the next step

[NarcKiddo]

That sounds lovely! I'm happy for you.

[HannahOne]

Thrilled to read that you have a T for now! 

[Desert Flower]

I'm really glad you found a safe and kind therapist, that is great! It's worth a lot imo. 

 

[SenseOrgan]

Congratulations San! I'm really happy for you that you found a match. And that you could let in the kindness. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the cheers, TBB.  i do believe she's just what i need right now.

chart, i so appreciate the love and support.  it's a struggle to find a good fit w/ a T, for sure, but all the validation i'm getting here is helping me know i made the right choice in tossing the others.  thank you so for being with me. 

armee, it does, doesn't it!  thank you for checking in on me. 

thank you, NK.  i'm happy for me, too, and looking forward to how this is going to play out.

hannah1, thanks for sharing that happiness w/ me.  i love it!

DF, i agree - it's worth it all, as far as i can see.  thank you for being here with me.

Thank you for your support, SO.  i'm glad i could, too, altho it was a very violent reaction.  those expectations/walls die hard.

after reading everyone's responses here, so much kindness and love and support, i'm weepy from the enormity of it.  i'm working at taking it in, but at the same time it's difficult cuz my first reaction is to reject it, hold it at bay, it's too much, too heavy, too weird, too unfamiliar.  and that's where all this stems from, isn't it.  familiar = family.  didn't get it there, don't know how to take it in, don't know what to do with it, uncomfortable w/ how it feels, reject the strangeness of it. or explode thru it. am unable to regulate it.

and all the information i read this morning about baby brains and how they respond to neglect was profound.  and it hit home, hard.  again, it seems the more i get into recovery, the more painful it is.  these realizations tear at me, shred my heart.  and, o, here's a thought, my baby me, thinking about how i had to react - i just shied away from naming her a a 'part' - my baby me, thinking about how she had to react to being ignored (don't pick babies up every time they cry or you'll spoil them - i grew up in that kind of mentality, along w/ 'children should be seen and not heard', so ignored there, too)  and my heart absolutely aches for her, and i'm crying right now to think of that poor baby lying in her crib or playpen, out of the way so mom could clean and re-clean her already spotless house.

i'm so heartbroken right now, i have to leave and just cry it out.

[Hope67]

Sending you a supportive and gentle hug SanMagic

[Desert Flower]

Sending you a big hug too San as you cry out what you need to. I'm sorry it's so hard to realise what we missed. And it is part of healing to do so. I'm really proud of you.

 

[Chart]

San, when all this starts coming up, it hurts. I'm literally crying with you. The infant is just a spark of light and joy reaching out with its heart and eyes and soul. How can they not be loved? It's incomprehensible to me too.

And now we know what we missed. It hurts, it hurts in a deep down way that got stuffed for decades. But now it's out, like a second birth. This time we are giving birth to ourselves. This time it's double-the-pain, as we are both mother AND child. It's crazy. This life is such a roller coaster. I'd never in a million years have guessed where I'd be now.

But for all the pain, I wouldn't change a thing. I'm glad I found this pain. This pain is the little Chart. I found him... finally. And we're gonna take care of our little infant selves now. They're gonna get the Love they deserve. It's never too late.

[TheBigBlue]

San, I am also sending you supportive hugs. 

[HannahOne]

SanMagic7, may they be healing tears. By you witnessing the baby's pain, healing can happen retroactively. The baby is still inside us and can receive our love, compassion, and care even now. I know that to be true. I'm so sorry for the neglect you experienced and all you did not receive when you needed it. Babies should be carried, held, cuddled, and responded to. It's not hard to strap the baby to your back while you clean so it can feel your heartbeat and be held close and safe and I can't imagine continuing to sweep when the baby was crying. I'm so sorry you experienced such neglect.

It's not that hard to say hooray!, to celebrate with someone, to share a supportive hug emoji or acknowledge sadness, or reflect back how you are feeling.... it's simple, what people here are trying to give you and simple what we all need as humans. It feels strange to receive, and, it's your birthright to receive simple validation. 

[sanmagic7]

armee, DF, hope, chart, TBB, hannah1 - thank you all for your incredible support as i'm working my way thru all this.  the idea of pain, how these realizations are so painful, my tears are so painful - maybe they're holding the pain?  i'm so sad - just realized this now, so sad for me, for what i've been thru.  maybe crying, expressing my sadness and pain was ignored as a baby, and i learned not to show those.  i broke that rule once when i was in jr. high, and the results were disastrous to me.

so, as i'm working at de-tangling this mess of not feeling for most of my life, if this is the pain chart's talking about, o my heart!  i don't know what to do with it.  it's like those explosions of tears are me upchucking pain and grief.   i think what armee said about asking for 'a little at a time' from parts is wise, but i just looked inside, thinking about talking to the baby, and she firmly ignored me, turned her head away.  so, i'll keep exploding i guess.

i thought my recent meltdown was all about gratitude - i've had them so many times in my life - but i think it's more the idea that i can't take the kindness in cuz, here's a thought, maybe i perceive it as something scary, hurtful, something neg. i do think it hurts.  it does hurt.  it's like i'm being punctured by something, and i don't know how to deal w/ it.  so the tears come.  i remember how much i wanted to please my dad, and any time i disappointed him, and he wanted to have a talk w/ me, i'd start crying, and he'd kind of throw up his hands in disgust and say something about every time he wanted to talk to me, i turned on the waterworks, and then it was like he was fed up with me and left, and i was alone w/ my distress and accompanying tears. 

i don't know.  i'm trying not to lose my mind over this, but i do not know how to figure it out.  at least on mon. i have a T i can talk to about it.  i'm exhausted.