'as bad' as what some others have gone thru.  my truth came to me when i allowed myself to understand that i wouldn't be having the problems w/ living life today if it hadn't been that bad over the years.  it was abuse, it was wrong, all of it.

as far as continuing to 'bang' on something, i think it's important to do so for as long as we deem it important.  maybe we need to hear it over and over for ourselves till we're finally done with it.  i don't know for sure, but i know i've done the same at times w/ certain incidents.  keep 'banging' away till it's all banged out, to my mind.  love and hugs

sounds like a very good space for you, DF.  and i'm glad for you that you are able to, at least at times, not feel guilty about missing her.  i don't think we're obligated to miss anyone.  love and hugs

  blueberry, i just want to wrap you up in the gentlest, softest, warmest blanket, just enfold you with care and comfort.  love and hugs

 

thanks, chart.  good to hear from you.  you brought a smile to my face - it's there right now! 

PC, thank you so much.  you just inspired me to keep it up, which i have.  i wrote a couple more times, not just to complain, but also to thank them for pos. stuff they've done.  don't know if they read any of this e-mail correspondence, but i know i put it out there, so it counts to me.

the weather has cooled down to the point where i have felt better about being in my bed, cuddled up and sleeping a little better.  that's helped me feel better as well.  plus, a few times i've been able to simply go back to bed, sometimes even fall back to sleep.  still using meds, and i know they're helping a lot, but not as much as i used to, so i'm not sure of the quality of my sleep.

doc appt. in a couple weeks, and i'm already worrying about how that's going to go.  meds?  will i be able to get what i need?  will i be able to stay present or will my alternate personality - the gray lady - be there in my stead?  (my D is going to be w/ me, so she'll be able to help if that does happen).  i'm quite anxious over it, and that's beginning to ramp up, even while i attempt to keep it from overwhelming me.  i do want to be upfront w/ her about my treatment by docs in the past, put it out there at the beginning, and talk about my anxiety about that.

i also want to use that dreaded word 'psychosomatic' problems, let her know that they're a very big part of what i go thru.  dang, i'm getting emotional, scared, just writing about that.  the old 'it's all in your mind' bugaboo came out and is hovering, but the fact is, it's very real, at least for me.  having to absorb and endure whatever's come down the pike during my life has taken a huge toll on my body, causes things like inflammation, stress flu, skin problems - all that energy from emotions/feelings i haven't been aware of, let alone express, had to go somewhere and do something, so it went to various parts of my body and wreaked havoc.  so far, tho, i think my major inner organs are intact.  we'll see.

ok, that was a lot.

hope, it's so wonderful to see the changes you've made!  you seem to feel much safer here than when you first arrived, and i'm very glad for you. that safety feeling does not come easily, in my experience, but it's so important at the same time.  i've been able to feel that w/ my D, but i know it's taken years of being with her to be able to trust it.  still, it feels good. 

i've found resistance to reading or watching certain things.  since i really haven't gotten into a lot of parts work, i never attributed it to that, but it makes sense.  thanks for sharing that.  keep up the good work!  love and hugs