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well, more bad news on the neighbor front this morning.  my D went to retrieve a package sent by a friend w/ a homemade bracelet inside in honor of my D's b-day, and she found it ripped open and empty.  what a horrible way to start the day!  i'm beside myself, too many emotions i'm sure are running around inside but the only one that pops out is disbelief.  *!

9 more to go.

thank you, armee, for your support.  i know i seem really old to those who have grown up w/ all this technology, but i don't believe some of the old school stuff was all bad.  i think a lot of skills, like conversation, math (i remember many years ago when cash registers started doing the calculations for making change, and the cashiers lost the ability to subtract or figure out how to make change on their own anymore), focus, patience, face-to-face interactions - they just don't have practice w/ it anymore!  at any rate, yeah, being forced to accept a different way does not sit well w/ me. besides, this stuff is scary.

had an interaction w/ a woman of color who lives in our building the other day.  in the past month, the police have been called twice, once about a complaint from a neighbor about her making noise, and a few days ago about her son, some friends of his, and i heard the word 'gun' used, and 'firearm', and one of the friends was taken away in handcuffs.  the next day my D and i saw that same kid talking w/ the son and them driving away together. 

yesterday, the son was tapping on our windows, both in my D's room, and in the living room (sliding glass doors), then began buzzing apts. trying to get someone to let him in. (this happens several times a month)  my D was freaked out by someone rapping on the door to her room, and then went to the intercom, told the kid to stop.  he retaliated by buzzing over and over again - and our buzzer is obnoxiously loud! so when i saw the mom walking the dog, i approached her about it - i'd rather tell her than get her in trouble w/ the landlord.  told her what her son had done, she just told me i didn't have to worry about it for long, cuz they were moving, too much racism, her son has a scholarship, and he must feel comfortable rapping on our doors cuz he's forgetful about his keys, but that she'd talk to him.

i felt really bad for her, told her i did, offered her a hug, which she declined, and came away from the whole thing feeling awful. when i told my D about it, she got mad the woman talked to me like that, said the whole 'he feels comfortable' thing is cuz our doors are next to the building entrance, and we didn't yell at him the few times he did it before.  i don't know, interactions w/ people that don't go smoothly, especially w/ strangers, just upsets me all over the place, but my D kept trying to reassure me that i didn't do anything wrong, she also felt bad about the racism thing, but that we'd already talked to her about this and it didn't stop.

ugh!  i can't really speak to racism, but i know it's terrible and my heart goes out to anyone dealing w/ that.  i was also trying to do what i thought was the right thing by not talking to the managers about this, cuz i knew she was fighting to stay in her apt. and i didn't want to cause more trouble for her.  it just left a bad feeling w/ me.  very upsetting. took me nearly the entire day to not want to reach for meds cuz it shook me to the core. 

10 to go.

still struggling w/ sleep.  maybe had a ding! last nite not to worry about it, let it come or not.  i rarely have to be anywhere at a certain time early in the morning, so i can usually sleep until i can't anymore.  dang, this thing has gotten hold of me for so long.  i feel like a broken record about it.  plus, i do love to read beforehand, and i changed my thought from 'i'll read myself to sleep' with an urgency behind it, to 'i like the book i'm reading, i want to read more, so i'm just gonna read in bed, period, see what happens.  that felt kinda good.

and last nite, just before i was ready to do my routine before going to bed, my phone kept pinging, texts giving me codes to use for my paypal account.(my D helped me with that, changed my password)  you know, i'm still not comfortable w/ having all my info online - my generation was taught NEVER! to put acct. numbers, soc. sec. numbers, etc. online, yet now it's done all the time w/ supposedly 'secure'  sites that i read are getting hacked left and right.  i don't have much money in any acct., but it's vital to us, so the idea that someone was possibly trying to hack into mine felt devastating, filled me w/ anxiety, and that took another several hours to calm down from.  honestly, i'm not a fan of this technology for all my business stuff, and don't even get me started on AI!

well done, droopsnoot!  keep up the good work!

my eldest daughter was doing SH for a while, and one particular scar was a few inches below her neck, on her chest.  she eventually got a tattoo to cover it.  i've seen others use tattoos for scars as well, and i also considered one to cover a surgical scar.  don't know if you're into them or not, but it's one way i've seen people deal with that particular aftermath.   

CF, i find that sort of thing, not being listened to, also to be triggering, and then when the results come out flawed, well, it puts the topper on it, doesn't it!  it can just ruin the entire experience!  hopefully, if you go there again, it won't be repeated.  love and hugs

hi, NK, seems like it's been a while. 

sounds like you are doing quite well both with your art and your recovery.  the idea of being able to talk things over w/ your T after the fact sounds like a wonderful step forward, and i'm glad your T brought it up.  i remember it happening similarly with me at times, but it took a while for me to feel ready to move to the next step of not seeing my T so often.  (actually, i never really got there cuz i suddenly had to move!). i'm glad you're going at your own pace.  and i agree, our littles often continue to rule the roost, but even being able to recognize that seems like a big step forward.

keep up the good work, and sounds like your art is really moving along.  i'm very happy for you!  love and hugs

back again, to my cabin on a lake in the woods adjacent to the healing porch.  gonna fish - they magically clean themselves and jump into the oven along w/ a pasta salad.  yeah, i can live on that for a while.  and i brought cookies and lemonade for sitting in the rocker on the porch if anyone cares to join me.  fire on the beach in the evening, s'mores, sweet treats that have no calories nor ill effects on our bodies.  i love it here,  deep breath, thank you wife2.

i hear you, bach, on the whole 'i never wanted to be a victim' thing, never went thru life as if i was one, but i agree, it doesn't mean i wasn't.  you're exactly right, you were a kid, hadn't been prepared to venture forth, to live an 'adult's' life, which was your parents' responsibility. it takes so much out of us to be sent into the world unprepared, no matter in what category.  it just sucks.  love and hugs

  honestly, CF, there is a number of great news things in your posts.  well done!  you've worked so hard and the results show that. 

i agree w/ you on all the voting stuff.  not right, not fair to everyone, and basically bull pucky.

keep doing what you're doing, ok?  and enjoy that birthday treat!  i'd love to know what it is! (if you care to share) love and hugs

it does make sense, SO.  the idea of sticking with it for several weeks also makes sense.  i've done the breathing a few times, have been getting stuck on being anxious about whether i'm doing it right, stomach out instead of chest, and i get frustrated and stop.  i can mentally understand what needs to be done and why, but i've been having difficulty feeling relaxed about it.  sounds like this needs practice, and to just go with it for a while.  thank you for your extended explanation.  it really helped.  (I have to admit that when i first read 'my focus is on edibles' i thought you were raising pot!)

as for your garden - o my!  what a variety!  it all sounds delicious, nutritious, and the entire thing just sounds wonderful!  so very glad for you!  when i lived in our house as a family, and had my garden, i felt very good about giving my family healthy food for at least 3 months out of the year.  no chemicals.  i don't know if they appreciated it as much as i did, but i knew and felt great about it.

keep it up.  it all sounds great.  love and hugs

you're right about that, DF.  thanks for the support.

so, last nite, i consciously was able to realize for myself this tendency i've been having to tighten up when i lay down to sleep.  i feel relaxed, playing my before-bed computer games, then look forward to reading a book by an author i enjoy, but almost as soon as i lay down, my chest tightens, my heart pounds, i feel very uncomfortable, anxious as to what in the world is going on with me!  then the run to the john to pee began as well.  so, i decided to get up, play more games, write on my book, pee when i needed, and it eventually stopped, i began falling asleep in front of the computer, which i hadn't done for a long time, and toddled myself into bed around 2.  slept until nearly 8.  and it was restful. 

now, i did take a med, but it didn't seem to help so i'm going to try w/o any tonite.  we'll see.  this has certainly become a battle royale for me, but i do feel like i accepted it more last nite, and that did result in 6 hrs. of good sleep.  we'll see.  throw it at the wall, see if it sticks.

well, SO, what, perchance, do you intend to grow?  flowers? veggies?  others?  i'm excited for you, especially that you have your spirit back to do this. 

and thanks, DF, for the description.  i'm gonna use it as well, i think.  so glad you both know about this stuff.  i guess i'm finally at a place where i can hear it and maybe give it a go.  i hope it helps you, SO.  i'm a very big fan of try everything cuz maybe something will stick.  love and hugs

thanks, DF.  i most certainly enjoyed it! 

thank you, WS, for that kind wish.  i hope so, too.

thank you, blueberry.  me, too.

well, yeah, not 2 nites in a row, but i was able to go back to sleep this morning, so that helped.  i think if i just realize my sleep is what it is, i might be better off.  i think i've been trying to push at it frantically, and the frantic gets in the way of any kind of acceptance.  it's not like i have to punch a time clock or anything, i could lay in bed all day if i wanted to, so to speak (in reality, laying too much hurts my back after a while).  the point is, i've been pushing too hard instead of accepting.  i used to accept it, had a routine where i slept 4-5 hrs./nite, then napped for 2 hrs. during the day, and i was able to function pretty well.

i think what started getting in the way of this was a shrink i had in mex. who kind of berated me for having that sleep pattern, told me i needed to tend to my 'sleep hygiene', and i think that phrase started getting into my brain.  i'll see if i can't just let me be and get out of my own way.

oooops!  big chuckle - i re-read what i wrote, and i put the word 'insolent' instead of 'indolent'!  well, i've never thought of you as either, so there we are.  just glad those abusers are basically out of your life now, and i hope that ICr goes away ASAP!  hope you're up and about soon.  love and hugs

you know, it's your journal, bach.  we don't have to understand every little thing.  if it makes sense to you, and it helps to put it here, get it out of you, i think that's what's important.  this journal is for you primarily.  i know that when i write, no matter if it makes sense to others or not, it can sometimes help me see what i'm saying, give me a different perspective that doesn't necessarily make sense for anyone else.  you're number one, here.  it's ok to do what's best for you.  love and hugs