FINDING MY FEELINGS

[Moondance]

I have to learn, stop being so reactive.

[sanmagic7]

moondance, i think you're writing is fine.  i could understand you and relate to a lot of it, especially about being able to better care for oneself in a situation.

i think the reactivity part will come w/ time, understanding, and practice.  please don't be hard on yourself about this.  you've got trauma brain and it is reactive, what you've been thru has caused the reactivity, it's what you learned to do to protect yourself.  as time and healing pass, the reactivity will lessen, of that i have no doubt.  love and hugs

[Moondance]

😢

thank you San - I needed that and really appreciate it.

I'm in Peter Walker's book and reading Chapter 16 about the suggested intentions for recovery, the human bill of rights (guidelines for fairness and intimacy), suggested internal responses to common critic attacks,  tools for loving resolving conflict, self-gratitudes and gratitudes for others and finally 13 steps for managing flashbacks.

I often, more often than not make a choice to zone out, whether consciously or not, by watching tv and playing a game on the phone.

Nothing will change if I continue to do this.  A vicious mary-go-round and I want to get off of it.



 
 

[Moondance]

Just read this and it makes so much sense to me. 

Your brain on stress can't listen.
It builds walls that prevent you from building the connections you crave.
It prevents you from seeing what's right in front of you.

Creating safe and nourishing connections with other people is a skill that includes your capacity to listen and stay with yourself. Safety is not something you find out there, like a hidden treasure chest. It is something you cultivate by the quality of your presence and the clarity of your intention.

Your daily inner sense of feeling solid and capable is the groundwork for trust.

So yeah, trauma brain is (as mentioned before) what is happening.

On a whole other topic that makes ne feel a bit better I've been a little something everyday, whether organizing, cleaning, washing, etc etc.  The goal is to move more.

[Moondance]

My appointment with T was good this morning. 

I feel more regulated as a result of it and realize that with the last 2 incidences I was experiencing dysregulation. I'm still not really great at identifying dysregulation.

Before my appointment with T I was thinking gosh we have to find some way to deal with this dysregulation (I was calling it reactive but T used dysregulation)because it is just awful to be in it and the process of recovering from it. And it affects other people in a negative way which I really don't like doing. 

So 10 minutes in to session T suggests learning, practicing soothing my child parts when I am feeling dysregulated.  I like it went that happens.    Easier said than done though but that is most likely why she said practicing.  I will be practicing.  I often freeze in the moment but as T mentioned, I can practice soothing my younger parts after a trigger or EF. Perhaps that will eventually get me to be present in the moment and look after myself better. One step at a time.

I mentioned to T the 2 main  dysregulating incidents over the past few weeks.   T pointed out to me that I was able to ask J for support and I received it which is really good.  And actually in both situations J was supportive which is great - it's stepping stones for building trust and learning to be vulnerable in relationship. 

Whether I'm able to do it or not I don't know yet but I want to be stronger, healthier for A.  I feel I owe it to him.  I just don't know if I can do it - we will see I guess.  As I wrote that I thought I should want to do this for me, shouldn't I?  I'm not there yet so wanting to get better for someone else will hopefully get me to a point where I want to for myself.


I do feel shame and embarrassment for some of my posts.  I say that to acknowledge how I'm feeling but I am in the process of getting more comfortable with accepting that there are more than 1 part of me expressing myself - as per Peter Walker's "intentions for recovery" - I want to develop a more constantly loving and accepting relationship with myself. 


Yesterday I ironed the living room curtain valance and put it back up.

Today I will iron the kitchen and dining room valances and put them back up.  I took them down 2 years ago (or more, not sure) and did not get around to putting them back up until today.  It feels good to get something done.




 



 

[Blueberry]

On a whole other topic that makes ne feel a bit better I've been a little something everyday, whether organizing, cleaning, washing, etc etc.  The goal is to move more.

    also on the specifics of valance cleaning in your next post.
I resonate a whole lot with this!

[Moondance]

  Hi Blueberry - 

And I do so resonate in regards to your reference to the "rule pusher".  I can't recall now if that's the exact word you used in your post but yeah true for me as well.


Rule enforcer  - much better than rule pusher. 🙃




 

[Armee]

Yay for your T and yay for a practicing mentality!

And holy moly itnwould never in a million years even occur to me to iron a window covering. Wow. Kudos to you!

[Moondance]

***POSSIBLE TRIGGERS - CSA, NEGLECT, ABANDONMEMT, RELIGIOUS ABUSE ****





One of the things that came from the session with T today is that growing up in a toxic environment pretty much set me up for the CSA, the bullying, the domestic violence, etc, etc.

I was not allowed to express any feeling other than positive feelings.  I was sent to my room to 'think' about things and not allowed to come out until I was feeling better - which was happy, grateful for the air I breathed I guess.

The thing about that is that I think a lot of parents do that - send children to their room to reflect and/or disallow a behaviour. The more I think of it I don't think that was really the whole problem - the problem lies in that I was not ever taught how to deal with the negative feelings such as anger, for example. Ideally it would have been very useful for me how to process these feelings for myself, instead i learned to stuff them which has been hugely detrimental to me.  Nor did I learn how to deal with conflict. Nor was I allowed to have my own opinion, nor was I allowed to speak up for myself.  I simply never learnt these tools.  I did learn though that adults are to be listened to and that I was to do as I was told or else.  There was a palpitable anger coming from my M. That is how she controlled us.  If looks could kill comes to mind.  My M was brutally physically and mentally abused by her M. No doubt some of the anger came from that.  We never knew when she would loose it.

I was 12 when the priest made advances.  Prior to the advances he was councelling me.  I was having difficulties at home - parents were getting divorced.  I've blocked a lot of it out but I recall confiding in him, crying, being vulnerable.  I recall him coming over to visit me at my father's place after the separation.  I was alone at home, I was ill, I was in bed.  I don't recall anything after that.  I have a sense that something happened. I do recall not being able to speak up, not being able to say no.  I don't recall when it ended or stopped.  I do know that 20 years ago this priest was accused, was jailed and stripped of his credentials.  A wonderful woman started a website (canadian) and it lists the priests names, the accusations, whether they were charged, etc.  The victims that choose to be listed are there as well. Anyway I found this site and information on this site to be extremely satisfying although very sad for the victims and the many victims there are and the pain and changed lives at the hands of these priests.

Anyway I got carried away with that.

The next CSA experience I was 13. I wasn't 100% certain it was CSA but since I have been on this forum and learned more about CSA and its definition this does in fact fall under CSA definition.

He was 19 I was 13. He was a co-sponsor for an Alateen group I was attending.  He was methodically de-flowering (not sure how else to say it) all of the young girls in this group.  His family was friends with my parents. His mom was my mom's sponsor. He also used to have "charismatic" meetings at his parents house.  I don't recall any other guys at these meetings., only young girls, woman from the ages of 12 to 18.    I did not have an understanding at the time of what he was doing.  Long and short of it well thinking about it makes me feel ill to my stomach.  ** added from initial post*** He would have the meetings, I recall being in a circle, everyone was holding hands, chanting prayer in tongues, I pretended to pray in tongues to feel a part of.  After the meeting is when it happened the first time.  There were many times after.

I'm getting weary, feel ill now but I would like to finish my post as best I can.

When I was 15 I was raped at gunpoint.  When I spoke with T this morning this incident is what came to my mind when we were talking about freezing, dissociating. Probably in this situation it saved my life.  At a much deeper level though, at a trauma brain level I learnt freezing and dissociation over and over again.

I feel I learnt at a young age to not speak up for myself, to not say no, to not be able to look after myself, to not feel or allow myself to feel what I really feel.  I didn't always see it this way but I was sexualized, feels like continually, from a very yound age.  Its buried deep.

I'm connecting some of the dots.

I previously have written about these incidents and others but was not ready at the time for it to be out there so I deleted my post.  I will not be deleting this post unless asked to of course.

[NarcKiddo]

That is so tough to have experienced, Moondance. You are probably right that the instinct to freeze during the episode when you were 15 was absolutely the right one. But, as you say, it was yet another instance cementing the freezing and dissociating and contributing to trauma brain. That incident alone would be traumatic for anyone, but when added to what had gone before it is just unspeakably awful.

I have had a similar experience of never being taught how to manage my emotions or conflict. It sets you up for lifelong difficulties. Trying to learn these things as an adult is just SO much harder. Everyone knows small kids act out but adults are expected to know this stuff already.

I must say I am very impressed by your valance activities. It is good to get things done and something like a valance is a very obvious sign of a finished job that you can be proud of every time you walk into the room.

[Moondance]

Hi NarcKiddo,

I have had a similar experience of never being taught how to manage my emotions or conflict. It sets you up for lifelong difficulties. Trying to learn these things as an adult is just SO much harder. Everyone knows small kids act out but adults are expected to know this stuff already.

Yes, lifelong difficulties for sure.  I feel angry about it because its caused so much pain in my life, put me in harms way countless times.  I'm sure the same for you and many of us, if not all and I'm so sorry for all of us about that. I may have expressed this here before but I strongly feel that my parents should not have been procreating. 

If I am understanding correctly, your response SO much harder implies it can be done. 

 Perhaps now that I have a trauma informed T it will be possible.  Thanks for the glimmer of hope 🙂.

It is a really good feeling to get some stuff done for sure. The valances above the curtains look good, a finished look.  Today is laundry and cleaning - really don't feel like it today.

First thing this morning the internet was down. I was panicked, which is not a good feeling as my lifeline to this forum was cut off.  Even though I lost intermittently I read your posts every single day and it all keeps me going.  I go from one extreme to another it seems.  Closed off or dependant- ahhh someday to be healthy and free - I look forward to that.

[Armee]

Gosh i just wish I could offer a real hug for all you've been through. 

You are absolutely correct to place that blame on your parents. 1000%.

And I agree about the procreating. I was also just saying to my T yesterday that we (me and my sis) should have been taken out of our home. She had no business raising children. Lol and at the height of it all she wanted to adopt a kid.

It is amazing to me how many similarities we all share. I am so glad you are back with your T a little bit. There is a path to relief from the worst of it.

 

[Moondance]

  and thank you for the virtual hug

Gee Armee now that you mention it my M took in kids from the children's aid.       And she also took in one of my dad's nieces for a few years - I found that same niece, cousin to me in my bedroom making out with that Alateen Co-sponsor. At 13 I thought I was in love with him - the betrayal was deep and that same pattern of unfaithful partners continued through my life. 

I can see as I write why I'm so exhausted, depressed anxious and diagnosed with CPTSD.  I'm most likely repeating myself but that will happen for a bit I think.  There hasn't been a year, time I can remember without trauma.

Also that speaks to, I think why I sporadically post as it all is so overwhelming. 

Thank goodness for my T, yes! every 4 weeks is better than none.

  

[Armee]

It is overwhelming and your story and all of ours has so many layers. I find when things are the worst it is too overwhelming to even know where to start with posting or what to say so that's when I am quietest. Its normal for your posting to wax and wane. We're here when you are.

 

 

[Moondance]

It is overwhelming and your story and all of ours has so many layers. I find when things are the worst it is too overwhelming to even know where to start with posting or what to say so that's when I am quietest. Its normal for your posting to wax and wane. We're here when you are.

 

 

  - always appreciate hugs and support