Messages

thanks for the hug, chart.  back atcha! 

bad episode last nite about lack of comfort and the pain surrounding that, way back to when i was very young, which lends credence to the idea that chart mentioned, which is that some of this stuff is pre-verbal.  if i wasn't able to ask my M a question, get some comfort from her when i was 4 or 5, that idea must have come from somewhere way before that age.  ugh, some of this is really feeling ugly.

very sorry you're so sick, SO.  hope you feel much better soon.

yeah, the energy thing.  pretty cool that you can feel such a calming when you listen to such things.  for me, it somehow agitates rather than soothes me.  so it is.  why we're all different, right?

enjoy the garden, and hope your session goes well, too.  love and hugs

still reeling in pain so i want to pick a pear and eat it w/ some muenster cheese while i sit in a rocking chair near the fire and just wait till the pain goes away.  thanks for the cookies - i'll have one of those as well.  what kind are they?  just curious. or i can make them be choco chip w/ nuts just cuz i love those. i'm babbling, really brain dead right now.

interesting, SO, about the vitamins.  some people can tolerate some things, others can't at all.  we're marvelous as being different.  i'll let her know.  thank you for the info. 

thanks for your support, chart. 

thank you, NK - you made me smile!

the phone consult didn't go cuz it turned out she was in a different state.  the other T i contacted doesn't take insurance/medicare so that was also done before it began.  i emailed 2 other T's, in state, who, if i read it right, do take medicare, so we'll see what happens.  fingers crossed!  it's helpful now that a lot of them do zoom calls/televisists or whatever it's called.  hopefully, someone will check in with me.

hey, SO, so glad you got a road trip under your belt at one point - those are my thing, or were, before the anxiety took over.  but i'll never forget. and i'm sure you won't either.

i listened to part of this 'canto', but couldn't get all the way through.  i noticed the people lying on the floor, and her first notes reminded me of those 'singing' bowls people use to adjust their chakras or something.  unfortunately, they do not resonate w/ my energy at all.  and his repetitiveness also went against my grain, so i had to stop.  i'm sure this is a wonderful piece for a lot of people, and thanks for placing it here.  it reaffirmed my problems w/ these kinds of energy works.  can't do tai chi, or others like that, either. 

good for you for lining up connections for yourself.  i'm smiling for you right now.  well done!  love and hugs

dear chart, i just want you to know that to this day, and i've been part of this forum for at least 10 yrs., i still doubt my posts, especially to others, that i've gone over the line, i'm being intrusive rather than supportive, giving 'advice' or 'therapy' when i'm not supposed to - yep, still working on knowing i'm writing from the heart and only want the best for anyone and everyone here.

i know i've made mistakes, and have had mistakes made against me, but there have only been less than a handful of people who truly have gone too far, and they were dealt with appropriately by kizzie.  you have not even been close.  your support and kindness and caring have shone thru clearly, and i've welcomed every word from you.  if there's been a misunderstanding in communication, we clear it up.  you have been a wonderful member of this forum to my mind.

good for you for having that 51% goal.  it sounds good.  great, actually.  i'm in your corner all the way.  you're valuable to me.  love and hugs

thank you so much, DF, SO, chart, and TBB for your well wishes and your hugs.  they meant so much to me when i came here and saw them.  honestly, what a wonderful bunch of people.            

i think it went as well as possible for my D yesterday.  the woman who did the assessment seemed to get all the right notes out of my D's story and tears.  in the car afterwards, my D told me what went on, what each of them said, then asked me if i thought she could've said anything else - she had time to make additions by phone cuz the assessor wasn't going to turn her report in till today - and i was crying by that time, told her she couldn't have done better.  previously, i'd always had some little extra thing i thought should be included, but dang, i think she nailed it.

next she gets x-rays of her hands cuz her fingers still tingle and no one's ever been able to find the cause, but they are partially numb so even a cleaning job is out of the question cuz she can't exactly 'feel' things, hold things properly w/o extra exertion, etc.  that's later this week.  and she has one more of these things, i can't remember, to go thru, but she should know by march.  pins and noodles until then.

and i have a phone consultation w/ a T this morning, and i'm really nervous.

finally feeling better, but it was an awful several weeks.  today i go w/ my D to her mental health portion of the 'testing' for her disability claim.  we'll see how that goes, but the anxiety is already ramping up.  always frickin' something!

PC, interesting post about forgiveness.  that religious bit, that we are born sinners and need to be forgiven for simply existing had never rung true for me - i was quite heavily involved in my church for years before i rejected it all.  i'd heard for years about how people felt the presence of 'god' in church, how it brought them such peace of mind,    and the truth is that i never once felt a sense of spirituality from being involved in church, but it hit me like a ton of bricks at my first AA meeting!  that's what i had been missing.  from that time on, my spirituality was of my own invention, and it suits me.  but what a revelation it was!

i had a discussion w/ a pastor's wife once about forgiveness.  she was of the notion that we cannot move on in our healing unless we forgive those who harmed us.  i've heard that sentiment from many others, including therapists.  i told her i didn't agree because even Jesus, on the cross, said 'Father, forgive them for they know not what they do'.  i pointed out to her that he didn't say 'i forgive you for what you've done', but gave that power of forgiveness over to someone/something he deemed had the power to do that. 

once i said it, it cleared up the entire 'forgiveness' burden for me.  i don't have to forgive anyone, least of all myself, cuz there is a 'higher power' who can take on that job.  i've lived much more peacefully inside myself after that.

and one other thing you wrote that caught my eye was the idea that we, ourselves, are the most difficult to forgive.  i'd like to add that i believe we are also the most important ones to forgive, or, as i wrote above, to turn over that urgency to forgive to something beyond ourselves to take care of for us.  as babies, naturally, we had no judgment on ourselves, no matter what we did or didn't do.  it was all the teaching of the unnatural laid upon us that, to my mind, caused our unrest within ourselves.  i hope you can find your way through this to the other side.  i don't see you as needing forgiveness.  you may have made mistakes - we all do - but such harsh judgment just doesn't belong on our shoulders, as far as i can see.  sending love and hugs

SO, quite a journey!  i actually thought of the idea of tone of voice as you did your recordings, as compared to writing down your thoughts.  i can imagine it would make a big difference.  my solo trips off the grid were my road trips.  at the time, i had no phone, no computerized car, was completely off the grid and on my own for however long - a weekend, a week, depending on where i was going.  but the feeling of freedom was paramount for me.  unlike you, i did not feel lonely, but that may have been because i think i was escaping home life and its problems at the time.  still, those were my favorite times during that period of my life.

i do hope you are able to make some real life connections going forward.  it sounds like you're ready.  glad you're back and well.  love and hugs

beautiful, indeed, DF.  so glad for you.  i love those kinds of shifts!  love and hugs

DF, what a lot to realize!  i also can relate, altho i've never broken everything down to 'parts' like you have.  i've just known that i couldn't take the time or energy to have or release emotions because there was always some kind of crisis that 'had to be taken care of', so i'm thinking it was my 'take care of everything' part who was in charge all the time.  this makes perfect sense to me.  it also feels right.

and, it's got me thinking now.  i don't know if i'm ready to look at 'parts' yet, but i think i'm acknowledging that they are there, thanks to you.  i think this was a courageous post, and i appreciate your candidness so much.

w/ my former T, i did therapy 2x/week for 5 yrs., and it was a blessing.  i'm so glad you're going to get the help you deserve.  good for you for reaching out to the GP.  well done.

the incident about your D made sense to me as well.  i think trauma regurgitates itself in such instances.

and i agree w/ armee - we have been traumatically wounded, (i remember that in my better moments) which is different than being mentally ill.  it sounds like you will be getting the help you need to begin healing.  love and a big, gentle, caring hug

thank you everyone for everything - the well wishes, sitting w/ me, big hugs - all of it.  doc today, so we'll see.

thank you, DF, for your care and validation.  yes, exactly     it makes me wonder how much more i can take. 

it's been a helluva week, and i'm still recovering. visualizing the top of my head having to come off in order to let out the brick of whatever was in there really struck me this morning.  this is not a life.  my galpal asked me how often i felt ok, i told her about 25% of the time, and she was kinda flabbergasted.  i asked my last T if she'd ever heard me say i felt great, she admitted she hadn't, which was 5 yrs.  worth of work.  i am just hanging on, trying to save my sanity.  that's all i can do anymore.

thank you for the hugs and care, DF and NK.  so appreciated.     

the short of it is that i've stopped the zoloft, am seeing the doc fri.  it was making my brain crazy, wanting to hurt myself, brain rush that couldn't be controlled, even w/ some EMDR interventions.  they helped, but the agitation continued thru my hands and the anxiety was overwhelming.  several times i resorted to xanax (a big no-no according to my doc) which helped calm my mind, stopped the agitation.  i stopped the zoloft now.  the only reason i tried it was cuz the doc kept telling me to have an open mind.

you know, i know what works for me, what doesn't.  to have to go thru this crapola just to make a point is crazy to me.  i've been around this theater for ages, have run thru my lines every which way possible, and went thru another awful experience just to show someone i know what i'm talking about,  ugh and a half!!!

and then trying to find a therapist.  another nightmare where i end up distraught and antagonized cuz someone either isn't explaining, or just flat out lying.  they tried to tell me that everyone in their network could take care of everything.  when i asked about dissociation, they assured me, yep, their therapists could take care of that,
i know trauma and trauma treatment, know about dissociation and DID cuz i experience them, know about my alexithymia and how that affects me. you cannot tell me that everyone in your system can treat all that.

after the second person told me the same thing, i ended up collecting myself and calling back to file a complaint,  this person told me they have intake persons who i would see first.  well, no one else told me that,  i got all fishimmeled, breaking emotionally, she said she'd put in my complaint and would have someone call me for a follow-up to fix the problem.  and they wanted me to wait until the end of july of next year to see someone!!!

it was all too much.  i'm gonna look for my own T in the meantime.  seems they all do zoom calls now, so at least i won't have to travel.  what a freakin' mess!